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 Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:20 pm
 kay, so I've been trying to get back in the habit of writing every day and I realized I haven't written any poetry in a while, so I wrote one Friday afternoon and ended up tweaking it in study hall today. I cut four stanzas and changed the beat a bit on the third and fourth (now the last two xP)
WARNING: HERE THERE BE SHITTY POETRY
as dead bells chime through wooden streets
ring these hollowed grounds and leave us
nothing but the frost
that bites it's way right through the window glass
paper carbines spinning
moving nothing but the empty air
as tremulants ring through the room
these walls refuse to budge
there's nothing left to run from, love
this place won't even burn
these holy ghosts are nowhere to be found
there's nothing left to hide from, love
I fear we've lost our way
this calendar will never set on summer time
suggestions please? D;
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:24 pm
///+ Buzz Bro... +///
that was really deep
I'm not like a master poet by any means, so I didn't understand what it meant or anything... BUT I do know when a poem is good 3nodding
///+ ...Blue+///
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:27 pm
buzzkid24
///+ Buzz Bro... +///
that was really deep
I'm not like a master poet by any means, so I didn't understand what it meant or anything... BUT I do know when a poem is good 3nodding
///+ ...Blue+///Thanks whee heart
It's baisically about a couple having a horrible time in a cold, unfamiliar place, and feeling that they have nothing left. It's also supposed to suggest that they've gone a bit crazy, hearing pianos in the middle of the night and commiting arson.
Yeah, I haven't really worked it all out myself. It needs a lot of tweaking rofl
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:30 pm
O: ILU THAT WAS THE BEST POETRY IN THE WORLD. <333333333333 *major poetry fanatic person xD*
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IntermittentShiningLights
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:33 pm
Turtle_Devil O: ILU THAT WAS THE BEST POETRY IN THE WORLD. <333333333333 *major poetry fanatic person xD* -squeefase- whee heart heart heart
OMGSOAMI. I'm obsessed with Robert Browning rofl
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:36 pm
Not a bad start, but it really needs to flow better.
3&4's imagery flows better than 1&2.
Could put in a little more to the poem to show the poem's story that you mentioned in your other post since right now the poem doesn't reflect it much. ^^;;
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:40 pm
Insomnesiac Not a bad start, but it really needs to flow better. 3&4's imagery flows better than 1&2. Could put in a little more to the poem to show the poem's story that you mentioned in your other post since right now the poem doesn't reflect it much. ^^;; Thanks <3
Yeah. Any suggestions? I love the first stanza, it's supposed to give off the impression of a small wooden model of a city being shaken by the ring of a bell. The second one could change, but I love the word tremulant rofl
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:56 pm
system malfunction Insomnesiac Not a bad start, but it really needs to flow better. 3&4's imagery flows better than 1&2. Could put in a little more to the poem to show the poem's story that you mentioned in your other post since right now the poem doesn't reflect it much. ^^;; Thanks <3
Yeah. Any suggestions? I love the first stanza, it's supposed to give off the impression of a small wooden model of a city being shaken by the ring of a bell. The second one could change, but I love the word tremulant rofl the tremulant rattling of the frost covered windows ? More lines showing the idea that there are two people in the poem, a flow from how the unfamiliarity of the frozen place that they're in is leading them to hear things that aren't there making them want to "quiet it all?". Oh, and free verse and the thesaurus are <3 here. XD
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 7:05 pm
Insomnesiac system malfunction Insomnesiac Not a bad start, but it really needs to flow better. 3&4's imagery flows better than 1&2. Could put in a little more to the poem to show the poem's story that you mentioned in your other post since right now the poem doesn't reflect it much. ^^;; Thanks <3
Yeah. Any suggestions? I love the first stanza, it's supposed to give off the impression of a small wooden model of a city being shaken by the ring of a bell. The second one could change, but I love the word tremulant rofl the tremulant rattling of the frost covered windows ? More lines showing the idea that there are two people in the poem, a flow from how the unfamiliarity of the frozen place that they're in is leading them to hear things that aren't there making them want to "quiet it all?". Oh, and free verse and the thesaurus are <3 here. XD A tremulant is part of an organ piano, or at least that's the way I know it. The second stanza is a different scene
It's supposed to be a little abstract, but I completely agree. I should probably un-scrap the last four stanzas and fix them, or just start over from this point
I'm just going by the thesaurus in my head for now. More fun that way xD
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 7:12 pm
tremulant
adjective
Marked by or affected with tremors: aquiver, quaky, quivery, shaky, shivery, tremulous, twittery. See repetition
That's where I got my definition of tremulant from. ^^
But yeah, it'll flow better when you have fun with your poem. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 7:13 pm
Insomnesiac tremulant adjective Marked by or affected with tremors: aquiver, quaky, quivery, shaky, shivery, tremulous, twittery. See repetition That's where I got my definition of tremulant from. ^^ But yeah, it'll flow better when you have fun with your poem. 3nodding That's probably the more common one, but oh well. I'll clarify by referencing the piano throughout it xD
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 7:13 pm
I haven't managed to edit much, but I have added a bit
as dead bells chime through wooden streets
ring these hollowed grounds and leave us
nothing but the frost
that bites it's way right through the window glass
paper carbines spinning
moving nothing but the empty air
as tremulants ring through the room
these walls refuse to budge
there's nothing left to run from, love
this place won't even burn
these holy ghosts are nowhere to be found
there's nothing left to hide from, love
I fear we've lost our way
this calendar will never set on summer time
as desperate pleas fall on deaf ears
just as if we're static blaring
from the broken radios
that shake these dirty avenues
sixteen stories falling past
this asphalt looked so comforting
the alleyways are all that's left
the sewer grates, my home away from
if home is where the heart is
then dear, ours burned down long ago
it's time to let the ashes go
and leave our chalk outlines behind
there are three more stanzas, but they're nothing worth sharing
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