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 Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2004 8:03 pm
The walls they build so high
will crush them in the end
The walls they build so high
keep letting the world in
The walls they build so high
are piled on a crumbling base
The walls they build so high
are meant to keep out all the past
The walls they build so high
are meant to hide the parade,
The parade of masks filing by
walking, running, trying to find
exactly what they need
to make it
in this little
world
while keeping it at bay
with the walls they build so high
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Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2004 6:27 am
I'm just looking for any CCing or comments or anything you want. I'm open. It's just a poem I wrote one day during class...
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Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2004 1:04 pm
I liked it. And I like ur use of repetition and line breakage biggrin
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Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 3:30 am
You do so much CCing around here I felt obligated to take a look at what you wrote. Unfortunately I'm not much of a poetry critic. I will say that while I didn't mind the general repitition of the "walls they build so high", I did feel that Quote: are meant to hide the parade, The parade of masks filing by - with the words "parade" used twice didn't feel too right. Would it work with "are meant to hide the parade, The legion of masks filing by"? (Post some prose, I'll be more useful... sweatdrop )
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Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 7:19 am
Well I am a fan of poems that do not have the same line over. I am not going to post an example of my poems because they are long, and extremely good. sweatdrop (I have them copyrighted for my safety) Ok, so my poems need work. Get over it >.> I am not going to all hard on you, but next time try something without a repeat scheme and maybe something more imaginative. Not to mention those four lines you could of made one, you should attempt to fix that. The wording is ok I guess, sometimes I seem to repeat the same word in the line under it though I attempt not to. Otherwise that was a good poem, good work >.>
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Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 8:36 pm
meanwhile You do so much CCing around here I felt obligated to take a look at what you wrote. Unfortunately I'm not much of a poetry critic. I will say that while I didn't mind the general repitition of the "walls they build so high", I did feel that Quote: are meant to hide the parade, The parade of masks filing by - with the words "parade" used twice didn't feel too right. Would it work with "are meant to hide the parade, The legion of masks filing by"? (Post some prose, I'll be more useful... sweatdrop )
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Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 8:39 pm
Katsune_Omote Well I am a fan of poems that do not have the same line over. I am not going to post an example of my poems because they are long, and extremely good. sweatdrop (I have them copyrighted for my safety) Ok, so my poems need work. Get over it >.> I am not going to all hard on you, but next time try something without a repeat scheme and maybe something more imaginative. Not to mention those four lines you could of made one, you should attempt to fix that. The wording is ok I guess, sometimes I seem to repeat the same word in the line under it though I attempt not to. Otherwise that was a good poem, good work >.>
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Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 10:05 pm
Post some prose, I normally read even long ones if I feel they're worth it (although other people might not). If you do post long peices, it might be worth just posting, at least for the first post, just a small section, that way people will check out your work without being scared off, and later you can post the rest of it.
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Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2004 6:36 am
meanwhile Post some prose, I normally read even long ones if I feel they're worth it (although other people might not). If you do post long peices, it might be worth just posting, at least for the first post, just a small section, that way people will check out your work without being scared off, and later you can post the rest of it.
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