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| arranged.... |
| marriage |
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10% |
[ 1 ] |
| flowers |
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30% |
[ 3 ] |
| cheese |
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20% |
[ 2 ] |
| a jigsaw puzzle, yesterday |
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40% |
[ 4 ] |
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| Total Votes : 10 |
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 Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 11:12 am
okay. I'm letting the cat out of the bag. I have an arranged marriage.Its part of my 'religion'. When I tell people the usually say "well, I'm never joining your religion.' which really discusts me, because they can't keep an open mind. keep in mind we have to choose to go, without knowing who the other person is beforehand.
I actually like my 'husband' (i put that in quotations because we aren't legally married yet), but we aren't more than friends yet. The thing is, its a bit of a mess, because he wasn't 'thinking straight' (according to him) and believed he would get married to this other girl that he had feelings for. (Which just dosen't happen, because in my 'religion' people get matched randomly.) But, if he wanted to, he could have spoken to his parents and have them arrange it, instead of the 'matchmaker'. Then he could have married her. Like i said before, he 'wasn't thinking straight'. But that was over a year and a half ago, and I think he's over her (She's married to someone else now).
But I don't think he was ready to get married anyway and now he seems to be having a hard time dealing with it. With having to grow up and take responsibility.He could just 'break' the marriage, but he won't. I don't know why. I mean, i don't want him too, but what can i do? And he lives in england, whereas i live in canada and he hasn't been calling me for several months. I talked to his mom and she says his 'youth pastor' told him to pray and do 'conditions' . Apearently one was not to call me, but that was months ago, and he never even told me about this 'condition'. I've been giving him space for more than a year and a half and decided not to let this go on for more than three years after the day we got married.
I'm not sure there is any advice anyone could give me, but if you want to comment, go for it.And if you've (somehow) had an arranged marriage, tell you stories about it. Also discuss arranged marriages in general.
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 8:51 pm
Well.. I mean its your religion.. No offense, but I think this is a sad case.. I didn't know people still go through arranged marriages at this time and age.. Don't you think that's why he's acting this way? From your story he seems really depressed.. I hope you "pastors" or leaders in your religion could help you.. Usually in complicated situations like that you approach them and ask for their advice..
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Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 3:54 pm
@miss_ericka: His youth pastor is helping him, but we don't have one here.(or in my country...for that matter.) But I pretty much know what I'm going to do, I'm just impatient. Also, I wanted some feedback. Thanks for that. There isn't anyone here to talk to thats been married already (at least not in my generation.*_*).
Just so everyone who reads this knows: It is my chosen 'religion'.
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Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 10:29 am
Miss Erika, its actually more common than we tend to think. Many cultures still practice arranged marriage as well as many religions. Generally the western societies have strayed away from that (a LOT).
Ingvanya, if you don't mind me asking, and if you don't mind sharing, what 'religion' are you? That is very interesting that you are in Canada and he is in England, did either of you used to live in Canada/England? Or, I mean, how did you come to be arranged with someone that far away? I am really interested in this! When is the general age that one gets married? And when do you get to finally meet your husband/wife to be (not you personally, but general case). I do hope things end up working out. Hopefully his youth pastor will be able to set him on the right path, one that he is comfortable with. And I hope that you are able to find someone to talk to as well.
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 1:02 pm
I think the only problem I see is that he isn't sure if he wants to go ahead with the arranged marriage. I'm not sure I could ever go through an arranged marriage, but that's my personal choice. If they both want to go through with the marriage, then that's their decision and choice smile
I am sorry his confusion is causing you distress sad Hopefully he'll be able to look into his heart and decide what's best for himself.
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Posted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 9:58 pm
My own personal experience with what I have seen and what I have learned though observations, talking to people, and through my own relationship, is that relationships will only last as long as both parties commitment to each other remains. If only one is committed, or neither, it will not bring either any joy or happiness, and inevitably falls completely apart.
I am also curious, being unfamilliar with said religion, if he is in England and you are here in Canada, what is expected of you when it comes to where you would be living as a couple? And why would the 'matchmaker' choose two people living so very far appart?
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Posted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 12:28 am
Raeden Michelle Miss Erika, its actually more common than we tend to think. Many cultures still practice arranged marriage as well as many religions. Generally the western societies have strayed away from that (a LOT). Ingvanya, if you don't mind me asking, and if you don't mind sharing, what 'religion' are you? That is very interesting that you are in Canada and he is in England, did either of you used to live in Canada/England? Or, I mean, how did you come to be arranged with someone that far away? I am really interested in this! When is the general age that one gets married? And when do you get to finally meet your husband/wife to be (not you personally, but general case). I do hope things end up working out. Hopefully his youth pastor will be able to set him on the right path, one that he is comfortable with. And I hope that you are able to find someone to talk to as well. I'm a Unificationist (or a 'moonie', if you like). Not a Unitarian,just to be clear. When we get matched its usually a set date where members from all over the world who are interested in being matched get together in one place for it. Usually the founder matches us, but recently, that has happened less and less. In fact he had stopped doing it himself for a while and was leaving it up to our parents (which means you get more of a say in who your spouse is going to be, if your parents listen to you). but when the founder decided to match people again for a short period of time, I wanted to go, because I personally think he'd be a better judge at it that my parents or myself. As to the general age, it depends, but i'd say it happens a lot between 18-25 years old. Either the founder (in my case) matchs us then (when we meet in the appointed place and time), or our parents match us (like i said) before (by asking around to other memers they know, and so forth) and we go to the place were the matching was done for the actual marriage. Usually a matching is followed by the religious ceremony (within about a week, i'd say, generally), so we can talk with and get to know our prospective spouses a bit better (to see if we are willing to go through with it). At least thats how it is for my generation (where we were born into the movement) , but the only difference if your not is that your youth pastor decides on possiblities and asks you to reflect on the choice they made for a candidate. You can say no, but (from what i know about it) usually only about 25% of the time people say no. We're really more a a pretty tight-knit comunity spread thinnly across the globe, than a large movement where no one knows each other. So, (for example) I may not know everyone, but I kno (or have heard of, at least) almost half the people in the movement. most will have known or heard about 25-30%. (I'm not accurate, I'm just trying to give you guys a rough idea of how we are as a whole.) to Gemstone: We would agree on which of the two countries to live in, or possibly on a third. Its just that most girls(well, my friends, to be precise) decide to go where their husbands live, but that has nothing to do with religious tradition, its more personal choice. And as to 'why so far away?', it doesn't always happen that way. But it happens a lot because we try to break down cultural barriers. When you are married to a person from a different culture than you, you have to try to understand how the other person sees things. I guess the theory is that thats easier to do in a marriage, than in most other contexts. to yuvy: thank you. I guess he has (see below). I guess I just expected my... husband to have been sure in the decision to go when he went and be committed to that decision. I don't know how he feels because he doesn't talk to me. Even when we had the time to talk in the begining, he wouldn't. He slept. But i think you can cure jetlag in a lot less than a week, so i really think he was avoiding me. So why get married in the firstplace? He could have said no. Its frowned upon, but its not taboo. I guess I should update you guys on the situation: He told me (by email, not even by phone) that he wants to end it. Okay, fine. But I want to talk to him one on one first (so he can't hang up, or something), because the way he went about the whole thing was just....wrong. You don't just randomly agree to marry someone you don't really want to marry, then drop it almost two years later, when you don't even talk (i wrote him letters, snail and email, which he didn't write back to and he seemed to like talking when I called, but he only called me three times himself. ). Also I found out he lied to me. In the beginning he said that this girl he had gone to get matched with (which he knew dosn't happen, he said so himself) had gotten matched and married to someone else and that he had no contact with her since then. I found out that she didn't get matched (which happens because a lot more girls go to get matched than guys) and i'm pretty sure that she's gone to see him several times at least, because i think i know who it is, and that same person visited his town and as far as i know, none of her friends live there, so its not obvious, but pretty close. So, yeah, I really don't think he's very mature.He's pretty callow for a guy. I'm sorry if I sound bitchy(with all of this), but its just that he just took almost two years of my life without a good reason. And he didn't even have the decency to call me up to tell me he was ending it, he had the nerve to just email me.Pretty dang callow, if you ask me. Thanks for writing back guys, I really thought no one would dare broach the subject smile . Your feedback means a lot to me.
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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 5:36 pm
I agree that the only problem I see is that he's dragging his feet. It sounds to me like he needs some serious guidance before he makes this decision, and I'm glad to hear that he is getting some advice from this youth pastor. Still, I'm not sure I feel it's fair that you have to wait when you're ready to make a commitment and move on. I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you, and I wish you the best of luck.
I don't know whether or not it's "frowned upon" for you to maybe call him and initiate contact instead of waiting for him to call you, but you could give it a try. Maybe if you show him your concern it will help him warm back up to you. Again, I wish you luck.
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Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 11:45 am
@JewelintheLotus: Thank you.
But I coresponded with him since then, and we've decided to call it quits. I'm no longer angry, but I realized he wasn't determined to keep it from the start, so there is no reason to let it hang on, unreasonably. We're friends now (I hope).
I think this time I'll take it slower and let my parents do it, so we have sufficient correspondance before hand to decide if we really want to go through with it or not. (Yes, I want to try again.)
At any rate, I know arranged marriages are not really talked about, so that was another reason I created this thread. I know that they seem backward to most people, but even in today's hinduism it is more of a choice than before.As a recipient of a religion that supports that method, I can answer questions. So if anyone has questions about, fire away.
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Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:42 am
I respect your beliefs,
But personally, I think that arrange marriage is not the best idea.
I think that one of the most important parts of a marriage is a strong and true friendship filled with trust and communication and respect. Both people have to be ready for marriage and both need to love each other (not nessecarily a passion type of love, but the commited type). None of this seemed to be present in this relationship, and I am very sorry that it didn't work out.
Hopefully you will be matched with someone who will treat you right in the future. heart
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Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 10:14 am
@ C E R E S: Your right, of course, about it needing commitment and friendship. The main issue was that he wasn't commited,I guess. But in any case,lifegoes on.
Thank you, I hope so too. smile
This febuary is rumoured to be the last time the founder is matching people, but I can't go anyway (finacially), which is fine. My parents will arrange it now, which means I have a lot more say,meaning I can practically choose for myself. (I'm luckier than some,as my parent always ask my opinions about important stuff that concerns me. ) Also, I'll have a bit more time to get to know him before hand, this way.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 12:01 am
I am sorry he hurt you, but I am glad you are moving on. 3nodding You deserve someone who likes you and wants to be with you.
I don't see a problem with an arranged marriage, I only see problems with forced marriages. (where one or both of the individuals do not want to marry, but are forced into it by parents, or whomever) If the two people want to be together, what does it matter if they found each other through their parents, or their founder, or whomever. I don't see it as being any different than the way people here look for partners through clubs or dating websites, save for that approach does not guarantee you someone who is not just with you for a fling during which they lead you on. I was fortunate, I met my now husband at work. I do not like clubs, and I never considered looking for a spouse over the internet. I actually wasn't looking for anyone but all that changed when I met him.
I hope you have found your someone since you last posted here, Ingvanya. biggrin
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