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Falling Rain

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This is a poem that i wrote for a friend who had his heart broken not too long ago. What do you think of it?
  0- This shouldnt even be here! *tosses in a fire and it burns*
  1- It could be a lot better, but it has a good idea.
  2- Again could be a lot better, but it has some potential.
  3- Its ok, there are some things that you need to work on though.
  4- Pretty good, there is definitely a good peom here maybe if you tweak it a litle bit more.
  5- Awesome ^^, there is a lot of depth and it expresses what he is feeling very well.
  Poll Whore @-@
  No comment
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Sentritsu Kaze

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:39 am


This is a poem i wrote for a good friend of mine who had his heart broken. Please tell me what you think.

--

The sunlight falls,
and the sky darkens covered in inky black clouds,
Thunder rumbles,
but the rain refuses to fall.
Inside the storm has just begun,
and it fills up the emptiness,
the hollow, dead felling inside.
There are no tears to cry,
as he lies staring at the ceiling,
every night.
The world continues on,
revolving around him,
as he stands still,
not quite there.
The weight of it all falls all at once,
knocking him down to the ground,
heavy.
Happiness becomes bittersweet,
as he questions everything.
The air is split with lightning,
'Why did she leave?'
'Is he that much better than me?'
He wishes the rain would fall
and ease his pain,
as he is filled with regret,
'Why do I still love her?'
resounding in his head.
Acid falls,
and eats away at his heart.
She's left her mark,
and he tries to hate her,
but just can't.
As the rain begin to fall,
time stands still,
and it slowly bgins numbing the pain.
The time and memory will remain,
a wound deep inside,
slowly healing,
but never quite gone,
and his dream's wings
will slowly mend,
and he'll float away,
into a clear blue sky.
PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 10:24 am


It's lovely heart

Kittine
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Eleiza0250

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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:16 am


It is very blatant and the idea of tears as rain has been quite overdone. It needs more figurative language to express the idea more abstractly. At least the emotion is conveyed.
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The Art of Writing

 
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