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 Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 4:26 pm
The Black Abyss
The crimes my heart and mind commit.
Hurt me deeply.
Do i search for it?
Or does it search for me?
I try to run
Run far away.
But upon my heart
The pain doth lay
And now it seems that once again.
I fall and pretend it's all okay
While in my mind i scream and shout
While my soul is being ripped out.
While the tears stream down my face
While once again i loose my grace
While my wrists are stained by my mascara
While once again no one will ever know
Because it's a pain I feel weak to show
While once again i hold my feelings back
While i listen to my life's sountrack
Songs of angst and unrequinted love
Songs of depression and loneliness
Songs that fit the black abyss
*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do you like it? Be honest and brutal on what you think!
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Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 4:30 pm
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Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:16 am
You don't have to be in such pain. I know what it felt like. But it does not have to be permanent.
Regarding the poem itself, I thought it definately got the point across. Well done wink
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Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 5:54 pm
While in my mind i scream and shout
While my soul is being ripped out.
While the tears stream down my face
While once again i loose my grace
While my wrists are stained by my mascara
While once again no one will ever know
Because it's a pain I feel weak to show
Flow got thrown off a couple times throughout this passage.
While my soul is being ripped out. Doesn't seem to fit...being is the problem, I can tell you that much.
While my wrists are stained by my mascara This line is too long...How about "While my mascara stains my wrists"?
While once again no one will ever know This line is awkward, plain and simple. Why not take out while and say "Once again none will know" And then change the next line to "Because it's pain I'm weak to show"
...Just some suggestions, take them and leave them as you will. It was a good poem overall though, definitely had great emotion.
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