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Ok, so due to research for an art project at school I now how a large collection of musical jokes. About instruments, theory stuff, and just music in general!
Now, some people might be offended by a couple of the jokes cuz they are a little mean, but please know that I have told every single one of these to the instrumentalist corresponding with them, and they all thought they were funny. So I think it's ok to tell them. And just so you all know, I'm a French Horn player (played for 7 years), and in the past I have also played Piano (8yrs), Violin (2yrs) and Viola(2yrs), and I like the jokes.

So without further delay, here's all the jokes I can write on the fly from memory:

How do you tune 2 oboes? -shoot 1.
How do you tune 2 piccolos? -shoot both.

What do French Horn players use for birth control? -their personalities.

What's the difference between a trombone player and a savings bond? -a savings bond matures in time.

Jimmy: Mommy I wanna be a trombone player when I grow up.
Mom: But Jimmy, you can't do both.

Who does the lobster call when his piano is out of pitch? -the Tuna.

What do you call half a tuba? -a One-ba.

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -one to screw it in and 20 to say they could have done it better. (I told this to our trumpet section leader and he loved it so much he told it to all our trumpet players)

How many French Horn players does it take to chance a lightbulb? -just one, but they'll spend two hours checking it for alignment and leaks.

So, a C, E Flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says "Sorry we don't serve minors." So the E Flat leaves and the C and G split a 5th. Well after several rounds of drinks the G begins to feel very flattened, and the whole situation becomes diminished.

Flute and Oboe players make things happen. Trumpet and Percussion players watch things happen. And Trombone and French Horn players wonder, what the heck happened?

Ok, so there's this kid in kindergarten and one day he come's home and says "Mommy today we learned how to count! The other kids got stuck at around 6 or 7 but I made it all the way to 10!" "That's because your a violinist." The next day he comes home and says "Mommy today we learned the Alphabet, the other kids couldn't get pask L or M but I got all the way to Z!" "Very good, that's because you a violinist." The next day he comes home and says "Mommy today we measured how tall we are and I'm the tallest in my class! Is that because I'm a violinist?" "No dear that's because your 20."

What makes the French Horn such a divine instrument? -Man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out!

How many musician jokes are there? -only one, all the rest are true!

How many drummers does it take to chance a lightbulb? -None, there's a machine to do that now.

What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse? -you can't hear a mouse squeak over the band!

I guess by now you've all heard of the guy who held 100 accordian players hostage and if wasn't given $10,000,000, threatened to release 1 an hour.



Well that's all I can remember right now. As I said, I told these jokes to people who played the same instruments and they all thought they were funny or true, or both. So again I apoligize if any of you don't agree. Don't take it personally, they're only jokes.

rofl i've heard that violinist one as a blonde joke before.

look mommy! i counted all the way to 10 and the other kids only got to 5 and 6. does that make me smarter? "yes sweetie, it does"

look mommy! i said my alphabet all the way to M and the other kids only got to H. does that make me smarter? "yes sweetie, it does"

look mommy! we were talking about puberty in class today. i have a C cup and the other kids only got A cups does that make me...---"no sweetie. they're 10 and your 23."

What has Mozart been doing since he has died?

Decomposing.

xD What a knee slapper!

What's the difference between a French horn and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because man blows and only God knows what comes out.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in it and play a lot of wrong notes.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
The knock speeds up.

How do you get a drummer to play an accellerando?
Tell them to play a steady 4/4 at 120 BPM.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in his car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How do you confuse a drummer?
Put music in front of him.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information once.

Why do drummers always have trouble entering the room?
They never know when to make an entrance.

How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but then again, who's really watching?

DIRECTOR: noun - the person who claims to be in charge when every thing is going well and denies involvement when things go wrong.

What is a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn't.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do you know there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Pizza Hut".

What's the dynamic range of a trombone?
On and off.

What's the first thing trombone players say at work?
Paper or plastic?

What's the difference between a trombone and a chainsaw?
Improvisation sounds better on a chainsaw.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell is too loud and it drags.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
An optimist.

What's the difference between a dead trombone player in the road and a dead squirrel in the middle of a road?
The squirrel may have been on his way to a gig.

How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide and he can't swing.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

What's the difference between a tenor sax player and a macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy and the other is a bird.

What's the difference between a bari sax and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

How do you make a chain saw sound exactly like a bari sax?
Add vibrato.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe.

What's a flaming oboe good for?
Lighting a bassoon on fire.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat.
Take the batteries out of his tuner.

What's the difference between an SCUD missle and an oboist?
The oboist can kill you.

are there any about pit???

How many flute players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they'll just get the drummajor to do it for them.

lol our drum major is a flute fplayer hahah!!! so its a two for one biggrin