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 Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 3:25 am
"No, I don't want you to leave. That is what I have been trying to get at this entire time.. and I won't leave you unless you want me to... it's just--" Miika trailed off as he pushed away from the window and sighed heavily, trying to figure out what the end of that sentence was. Walking over to the bed, he sat down and put his face in his hands as he tried to think.
It was just... he wanted to know what happened to cause Alex to react like that... He wanted to know what it was that had caused him to run from the room, to... run away. Growling softly to himself, he tried to calm down. If Marks had done anything to.... he couldn't even think properly! Frowning in the highest level of displeasure, he finally pulled his face away from his hands to look towards Alex.
"Its just... I want to do all these things and I can't. I just can't do any of them, at least not properly. The only thing I did right was a brush of our lips. That seems to be all I can do and it just..." Miika trailed off once more before he looked towards Alex, shaking his head softly. "I don't know that kind of love, and I don't care to know it unless you want to be with him instead of me. If you do... I'm not going to hurt you, its your decision... Those things will always be your decision, I can't-- I won't force you into anything."
Miika shook his head once more. "I've only felt any form of love once before, and this... this goes so much more deeper than that. Perhaps its a friendly love, or perhaps its more than that. I don't know..." Miika shook his head softly. He needed to ask that question, but he was afraid of what he might hear... perhaps something he really didn't want to hear at all.
"Alex, what caused you to run away? You almost ran away from everyone until I grabbed you... You don't have to tell me, but... maybe you ran away because it was what you... truely wanted to happen and it scared you." It took mainly all of his control to sit down on that bed, to not get up and walk over to him... to not take his bird into his arms and give him a real kiss... It was hard enough controlling himself and his thoughts, trying to keep his head above doubt... but he could only do one or the other, and he would rather know than kiss him and find out after.
"I think... I need to go take a shower," Miika stated softly before looking around. Seeing another door, he stood from the bed and controlled his body, forcing himself to walk towards the bathroom and not Alex. Walking inside, he smiled at the sight of the shower and pulled off his clothes. Leaving the door open, in case Alex wanted to sit outside the shower and answer those questions anyway, he stepped in and closed the curtain half way, turning on the hot water before putting his hands on the wall, lowering his head as he allowed the water to beat down on his back. Slowly he began to relax... began to calm down... and finally, began to order his thoughts.
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 5:01 pm
It just... wasn't ever simple. Not that he expected or even wanted it to be, but this unending carousel of complications was... not annoying, not precisely, nor aggravating - nothing so paltry. Upsetting? Perhaps something closer to that. An impression that if only it were easier to say 'I'm sorry'...
But that wasn't an option, not when one didn't know where the compulsion to apologize had come from nor what exactly could be accomplished by such. An insistence, an oft repeated click of tongue or steely gaze, a warning that to apologize often and without fault is no apology at all and tears away meaning from the eventuality of genuine condolence. Besides, what he wanted now wasn't... well, in part perhaps. He wanted to explain, wanted to find that leap they both kept missing, find the way to put them into some reason or rhyme together when... these things... happened... in ways natural or otherwise. These things called love and so forth. And more than anything else he could summon to mind, he wanted to keep this...
This what? Always a question leading on and away. Couldn't keep to the point--and the point was that he needed some way to talk to Miika in the most complete and unequivocally straightforward manner possible. Which presented two options he felt comfortable with but which weren't actually useful and one which was... talking. Instead of allowing for misconceptions to arise from silence or terseness.
Likely good then, that Miika had taken to the showers once more - because he wasn't sure he had an answer even yet. He wanted to say... two things, almost. Either the most transparent truths he could or... anything that would make it simple, for once. But he'd been over that impossibility. Well then. The bird moved with soft steps, instinctually adverse to sudden movements or noises before pausing just to the side of the still open door and sitting down just as quietly, leaning sideways against the wall. Words, then. All the words possible.
"I've... never tried to explain this before," Alex warned initially, "And I hope it makes sense. But... Marks doesn't," didn't? "like me very much." Pause, breath, not heavy and shuddering and foreboding, nor a concealed sigh. More akin to... regret? "We understand each other - to the point where... sometimes we don't have to talk, to get a point across." Even though that point was usually 'go away' coming from the other. "But... Marks doesn't really like that. It makes him uncomfortable, I think... and because it's different for me in the way that I... it's strange, to know someone like this... and I'd prefer to know them in a positive rather than antagonistic way... our interests haven't very often coincided." Unless Marks' guard was down? That too was confusing. Mixed signals.
"I want to have some modicum of understanding in day to day terms, yes," he managed to summarize finally, "But not... romantically, not by any standards - that's never done anything to simplify matters and I don't really..." the frown turned rueful and almost wry, and though hidden behind the wall his tone carried it through, "I know Marks. Very not interested in that sort of relationship with him." But if it was the only way to reach that peace in understanding, what would he give to find it? Not that - it couldn't be understanding if it wasn't love...
"That's... those two things, that I know him and that I know he doesn't like me... that's why it was distressing, I think," he trailed off for a moment, frown turning more serious with a touch of the contemplative still clinging, "I've known generally what to expect out of him since we shared headspace - even if I haven't liked what I know he's going to do - and..." he was not going to mumble. Not going to mumble. He was an adult and could handle this sort of thing. "I really didn't expect him to kiss me." A very sudden break after - ah, how strange it felt even to articulate. And still now, unable to conjure a reason for it...
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 5:27 pm
It was simple enough to say that Miika had been listening and analyzing every last word and its meaning, until the word kiss showed up. Wait, hold up-- did he say that Marks kissed him. That filthy demon kissed his bird? Clenching his teeth together as his jaw tightened, he slowly reached up a hand and turned the water off, the sound of spraying water ending rather abruptly.
Reaching out towards the counter, he grabbed his towel and began to dry off at a slow pace, still inside the shower, trying to calm himself down. The more he tried to calm himself, the more his jaw tightened and his teeth grinded against one another. If that demon ever laid his hands on him aga-- no, next time he would stay by Alex's side, he wouldn't leave the room.
Perhaps Marks kiss was not out of feelings, but to torture Alex and further complicate their-- whatever they had-- more than it already was. Growling softly to himself, he continued to dry himself off, very sluggishly. Trying to take his time to calm down. Deep breaths wouldn't work. Excuses wouldn't work. Just the fact that the other demon dared to do something like that was enough to piss him off... but for him to have touched Alex, now that just pissed his demonic side off.
Marks may had had first claim, since they had apparently shared headspace, but Alex had found Miika.. and had chosen him. Now, perhaps Marks was just cruel enough to bounce from torturing Alex to thinking Miika would make a better toy to play with, considering his demon hadn't reacted well to their meeting of the first time...
Shaking his head he slowly dried off his hair and then shook his head, flinging the excess water onto the walls and shower curtain, before wrapping the towel loosely around his waist, allowing it to slide down just below his hips. Sighing softly, he got out and ran his fingers lightly through his hair, mainly tussling it, although that came out to look rather adorable... not like he was really trying to look like anything but calm at this moment.
Stepping out he looked down at Alex and knelt down infront of him. Golden eyes searching those gray orbs, he gave a soft sigh as he shook his head. He knew what he was going to do. "Was it..." good? no, that wasn't what he planned to ask in the least, "... anything like this, Alex?" He asked softly before gently placing a hand on the bird's cheek, leaning in to very tenderly set his lips against the soft lips of the bird. He would let Alex end the kiss and answer the question... yes... he would leave the up to the bird. Eyes slipping shut, he gently moved his lips against Alex's once or twice.
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:22 pm
Silence could be deafening, apparently - but he'd... known that, on some level. Vague recollection and so forth. He couldn't remember when it'd been so heavy. Not quite suffocating, perhaps, but some part of him wondered whether breathing would ever be anything but challenged ever again, if the heart might eventually cease to pound, if when those things calmed the aftermath might be worse... might be a sudden stop, an end to all things--not in terms of morbidity either, just an... end. An end unwanted.
Keep a tether on yourself - keep breathing, come back to breathing like it means nothing at all, pretend you remember how to do it, that you've done it all your life... But he couldn't. Something was caught, hanging in the balance, and he was terrified he might know what it was - because in that knowing, it became so much more precious and dangerous.
It hadn't been that much - hadn't... now that he could stand back and think about it, he was--it was all right, nothing - it wasn't a problem anymore, and Miika - Miika... he didn't know what to think now. Wouldn't dare presume things he didn't know for certain, not in a case like this, when ever little thing kept on meaning more than he'd thought it would.
Droplets of water, glimpsed against the far wall - a sound he'd take now to bring himself back. Mundane, trails of moisture running down flat expanse because things were simple as a shower and a talk and then whatever followed--whatever followed...
He didn't tense, as he'd feared he might when Miika finally emerged, felt only something twinge and a mild ache begin somewhere in his chest. There was something sheerly... no, too many things at once to be embodied in a single word. To see Miika at all was to bring things home in a way drops of water never could, to see him... not frowning, though not smiling... that was typical, perhaps, but now... there was something about it that was almost defenseless - not weak, necessarily, but absent of things he'd feared.
Breathing eased out, strangely, when he felt now familiar fingers on his cheek - hadn't it frozen before? - and he would never be sure if he wouldn't have moved in first if Miika hadn't...
No... it hadn't been anything like this. Still light, perhaps, possibly brief - he wasn't sure he wanted to pull away - but this was sweet, tender, and it hadn't been a surprise. Well... in some ways, perhaps - but in those ways it was a pleasant one and frankly didn't leave him with the desire to break and flee. No, this was something...
Time was a nonentity - but that breathing thing. He might want to keep an eye on it. Alex broke the kiss softly, head bowing ever so slightly and forward as he stayed close, breathing... just breathing... sharing that breath... "Not at all," he breathed further, glancing up to meet the golden gaze with a small, perplexed upward curve of lips. Another breath, just revelling in closeness, in what felt to be resolution of some sort - "I rather liked that," he explained in such a way that it was hard to tell whether or not he intended it to be a joke, regardless of whether it was true.
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:42 pm
Slowly a smile shaped his lips as he gazed into the bird's eyes, shaking his head very softly. Gently, his thumb stroked his cheek before he stood up and walked over towards another chair. Reaching down, he picked Alex's clothes that Angellus had cleaned and dropped off to Andie.
Walking back over, he knelt down infront of Alex and tilted his head to the side lightly as he gently set the fresh clothes onto the bird's lap. Gently running fingers through the robin's hair, he held that same smile as he gazed into his eyes.
"Then there is nothing for you to worry about, Alex. It was more than likely a kiss to throw you off guard, to make you have second guesses and doubts... just as seeing how he interacted with you made me do the same thing. I am sorry for behaving the way I did and leaving you alone with him. Next time I'd rather get beaten than leave you alone with him."
Leaning forward, he gently placed a kiss on the boy's forehead before standing up, walking back over to the chair to pick up a note folded up. Opening it, he sat down and began to read it, a smirk spreading over his lips as he shook his head and laughed softly, although it was slightly empty.
"What good news. Mikkael found himself a mortal lover, and now has no interest in us, and although Maybe still has high interest in us, he's dealing with vampiric affairs that he simply can't get away from." Miika thought for a few moments before looking over towards Alex with a nod.
"That gives us a lot more time to relax. That means, if you want, you can go and visit your friends... but you won't be going alone," He added softly, implying that he would be there as well... simply to make sure nobody tried to kiss his bird. Either that or to kiss Alex passionately infront of Marks, but... that would be more or less childish, and he wasn't going to behave like a child.
"Now, I only need to get one thing clear: Just because we have more time, doesn't change the fact that I am falling for you," He said, slightly playfully, but also honestly. Setting the note down, he rubbed his forehead and tried to relax. That was good news, after all.
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 7:19 pm
Something flickered in the back of his mind, a memory and caution that the last time this had happened... he'd very specifically asked for it to end - in certain respects. The phrasing... he wouldn't be so apt to use at this age, but it'd gotten the point across quite well. 'Can we not ******** this up with sex?' After a kiss. That had been... the fear. That anything more than a kiss would break what there could be. But that fear had given way to something else this time around, that else being a distinct desire to adopt Kingsley's tendency to shout expletives at fate and jump headlong into...
All right. No. That was a little silly. The everpresent, instinctual caution kept him from much more than the occasional smile, from doing anything but revelling inwardly about closeness and sensation, joy in implication. So still the inherent fear of solidification, but... no need to direct that solidification in the opposite direction either - in fact a surprising amount of adversity to such.
He could remember being close, but he couldn't remember ever wanting closeness, like now - like the way words almost melted into air and neglect, though he forced himself to pay attention past a touch and a look - he supposed... it made sense. Marks would like nothing better than to keep him from understanding him, if precedent was any proof, and... it had certainly worked. And would explain why he hadn't understood it himself - given that just as he knew Marks, Marks knew him... But now... now there was Miika. And things had changed, but... perhaps not as much as he'd feared in some areas.
Sighing lightly at the kiss, more a happy breath guided by relief than anything else. Standing then he picked at his clothes, ultimately deciding not to change back into them - nothing much had happened in the borrowed ones he now wore, but--well, there wasn't really a good reason not to change back. But there wasn't a good reason to do it either.
A glance and whiff of amusement tinged with sheer pleasure riding through it - things were evening out? In a way he couldn't help but revel in. There was no reason... to fear, now... to have anxiety over a touch, to with hold from what had now been clearly defined as... all right, in the loosest sense. Desired in a more acute one. Going back, without the haunt of misunderstanding or giving in or other such... it would be lovely. Thoroughly lovely. Maybe a little like meeting the in-laws, a part of his mind quipped - oh dear.
Holding the clothes to his chest lightly, the bird moved forward to stand just to the side of the chair, and leaned down to plant a kiss of his own so briefly to Miika's cheek that it was almost just a brush of lips to skin, "More time to be not alone?" he murmured in mild amusement, "I don't think I'm objecting." Then a slight frown as he drew back, head tilting to the side as he searched Miika's expression, "Do... you want to, though? Leave? I... can call them, after all..." Because news at this point would be... safe to distribute. Before it'd been a matter of knowing communication with Kingsley especially would leave too many awkward questions and lead to certain... endangerment of some sort. But now it wouldn't be nearly so hard to tell the truth.
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Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 3:37 pm
Leave? no, that was something he didn't want to do. That would be spending more time with others around, and less time with Alex.. but at the same time, he couldn't help feeling that maybe if they got out and into an environment that the other was more familiar with, things might happen. What things he had no clue.. just things.
This was... overly silly of him. Just what else was there to do with Alex that did not involve ruining this... this relationship they had without sex. His demon had been sexual enough, and the kisses he had given Alex were getting familiar, it was almost an instant thing to do.. Civilization might do them both some good.. but he had a feeling that if they did do anything, he still would not leave Alex alone, and he would sure as hell not let anything so trivial ruin what they had.
"Spend more time not being alone with you... leave? No, those are a few things that I don't wish to do, but..." Trailing off, he gently reached up to pluck at the shirt-- his shirt-- that Alex was still wearing, "... hm. Perhaps you should call and check in... and then we can decide what to do?" Miika asked softly before he set his hand back down on the chair to stop plucking at the shirt.
Thinking a bit more on it for a few moments, he shook his head. He was being utterly selfish, and completely silly. Honestly, what else was there for him and Alex to do alone? He didn't want his demon-- or himself for that matter-- to get too familiar with Alex in the bed, since they would more than likely end up sharing the bed again... and yet again, at the very same time, he did. Shaking his head again, he tried to push those thoughts away.
"I wouldn't want anything unwanted happening between us to ruin anything," Miika started softly once more, "... even if it is more wanted than not. Do you.. know what I am getting at?" He asked softly as he put his palm to his lips and rested his elbow on the arm of the chair, trying to stay as composed as possible, though he was mainly speaking of his own personal issues.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:07 pm
With a certain unpracticed grace, movements that echoed a dancer's fluid precision without embodying them to the point of actual dance, he knelt to sit beside the arm of the couch, smiling in the mild amusement that colored the ease and character of contact. A pluck of cloth, a brush of cheek. Simplistic, sweet.
But... Caution... yes, that resounded with familiar clarity. Don't touch, don't talk, most of all don't assume.
And a reflection? In a manner of speaking. Repetition? - no, not quite. A matter of... recognition. "Rather intimately, I think," the bird answered the last question with a rueful sort of reverie - strange... it almost felt as though they finished each other's thoughts - or at least that Miika could find and address his. Not... alien, perhaps, nor unprecedented in general... but hereto unknown in present company. Though perhaps not an unwelcome concept. It was... in many ways easier to communicate without fumbling through words, even if they granted especial power to concepts through proper execution.
Calling, he thought, carefully extracting his phone from the clothes and peering at it contemplatively for a moment. Yes. That would do - to test waters, weigh and counterweigh decisions. Though he knew reunion to be inevitable, and closer rather than further the moment he reached Kingsley. Perhaps contact to the Townhouse's phone, rather than his friend's personal one, then. To allow for... the extension of options, of staying or going - because although at first the idea had resounded with such loveliness, time and consideration shadowed it with the admittance that impermanence meant that every moment, even the best, didn't last.
With a whiff of breath the bird dialed. Ah well. Sealing one's fate had never felt so mundane.
Fate was decidedly sealed. For it was still Cody who managed to pick up the phone, despite all effort Alex made to call him... er... later. "We don't have caller ID," he snarled into the receiver, "Just so you know why I haven't hung up on you yet. Speak."
That wasn't the happy voice. Then again, when was the last time he'd heard Kingsley's happy voice? Well... every once in a while, sure. But not... for prolonged periods of time or sustainable reasons. It was still a little disappointing to hear the less... er... productive side of things so evident in his friend's voice. "Hi, Kingsley," two words - they'd sent off avalanches before - maybe he really should try to keep in better contact with him...
The silence that followed was brief, but heavy. The subsequent explosion was also surprisingly well contained, to the point where Alex realized he was only hearing the eventuality of it - and that in all likelihood the real crazy would begin after he'd gotten off the phone. "Hello, Alex," voice tight and taut, about to snap, "I'm going to be royally peeved if this is a- your one call from jail or b- my notice for ransom."
"Oh, well, I'm okay then," Alex assured cheerily, glancing briefly up towards Miika, smile almost secretive in its small curve of confidence.
"Nooo," Cody disagreed almost immediately, "No, you're really not okay, Alex. Not until you get your butt back here--I don't wanna hear it, either - no story, no excuses, not unless I can hear them face to face." Sudden stop and realization. "You're physically capable of getting here, right? Or do I get to come gallivanting to the rescue so as to drag you back?"
Ah ha. One of those moods... "I'm okay," he insisted, keeping his tone light and amused - wouldn't do for anything resembling worry to creep in just now, not when Kingsley would take the least slip for reason to go charging off to be... himself in a bad way. "Really, I am - just got a little tied up."
"That better not've been literally," back to snarling, though perhaps not so cruelly as at first, when he'd presumed the other to be a telemarketer or some other Great Evil. Then, a little more controlled and lower than before, "Heard something about some apoplectic demon, kiddie - what nest did you trip into?"
Ah....... Was that how Peregrine had put it? ......distressing. Mouth drawn into a frown, his tone communicating it quite well in soft and mild warning tones, "I'm fine," the enunciation firm and decisive now.
"Gotta see it to believe it, kiddie," Cody insisted back, not willing to give any ground when he'd been so genuinely freaked out for the past few days. Not to mention some of the s**t he'd managed to run into in the mean time...
There was a contrary part to his soul that wondered whether it would be better just to make Kingsley wait. But another part... advised quite vehemently against. If his friend had already begun down the downward spiral he had, he wasn't going to pick himself back up by stressing further - stressing needlessly. He really was fine, after all - more than that in some ways. Just... it was difficult. Kingsley was difficult.
"I'll call," he said then, a brief farewell and not even quite that. He didn't really feel the liberty to make certain assurances. Hanging up without much more of a pause, Alex frowned slightly at the phone before looking back towards Miika with a mildly apologetic expression dominated more by... something akin to exasperation, but of the more disappointed than frustrated variety. "I think Kingsley's a little peeved," he sighed slightly, pursing his lips at the phone again, "It... might be a good idea to drop in..."
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Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 11:31 pm
Standing up with a very, very light sigh, he ran a hand through his hair in a slightly nervous action. "Oh, I'm sure they'll just adore me," He stated gruffly with a hint-- no, a whole bucket-full of sarcasm. Well, he certainly had a gut feeling that things were going to go sour when it came down to him meeting Alex's friends, or whatever a majority of them were.
"I'm not everyone's first pick of the litter, you know. I just have.. a feeling.. that they're going to be less than thrilled that you have disappeared due to me," He said quietly, in the same gruff tone he had used before. Sighing a bit more heavily than the first time, he put a hand into his pocket and rubbed teh back of his neck.
A pain worked it's way from his neck to the shoulder blade nearest to what was once his wing. Giving off another sigh, he closed his eyes and moved his hand from the back of his neck to his shoulder in an attempt to reach back, as far as he could, and rub the pained area. Grumbling to himself, he closed his eyes and bit his lower lip.
He had to... stay calm, first of all... and second of all.. Well, ******** 'em. If they didn't like him, ******** 'em. They would just have to live with the fact that they didn't like Alex's... The thought trailed off. What exactly were he and Alex? he loved the bird, or at least he was falling in love with him, that was definate.. but.. were they merely together but not in the sense that boyfriends and lovers were together?
Growing a light head ache at the sudden thinking in the most negative manners, he rubbed his temples lightly. Great, it seemed that he was, indeed, falling apart. Everything seemed to be aching in pain, and these doubting thoughts weren't helping any. Once more, he closed his eyes, closed out the rest of the world and reality. Resting on a blank page, or that was how he would describe it, he let out a small sigh.
Opening his eyes, he focused on Alex and a small, tender smile set out across his lips. He could block out the rest of reality and the world, but not Alex. The robin was the one person he couldn't-- no, wouldn't-- block out. Putting both is hands in his pockets, he turned and glanced towards the door before looking back towards Alex. "Then we best get going, huh?"
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Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:12 pm
Oh bother... There had been a reason he'd not wanted it to be Kingsley who answered the phone... For all he appreciated and loved his friend, Kingsley... had places to go. Literally, figuratively - mentally, primarily. And he didn't look to be going there any time soon, not without a proper shove - one which Alex remained reluctant to give for reasons he found increasingly few in number as days and circumstances led to accentuation and aggravation of Kingsley's... problem... and the things it spilled over to. He didn't... didn't begrudge the 'unicorn'... much of anything, really. But wallowing... was simply wrong.
Besides the fact that, well, the collateral damage... If Kingsley's failure to move on cost him--cost him what? Miika... he didn't want this to go badly, didn't want for there to be conflict - though given Kingsley's current more volatile state of mind that was surely an inevitability. What could he salvage of his desires given that fact? That... the root of what he wanted here was for Miika to be... all right, in some way - because Kingsley certainly wasn't the concern, not if he was the instigator. All right, that made him quite a bit of a concern. But in a different way. And...
And it wasn't a matter of measuring affection, just... necessity. But what had happened already, without control or perspective? The exchange over the phone couldn't have sounded positive - given the silence of the room, their physical proximity and the volume of Kingsley's Angry Voice... oh bother.
Following his demon's slightly pained, aching movements, the attempts to reach and... the bird stood and traced where Miika's hand had been with his own fingers to end, resting lightly first on the shoulder blade, just below and near to the neck, frown tugging at his lips at memory of the bandage - that likely needed changing. ...Come to think of it, possibly a way to create some sort of bonding session between Miika and Kingsley. Not so much a challenge and share of scars as the mending of them? Who knew? But one could always do with some hope.
Hand resting there, somewhere between neck and shoulder and the bone beneath that extended to now shattered wing, the bird let the frown fade to a mild smile, determined to make something positive now, something worthy and progressive. Oliver would've been proud.
Ah, Oliver. Now that was an encounter he didn't fear nearly so much. And thus the tendency not to think nearly so much on it. But in any case... "Eventually, yes," he agreed - though by it he did mean more of the 'about at this moment'. Even though... a delay wouldn't really bother him that much. Kingsley wasn't going to get any easier to deal with surely, but he was just his friend. There were worse things. Things he wasn't going to bother dwelling on. This... this now was all right - better than in some ways. It was going to be all right.
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