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 Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:56 pm
I found a girlfriend who likes me for me a few months back. during the summer. Shes 22. she'll be 23 in a few days. i'm 18. we fit pretty well together. our sense of humor and personalities click and i love 'er to death. heres the thing.
today around....3 to 4, she started pressuring me to have sex....i hed out for about an hour...then she just kinda got to me about it and i agreed..and we had sex. and this is my frist time she understood that and took it easy on me.....though i have to say i'm not sure what the big fuss is all about...i didn't feel really anything........execpt when i came, obviously.
anyway, after we did it we're both laying there smoking ( i coudln't help remark how cleiich it was we were smoking like in those fillms on tv where the secene shows them getting ready to make love then cuts to after they make love and they're smoking ..lol) and all of a sudden i felt really, bad.......i don't knwo what it was.
i had jsut made love to a beautiful woman. someone who loves me. and...i just feel...bad.
so after i leave to go home i call up my friend linq who had dated her before me but only for two weeks. where as i have been dating her for 5 months. i aske dhim what was wrong with me(him because he's got soo much ******** experience in sex) and he told me it was because i wasn't ready and didn't do it with the right person.
is he right? because i still feel bad. confused sad
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 12:38 am
He might be right. I noticed that you said, "she started pressuring me to have sex," instead of saying something like, "we decided to have sex." You make it sound like you didn't want to do it at all. From what you wrote it sounds like the other scene one often sees on tv, the guy saying, "Come on, you will if you love me...." It just doesn't paint a good picture. So from the way that you worded it, it does sound like you weren't ready. You made it sound more like something she wanted to do and decided for the both of you rather than something you both decided to do. Yet, you also say that she was understanding and took it easy on you. So I get the feeling that it certainly wasn't like she raped you and roughed you up. So basically, your choice of words seems to indicate to me that you don't think you were ready.
I actually had a lover who described his first experience almost exactly as you described yours.
Now for my personal opinion and advice: Ok, you weren't ready. Oh well. You can't take it back. What's done is done, so let's not worry too much about that. You have two options for the near future the way that I see it. Option number one would be to maybe admit that you weren't quite ready, but that's ok. You're in a loving, committed relationship. Many people have some funny feelings after their first time. Maybe she can continue to be gentle and understanding and eventually you will feel better about your sexual relationship. Option number two would be to tell her that you don't think you were ready and that you don't want to do anything sexual again until you decide for sure that you are ready, preferably at a time when you two are not so in the mood that hormones make the decision for you.
In summation (since it is 3:30 am, and I have the feeling I am not being very clear at all):
Option one for the near future: Continue the sexual relationship to see if your feelings improve in time as you grow more comfortable with your sexual self.
Option two: Tell her you weren't ready for the sex, and you want to hold off or take things very slowly until you do feel ready.
Now, you might decide to do one of those two things, a combination of the two, or something different altogether. Only you can decide what is right for you. Only you can decide if you feel that you weren't ready if it was just a little first time jitters. I do not mean to imply in any way that one option or the other is better just because I listed one first or called one of them "option one." That was random.
What would I do if I were in that situation? It depends. If you really think you even might have been not ready, I would lean towards option two. If you honestly think it just might have been first time jitters or something, you are free to try option one. There's nothing wrong with holding off from sex, even for a week or two, while you think and sort your thoughts and feelings. If you decide after a week or two that it was just jitters and you are ready, then no big deal, you can start the sexual part of your relationship back up. So I am thinking that if you are as hesitant as you sound to me, you might want to hold off on the sex, even for a short time. Only you know for sure what is going through your head.
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:08 am
well you see the things is i';ve never done anythign before like i said, and this , was my first time. therefor ei didn't really knwo too much about what i was doing. and it......didn't give me jitters so much as scared me.......i know i probably sound some sort of fool sayign that, but its true. i was scared....to a certain extent of course....because normally men find this enjoyable not to mention its instinct. but i was scared. crying so i'm going to have to go with your second option, and tell as much then ask her to not do it again untill i really feel ready. and what you said about it being from a tv show wher ethe guy pressures the girl....thats been my biggest fear for a logn time, cause im...more or less a whimp when it comes to girls i'm not really....atrractive to them for a some reasons. i don't knwo what good it does but heres my myspace page if you wanna take a look at me. mypsaceand one more question......is it possible to be afraid of sex for a so logn that you become incapable to perform? redface
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 1:03 pm
I don't think you sound like a fool at all. You could tell her that you don't think you are ready, and you two could take it slow. You could very slowly work your way up to sex. There are other sexual things that you two could do if you are comfortable doing those. You could do everything else that you are comfortable doing until you get more and more comfortable with her, your body, your sexuality, whatever.
As far as a man being incapable of performing, I would say yes and no. Emotions really can play a big role. If either person is feeling too much confusion, or fear, or any other bad emotion, it certainly can distract them enough that they can't have an orgasm. Sometimes that goes on for a while. But I don't think that's usually a life long problem. If you find that you are too scared to really perform, I would say that you should keep doing what we talked about. Tell her you need to take it really slow, get your confidence up, and get comfortable with the situation. Once you get comfortable with it all, you would probably start performing just fine.
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:24 pm
ok yeah, that sounds good. i'll do that.
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 1:30 am
I'd agree with LL. It sounds very much like you weren't ready. Talk to her about how you feel about it now - if she loves you, she'll wait until you're ready before doing it again. My boyfriend asked me fifteen billion times if I was sure I was ready, and it tipped me from 99% to 200%. I don't know if there's a 'right person' to have sex with, but you love her and you've been together for a while, so I don't think it's the person, I think it's just that you don't feel ready. And that's absolutely fine.
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