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 Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 8:30 pm
This is just a song i threw together in about five minutes in class. Tell me what you think.
Purity lost
For Humanity.
Innocence swept away
to make room...
...for Insanity
I can't stay.
but i have to know,
do you want me to stay?
Alright, you've convinced me,
Five more minutes.
I guess i'll stay,
It wont make a difference.
But before we start
I'd like to say
I have a question
that i need answered..
For insanity
I cant stay.
But before i go,
I'd like to say
That tonight
has been one of
immeasurable fun,
and delight!
And so,
For insanity,
I will stay
Just another five minutes,
it could make all the difference.
Just one more try,
you're lonely tonight.
That's the only reason
I'm still here.
That extra time
was all I needed.
Just a kiss, a touch,
A little ******** I've got you at night,
no more innocence
to keep things right.
yeah, I love you too!
hehe, alright. Sorry if some of the words or themes offended anyone, but please tell me what you think. Kudos!
Alright, i edited it for flow there. It's the underlined portion there. Alright, is it better? Yes? or No?
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 1:13 pm
I like it, it seems like it needs some tweaking but it probably makes more sence when it's put to music.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 4:07 pm
once again, thank you. But ummm..what do you think would need to be tweaked. be honest now. I wanna know.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:43 pm
The way the line "But before I go, I'd Like to say" goes right to "Alright, you've convinced me..." doesn't seem to fit when you read it, at least not in my mind. Mabye it needs a chlittle change in wording here and there, but other than that it's really very good. And, as I said before, it probably makes a lot more sense when it's put to music.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:46 pm
good point. hmmmm, ill fiddle with it in the book. see what sounds right.
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Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2007 3:31 pm
It's good. The repetition of words/phrases helps not only in it flowing as a song, but also in the meaning of the poem. Good job.
Oh, and take Phoenix's idea. Go over it again, tweak, change, fix. Never a bad idea.
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Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 8:40 pm
alright, it has been updated.
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