Welcome to Gaia! ::

.....ok...recently, well a few months ago, i stoped going to theripy..its not really theripy, the pyshcholigist gave me meds for my depression and ADHD. So after we concluded i wouldn;t need them for a bit. I stopped taking them, i was fine for about two months. Then i recently startd these huge depression spurts. they would only last about a day, spaced about five days apart..aprox. Then a day ago, last night about.....7:35:47pm just suddenly felt confused, unloved, betrayed, hated, unwanted, burdened, overwhelmed and really helpless.

So i asked my mother if i go could for a drive or stay at my friends house for the night, because i wasn't feel very good about my-self. She asked what was wrong and i told her. she said sure and we went. the next morning...afternoon really, i called her and we talked and i told her i was feeling better but i'd probably stay another night because i was still feeling a little low.

She said alright and asked if we shoudl go shopping for some food my friends family as a thank you for letting me stay. So we did, we took two of my friends with us as well when we went. We went out and came back with the food and then i went back out and we talked for a little bit and we huged and i said goodbye and she went home.

Then about, roughly mind you, forty-two minuets ago, i started feeling even worse, i was contemplating suidicide, homocide, self-mutilation, just self-harm in general. So i called my mom and told her it was getting worse. She asked that i should come home; i told her i'd be alright so long as i was with friends, and she said she'd rather i come home but i cut her off, and explained.

"its like i have a ...happy demenor but i just feel crappy." she agreed to called my psychitrist and try to get ahold of her so we coudl start up meetings again. then i asked when she came to pick me up tomorrow that she bring the anti-depressaint i've been on since i started with the psychitrist. 'Welbutren' (i think thats' how its spelled)

she said alright and asked me to promise i wouldnt cause myself harm and i promised. She also told me to call crisis if i felt i was starting to get even worse, then to call her.

what i want to know is whats wrong with me. This started so suddenly that i don't know what triggered it. I knw my depressions can be caused by a button breakign and end a second later to a month later. BUt i don't recall anything being wrong at the time this one started. I was happy i was playing a game that i love to play when im happy, sad, angry, depressed, anything. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I was contemplating calling crisis and requesting i be placed into an adolecent center again. (i was placed into one on my call in Eighth grade when i felt my sanity snap.)

i Need to know whats wrong, if not then at least what i can do to occupy myself to at least the point of relitive happiness, so i can last the night without loosing it.

Please somone help me.

but i don't feel like its a chemical this time. before i coudl tell it it was. How im not sure, intutive proces one could say i guess. but i just....i know its not a chemcial thing this time. Its much bigger than that.