Welcome to Gaia! ::

This is a corny poem I wrote about the girl of my dreams, with which I held in my arms as she dreamed.

Sapphire Soul

What soft sweet skin she doth posess,
Till morn her body I wish to caress,
Her eyes show things I only dreamed to see,
Her heart and mine beat together with glee.

Into her eyes for hours could I gaze,
The things around are lost within a haze.
Her arms entwine softly amongst my own,
I believe she should sit upon a throne.

Hand in hand she leans upon my chest,
Her head lies softly gentle on my breast.
Her sleeping hands lie on my aching shin,
What sappire soul she doth contain within.

1st Stanza (I put my object of attention in bold.) The reader loses your subject at "Thine." You need to change it to "her" because you're not speaking directly to the lady. Also, the part in bold has a little problem with the rhythm: fix?

3rd Stanza: Rhythm is off here, and the word 'shin' doesn't work. you should change the rhyme scheme, sorry to disappoint. I know you want to use 'within,' but the rhyme you put with it really doesn't work.

Good job. ^^

Reminds me of Shakespeare

I do like it, it's a beautiful love poem. But you must remember that it does not always have to rhyme. Sometimes the meaning can get lost in translation if you try to force the rhyme on. It sounds just that, forced. So let loose and remember that while rhyme is good sometimes, it is not required.