Welcome to Gaia! ::

Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

Back to Guilds

This is a writer's guild where all can gather for feedback and advice on all mediums of writing. Plus it's a great place for conversation. 

Tags: Writing, Writer, Writer's Block, Critiques, Friends 

Reply Works in Progress
Goodbye: Childhood Memories

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Read Bellow: Do You Like It?
  Yes
  So sorry, no
View Results

Marsh_Captain

PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:05 am


Goodbye: Childhood Memories



Chapter 1: After The Tears

Painted in the sky are clouds white like the wings of doves. The blue sky a dream with the sun up high bringing warmth to the summer’s day. The ground is now covered in grass with passing hills and sound of birds that are rare singing their unusual song. It is perfect in its own way.

A train designed beautifully and baring the symbol of its old owners. Their expert artist paints the outside by hand. The glass is screaming to be looked at. It is truly beautiful. Carved at the rim into and elegant shape.

Inside are benches. No compartments. They face it other and are comfortable. Crafted to look like places to linger and match the carved walls and the welcoming sign of freedom.

The compartment door opens and a ticket conductor walks with his heavy ticket machine hanging by his neck. He stops in front of a young boy sitting, looking through the window.

The ticket conductor has the normal old-fashioned uniform but it bears a silver train over the green, by the breast pocket. The hat the same and it looks very smart.

‘Hello! Have you a ticket?’

The boy gives the ticket conductor a silver ticket and the conductor takes it with a white glove.

‘You are a very young traveler. I guess you must be going back to Coal Town. After the tears they call it!’

The boy looks at the conductor: ‘has it really changed after the war?’ The boy looks worried.

‘It sure hasn’t! Why are you so worried? Is there someone you promised to? If so I don’t think they would leave without seeing you again. You remind me of a man who use to travel this train to get to Anc. Could you be-

‘Coal Gunnerman, the son of the silver wing leader’.

‘I was hoping to meet you. I always wanted to see your young face again. Always lively and hiding everywhere on the train trips to Anc. You must be sixteen now. Don’t worry, she’s still here…’
Coal shows a weak smile and then faces the window again ignoring the conductor.

‘Well…if you need a place to stay or anything when you’ve finished traveling, my home is-

I rather not trespass on other people’s property. Especially ones final resting place of someone dear to me’ Coal upset.

‘Sorry Coal’ the conductor puts the ticket in the machine and then waits ten seconds before taking it out and handing it back to Coal. After he leaves leaving the compartment with the close of the door.

Has she remembered him? If so why has she stopped sending him letters? Is it because of his last one? He is truly sorry for leaving her. He had no choice.

The train casually drives forward cutting the air. The noise soothing the signs of what will come are ominous. He thinks about what she will look like. Has it really change? The train is his companion on the road to the unknown. To Coal Town!




Please be kind. I do not like rude comments about my work. Thank you in advanced
PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 11:11 am


It's difficult to read because of the format (wall of text, etc). Paragraph breaks, pls.

milktreat

Fatcat


milktreat

Fatcat

PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:27 pm


The first two sentences are pretty redundant. D:

The paragraphs are wonky to me and, frankly, I dislike how the sentences "flow". I feel you can do better, much better, by the way you arrange your words.

Also, there are some few other grammatical errors here and there (such as ones when it should be one's, etc), and the pace is pretty fast. @_ @;

My advice? Don't write short sentences that often. Do it if the idea doesn't relate to the other sentences in the paragraph. Things like "A train designed beautifully and baring the symbol of its old owners. Their expert artist paints the outside by hand. The glass is screaming to be looked at. It is truly beautiful. Carved at the rim into an elegant shape." are pretty redundant, since you're talking about the same thing.

Re-read your work for mistakes and all that pretty jazz you hear all the time.

AND WOAH, SLOW DOWN THERE A BIT IT'S JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER. @ W@;

My praise? It seems interesting and I truly want to read more. Aha, I'd also like to know why he left. > W<;
Reply
Works in Progress

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum