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[Brolis]~Kung Fu Swordfish!?! Please Critique!?

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Skyeforge

Dapper Noob

PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:50 pm


Questor Information
Username: Brolis
Mule SN's: None Yet...
IoDM Newbie? (Y/N): Yes!
Serum: 54 Swordfish Serum
Banner(s): None Yet...


.:ToC:.
1. Table of Contents
2. Funds
3. Character
4. Animal
5. Official Critique


-----

Questor Information
Username: Brolis
Mule SN's: Annelissa
IoDM Newbie? (Y/N): Yes!
Serum: 54...
Banner(s): None Yet...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:51 pm


.:Funds:.

Pure:
20k
Items:
None...
Donations Toward Quest:
None yet...
Total:
20k

Skyeforge

Dapper Noob


Skyeforge

Dapper Noob

PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:53 pm


.:Character:.
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.
Pics: Feng
Name: Feng "Blade" Wei
Age: 21
Birthday: February 23
Birthplace: Hong Kong
Race: Chinese
Current Living Place: San Diego, California, USA
Eyes: Light Brown
Hair: Light Brown
Hair Style: Mostly like it is shown above. The Fall Style on Gaia.
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 140 lbs
Build: He's tiny, but strong. He can lift things up to about 160 lbs. He is a strong guy.
Appearence: Like the avatar above. He has a six pack underneath that shirt and he has on. He also has a scar from the middle of his chest up to his right shoulder from a fight he was in ((in history)).
Personality: Feng (Blade), has a pretty strong personality. He's nice to everyone. Even if he doesn't think they are the 'best' people. He can be mean, but that's only in a match against someone. But he isn't really even that mean. He is mostly just trying to act it so that he can intimidate his opponent. But he is a very nice person.

He is also very quiet. He can be loud when he talks without knowing it, but he is a quiet person. He is not shy, just has a quiet voice, but when he does his 'ki' ((yelling)) for Kung Fu, he is very loud and very scary. But, overall, he likes to be quiet and left alone. If he is messed with, he will turn evil on you!

He is a very determined person. He is persistant and never ever gives up. He will try and try and try again if he has to. He will not stop or give up no matter what the cost. He would die if he had to for what he wanted. He is that into determination. He will never give up on anything, especially on people. He will turn you good if he wants to. As you can see, he is very determined.

He is impatient. Very impatient. This goes hand in hand with his determination. He won't give up on anything as stated above, especially on some kind of project. If he starts something, or someone starts something, he won't stop until it's fully completed. He is not much of a people person because of his impatience. Unless he can find someone that is like him who can't wait until things are done.

Skills: He is fast, good with a katana, and in Kung Fu all together, and he is good with some people, well, if you don't get on his bad side that is.
Likes: Kung Fu, kind people, the water.
Dislikes: Mean people, insects, people who beat him in a match.
History: He was born in Hong Kong. His family didn't have enough money so, he was given to a new nice family who didn't have any children through the adoption agency. They moved to Jilin after he was brought to them and he was brought up there. They all stayed there and he was named Feng Wei after his adopted mom's grandfather. When he didn't have a name before.

When he was little, probably about three or four, he started Kung Fu or Chinese Martial Arts. His instructor was his adopted families best friend. He was quick to learn everything that his instructor taught. Especially the Katana. He stayed in that class for a long while.

When he was fourteen, his adopted parents got into an accident and died. His instructor took him in for about three months. When the instructors friend, Don Jackson, heard of this, he said that he wanted to adopt the boy as a son. Feng was very happy, yet saddened by it. He was not very happy that his instructor wouldn't keep him and that he had to go away. But on his fifteenth birthday he left for the United States. Luckily, his parents spoke some english and his old instructor did as well. So he had already learned some english for this trip. But overall, Feng was happy that someone would adopt him on such short notice.

He was sent by plane to the US and he finally arrived. When he did, his new family was waiting. They figured that they would call him something special, so before they left, Don called him Blade. He liked it and it stuck with him through his schooling in California. He went home and he was excited to go to bed and have a great rest of his life. He did just that. He continued his career in Kung Fu by his new instructor, Don his father.

Don had a daughter that was one year older than Feng. She studied with him even though he went through Kung Fu and she went through Tae Kwon Do. She was proud of her brothers abilities. She was a lot like Feng, very determined. So they competed a lot. Feng was better, but they still loved to spar. Their relationship turned into a real brother-sister one. Not bickering but almost like best friends. Until one day...

...Feng was outside in their backyard under a tree, trying to meditate. When Diana came out and she just started attacking Feng with her staff. Feng knew she was having trouble controlling herself but this went a bit to far. Feng and her had their 'epic' battle and it ended up with Diana uppercutting him with a sharp piece on her staff fron the middle of Fengs chest to his right shoulder. It hurt him badly by affecting his ability to do anything. He wasn't able to breath correctly after the incident because the cut damaged a lung. It also left a scar. He was mad at her and they didn't talk anymore. They both got in very big trouble from their father though...

After that was over, Feng turned 20 and moved to San Diego to further his career in Kung Fu even more. He also tried to get some medicine in his learning. He wanted to be a doctor if his becomming an instructor didn't work out for him. He stayed there and has been there ever since studying hard.
Getting to the Island: He got home from school and got his mail. He opened up a letter from an unknown address and he read it. It told him that he was chosen as 'America's Best Kung Fu Artist' and he was going to get a contract to work with his own karate studio on an island that the kids went to on summer vacation. It also said that in past vacations, the island would get a lot of kids asking to do karate. But they could never arrange it. So then it said that since he was the 'ABKFA' for short, they wanted him to come and help the kids out. Since that was his dream, to become a karate master in his own studio, he immediately accepted the invitation and left as soon as he could. He quit college and packed all his things, paid his last bill for his appartment and said that he was leaving. A few days later, he was completely ready and he waited for the private helicopter to get there at the airport.
Feng's Intentions On Going: Feng thought he was going to get a job in his very own karate studio. He was going to manage it and do a lot for the kids that came to the island on vacation. He was wrong. Instead, once he got there and noticed there was no studio, so he got very upset at Moreau and after some turmoil, he became another experiment.


-----

.:Character:.
User Image
Pics: 20 Years Ago
Name: Annelissa Capilano
Age: 43
Birthday: April 24
Birthplace: San Francisco, California, USA.
Race: French
Current Living Place: A little town in Montana.
Eyes: Crystal Blue
Hair: Was light brown. Now is grayer.
Hair Style: Was straight, now is curlier.
Height: 5'4"
Weight: 110 lbs
Build: She's tiny and fragile. She has a very little body.
Appearence: She wears older clothing now. Much like the avatar above. And suprisingly, she wears no glasses.
Personality: She is so very nice. After her incedent with the baby, she has been as nice as possible. She can be a bit quick tempered. But most of the time she is kind, loving toward her husband and friends. Though her friendships are not very interactive. She just works with her miniature band and does some singing. She is also very mature. She has grown close to her husband especially through all this tossing and turning of the tables.

Skills: Can play the piano very well.
Likes: Music, her husband, James, piano, and her long lost daughter.
Dislikes: Mean people, insects, immature people.
History: Annelissa was born to a loving, caring family whos name was Devero. She was brought up in San Francisco where she was born. She grew and had a passion for music. She would play with musical toys when she was a baby. Growing up she loved to visit her grandmother who played the piano.

She then began to play the piano when she was only of the age of five. She grew and when she was seven, her parents were planning to have another child. Her baby brother was born six months later. Rather early actually. That meant that the baby had some problems. One night, little Ricky Devero was rushed to the hospital. Her grandmother came over and was completely calm and they had a lot of fun together while her parents were away. But, on the way to the hospital, that cold, rainy night, her parents got into a bloody car accident and her parents were killed instantly. They poor baby boy was almost dead but the perimedics saved him in time. At that moment, they couldn't tell who was who. The car crash bloodied each body up badly. Later that night, the child was recovering. Then given up for adoption once he was old enough.

Once the news hit the family, they were devestated. They couldn't believe it. Their grandmother mourned with Anne for years. But, Anne learned to play the piano and would go play it whenever she felt upset or sad. So, her grandparents were proud.

She grew up, going to church, school, and playing the piano. That was her life. Until one day when her life took an unsuspecting change toward darkness. She went to college. She majored in music and she wanted to become a music teacher. But, James came along. He was handsome, and all put together. Skipping some minor details, they fell in love and concieved a child. Anne was very upset that she couldn't keep the baby. They didn't have enough money to support her child. She gave her daughter up for adoption. That was the hardest thing, but James and Anne pulled through together, strengthening the bond they had.

A few years of dating went by. They graduated college, then James proposed. She accepted right away and they moved to a small town in Montana where she got together with some people and created a band while James took his career to going into teaching Music. A few years of doing that and they had it all together. They didn't have many friends though and their families died away. Anne was left with her husband and they were happy.

Later, James lost his job, and Anne was alone working. Then, James recieved an E-Mail stating that there was a free romantic get away for two. He quickly asked Anne and, being it close to their 20th annaversary, they decided to take it. What they didn't know was that they were going to get the twist of their lives. Their love would be thrown from side to side, but they would try to work anything and everything out. They were in for the time of their lives...

Getting to the Island: When they were just reaching their 20th aniversery, James got an e-mail. Courtesey of Feral Labs, asking for them to come away on a romantic get away.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:55 pm


.:Animal:.
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Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Actinopterygii
Order: Perciformes
Family: Xiphiidae
Genus: Xiphias
Species: X. gladius

Swordfish (Xiphias gladius) are large, highly migratory, predatory fish characterized by a long, flat bill in contrast to the smooth, round bill of the marlins. They are a popular sport fish, though elusive. Swordfish are elongated, round-bodied, and lose all teeth and scales by adulthood. They reach a maximum size of 14 ft (4.3 m) and 1,190 lb (540 kg). The International Game Fish Association's all-tackle angling record for a swordfish was a 1,182 lb (536 kg) specimen taken off Chile in 1953.

They are the sole member of their family Xiphiidae.

The swordfish is known as The Gladiator (gladius) because of the sharp, sword-like bill it wields as a weapon—to spear prey as well as for protection from its few natural predators. The shortfin mako shark is one of the rare sea creatures big enough and fast enough to chase down and kill an adult swordfish, but they don't always win. Sometimes in the struggle with a shark a swordfish can kill it by ramming it in the gills or belly.

Swordfish are distributed throughout the world's marine ecosystem, in tropical, subtropical and temperate waters, between approximately 45° north and 45° south[2]. They tend to concentrate where major ocean currents meet, and along temperature fronts. They inhabit the mixed surface waters where temperatures are greater than 15 °C but also can move and hunt in water as cool as 5 °C for short periods aided by specially adapted heat exchange organs which are able to increase the temperature of their brain and eyes by 10–15 °C.

Areas of greater apparent abundance occur north of Hawaii along the North Pacific transition zone, along the west coasts of the U.S. and Mexico and in the western Pacific, east of Japan. Migration patterns have not been described although tag release and recapture data indicate an eastward movement from the central Pacific, north of Hawaii, toward the U.S. West Coast. Acoustic tracking indicates some diel movement from deeper depths during the daytime and moving into the mixed surface water at night. At times they appear to follow the deep scattering layer, and small prey, as they undertake these vertical movements.

Females grow larger than males, as males over 300 lb (135 kg) are rare. Females mature at 4-5 years of age in northwest Pacific while males mature first at about 3 to 4 years. In the North Pacific, batch spawning occurs in water warmer than 24 °C from March to July and year round in the equatorial Pacific. Adult swordfish forage includes pelagic fish including small tuna, dorado, barracuda, flying fish, mackerel, as well as benthic species of hake and rockfish. Squid are important when available. Swordfish likely have few predators as adults although juveniles are vulnerable to predation by large pelagic fish.

While swordfish are cold-blooded animals, they have special organs next to their eyes to heat their eyes and also their brain. Temperatures of 10 to 15 C° above the surrounding water temperature have been measured. The heating of the eyes greatly improves the vision, and subsequently improves their ability to catch prey. Out of the 25 000+ species of bony fish, only about 22 are known to have the ability to heat selected body parts above the temperature of the surrounding water. These include the swordfish, marlin, tuna and some sharks.

Swordfish have been observed spawning in the Atlantic Ocean, in water less than 250 ft. (75 m) deep. Estimates vary considerably, but females may carry from 1 million to 29 million eggs in their gonads. Solitary males and females appear to pair up during the spawning season. Spawning occurs year-round in the Caribbean Sea, Gulf of Mexico, the Florida coast and other warm equatorial waters, while it occurs in the spring and summer in cooler regions. The most recognized spawning site is in the Mediterranean, off the coast of Italy. The height of this well-known spawning season is in July and August, when males are often observed chasing females. The pelagic eggs are buoyant, measuring 1.6-1.8mm in diameter. Embryonic development occurs during the 2 ½ days following fertilization. As the only member of its family, the swordfish has unique-looking larvae. The pelagic larvae are 4 mm long at hatching and live near the surface. At this stage, body is only lightly pigmented. The snout is relatively short and the body has many distinct, prickly scales. With growth, the body narrows. By the time the larvae reach half an inch long (12 mm), the bill is notably elongate, but both the upper and lower portions are equal in length. The dorsal fin runs the length of the body. As growth continues, the upper portion of the bill grows proportionately faster than the lower bill, eventually producing the characteristic prolonged upper bill. Specimens up to approximately 9 inches (23 cm) in length have a dorsal fin that extends the entire length of the body. With further growth, the fin develops a single large lobe, followed by a short portion that still reaches to the caudal peduncle. By approximately 20 inches (52 cm), the second dorsal fin has developed, and at approximately 60 inches (150 cm), only the large lobe remains of the first dorsal fin.
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.
Due to commercial fishing, the average swordfish has dropped from 260 pounds in 1960 to 90 pounds in 1996[4]. The numbers of North Atlantic swordfish have dropped to less than 50% of what they were just 20 years ago and U.S. commercial fisherman account for about a third of the worldwide catch. This alarming decline is largely due to the popularity of this species by seafood lovers. A major part of the problem is related to over-fishing, general absence of regulations regarding fish harvest during critical periods, no minimum fish size, and lack of protection for spawning and nursery areas.[5] This fish has been included on many endangered fish lists including the Audubon Society and others.

References:
Google: Here
Info: Wikipedia
Pic 1: Picture
Pic 2: Picture

Skyeforge

Dapper Noob


Skyeforge

Dapper Noob

PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:56 pm


.:Critique Request ONCE They Open:.

Official Critique Request
Gaia Username: Brolis
Character Name: Feng 'Blade' Wei
Serum Animal(s): Swordfish
Quest Thread: Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:47 am


This thread is officially open for critiques! biggrin

Skyeforge

Dapper Noob


Skyeforge

Dapper Noob

PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 6:28 pm


heart
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 11:34 am


Look out Brolis! you wanted a critique, so here comes one!

one thing that I don't like right off is the 'born and abandoned' bit. Its one thing that your character would be adopted, but the adandoning thing is too cliche for my tastes, I would eliminate that and just add in that he was adopted at a very young age.


one thing I did like was that you didn't try and make Feng into some sort of kung-fu master, which definately is good, maybe you ought to play on Feng's injury caused by Diana, maybe that hurt his career and training somehow. you mention it 'hurt him badly' you ought to expand on that

however i believe Feng would be mad at Diana for injuring him as she did, you just don't stop talking to someone if your not mad at them.

other than those few things, looks pretty good, and nice serum choice!

Baron Randall Thrydwulf


Skyeforge

Dapper Noob

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2007 6:24 am


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Thank you so much! heart I took everything you said into consideration. Thanks again!
PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 9:16 am


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Skyeforge

Dapper Noob


Skyeforge

Dapper Noob

PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2007 8:46 pm


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 25, 2007 11:22 am


heart

Skyeforge

Dapper Noob


Skyeforge

Dapper Noob

PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 5:33 am


heart
Reply
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