Taken from the Capital News, November 3, 3006.

(Relationship column)

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"Warning: Loving Too Much Can Be Unhealthy"
By Annie Hopper


"I feel like an addict," my client painfully admits. "Although I know intellectually that this relationship is really unhealthy, I keep going back for more like a junkie for a fix."

"I don't understand it!" she continues. "What happened to my self worth? Any woman with an ounce of self worth would not put herself through the torture I put myself through."

She is indeed right.

Any grown, healthy, mature woman would not keep placing herself in this position.

However it is the wounded little girl within her who is driving the bus down Self Destruction Alley.

Like overcoming any addiction, it is important to look at the underlying motivation heind the addictive behavior.

For people in romantic relationships who "love too much", their deeper motivation is usually about seeking acceptance.

Their sense of self is tied up in their relationship and it only through the love and acceptance of another do they feel validated.

However (and this is where it gets really tricky), not just anyone's love and acceptance will do.

We subconcsiously seek out a romantic partner who has the ability to emotionally re-wound us in the same way that we were wounded in childhood.

As a result, we tend to pick people who we perceive have the same power and influence as our parents.

"My ex-husband was never able to support me emotionally, and the more he didn't give, the move I craved it and felt like I was almost begging for it," she hesitantly admits through her tears.

This feeling is familiar to her and reminds her of how she felt in her family during her childhood years.

Constantly yearning for love and approval from your partner is like being on a really nauseating amusement park ride that never ends.

Sure it's thrilling in the beginning while your sense of self worth is being fed through this relationship.

But as the newness fades and the "love drug" wears off, it becomes harder and harder to to get that initial "hit" and high that sustained your sense of self and self worth in the beginning.

You will have to do more and more to generate the same initial euphoric feelings.

However, if you do not have a foundation of self love then you may find yourself searching for this validation from your partner.

Unfortunately, we usually attract a partner who is incapable of giving us what we crave and need, and we perpetually find ourselves trying to drink from a well that is bone dr.

The repititious behavior seems glaringly self-sabotaging. Yet in relaity this represents a deeper need for healing.

Why would we have such a hard time leaving a relationship when we know it is not meeting our needs?

For starts, our sense of identity and worth are wrapped up neatly within this relationship.

Without it, we would not know who we are and may be forced to feel our own internal pain.

We are under the illusion that we can heal our unresolved childhood wounds by finding a present day partner who has the potential to re-wound us in the same familiar ways.

But this time, somehow -just somehow- they will simply love and accept you, magically healing your wounds of the past, and love you like a fairy tale ending.

I think that all relationships have the potential for healing.


However, to be in a healthy, healing relationship, both parties must have a willingness to recognize unresolved childhood wounds and consciously choose not to re-wound each other.

Otherwise you will attract and repeat the same unfulfilling relationship over and over again.

The key to attracting a healthy relationship is learning how to live a healthy, satisfying and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.

So, how do you stop yourself from going back for additional servings at the more-than-you-can-tolerate buffet of Pain and Disillusionment?

As you gain a better understanding of the underlying motivation in your addiction to unhealthy relationships, you can start to take back control of your life and work towards healthier ways of being.

Knowledge is power and awareness if the first step to permanent and lasting change.