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Prologue

The alarm clock clicked on with a low humming sound, a young boy lay under a think baby blue blanket beside with his head pressed up against it. The young boy reached out of the blanket revealing a white arm which slammed on the alarm clock which made it stop the low humming whether it was from randomly hitting the button to cease it's wake up call or if it was because he had damaged the speakers or parts for which made it so do. The boys name was Noah, he was only fourteen years old. The arm that had smashed the alarm clock now pulled the blanket off the boy. At first it revealed long shaggy brown hair that covered his eyes as he used his other arm to gently brush the hair out of the way of his eyes revealing a bluish, almost hazel type of color. He yawned as he revealed the rest of his body as he was wearing a sleveless white undershirt and beaten up blue jeans. Noah threw the blanket off his bed as he swung his legs to the side of the bed so he could wake up before preparing himself for school. He shook his head madly, making him a bit dizzy. Soon he easily regained himself as he stood up brushing himself off. He stretched out yawning as he slowly started heading towards the door. His room was very messy as clothes lay everywhere and at the television a selection of video games lay. Noah walked out of the room not paying attention to see on what he stepped on, soon he was heading down his hall towards the bathroom which was on the far left side of the hall. The boy slowly drifted to his destination as he flicked on the lights and stared into the mirror. He could see himself staring back at him with a rather bored expression,

"Mornin' sexy"

Noah said as he had a light chuckle. He undressed as he walked over to the shower and turned the hot water on, there were three small knobs. The one closest to him was the hot water, many times he had confused it for the cold and used the other one. The one next to it turned on the shower, you could take a bath which was automatically set to. The last one was the cold which he hardly ever touched at all except for if he mistakes it for the hot. He's not really good on memory. He twisted the knob turning on the steaming hot water as he awaited it to get to the tempature he preferred, which was scorching hot. After, he stopped turning and twisted the middle knob turning on the shower and quickly stepped in. He clenched his jaw as he mentally smacked himself in the head for not remembering that it took a few seconds for the hot to come to the shower water. Soon the ice cold water stopped and the scorching water replaced it. He was soon washing and done with his shower as he stepped out of the shower dripping water all over the floor. He looked around for a towel to use so he could dry off, he didn't enjoy being wet. He found his blue towel on the rack beside the door and drooped over his head and dried it off as much as he could in a matter of twenty seconds. After that, he walked out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped around his waist as he looked to see if he had his clothes ready from last night, he couldn't remember. After a few minutes he found them in his room next to his alarm clock. He put on a candy apple red t-shirt under an onyx black hoody. After, he put on white boxers with another pair of blue jeans. Noah yawned a bit more untill he moved back into the bathroom stepping over his old clothes that were still lying on the floor. He grabbed a brush that he always kept at the sink so he wouldn't have to find it every morning. He brushed his long brown hair over his eyes so he couldn't see very well. A little thinning and he would be just fine. He thinned his hair a bit and then he could see again. He grabbed his toothbrush and then squirted a generic brand of toothpaste on the toothbrush. Soon he was done brushing his teeth. He grabbed his things and then headed towards the door. Meanwhile, his brother was just waking up at 7:30 AM. As Noah grabbed the handle to walk out the door, his brother walked out and laughed,

"Noah, don't you know it's saturday?"

His brother's name was John, but everyone called him Seth. He was a little taller then Noah and bigger built. Seth waited to see what Noah's reaction was, he did that a lot. Noah quirked an eyebrow and studied his features to make sure he wasnt lying or anything of that sort. Apparently, from the looks at least his brother wasn't lying. Noah made a small sigh in relief, he had already started to get excited and if he had been lying he wouldn't have had any time to get his revenge. Noah sat his things down on a nearby table which was positioned to be in the middle of the room,

"Well, that's very ironic I suppose."

Noah muttered half to himself, and the other half to his brother. You see, he barely ever got to school and if he did then he would either be late or unprepared. Not a very good impression to have on his teachers, but by the time he had gotten to any of them they would have already heard of him and then he would have just been treated as like he had been there his whole life. Noah gave a thumbs up to the ceiling, he did that a lot when he was happy. A bit odd, but it was his way for praising whoever was up there ruling the universe that he was grateful for it. Seth just quirked any eyebrow,

" I never have understood why you do that..."

He also said this as he walked back to his room to sleep off another few hours. Noah would have done the same, but now that he was ready he would be up for the rest of the day.
"Well, in a way this is still a bit depressing"
Noah said aloud but then he realized he was talking to himself and he normally didn't like that. It made him feel even more irregular then normal. As, he was not regular at all. Sure, he was popular the times he did make it to school but even then among his greatest of friends he felt a small wall seperating them. Something that made him feel like he was not like the rest, whether that was a good thing or not is unknown...but Noah didn't like it. So, seeing as it was very early in the morning his friends around the neighborhood would not be waking up for some time now. Noah went back into his room to play a few video games untill it was about noon, he would go summon his friends then.

A few hours later he had been fed up with his video games, and fortunately it was 11:30 am. Noah shrugged, it was close enough for him. He made his way through the house and then walked out of the door, smiling at the warm sunshine that greeted him. Noah continued his way to the park, a basic place to hang out. He was sure his friends would be there if anywhere. It was only a few minutes untill he had gotten to the park where he was greeted with his friends which were Randy, who was very short who had short black hair. He always was chewing gum and never parted with his black skateboard, he was wearing a white undershirt and baggy blue jeans, and he had plain brown boots. He smiled and waved,

"Hey Noah, c'mon! We've found something!"

Randy seemed very excited as he approached noah, the rest of his friends were huddled over a corner next to a building. Noah quirked an eyebrow,

" What is it? I don't wanna be seen with any drugs or anything. Who knows who is watching this time of day that is, if it's anything of a dangerous value"

Noah said, there was value and then there is dangerous value. The kind that Noah didn't like at all, the dangerous value got people shot and robbed like on the movies. Randy just shook his head,

" Just come and see! "

That was all Randy said as he ran back to the group of friends. Noah sighed, he hadn't answered which meant that it probably was something of a dangerous value nature. Though, deep in his mind he highly doubted it. This wasn't the ghetto or anything but it would be very startling if they found anything of great value just lying around. Soon he met with the rest of his friends, Chris,Sara,John,Nick, and Brandon. Chris was a taller guy, he was very broad and muscular. When he got angry it made Noah a bit scared that he was going to smash things or something of that sort. He had a shaved head with a white cap on backwards, he had a white hoody on with black jeans. He seemed to be wearing some sort of white sneakers which you couldn't see hardly because of the jeans. Sara wasn't short, but she wasn't average. She was in the middle of the two making a sort of short. She was attractive with brown hair that went down to her shoulders and a pink tanktop with tight black jeans. She had on a cap which was black but with a small pink heart in the middle. Like most females though, when she was angry she could sure make a scene about it. John and Nick were twins, each dressed identically to confuse people but you could tell the two apart if you knew them well enough. Nick was smarter and walked with a better posture then John who wasn't stupid but a bit slow and walked like a rapper. Something that everyone teased him about constantly. They were both wearing a yellow t-shirt with blue jeans with yellow boxers sticking out which made Noah question for a second. Brandon however was a different story, he was a smallish sort of guy that had fear in his eyes. It made you think that he was always about to snap and have some sort of breakdown or was about to spill all the information on some important secret. He was wearing a blue hoody with black jeans. Brandon nodded his head at the center of the group,

"Look Noah, think we'll be in trouble?"

Brandon said as he was quivering a bit,

"Nah, this'll be fun"

Randy added as Noah turned to see what the deal was, his eyes widened as he saw what is was.....A dead body.

Dear sweet mother of Hideki Anno, that was drier than licking sand. Your paragraphs are rediculously huge and your ability to use adjectives is seriously lacking.

It reads more like a report on the actions of this Noah guy than a story. He did this, he did that, and then put generic toothpaste on his toothbrush. Honestly, did you enjoy reading that? Have you even read it? To put it bluntly its terrible. One thing happens in the entire chapter, Noah et al find a dead body. The rest was mindless filler, I felt as bored as you told me Noah was when he was playing video games, I'm sorry but this is just aweful.

What makes people think that the reader wants to be told everything? It's called an imagination, people actively use this while reading to develop a sense of story and character while reading subtle hints of their character. Noah doesn't like a lot of things, who cares, you don't have to tell us that directly, you tell the reader through subtle diversion, he groaned finding out it was Saturday, he tossed his controller to the floor and sprang from his room as it was near enough to noon that his friends may have awoken. And his brother, did he go to finishing school? I haven't heard a kid talk like that since I was that age. It just isn't believable these characters you've got. Not to mention you spent about 10 minutes of my life describing all his friends in a single go. If friend one does something, you describe how they reacted, include fidgetting with their jeans, pulling of their hair, that's when you describe them. My word, if ever there was a piece of writing that wasn't written about history from the perspective of an incompetant German author that was harder to get through it would be this.

I can't believe I made it all the way, only to find out that I read it for nothing. The story could begin and I still wouldn't know jack because all you told me was useless information. A prolouge sets up the story with key bits of vital information that will come into play later. The reader couldn't care less if he gives the big guy upstairs a thumbs up for making it Saturday, they don't care about the kind of toothpaste Noah or his dog uses, and I certainly, certainly can't stand being dragged through a piece of writing by my eyelashes like this piece just did. You might ask why I read it, because I wanted to see if it were worth while to read. Now that I see that it clearly is not something I wish to see more of, since clearly your cast lives in the middle of suburbia, no one has super powers (not that this matters I'm merely stating a point), and no one has led on that THEY killed the guy they found, I don't see a story at all.

I've seen bad writing before, believe me I have, and while most of your grammar and spelling is in order, there were a few slips, the writing style and form is attrocious. Every sentence is too long, they have too much information, they left me mentally exhausted, and absolutely none of it is relevant. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to rewrite the first 6 major paragraphs for you, and you'll be surprised at how effective it is to pack all that nonesense into what I am about to show you.

The dank, smelly room was quite, the digital clock waiting patiently. The red numbers flashed seven-thirty and from under the covers shot a clumbsy hand to silence the blaring noise of the alarm. Noah reached his arm back under the covers and kicked them off, realizing he'd fell asleep again in his clothes from the other day.

He marched himself to the washroom and undressed, he cranked on the water for the shower and without thinking hopped in. The chill water fell upon him and instantly he was fully awake. Noah cranked again on the hot water valve and sighed as the shower warmed, steam pouring from the curtain, it just the way he liked it.

When he returned to his room, towel wrapped around his waist, Noah began his search for clean clothes, or cleaner, he thought bemused. Noah grabbed a pair of jeans and the decided on the cleanest shirt he could find. When all was said and done, his school work packed he pulled open the door to face the sleep eyes of his brother Seth.

"What're you doing up so early? It's Saturday." Seth yawned and scratched his head.

"It is not." Noah replied and pushed past him.

"If it weren't why would I still be here? School starts at eight and its ten to now and it takes me twenty minutes to walk there. I'm the good kid remember? But hey, I'm sure there might be a few desperate teachers lurking around there." Seth waved his brother away and slammed the door to the bathroom.

Noah squinted down at his watch, it was just about eight, and a little black bar pointed to the day of week, which happened to be Saturday. Noah shook his head and went back into his room, he figured his friends wouldn't be up this early so he turned on his consol and fired up his favourite shooter game. The time slowly past and Noah couldn't resist checking his watch everytime he had completed an objective in the game. When the games stopped being fun he glanced hopefully down at his watch, eleven-twenty, finally, he sighed and clicked off the television.


Now ask yourself, how much easier was this to read? True I didn't describe Noah, or even his brother, that can come in later, but in a prologue, it isn't important. I still wouldn't call this a prologue, since it doesn't act like a prologue, it read more like the first quarter of the first chapter.

Anyhow, you've got a lot of improving to do with your writing, because its one thing to have people not like a well written piece of crap, but its something else entirely when they can't read what you've written to begin with.

Don't think I've got wood to rip apart every and any story that gets posted in this forum, I'm merely pointing out, with vindictive honesty, the mechanical and technical errors of your writing. I have no claim to badger you for content, that is your doing entirely.

Anyway, I'm off to get some sleep, and if you don't think you should continue writing this, then don't. I hate it when people ask for other's permission to do something. It's your story, you write it, if people don't like it, to heck with them.

the Demon

I resent that, I'm much better looking than that stuck up Brit. Not to mention my teeth are straighter than something very straight.

And that's my argument, lets see someone ELSE come up with a better critique than mine.

the Demon