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Okay....I am prepared to give a full explanation of what the hell is wrong with me.

Where to start....Hmmmm
I(Age: 17, Senior) have a loving girlfriend(Age: 16, Sophmore) that I don't TRUELY love. I think I have been forcing myself to love her. Its like..."Hey, since I am going out with her I ABSOLUTELY HAVE to love her" Know what I mean? I am nice to her and everything. I always talk about our future and s**t to make her feel better. I am too much of a chickenshit to break up with her because I don't want to break her heart. I would ******** kill myself if I made her cry. She loves me so much. I think I am just waiting on a good excuse. Like when I go to college or something. Everyone tells me that she has been so happy since she has been with me. All of these great things are happening with her, but not with me.

Most of this s**t can be blamed on some things that happened awhile back. Last year, I met my now best friend Lisa(Age: 17, Senior). We have known of each other, but never really talked. We had Chemistry together, and that is when we finally started talking. BAM! Immediate connection. Within a few months, we were going to each other's houses to hang out. Guess what happens when everybody sees a guy and a girl start hanging out a lot? I ******** hated this. Everyone started talking about how much that Lisa and I needed to date. I had to put up with that stuff almost all of my Junior school year.

I also was experiencing mental unstablility. I had a major chemical imbalance in my system and I had to go to counseling and take medication for it. I was hearing voices and having very vivid, gorey nightmares aobut random things in my life. Sara was constantly worried, but was never really there for me. Lisa was almost always there for me, and didn't get mad if I was having a bad day.

Just that stuff started to die, my girlfriend asked me out. The whole time that I am dealing with the Lisa thing, Sara was constantly on and off with this guy named James. He would hit her and s**t, so I really didn't care about her that much. I thought that if she was stupid enough to take that s**t and still be with him, then maybe she deserved it. She finally broke off from him and started ignoring him completely. That gave time for me and her to become close again. We were once VERY good friends back when I was in 3rd grade. We rode the same bus. We couldn't really talk because I kept on moving to a bigger school. We have like 5 different schools. One for the kindergarden and 1st grade, one for the 2nd - 3rd grade, another for the 4th and 5th grade, another for the 6th - 8th grade, and then another for 9th - 12th grade. We are two years apart, so we really didn't see each other frequently until last year. Anyways, we grew close, but I didn't really want to date her. I took her to Junior prom, we went out with my friends a lot, and some other things. Finally, she asked me out. I didn't want to hurt her, so I said yes.We were going out for TWO ******** DAYS and she cheated on me with James. I was an idiot and took her back. When we talked about it, I tended to get quite angry, and then she would jump on my a** for getting mad at her. I ignored those stupid as hell comments from her. Seriously, she cheated on me, and she wants to get pissy about me getting mad at her? We didn't see each other a lot over the summer, but still stayed together. School started, and I found out that James was LONG GONE. He was sent 3 hours away to another school. That made me feel slightly better.

Sara was very committed after that. She started hanging around less guys and ignoring the ones that flirted with her a lot. It seemed like she really wanted to keep me.

Lisa and I were constantly seeing each other all summer. She would come over, I would go to her house. In August, I got Dance Dance Revolution for PS2, and she was, and still is, over almost EVERYDAY. It was cool and all because that made us grow even closer. Before too long, we started discussing very personal issues with each other. I loved it. I could talk to someone and not feel like she was going to blab her mouth to everyone. She felt the same way about me. She started talking to her crush, Mark, but that wasn't I wasn't worried that much...at first. Mark started ******** around with her SO BAD. He would play these little mind games with her, touch her a lot, and would say the most un-needed s**t I have ever heard. I can't discuss very much because I promised Lisa I wouldn't tell anyone.

Over the past two years, Lisa and I have grown incredibly close, and have even developed feelings for each other. I'm not sure if they are true feelings, or just feelings that have spurred because we spend so much time together. I can't exactly see Lisa and I dating, but it is a nice thought. I think its better that she and I discuss our feelings, rahter that keep them bottled up inside. Maybe, sometime in the future, but not right now. She has a boyfriend(long distance) anyways, and I don't want to ruin that at all. I can't take Lisa crying, or being sad, or depressed. Everytime she sounds or looks like that, it makes me feel so bad because I want to help her in everyway possible. Lisa is so important to me. No one can ever even begin to measure how much I care about her. I would happily lay down my life for her anytime, anyday. Although she would be destroyed if something ever happened to me, and vice-versa for me.

I also had to start dealing with the "you should date Lisa" s**t again. Lisa kept on telling me that I should ignore them more because they don't have the right to jump into my life and determine whom I should be with, but she understood why I was getting mad. I had, and still have, almost everyone bugging me about asking Lisa out. Even my parents are bugging me about it.

I am still fighting these feelings for Lisa. I want to be with her, but I don't want anything to change. Thats madness because I know things would change. Lisa feels almost the exact same way. There isn't a lot that Lisa and I have in common, but we still get along extremely well. We have more emotionally in common, than our interests or etc. With my girlfriend, its like I am dating a complete clone of myself. Its cool, but it sucks too. She is just as hardheaded and stubborn as I am.

Lisa and I sit hang out frequently. She even stayed the night at my house last night(Yes, I know I've posted that issue already). I told my girlfriend and she was a little scared at first, but I believe she got over it. I don't think of Lisa as a potential mate, but as a very dear friend that I can't live without. Lisa and I are planning to attend college together. She will be going to major in Vet Medicine, and I will be majoring in Computer Science. We both love our animals with all of our heart. She works a at vet clinic, and I am a computer technitian. We almost have everything planned out for us. I am always happy to see Lisa, and she is comfortable enough to spend the night with me. I think that Lisa and I are extremely comfortable around each other, and I never want that to change.

I am sorry, I don't know if this can be considered a rant or something, but I think I just needed to vent. I don't know. If you have any opinions or suggestions, please post. I don't care whether you are mean or what-not.

[UPDATE: 02/03/07 9:46 PM]
I went to my girlfriend's house today and talked about my feelings toward her. I discussed how I have to convince myself that she loves me everytime I see her, and about how the thought of her cheating on me still horribly plagues my mind. She cried a lot, and even left the room at one point. She came back and started talking about how she didn't deserve me, and how pathetic she is. I held her the whole time and kept saying that I loved her, but she kept saying that she needed to die. I feel so damn bad. Should I have talked to her about it?

[UPDATE: 02/04/07 7:35 PM]
I'm not leading Lisa onto anything, but apparently she thinks I am or something. She wanted me to go over today since she couldn't stay the night again, so I went over. I ended up watching beginning of the superbowl with her dad. She was on the loveseat when I came into her house. I sat down on the big couch with her dad and we talked for a bit about whom we want to win. Thank god we both want the Colts to win. There would have been a fight if we wanted different teams to win lol. About 5 mins into our converstation, Lisa gets up and sits really close beside me. I didn't care...at first. After awhile, I was telling her about some NFL big hits. She ran into her room and grabbed her laptop, and I showed her the videos of those big football hits. She kept on getting closer and closer. Her and her parents are going to a chruch revival right now, but Lisa expects me to come back over when they get home. I think she wants to be with me, but I'm not 100% sure...Hell...I'm not even 50% sure.