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 Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 6:59 pm
My boyfriend, Kyle, has been my best friend for five years now. A year and a half ago I was raped by an a*****e I see regularly (he lives right down the street from me). I had a bunch of friends over and some loud music, he asked if he could talk to me aside from everyone and suggested my room. I told him that we could talk in the hall, so I followed him there and he started talking to me, telling me how pretty I was and how much he liked me. Next thing I know he's grabbed me and slammed me against the bathroom wall and undid my pants, pulling them halfway down my thighs. He fingered me while I cried and begged him to stop it, but he's much stronger than I am. After a minute or two he dropped his hold on me and turned around, washing his hands in my sink. Then he turned and walked out of my house. I've come to grips with it pretty well. I have things that bother me, like having my jeans down my thighs like that, but I'm pretty much accepted it and moved on.
Kyle, however, loves me to death and is very protective of me. He worries all the time because I was abused as a little kid. I was open with him about this when I froze up in a sexual situation. He flipped, understandably. He was furious that someone had hurt me like that and was intent on making the guy wish he'd never been born. I talked him down and he accepted that it would only hurt me more.
No biggie, until he brings it up earlier today. This time Kyle was really upset about it. I think the main reason he was upset was because I told him outright that it would hurt me a lot if he did anything. He said something about beating the s**t out of J for raping me. I hadn't really thought of it to myself as rape, and I said so. Kyle asked what I thought of it as, and I truthfully replied that I just didn't think about it. He got all worked up and then decided that he didn't want to talk about it anymore, so he left a few hours early. Kyle's really sad because he feels like he failed me as the protector he has always told me he'll be for me.
So I need some way of trying to help him with this, but everything I've tried has failed so far. I don't think I need to work on coming to grips with this, because I've done so pretty well, but my luv needs my help, but he doesn't want it. I think he doesn't feel like he deserves my help because he couldn't help me when I was raped. In reality, no one could, but he's helped me to feel better about myself.
Any advice? gonk
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Posted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 1:59 pm
I wouldn't call that rape, but it is definatly sexual assault.
You need to tell your boyfriend that hurting your attacker, could hurt you both if he pressed charges. If you were to press charges against your attacker for what he did, anything your boyfriend did could hinder your case.
Feeling like a failure is a usual feeling when you hear someone you love was assaulted. He should talk to someone if he feels it's really getting to him. Have a long talk with him, and make him understand how you feel about it. Sit him down and let him know you're there to listen. It's likely he needs to vent his feelings. Above all, tell him it's not his fault. Often people blame themselves for things they couldn't have stopped. It's unhealthy, and can cause problems in the future. Tell him how much he has helped you, and that if you've pretty much come to grips with what happened, he can too.
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Posted: Mon Dec 25, 2006 7:50 am
I actually looked it up, and unwanted penetration with any object or body part is seen as rape.
Kyle's doing much better, I did what you suggested and he's not happy with it and he still feels bad about it but he isn't blaming himself as much as he was before. Thank you so much. whee
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Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 7:41 pm
I certainly would not call that rape. If that were rape, then far more people would be rape victims. We would have do away with the term "child molestation" and just call every attack of a sexual nature "rape" by that definition. Some people do define rape the way that you do, any unwanted sexual attack. But be aware that most people do not use that definition. Most people use rape to mean forced sex, not forced oral or manual.
"The legal definition of rape includes only slight penile penetration in the victim's outer vulva area. Complete erection and ejaculation are not necessary. Rape is the perpetration of an act of sexual intercourse whether:
-will is overcome by force or fear (from threats or by use of drugs).
-mental impairment renders the victim incapable of rational judgment.
-if the victim is below the legal age established for consent."
http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/abuse-1
So, you were sexually assualted. It might not seem important to quibble over the exact meaning of words and legal definitions, but if you are going to accuse someone of a crime, it can be pretty darn important to accuse them of the right one.
Now, that brings me to the next issue. If you know who sexually assualted you, why didn't you call the police? By not calling the police you are letting a dangerous person walk the streets. Rapists don't just wake up one day and start raping people. They usually start out smaller and work their way up to it. This guy might become a rapist some day. Any information that you can give the police can help, even if it does not lead to a conviction any time soon. That way, if he ever is accused of actually raping someone, your complaint of sexual assualt will be in their records as evidence. That can help them convict him.
Your boyfriend might feel better if something were done about it too, I know I sure would. That way, he can feel like some justice was served. He can also feel like he is a part of things by standing by your side when you talk to the police. It might bring some closure to the issue for him.
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 10:33 am
Alrightie, I wasn't completely sure on the terms there.
I don't want to press charges against him because I haven't told anyone but my boyfriend and my best guy friend. From the latter I learned that the guy has done it to someone else as well. Even though it wasn't a one time thing I really don't want it to get out in the open.
I'm really thinking about telling the police though, if I can just stick with a complaint and not have to deal with him.
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Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 12:46 pm
Song of the Rain Alrightie, I wasn't completely sure on the terms there. I don't want to press charges against him because I haven't told anyone but my boyfriend and my best guy friend. From the latter I learned that the guy has done it to someone else as well. Even though it wasn't a one time thing I really don't want it to get out in the open. I'm really thinking about telling the police though, if I can just stick with a complaint and not have to deal with him. If you don't tell the police then that gives off the impression that you find nothing wrong with it. If no one makes complaints about this guy, he actually might get the impression that no one minds what he is doing. I had a stalker in college. No matter how many times I told this guy to get lost and stop following me, he would be back the next day like I never told him to get lost. After almost a year, I got a protective order. Then all of a sudden, he got the message. I never heard from again. When making my complaint, I did not have to see the guy. I made my complaint, signed a paper, and left. They called him in after I left, explained the situation, and made him sign a paper. I never had to talk to him. Just make sure the police know that you don't want to deal with him; I highly doubt they would make you get anywhere near him. Not telling the police is the selfish way out when any sexual assualt is concerned because it lets the guy do it again. Like I said, there is a good chance your complaint will not get a conviction or jail time or anything like that, but at least something will be on record for him. That will mean if someone else makes a complaint in the future, it will be easier to make a conviction then. It also means that if he ever bothered you again, in any way, you would be more likely to get him a conviction or jail time since the police already have a complaint on file.
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Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 4:47 pm
well if he think she faile du as a protector then u should try and raise his confidance.. as juvenile as it sounds, comment on how much u appreciate him and love him... or even how strong he is. Talk about how u dont know how u could live without him or something like that.. i think he is just feeling like u dont need him. if u tell him things that raise his confidence then he mite feel better
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 4:11 am
Despite the grammar issues, the post above mine is right. I have a very protective boyfriend, and was also sexually assaulted by one of his friends. For a while he felt like he was worthless, and just hated himself! A little ego boost never hurts. Remind him that he makes you feel safer...honestly I really think that's all some guys want to hear; that they can be strong for you and it makes you feel happy and safe.
Secondly, there are support groups for boyfriends to victims of rape an assault. They do wonders, and I highly reccomend one!
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Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 1:21 pm
you poor thing!!! i know this may be hard, but you should tell the police or something, so that he cannot do this to another girl. i went through the same thing, and i did not tell anyone, next thing i know, i learn after he did it to me, he did it to like, 3 other girls in my school. we need to stop these people before they hurt others!
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Posted: Wed Feb 07, 2007 1:41 pm
This is another way of thinking about it. When I was assaulted I was reluctant to report it. I was ashamed, scared of reprisals, scared of my parents finding out that I was sexually active. A friend was later assaulted by the same person... When she found out that it had happened to me she held me responsible for not reporting him. We came forward together.
It dawned on me that but not reporting him I was as guilty of the assaults on others as he was. I was complicit in the rapes for allowing him to hurt me and not saying anything. I am not trying to guilt you into something but that was how I ended up feeling... he is turing into a serial rapist, many of them turn to killing later on... do you want to be a party to that?
Report him... he will escalate!
Back on topic, your boyfriend wants to DO something to stop this guy and make him hurt for hurting you! Bringin him to justice will help him not feel as ineffectual and helpless... men hate feeling helpless.
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Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:37 pm
--edit-- i did not realize how old this post was.... so i erased my comment anyone know if it has been cleared up yet?
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Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:57 pm
this year was a badd year for me. i was asualted by a guy on my boyfriends football teram. actually one of his closets friends. and i remember telling my bf wut happened and he FLIPPED but like idk i ruined their friendship and i feel bad about it. but yeah i remember like to make him feel better i reported it to the police and to the school. and like yeah it made him feel better and it made me feel better to. so i would report it, especially if u have to see him daily like i did. definantly report it.
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:23 am
I would classify it as rape. I think that you should tell your boyfriend that you love him very much and that him being with you is all you need from him. Tell him that you don't need him to protect you all the time. Say that you think it's sweet that he wants to protect your welfare, but you also think that he shouldn't beat himself up for it. It's good that you have someone who cares about you.
P.S Make sure that you talk to him when he is calm and actually going to listen. smile
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