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Asexuality - what?
Hello, I'm asexual.

What's asexuality?
While there are many different people who choose to call themselves asexual, the two most common definitions are
1: An asexual person does not feel physical/sexual attraction at all
2: An asexual person has no desire to have sex
Anyone who chooses to call himself asexual generally uses the term because it fits him best.

Are you sure you're not just gay?
Now, see, I struggled with this thought for awhile. When I was in 5th and 6th grade, I thought, "Well, I don't like boys. I must be gay." Then I discovered, "Ack, I don't like girls, either. What am I?" (And for all you homophobes out there, no, I didn't DO anything to find out I don't like girls. I just knew.)

Why make an entry about this?
I struggled for years to find my sexual identity (which turned out to be "No, thank you."). I want to raise awareness. Many people who I've found on the asexual forum (www.asexuality.org) have said they thought something was wrong with them and they went through long periods of depression before they found out that asexuality exists. They thought they were weird or stupid because they didn't feel the same interest in relationships as their peers did. I want to help someone.

Are you sure asexuality exists?
Lately, there has been research showing that asexuality, or at least the complete lack of sexual interest, is not only exhibited in about 1% of humans, but also in percentages of animals, including, sheep, mice, and certain insects.
Many people believe that people who are asexual MUST have some sort of deficiency that makes them that way. Let me go through the list:
Hormone levels: nope, my hormone levels are where they should be
Past sexual abuse: nope, nothing happened to me
Over-religiousness: well, I am a strong Christian, but I really don't think that has anything to do with it. In fact, if I really wanted to have a child of my own (I don't, I want to adopt), I would probably have sex merely for procreation.

How do you know you don't like sex if you've never had it?
How do you know that you don't like drinking vomit if you've never done it? Hitting your face with a hammer? Falling off a cliff onto jagged rocks? For me, it's something that I just know, exactly like how I just know that I wouldn't like to chew my own hand off.

Sex could be just a sniff away
- Jane Ganahl
Sunday, May 7, 2006

Sex drive. These days, it's topic A. It seems that you either got it or you don't. If you got it, be thankful. If you don't, join the club.

According to the market- research group Synovate, a lack of sex is the No. 1 reason that love grows stale in relationships. And, implicitly, contributes to the divorce rate.

Why do so many couples experience a drop-off in sex? According to the Web site mypleasure.com, the main reasons are, in ascending order: medical problems, aging, sexual abuse, a new baby, body issues, relationship issues, stress and anxiety -- and life itself. With all those cards stacked against having sex, it's a wonder the culture doesn't die off.

Women are especially susceptible to a loss of sex drive. And not just coupled women -- single women I know also have noticed that they think about sex far less than they used to. Of course, one could argue that once women (and people in general) hit a Certain Age, other things just naturally take precedence over getting one's bell rung. Kids, career, other passionate pursuits all line up for equal time. And it's not a bad thing; when I think of the time spent in my youth pursuing hotties instead of working on myself, it's a wonder I have any skills at all. I mean, besides the ones I can't write about.

Others are asking the more pointed question: Who cares? Does one have to have a sex drive to be acceptable in society? The Asexual Visibility and Education Network says no. On the network's Web site asexuality.org, 6,000-plus members say they're building a community worldwide, and the message seems to be, "We're fine just the way we are."

But with all of the books out there urging us to find our inner sexual animal (like Gail Sheehy's recent "Sex and the Seasoned Woman,") it's hard to let go of the notion that we should still be fornicating like rabbits; over the years it becomes part of our self-image. And for a lot of women, losing one's drive feels equivalent to being dead. Or at least close to it. For that reason, more and more products are appearing on the market that are supposed to help women restore that lovely flush in their cheeks that says I'm horny and I don't care who knows it.

Natural herbs, hormone creams, the so-called Female Viagra, even porn. Just recently, a Web site aimed at giving women "a fresh approach to rediscovering passion" was launched: eroticshiver.com.

The equivalent of an audio book club, Erotic Shiver sells audio downloads of sexy stories geared toward women's fantasies. Founded by personal trainer Amanda Clarkson (author of "Who Stole My Sex Drive?"), Erotic Shiver offers a sample snippet of a female rocker describing some hard-core backstage action. Hmm, this might be interesting to me, but it's hard to imagine most of my friends getting off on the idea of punk-rock liaisons.

Then again, it's always been said that the sexiest organ is between one's ears.

The brain plays an important role in the most unique libido-enhancement product I've seen come across my desk: Scentuelle. It's a patch for women to be worn inside the wrist and sniffed liberally all day long. Unlike pharmaceuticals like Viagra, which work on the physical mechanics of sex, Scentuelle claims to work on other all-important factors like mood and a sense of well being. Scentuelle contains ingredients that, when inhaled, are said to stimulate the production of dopamine, the hormone of bliss manufactured by the brain when someone first falls in love.

It's only a short hop between bliss and sex, at least in a dream universe.

Invented by a Scottish scientist and developed by an award- winning inventor, Liz Paul, Scentuelle has been available in Britain for a year, where an alleged 300,000 women are now living happier sex lives thanks to the patch. A month's worth of patches is available at www.myscentuelle.com for $34.95.

Paul explains its magic thusly: "It's aromacology. It works entirely on the smell. Nothing goes into the bloodstream, and it works on the limbic area of the brain, which controls our emotions and attitudes."

Although Scentuelle has its doubters, who note that a placebo test has yet to be done, there also are reams of testimonials by women who claim the patch has done lovely things for them.

Even though I don't feel a flagging in my own sex drive, as a public service -- and for a total lark -- I decide to test-drive these things for a few days to see if I notice any changes. (The Scentuelle people say it often takes a few days before changes are noticeable.)

Day 1: It takes a lot of practice to remember to sniff my wrist once an hour. The patch has a lemony scent -- not at all disagreeable, but it would not make a good perfume. More like a room freshener, really. I don't have a lot of faith that this is working -- yet.

Day 2: I get an e-mail from a man I fancy. I idly wonder what it would be like to have sex with him. Sniff sniff sniff.

Day 3: My kitchen sink backs up horribly and I have to call in a plumber. He weighs about 300 pounds and his pants always threaten to dip too low for dignity's sake. For a moment I start to wonder what it's like for him to have sex, but stop myself. I don't sniff the patch until he's gone. Despite the ugliness of muck in my sink and fog outside my windows, life seems sunny indeed!

Day 4: Run into the mayor at a baby shower. Good God, he is gorgeous. He kisses my cheek and I think I might pass out. I want to tell him to not marry his Scientologist girlfriend but I refrain. My ex-boyfriend also looks wonderful. I need to find a man. What a beautiful day!

Day 5: The drive to Mendocino is extraordinary! So is the town! I need to buy a house here! Retire by the seaside! Wow, the art gallery owner is handsome! I wonder ... I wonder. ...

To sum up: I did think about sex a lot (but I always do), and life seemed quite wonderful indeed. Not that it doesn't always, but this was like, butterflies and rainbows. And who couldn't use more of that in one's life? I mean, in addition to more sex?

E-mail Jane Ganahl at jganahl@sfchronicle.com.

Sexless and Proud
Asexuals Say They're Misunderstood in a Sex-Obsessed World
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David Jay has had plenty of girlfriends.
But despite the 24-year-old Californian's success in dating, he's a virgin -- and he plans to stay that way.
He's not joining the priesthood or taking any vow of celibacy; he said he simply has no interest in having sex -- ever.

"I'm sure that life is really, really great when it's all about sex. But life is also really, really great when it's not about sex," he told "20/20's" JuJu Chang.
Keith Walker of Texas was married for four years, but said he had sex only a handful of times.
"I really had no real interest or desire for sex. It was certainly nothing that I would ever think to do."
Nancy Mulligan, a divorcee from Washington state, said her seven-year marriage was never consummated.
"We did other things. We'd watch out for each other. We were affectionate with each other," she said.
When ABC News first covered this story, Walker and Mulligan were just friends. They have since become romantically involved, but say their sex lives haven't changed.
Victoria Glancy and Karl Hodgetts got married in May. They had sex once, but have no real interest in doing it again and still consider themselves asexual.
For the remaining members, giving voice to asexuality is a proud mission.
"I don't really see any difference between our relationship and other people's relationships, except you know, we don't have sex," Glancy said.
No Libido -- No Problem
Who are these people?
From different ages and walks of life, they share one thing in common -- not low libido, but no libido.
They call themselves "asexual," and they proclaim that they are not attracted to men or women.
Jay said his lack of libido was nothing new. He said he'd never experienced attraction -- to either sex.
"I realized that I was asexual because when I was young, all of my friends started being attracted to people, and I had no idea what they were talking about," he said.
It was the same way for Mulligan, who felt isolated for years.
"I thought I was the only one in the world. I had just kind of settled into the rut that I was different and decided to do the best I could with it," she said.
But now asexuals are building a community through a Web site -- asexuality.org. It has chat rooms, sells T-shirts, and says it has 11,000-plus members worldwide.
Jay is the Web site's founder, and the leader of what some call a new asexuality movement.
He explains what's behind the group. "We're told that you need sex to be happy. We're told that the rules are that if you have a relationship, sex has to fit into it this way. And it's kind of fun to break that rule," he said.
Asexuality Is 'Not a Choice'
But some experts question whether asexuality even exists.
There's been virtually no research on the subject. Psychologists disagree on how to define it.
And there's no certainty on what might influence it. Do hormones, genetics, personal experiences play a part? With no clinical or scientific conclusions on the subject, asexuals create their own definition.
And that definition is a far cry from celibacy, Jay pointed out.
"It's not a choice. Celibacy is a choice, whereas asexuality is just the way that you are. Much like being gay is not a choice, or being straight or being right-handed," he said.
Some studies show that asexual behavior exists in the animal world.
Dr. Anthony Bogaert of Brock University in Ontario, who has conducted one of the few studies of human asexuality, said he found as much as 1 percent of the population may be asexual.
"They may still have physiological arousal experiences, vaginal lubrication, erections, but they may not be able to, or [connect] that arousal to men, women or both," Bogaert said.
Living without that connection can be a challenge in a world fixated on sex.
"What I mind is when the idea gets enforced that people need sex. That without sex, you're somehow broken. And of course, we can be happy without sex," Jay said.
Sex Therapist Questions Label
But Joy Davidson, a certified sex therapist, believes Jay and his fellow asexuals may be shortchanging themselves with the asexual label.
"Sex is a fabulous, enormously pleasurable aspect of life. And your saying you don't miss it is like someone in a sense who's colorblind saying, 'I don't miss color.' Of course, you don't miss what you've never had," Davidson said.
Davidson cited a litany of factors that may be at the root of an asexual life.
"There may be something, maybe something physiological, endocrine, maybe something that has to do with trauma, or abuse, or repression, or severe religiosity, that has predisposed you to shutting down the possibility of being sexually engaged," she said.
But the asexuals Chang spoke with for "20/20" said they're perfectly happy as they are.
They said they're used to people questioning their identity. They've even questioned it themselves.
For years Glancy, who wasn't attracted to men, assumed she was a lesbian.
"I have slept with a couple of women, and it was just sort of, 'Oh, well, OK, we've done that now, so we don't have to ever do it again, right,'" she said.
Glancy ultimately decided that she's asexual -- a label Davidson has called problematic.
"You might as well label yourself not curious, unadventurous, narrow-minded, blind to possibilities. That's what happens when you label yourself as sexually neutered," Davidson said.
Some Asexuals Can Have a Change of Heart
Jay said his group was not trying to paint anyone into a corner.
"The thing about the asexual community is that we're not a place people come to to stop exploring themselves. We don't want to slap a label on people and then have that confine them," he said.
It's true that even the most vocal asexuals can have a change of heart. To their astonishment, Glancy and her fiance, Karl Hodgetts, recently discovered that their passions under the covers had been ignited.
Glancy said she and Hodgetts had been getting very close to having sex recently. And Hodgetts is open to that possibility.
"I just feel completely comfortable with Victoria. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable with someone. And so I'm willing to, you know, try things," he said.
So are Glancy and Hodgetts just ammunition for critics who say asexuals simply haven't found the right partners for themselves?
That doesn't matter to Glancy, because, she said, there's a possibility she won't want to have sex -- or have it more than once.
"I could have sex with Karl one time and go, 'Oh, OK, saw what that was like,' and then not like it," she said.
At first, Glancy said, she felt a bit uncomfortable acknowledging her sexual attraction to her fiance.
"When we were first kind of fooling around, and I'm like, 'Oh, I'm not supposed to like this.' But then that's stupid. I mean, you're just are who you are," she told Chang.
Although they hadn't yet had sex when Chang spoke with them, Glancy and Hodgetts removed themselves from the asexuality Web site.
For the remaining members, giving voice to asexuality remains a proud mission.
Chang asked Jay: "If I had a pill that I could give you to make you sexual, would you want it?"
"I would not take a pill to become a sexual person. I'm having way too much fun as an asexual person," he said.
This story first aired on "20/20" March 24, 2006.
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