I recently admitted to my current boyfriend(and myself) that since freshamn year I have judged all my relationaships with men off of a relationship I had in seventh grade. He was my dancing partner...rich and stable, no emotional or financial problems, cute, simple, gentlemanly, and someone willing to treat me like a queen. My boyfriend was confused about why I'd done this, and asked me to explain...I in turn tried to do so and found, to my great shock, I wasnt to sure of the answer.
I know why I look to him as a good example at least.
After I left him(note I left HIM) I went on to date the scum of the earth. Clark(fake names) was the first one afterwards. He was four years my senior(13 to seventeen...yikes right?) This guy seemed sweet enough, but had anger problems. I knew this, but never guessed he'd be willing to hit a girl...a very small one(im talking under 5"2!) But he did, three times, using the back of his hand before a friend helped me get out of there in a hurry. I dated a good guy after that for a few weeks, but we just didnt mesh well, so I moved on.
I got to Travis next. He was very gentlemanly, always doing me favors, acting like I couldnt do anything for myself, being a servent. Yet whenever I tried to act with any athority, he'd beat me down verbally with some of the worst language I've ever heard. He was the man int he relationship, and I was the woman, a lesser thing. He wanted to be sure I knew that. I got out of that one on my own pretty well.
Lastly, I came to Daniel. He seemed nice enough, though quite controling in some ways. Later on I found he was a little suicidal, but I felt I could be his reason for living. Let me tell you now: never be someone's reason for living. This man demeaned me verbally, made me feel worthless at times, then said he'd kill himself if I ever left him, crying and begging all the while. I felt like dirt, and felt so guilty that I couldnt leave him or say no to anything, no matter how I wanted to. In my mind, I was helpless. When at last I tried to leave him, with much help, he took me behind his house and sexually assaulted me, then told me to go...as if he had given me something to remember him by.
That was enough for me. After that, I was in many healthy relationshipa and am now engaged to my boyfriend of two and a half years. quite the change...but here we get to my confusion.
My boyfriend that I judged all others by was wonderful...but I left him. Thinking back, I realized it was because I was bored! BORED! I went on to abusive relationships, all in a row, coming out of a supportive and wonderful one. I wanted all other relationships to be like that one so I could return to inocense perhaps? I'm still not sure.
But more than that, I wonder deeply about why I left him. Why did I choose these men? I come from a rich background, and never bad ever really happened to me...so I begin to wonder. Did I somehow subconciously want something bad to happen? did I want a rift in my perfect life, exceitement, even in the way of violence? It's hard that it could be coincidence...so why did I go to each of these men in turn till I was sexually abused? Is my idea founded? I really feel like boredom drove me into danger...
DISCUSS:
-Relationship standards
-repeating abusive relationships
-being a sucker for punishment
-my theory
Thank you for your time.
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