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So, I had this thing that I went through for about 7 years, maybe more i kinda lost track. I was physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused by many different people. And I know that it has taken a toll on my life. I don't act like other guys, I don't socialize with people well, and I am very very , lets just say moody for now. So, I keep trying to act like nothing is wrong, I keep pretending I am fine, and all the while, I am scared when molder guys touch me. Like my shoulder things like that. And at church, my leaders really love me and they think of me like their own kid. But they are both guys. Ruben is 29 and Tim is 26, not that older then me. I am 17. When they hug me, it starts this thing in my head, like 1 side is yelling, YAY someone loves us, but the other side starts screaming out for help. I don't want to hurt them and tell them to stop touching me but I am going nuts. I just need to start acting like an abuse victim and not try to be normal. cause I am not. Thank you for listening and any thing you want to tell me is very much welcomed.

[[I was shanking when i wrote this, so there are typos. I think i got them all tho, if any I am sorry]]

Don't be ashamed of what happened to you. I think it would be best if you told them that you aren't comfortable with being touched. They love you, and they shouldn't be hurt if you tell them that. If you can, and if you feel comfortable with them, you can tell them that you were abused, which is why contact is difficult for you.

No, you can't pretend nothing is wrong, and erase those 7 years of pain. Trying to go through life hiding what happened to you is going to wear you down. It would really be best if you can find someone you trust to go to and get some counseling/advice to work through the grief you endured, and to be able to learn how to socialize normally. It won't be easy, and some scars can never heal. But they can stop being open wounds.

Ask for help.

Coming off my own trauma, albeit not as tough as what you're going through, I must say that healing won't be easy. I've had truckloads of nights where I've just cried my little heart out. But I've also had more nights where I've rejoiced because God has healed something broken or I've just seen God's goodness.

Yeah, you'll heal, and you'll do alright. But what you've got to do is collapse on God. Of course faith isn't a bandage. Faith in God is more than a bandage, it's a complete renewal. It may or may not be instantaneous, but God will renew you and will heal your broken heart. If God can heal my heart, He can heal yours. When you lean on God and cry with God, He always heals you. Sometimes He drives you to it. Or, like He's done with me, broken me to the point where I can give up the things that have poisoned me for so long. Of course, God never breaks without healing.

Also, crying with God doesn't mean crying alone. Remember that God lives in you, and in your brothers and sisters in Christ. As my wise friend said, "If you cry with me[other Christians], you cry with God, too. God is in me[other Christians] and God is in you. When I hug you or you cry on my shoulder, God is hugging you and you're crying on God's shoulder." Don't forget that. Going through it with God's strength does not give you a reason to avoid people. Those relationships with your leaders: (if you feel comfortable doing it) strengthen them.

I know how you feel almost exactly, I have been abused heavily almost my whole life.
I can understand the depression, the facade, the fear... you first need to find a friend be it of the same sex or opposite sex and create a good and trusting friendship with that person, also, going and getting professional help, such as a therapist, helps a great deal to, but a lot of the work on getting over it you have to do yourself, and the biggest thing you have to have in all this, is faith. Faith in your beliefs, whatever they are. That will help you get through the tough times. YOu cannot han gin the past forever, I did, and it got me nowhere but no friends and paranoid. I know its [ainful and i know you are scared and you crave the love you need. BUt first you need to set things right with yourself, accept the help from good and trusting people and they will get you through as well as your faith. Once you go thorugh such abuse, you are never normal. Goddess knows I'm not. But I am able to look back on it and forgive those who have been cruel to me, who abused me.
Thats another large thing, forgiveness. It is going ot be the hardest thing to do but you have to do it to let the healing begin. It all starts with forgiving those who wronged you and then you can step free and move on. Things will get better, theyw ill turn around. It takes a lot of time to go through the entire healing process but you can do it. Believe in yourself, forgive, have faith, and love. And its good that you are not lying to yourself and that you are not butting on the facade of normal, but do not play the victim for too long, or else you could be thought of in a bad manner. Once you have finished healing you no longer need to act like an abuse victim, because you will ahve moved on and freed yourself of the baggage that is weighing your sould down. Its a long har dorad to be fully healed and all, I should know.

Have faith, your god will get you through, as will your faith and your friends.