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 Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:40 pm
I've recently come to the point where I feel like I'm ready to have sex. Still, I know that people my age don't always have the capacity to understand that they are not ready, so I would appreciate some second opinions.
Looking at all the obvious checkpoints, I'm doing fine so far. I am seventeen, in college, educated about STDs, educated about birth control, and on the pill. I have talked to my boyfriend about all the consequences and possible scenarios, and we don't seem to disagree about anything regarding sex.
But I know that all that alone doesn't constitute true readiness. Since I've known about STDs and pregnancy for a long while now, I'm more concerned about my emotions. I feel like I'm ready, though. I feel like I understand what sex is really about: connection, pleasure, and making babies. Sex with my boyfriend would be another way for us to connect and be close to each other. I love my boyfriend, and I want to be as close to him as possible. I feel comfortable with him looking at all my ugly and embarrassing body parts, so much that he's even going to help me wax beforehand. I'm comfortable with his body, as well. It would be okay if he farted while we were having sex; I imagine I would just laugh and keep going.
The only thing that I have any concern about is my level of emotion towards my boyfriend. I really love my boyfriend, but I falter when I stop to compare my feelings for him to those I had for my ex-boyfriend. I was never ready to have sex with my ex, but for some reason I feel like I loved him more. We were attached at the hip when we were together, and that's probably one of the reasons why we fell apart after almost two years. My passion for him was like something out of a romance movie, including the misunderstandings, mixed feelings, and running across the parking lot to cry and hold each other after a fight. I still get sad when I think about him. Even though I know he's not the one for me, I still wish that he could be around. Sometimes I wish that he was my brother. That way, I could still keep in contact with him for the rest of my life in a way that doesn't require the consistency of friendship or the intimacy of a relationship.
I love my current boyfriend in a different way. I would almost describe it as a more... domestic way. Loving him just makes me want to get married and have babies. I fantasize about marrying him, raising children with him, going on family vacations, and growing old together. None of that is likely to happen, but that's just the sort of love I have for him. I feel comfortable, stable, and loved around my boyfriend, and I think that that is probably the type of feeling I'll be looking for in a long-lasting relationship. I do miss the passion, however. We still have passion in our relationship, but I don't feel it as strongly when I'm away from him. It's been more than a year since I broke up with my ex, but I still feel passionately for him. I wonder if that means that my love for him is stronger.
Despite these things, I still think that I'm ready. I may have loved my ex boyfriend more, and I would have had sex with him if I had been older, but I wasn't. Now I am, and I feel mentally and emotionally ready for sex.
Please share any opinions you have on whether I am ready or not. The more detailed, the better, but any input would be greatly appreciated.
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:15 pm
Interesting points you make. I think you might get a wide variety of answers for this one.
I would not worry about the passion issue much if I were you. Many couples in long term relationships don't feel the passion that we see in movies. I only feel that way the very first time that I am with a lover. xp That's just me of course. I feel safe, stable and comfortable with my boyfriend. I don't feel an insane amount of passion. I don't feel like I am in a movie, and honestly, I don't think that I want to. Notice that most romantic movies are about the couple getting together, not about couples who have been married for twenty years. There's a reason for that. People get safe and stable feeling with time, and there isn't that movie passion anymore in many, maybe most, relationships. I do not see it as a bad thing or a weakness in the relationship. If anything I think it might be a strength, a sign of a strong, stable, comfortable, mature relationship.
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 7:35 pm
It's possible to love people in different ways. Since everything was so new with your first boyfriend, maybe it was more passionate. All the emotions you had never felt, so they were so raw. That's how it was with my first boyfriend at least.
With my boyfriend of 4.5 years it's a different kind of love. I love him much more than my ex, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if I truly loved my ex. It was more of a lust. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster with my ex, but I feel like 4.5 years have gone by in a week with my boyfriend now! My boyfriend is my best friend and my lover, but my ex, well, I didn't even know that much about him the more I think about it!
Sometimes mystery can be more passionate than knowing everything about someone, but I'll take comfort and stability over that any day! It took me the hard way to find this out with my boyfriend and him almost leaving me, but I'll spare you the details of that! I'd just say that it's far better to have someone who loves you for who you are without all the drama and inconsistancy (sp?). Some people crave drama, but I'm not one of them. The grass is always greener on the other side, but you and your ex did break up for a reason.
You're the only one who can decide about having sex or not. It seems like you may be ready, but you have to make that choice for yourself. Don't do it just to get over your ex though. You have to remember your boyfriend's feelings though too. domokun domokun
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Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 4:46 pm
I'm of the opinion that it's impossible to be 100% sure but you have to take some risks in life and this is one of them. If you're more than waveringly sure on the issue, you probably won't have any regrets afterwards. That's the way it was for me. I was wavery for a really long time and then I stopped being wavery but I still wasn't 100% sure. Well, I've got no regrets. I also hate to say this but after you've done it, it stops being a big deal (although, if you were to do it with the absolutely wrong person, that could be different...) You'll probably just feel like, "oh, that's it?" and be in disbelief of how you don't really feel all that much different.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a good thing going. Nobody but you can make the decision but if it was me, I would go for it.
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Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 12:50 am
You never lose your first love. At least, I never have. He's an a*****e, and I hate his guts, but he still lingers on in my heart. There's no reason to forget that kind of relationship, but don't let it hold you back in future ones.
As for sex... Well, here's my take.
I'm 21 years old. I've had four serious relationships, each lasting longer than a year, in the past five years, three of which lead to offers of sex. I am still a [technical] virgin to this day.
I am beyond mature enough to handle the responsibility of a sexual relationship, but I have maintained the decision to save myself because I don't feel comfortable with the risks yet (mostly pregnancy). The good news is that I have enjoyed many alternatives to sexual intercourse with each of those significant others (and, for as far as I know, so've they). There are ways to enjoy sexual stimulation without taking all the risks and responsibilities that come with an intercourse-centered relationship. Furthermore, it's allowed me time to gain a greater understanding of my sexuality and the things that I might prefer once I decide to take the next step. While it's easy to say that you're ready for a sexual relationship, there's still a lot of maturity that develops within such a relationship. It's been to my personal benefit to find those things at my own pace, rather than jumping to intercourse.
Does that mean it's right for you? I have no idea. xp But know that it is very possible to have a meaningful sexual relationship without penetration, if that sounds like an option more appealing.
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Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 12:00 pm
I haven't forgotten my first love either. We met in church (our families knew each other), and grew up as childhood friends. He and I started dating at 16, and broke up when we were 18 after 2 years and 3 months. We both had a lot of emotional issues, and the last 6 months of the relationship weren't very good. But he was my first love, and although we don't talk much anymore, we haven't forgotten each other. He is also the one I lost my virginity to, and I took his virginity as well (first girlfriend and boyfriend thing).
He and I slept together when we were both 17, after just a little over 1 year of dating. I was on the Pill for about two months before we had sex for the first time, and we used a condom. I've never had sex without being on some form of hormonal birth control, so I recommend it to anyone who's thinking of becoming sexually active. You can talk to your doctor/gyno to find out which method would be best for you.
No matter what anyone else says, including myself, always use a condom when having sex. Not just for STD protection but as a back of method of contraception too. In addition, if your partner is not a virgin, be sure to get them to get tested before becoming sexually active together.
I've only ever been in two relationships, both of them serious. My first one you know already lasted for 2 years and 3 months. The second one is the one I just got out of with my current ex - we dated for a year and a half. Both relationships involved my partner and I being sexually active.
I have no regrets, because I cared about both people at the time we were sexually active together, and I never compared my feelings for my current ex to those for my first ex because they're very different as people, and the relationships I had with them are very different as well. Sex is something I felt ready for, and something I'm comfortable with doing. In addition, I'm at a point in my life where if I do get pregnant, I can deal with the situation and it's not one I'll regret.
Overall while it's fantastic that you know your stuff and you've talked it over with your partner, I would say don't have sex if you don't feel 100% comfortable doing so. You mentioned that you "faltered" when comparing your feelings for your boyfriend to those for your ex - perhaps that would be something to work out within yourself before having sex with your boyfriend? 3nodding I would also lay out a light plan about what your boyfriend and you will do if you get pregnant, so that if it does happen, you two will have an idea of what to do and will be in agreement about it (I know you mentioned it already but it's important and is worth repeating).
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