Written by me:
You steal, You die.

Psychoatrist: A One Act Play

Characters:
JONATHAN: The Father
TAMMI: The Mother
JAY: The oldest son
JJ: The second son
JOLIN: The youngest child, a daughter
PETERSON: A pyscho who thinks he's a psychiatrist
KAI: The real psychiatrist.
LENNETH: Another psycho.
POLICE OFFICER: A police officer
POLICE OFFICER 3: Another police officer, we decided to skip 2.

[The family walks into the relativily white room adorned with a bookshelf that is crammed full of books and odd little trinkets

lined up against one wall, a large desk sits beside a window that has the curtains drawn but the light of day can still be seen

through the curtains. They are greeted by a PETERSON who is standing next to a circle of overstuffed chairs that are an

interesting maroon color.]

[TAMMI looks around, a small smile on her face as if to say she approves of choosing to see a psychiatrist]

TAMMI: Are you Dr. Kai?

[PETERSON looks at her slightly oddly, a bit of a confused look on his face before he replies cheerily to TAMMI'S question.]

PETERSON: That's right! Dr. Kai Weiss! M.D. PhD, DDS, Psychoatrist and S-I-C-K-O!

[The family looks at PETERSON slightly skeptically. JONATHAN decides to step up and finish the introductions]

JONATHAN: We're the Chou Family.

PETERSON: [Smiles warmly] Come in! Come in! Welcome to my torture chamber! ... Ah... Ah... Ah... I mean... OFFICE! [He

laughs uncertainly.]

JAY: [Whispering to JJ] This guy's weird!

JJ: [chuckles softly]

TAMMI: [eyes shift to JAY and JJ] Quiet dear.

PETERSON: Please, take a seat on the rack! I mean... COUCH! Ha ha ha! I just can't seem to talk properly today! [Laughs

uncertainly again and whacks himself forcefully in the head several times as if to get rid of a bad headache.]

JOLIN: Daddy.... I'm scared. [clings onto JONATHAN'S Sleeve]

JONATHAN: There, there, we'll be done soon okay? [gently calms JOLIN down by patting her softly on the head.]

JAY and JJ: [soft murmuring on how weird the psychiatrist is.]

PETERSON: [interrupting the soft chatter that had started to issue ater PETERSON had said 'rack'] Moving right along.... SO!

When di you first suspect that this town is crazy?

JONATHAN: But we've never said anything about this town being crazy. What are you on? [JONATHAN raises a suspicious

eyebrow.]

PETERSON: Why... I'm on copic marker fumes of course! [PETERSON take sout a Copic marker from his desk, pops off the top

and takes a big whiff from the tip of the marker.] AH.... The scent of copic markers... SO much better than crack. [he puts the

cap of the marker back on and puts the marker back onto his desk.] ANYWAYS, what exactly was it that made you so... ah...

suspicious?

JONATHAN: What are you? A psychiatrist, a psychic, or a psycho? [JONATHAN is getting a little worried on how the

psychatrist is acting.]

PETERSON: How about... I'm ALL OF THEM? [giggles like a little girl]

JJ: Dad... you sure we have the right guy?

JAY:[In a joking tone.] Nah... I think dad totally made a wrong turn at the last light... so we're obviously at an insane asylum.

JJ: [Eyes grow wide] Really? Mom... I think we've got a problem....

TAMMI: Hm? What is it?

JJ: Jay says that we're in an insane asylum.

TAMMI:[sternly] Watch your mouth young man!

JAY: Yes mom...

JONATHAN: Anyways... about our problems... Let's just say we've had some .... ah... strange experiences...

PETERSON: Strange? Strange? What do you mean by STRANGE?! [ looks like he's about to fly off his seat from excitement]

JJ: Well Mr. Peterson.... there was this woman who came to our house randomly screaming at the top of her lungs "GET OUT

WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TIME!! GET OUT OF THIS TOWN!!! ---- THEY'RE COMING TO GET YOU!!! OH GOD THEY'RE COMING

TO SUCK YOUR SOULS AND EAT YOU ALIVE!!!"

ALL: ...... [covering their ears in pain from all the yelling]

JONATHAN: JJ... Uhm...-----

[JONATHAN is cut off by a sudden shout and loud bangs that are coming out from the hall. LENNETH burst through the door,

her eyes bloodshot and her hair all over the place, she is running and panting, two police officers are running after her]

LENNETH: GET OUTTA HERE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TIIIIIMMMEEEEE!!! THEY'RE COMIIING! THEY'RE COMMIIINNGG!! [LENNETH screams suddenly] OH GOD, THEY'RE HERE! SAVE ME! SAAAVEEE MEEE!!!

POLICE OFFICER3: She's crazy! Get her!

POLICE OFFICER1: I'm on it!

LENNETH: I'M NOT CRAZY! I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH! [LENNETH starts to claw away at the two officers who have tried to drag her away.]

[POLICE OFFICER 1 drags LENNETH out of the room while POLICE OFFICER3 goes over to talk to PETERSON]

POLICE OFFICER3: I'm very sorry about this, I swear this will never happen again.

PETERSON: Oh, no worries. [smiles] She's one of my normal patients, please, do make sure that she comes in again at her appointed date.

POLICE OFFICER3: Uh.... Okay... [walks away embarrased]

ALL: ......

[crickets chirp]

TAMMI: Yeah... that was her. [points in the direction that LENNETH had left]

PETERSON: [stiffly] I know, I'm not blind you know.

TAMMI: Sorry...

PETERSON: SO! Do you guys prefer drugs or therapy?

ALL: ..... [confused looks]

JONATHAN: [uncertainly] Uhm... sir... we haven't really talked about our problems yet...

PETERSON: [suddenly changes his mood] Don't INTERRUPT ME while I'm TALKING!!! [PETERSON'S face is suddenly bright red with rage]

JONATHAN: All I'm saying is---- [JONATHAN is cut off by a screaming PETERSON.]

PETERSON: Then I'LL decide FOR YOU!!!

JAY: [looking at PETERSON with amusement] This guy's a lunatic. Yup, a Grade-A lunatic. [JAY nods sagely]

PETERSON: [balancing invisible objects in his hands] Drugs, therapy, drugs, therapy, drugs, therapy, drugs, therapy, drugs, therapy... Or... BOTH! YES! BOTH!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I'M A GENIUS!!!!! [PETERSON laughs maniacly]

JONATHAN: Good sir... we don't have any mental problems... we just want to know if living here is a good idea...

PETERSON: [at the edge of hysterics] SHUT UP!

[everyone is suddenly diverted by a sudden loud banging noise from the nearby closet. The door to the closet suddenly breaks and there is a tied up and seemingly angry person on a chair. His mouth is taped down and his eyes are wide with rage]

JJ: WOW! A hostage!

JOLIN: Mommy! I wanna get out of here!

TAMMI: Quiet!

[JAY walks over to the mysterious man and boldy rips off the tape that is covering his mouth.]

JAY: The more the merrier!

TAMMI: JAY CHOU! Get here this instant!

JAY: But I just saved him!

TAMMI: JAY....

JAY: Yes mother....

[JAY walks back to where his mother is.]

KAI: Thank you young man... I'll have to say... this is actually Pete Peterson... I'm the real Kai Weiss.

JONATHAN: So we've been talking to a fraud the whole time?

KAI: Precicesly. He's actually one of my patients, somehow he tied me into that closet there and yeah... things like that happens at a place like this....

JOLIN: [hiding behind TAMMI] Mommy... I really want to get out now...

TAMMI: Shhh... Shh... we'll be out soon...

KAI: Now... back to the matter at hand... you guys are wondering if this town is safe correct?

JONATHAN: Yes...

KAI: So... do you guys prefer drugs or therapy?

THE CHOU FAMILY: [THINKING: " Oh great... this one's the same as the other one..."]

JONATHAN: But Sir... we've barely met you... what do you mea----

KAI: No worries! I heard everything through the closet door! So... do you guys prefer drugs or therapy?

JONATHAN: Sir... like I've said---

KAI: SHUT UP!

TAMMI: [appauled] I beg your pardon, sir!

KAI: Now see here, you bunch of MENTAL CASES!!!! WHO'S THE PSYCHIATRIST?!!!

PETERSON: [joins in in the yelling] WHO'S GOT PSYCHOATRIST WRITTEN ON THEIR DOOR?!

KAI: It's PSYCHIATRIST written on their door you dimwit! And Who's asking the QUESTIONS?! AND...

PETERSON: AND... AND... AND....

KAI: AND... WHO'S prescribing SEVERE THERAPY and DANGEROUS, not to mention DEADLY....

PETERSON: DRUGS!

TAMMI: [hurrying everyone out of the door] Thank you so much Dr.Weiss... Now...we must take out leave... [shouts to the children who are already off stage along with JONATHAN] RUN GUYS! [Runs after with them and slams the door]

PETERSON AND KAI: US!!! US! US! US! US!!!!! [Both of them laugh insanely and the lights dim out to darkness]

[END}