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 Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 4:07 pm
Okay so here's chapter 1...
Leaves rustled. Trees swayed. We ambled at a steady pace. Left, right, left, right, left, right. This is pretty much regular for us. Almost at the top, now, almost there. The faint click, click, click of the pebbles at our feet was the only sound. No birds, no cars, no nothing. Of course, we live in the bush, so there’s hardly any roadway, and there wouldn’t be anyone out at this late hour anyway. It’s probably 7pm. I can’t tell. No clocks near by to check the time; we had left all our watches at home. There’s only the sunset of summer to estimate, but that’s beyond the point.
We’re all walking to the top of this cliff in our backyard. It’s on enough of an angle to walk on and present a challenge. We do this every day to help our endurance and to exercise, plus it has great scenery and the basic flora and fauna (except some of the plants make me sneeze). The birds are gone away to their nests, though lots of nocturnal animals and wallabies are coming out and relishing in the cool breeze. Not again, now where was I?
My companions were debating and whining near the bottom, but as I said before it’s silent. They had stopped arguing long ago, as they realised that it was pointless and they needed to conserve their breath. I couldn’t grasp it as I was studying the ferns and vines to finish my total analysis of this area and how I could finally finish my medallion. I was now in the middle of our compact group: I had hoped to stop the predicament between the two going on again by stepping here. It had worked so far. That’s because I’m their leader. They have to respect that. They have to respect me. I was chosen to be the leader, full stop. No more comments. That’s was it, the end, good bye, finito. No – one has ever argued about it. At least not yet. Oh look, I’ve gone off track again.
There it was; the top of the cliff. Not too far away now. About a few more minutes. This will be the first time we’ve ever managed to reach the top. Almost there… yes! We had done it. The howling wind that was regular around this estimated time of 7pm and the height of the peak as well had started a couple of minutes ago. Oh, I wish I brought that black jumper. Mum said I would need it. Now it’s freezing cold. Darn. The rough ground was comfortable enough to sit down on for a brief moments. We had climbed quite high; our home and base off in the distance and endless seas of greens and browns ahead. Now we prepared for the long climb back down. I pulled out torches for everyone. At least I remebered them.
“Finally. Ok, time to go back down!”
“Oh, do we have to?” Nat and Dom chimed.
“NOW.” I knew this would be trouble.
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Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 4:57 pm
Doesn't anyone have anything to say about it? crying Why won't you people read it?
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 10:58 pm
Honestly, your post is really short… Not bad, but short. You don't really get into the plot or any action. My advice, post more of the story if you have any, and people might actually say more about it.
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 1:40 am
OK, the second chapter is not quite finished... oh well, here's my chapter two... introduction... (I may add a prolouge now... sweatdrop im still wondering)
Hi, I’m Scott, leader of the Solar System Team (SST). We’re an organization, kind of, and are dedicated to stopping crime in its tracks. I’m not the only member. There’s my brother and my friend too, however, if you want to help, call in. I suppose I should tell you a little about myself. I’m 14, still in school, but most likely smarter than most 40 year olds in the world. I love Technology. It’s the best. I’ve made so many things, including my medallions, scanner, caller, super watch, the list goes on and on and, you get the point. My brother, Dom, is kind of a worry – wort. He’s 10. He just doesn’t want to admit I’m better than him. I guess he thinks he’s second best to me, but he’s not. He has to learn that. He’s a Maths freak. I don’t like that term, but he is. There’s no doubting it. Of course, I like Maths too, but Technology is more my forte. Then there’s Natalie. She’s 19, but she wishes she was older. She just loves Science. Oh yeah, our Systemites, which is where we draw our powers from (except I can amplify my powers in other ways) are Saturn, which I draw on, Dom with the Moon, and Nat getting Jupiter. How did we get the powers? Well that’s another story. But for now I’ll tell you when I met the infamous Black Hole Highway. This devious group comprises of Thomas, Natalie’s older brother who doesn’t really get along with her, Richard, their technical supervisor, The Ronstar, who loves nothing more than playing pranks and working for their leader. Oh and talking. He just goes on and on, like my list of inventions! Of course, their leader. That’s Fraser. He used to be my friend. Actually, I don’t quite know how he got caught up with these evil guys… oh well. Back to the story!
And if you *want* the third... well just wait until two days
edit: **
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 5:16 pm
Hooray! I'm ahead of myself... chapter 3
We started our way down. This time Nat and Dom argued again. I couldn’t stop them this time; they were way out of my knowledge banks. I wasn’t trying to listen anyway, though it seemed Nat was proving her point. My head was elsewhere. Lately, I had been having thoughts about resigning. Other things have come up, things I want to do, things I’ve never been able to do before. I want to be my own hero. I don’t normally like working in a team. I prefer to be alone. That’s why I invent things. I can have some time to myself. I also have secret that could put the others in jeopardy. Not again, I’ve gone off the point.
Suddenly, I heard a very faint, ubiquitous sound, like a malicious laugh in an echoing cave. I turned, signalled to stop and circled the area, searching, but found nothing at all. We returned to walking, but I was still suspicious. Grasping the small object in my pocket for safety, I continued silently, confused. I was so sure I had heard something.
“Did you hear that?” I asked Natalie.
“Hear what?” Nat said. “Are you sure you feel alright, Scott?” Nat said.
“I’m fine, really. There was a whisper, just then, I’m sure of it.” I replied. This was weird.
“Whatever. It was probably your imagination.” Natalie said shakily. But it was enough. The whole way back everyone said not a word and their breathing was short, as we strained to listen for the whispers.
After a long time, the strange, ubiquitous sounds returned, louder than before, even close to being made out. It was talking or some type of animal. Natalie stopped, and Dom crashed into her.
“Oh, that noise, the whispers?” she asked. Dom behind her started mumbling to himself and after picking himself up of the ground, dusted himself off.
“Yeah. Weird. Why would anyone want to live here? Apart from us, no-one lives this close to the Klick-Klick forest.”
“I didn’t hear them before. It sounds like it could be anywhere.” She laughed, but it was half-heartedly. “Or it could just be the trees talking amongst themselves!” She was still unsure. So was I.
We reached the long driveway of the house in which Dominic and I lived. “They sound like they’re close to here, I can’t really tell… No! I’m serious… can’t you hear! Their voices… there’s definitely more than one… I’ll use my scanner just to double check.” I replied. The other two went around me to go inside. Natalie would bid us goodbye there.
“Scott, I’m scared.” Dom spluttered as I span around to face where we came from and searched behind us. “They could be plotting something evil! You just can’t tell around here.” He didn’t know how right he was.
“Oh, grow up. You’re 10! Double digits! I highly doubt that, anyway. We’re in the middle of a forest anyway. How on earth would you come up with that?” A small beeping noise emanated from the machine followed by a click. “Reading’s fine. See, no - one’s around except for us... now.” I replied, shivering. Then I tripped over the hose as I was walking backward and ran straight into Mum. “Hmmm. Come on, get inside; you’ve been out so late. It’s almost dinner. You too Nat, your mum called. She said you could stay the night with us.” I was so embarrassed.
“Humph, shows how you feel.” Dom whispered to me.
“Get in,” I pushed him in, lightly at least. Then he called Mum.
“Scott pushed me! Mum! MUM!” He can be so annoying sometimes…
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:01 pm
Now what do you think of it? Feel free to post me on grammatical errors and spelling and things that could make it better as a whole.
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Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:33 pm
Here's chapter 4 In a nearby underground sanctum disguised as a cave, Fraser was speaking with his henchmen, mainly Tom and Richard. “I want Scott to be my slave at once. He has power that I must have. Somehow get him to here, by any means necessary. Yes, any means. When he arrives, I shall put my master plan into action. I’ll be unstoppable! Ha ha ha ha ha! *cough cough* I over did it again.” “But what of the others?” The Ronstar asked. “I don’t care what happens to them, but Scott is mine!!!!! NOW GET GOING!!!” Fraser almost exploded. “Right away boss…” Ronstar looked anxiously around. “Oh and will you be requiring the TV tonight?” “If possible.” Fraser stormed away. * * * I looked at my watch, which I got off my bed. “7:28. Nice work team, 5 minutes better than last time. Even though we went to the top of the woods.” I pulled my rainbow belt and toolbox out of my second left-hand drawer of my desk. Sparks flew as I gave maintenance to the last medallion. “We better get ready for tomorrow’s work,” I thought. “Aw, more work?” Dom replied. “Can’t we take a day off?” Nat replied too. “Fine, but we’ll still go on our hike.” We ran into the media rumpus room, with the big screen. After some nightly watching, I finished up the last bits of work on the GrouKlick and got ready to go to sleep. That night I had the weirdest dream. My team and I had reached an underground cave and had fought with two strong people. Then we reached the centre of the cave and there was a bright flash of light. I woke suddenly, banging my head on the roof. I climbed down from the bunk bed, rubbing it quickly and, muttering angrily, went into the kitchen for a snack before going to bed again. It was 2 am. 24th August Tuesday 11:30 am 2011 I awoke with a rattling next to me. I yawned slowly and checked the time. “11:30!” I exclaimed. Nat and Dom came rushing into the room. “Why didn’t you wake me? We need to go now.” As I pushed them out while they fidgeted persistently I remembered that tomorrow is my birthday! I had a late breakfast and then we went for the hike when suddenly
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Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 11:47 pm
There, right in front of us was a pitfall that looked deep. Possibly as deep as the Marina Trench…without the water of course.
“This is intriguing. It wasn’t here yesterday. It’s too dark to see anything. I know!” I said as I pulled out a key. “I was hoping to test this out.”
“How on earth will that help? There’s no lock, no door, no nothing!” Nat rolled her eyes. “Be reasonable, Scott. We need to formulate a plan using the atomic structure of…” I put my hand over her mouth.
“Shut up and watch what it does, I’ve been doing maintenance,” I remarked, moving my hand away.
“What on earth do you mean?”
“You don’t get the point, do you?” I asked. “This is how I call my medallions! A little thing I’ve been working on,”
“You never told us about any medallions!” Nat exclaimed
“I know, I know, I only just finished them. Don’t tell anyone, please. Okay!” I exclaimed. On the belt they saw me working with yesterday, I used the key to “lock” it. Quick as lightning, six colourful medallions came shooting towards me. I caught all of them and attached them to the rainbow belt in their colour section. Each one had a different engraving on it. I used a medallion with a flame on it.
“Infernzo Transformation!” I yelled as the medallion was absorbed into my skin. I transformed into a red man with red armour on him and a red helmet that spiked up at the back. The medallion appeared as an emblazoned crest on the helmet. I breathed a blast of fire onto a small stick and then transformed back into my normal self, placing the medallion back to its place.
“Cool, I have to check these out!” exclaimed Dom, glancing at everyone. “Let’s see, There’s one with bubbles, one with a spiral, one with a...”
“Okay, eager beaver, I’ll explain them later.” I replied. The belt then dissapeared.
“Freaky,” Nat said. “I’ll always believe you.”
“Seeing is believing!” I smiled brightly at Nat and Dom as we walked deep into the lit cave.
“Wow, this sure is a deep cave. It’s amazing it’s not man made”.
“This place is creeping me out.” Dom whispered, finally.
“Act your age, Dom. I thought you were 10,” Nat sniggered.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut UP! I AM 10!” Dom screamed. This gave away to Fraser that we were close.
“The trap is set! I shall finally get my revenge after all this time!” Fraser exclaimed with glee. Natalie, Dom and I walked closer and we saw daylight! Then something unfortunate happened. The floor beneath Nat and Dominic collapsed, and I was taken up to a higher level.
“HELP!” was the last scream I heard before I was engulfed in darkness.
That's chapter 5... whoever didnt like it before please tell me why... I want to fix it so that I can publish it someday
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 8:00 am
Sasuke Avalon OK, the second chapter is not quite finished... oh well, here's my chapter two... introduction... (I may add a prolouge now... sweatdrop im still wondering) Hi, I’m Scott, leader of the Solar System Team (SST). We’re an organization, kind of, and are dedicated to stopping crime in its tracks. I’m not the only member. There’s my brother and my friend too, however, if you want to help, call in. I suppose I should tell you a little about myself. I’m 14, still in school, but most likely smarter than most 40 year olds in the world. I love Technology. It’s the best. I’ve made so many things, including my medallions, scanner, caller, super watch, the list goes on and on and, you get the point. My brother, Dom, is kind of a worry – wort. He’s 10. He just doesn’t want to admit I’m better than him. I guess he thinks he’s second best to me, but he’s not. He has to learn that. He’s a Maths freak. I don’t like that term, but he is. There’s no doubting it. Of course, I like Maths too, but Technology is more my forte. Then there’s Natalie. She’s 19, but she wishes she was older. She just loves Science. Oh yeah, our Systemites, which is where we draw our powers from (except I can amplify my powers in other ways) are Saturn, which I draw on, Dom with the Moon, and Nat getting Jupiter. How did we get the powers? Well that’s another story. But for now I’ll tell you when I met the infamous Black Hole Highway. This devious group comprises of Thomas, Natalie’s older brother who doesn’t really get along with her, Richard, their technical supervisor, The Ronstar, who loves nothing more than playing pranks and working for their leader. Oh and talking. He just goes on and on, like my list of inventions! Of course, their leader. That’s Fraser. He used to be my friend. Actually, I don’t quite know how he got caught up with these evil guys… oh well. Back to the story! And if you *want* the third... well just wait until two days edit: ** OK, I'm gong to give a bit of beta advice. Your grammar and spelling seem fine, but no one likes to read a Great Wall of Text. I will divide the quote into paragraphs to show you.
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 2:53 pm
Thanks, I was thinking of dividing it but I didn't know where... the problem is I am going back to school soon and then to camp and then back to school so the 6th chapter will be a while...
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 11:43 pm
Do you know how to make fight scenes good? That's what I'm up to... fight scenes involving Natalie vs Thomas, Dom vs Richard and Scott vs The Ronstar
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:10 am
well I liked it.If I were to write a fighting scene then I would describe the characters strengths and weaknesses a bit more.It's just a suggestion though.
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Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 1:23 pm
You mean like their powers and such... in a detailed format...?
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Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 2:17 pm
Im saying im back from camp and will try to work on my story...
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