Welcome to Gaia! ::

So last night, my SIL (college-age, no children) picked an argument, in front of our son, with her brother (Lucien's Daddy), about how we're potty-training him. I can rant at length about the ridiculousness of telling the parents of a 3-year-old "You're potty-training him too early, and you know it", and I can rant at length about the arrogance of a childless person who still lives with her own parents assuming that she has the right to expect her opinions to have adult weight, but those are side issues.

What bothers me most about this entire incident (and this is the third time she's tried it, always with a different child-rearing issue) is that I was raised with the explicit *and* implicit teaching that it is the height of rudeness to criticize a parent's parenting in front of their child. I firmly believe that, unless there is some serious abuse in progress, any disagreements about parenting style are to be kept to oneself or else, at most, expressed mildly in a one-on-one adult setting. To do otherwise undermines the parents' authority and implies to the child that perhaps their parents' power to set rules and punishments is not only not absolute, but up for debate.

Since I haven't run across this problem with anyone else in either of our families, I'm a bit at a loss as to how to handle the situation. I don't exactly see the SIL without my son present, and she makes a habit of not answering her cell phone or email - not just to me, but to everyone, she's gotten in serious trouble at home for it.

I'd appreciate advice from anyone here, as well as similar stories - am I being hyper-sensitive? Is this kind of behavior considered okay in other families? Has anyone else had this kind of thing happen? How did you handle it?

For every person there will be an opinion. Some closer to others, some farther. Most of us were raised with the ability to be discerning about when the proper time to address differences could and should be done.I notice however, that espceially when there is a sibling or close friend/acquaintance rivalry, The timing for another will not be as important as the person views his/her own time and wisdom. It is as if all that learning to listen to another and allow their opinions to be heard was never taught = or at least not very well. The other person also seems to be making a "I'm better" type of move to establish his/her heirarchy in the pack. Remain calm and do not escalate. Maybe even making it a joke to lessen the impact where appropriate? Just remember to be the firm, loving, caring, nuturing person and the little ones will sense who really cares and has their best interest at heart. It never hurts to sit down latter and see if there is any part of her/his imput that might help - all, some, or none.

So far, my plan is to send my husband up alone this week while Lu and I stay home, so that he has the opportunity to talk to her in a non-confrontational manner about what's going on. He keeps saying he thinks it's his mom instigating her daughter to say something so she herself doesn't look like a troll (which is a common tactic for her). His youngest sister heard the other sister getting loud, came in, and stood there with her jaw dropped, so there's always the possibility that she's already said something. But I agree, it's Daddy's responsibility to explain things. And, of course, the sooner the better. I expect enough bad blood from his family over the new baby and our holiday schedule. As things stand, if this is not successfully resolved, I fully intend to be "too busy" to visit for quite some time. That's the only thing that worked on the in-laws the last time there was a problem, if only because the adults are very good at playing "I don't know what you're talking about".

The whole thing turned out okay. I felt like poo the day we usually go up, so it turns out my intention to be "not feeling well enough" to go with hubby was quasi-prophetic. Laren talked with his sister alone, so she wouldn't feel put on the spot. Apparently she was so horrified by my son throwing a tantrum (he hates being caught when he wets his pants, and he hates apologizing for things, like peeing on someone's couch) that she thought something was seriously wrong and just started randomly defending him with anything her fazed brain could latch onto. She apologized, and I think even admitted she had been rather silly. In other words, her complete lack of experience with raising kids caused her to panic and further highlight her complete lack of experience. I remember my son's first tantrum, and I remember thinking he had something serious and intestinal wrong with him, so I can identify. He doesn't throw them often, thank goodness. That's why she'd never seen one before.

I guess now from experience I can firmly recommend asking, "Now what was all that about last week?" versus "What the hell is your problem?" And, of course, I still can't wait until her own child poops on her sofa, throws a fit, and refuses to apologize. whee

As corollary advice for you Amanda, I vote keep in mind that you'll probably still be seeing your family for holidays, and express your displeasure with their attitude with that in mind. And, as I said earlier, if they're really good at playing "I don't know what you're talking about", then just stop visiting them for a while - only see them in public places, or at your house. People are less likely to be vocally critical of you when they're on your turf. Not to mention, you can ask them to leave if they are.

Yeah, my first was a wee peanut as well - he was 5lb9oz at birth. He's almost *always* somewhere between the 10%-15% part of the curve. Fortunately, the in-laws - the ones most likely to be critical in my case - are the weeny side of the family, so they all thought he was fine. Mostly these days they stick to the occasional harangue about, "but how is he getting enough calcium?" [he's lactose intolerant] I tried patiently going over it with them the first few times, but that seems to go in one ear and out the other, so these days I simply assure them he's getting plenty, and no, he cannot have a pudding bar or whatever. Someday, they may stop trying to feed him things that make him gassy and stinky. Fortunately he's a good sport. And that is why I bake him things at home.

The dread potty confrontation seems to have simply been a one-time brain fart on the part of the younger generation. I think I had trouble getting my mind around it simply because the in-laws' usual approach is so passive-aggressive. Direct aggression was just not something I expected, especially not from the habitual mediator of the family.

No, they don't actually feed them to him. They just wander around eating the stuff themselves, then ask if he can have some. Usually in front of him. stressed And last time I went up, somebody had clipped out some random article about how dairy products are important for lactose-intolerant children, and it was sitting with some other stuff in the kitchen. rolleyes Nobody brought it up, so whatever.

No no, on the diet thing they're horrible inconsiderate, but they don't try to violate what we say. You know, where we go up for dinner once a week, and usually dessert is something creamy, yet for some stupid reason they keep asking if we want any. I was allergic to dairy when I met them, their son is now lactose intolerant (I did warn him, but on the other hand he's lost a fair amount of weight, so he's happy), and their grandson has always been lactose intolerant, though recently he stopped having a soy sensitivity (YAY!). I dunno why they still think having a sheetcake to celebrate the grandson's birthday is a good idea. "Happy Birthday, thanks for blowing out the candles, now we'll all eat your cake while you watch." But if they want to be remembered as the grandparents who always took care of themselves first - well, that's their lookout. I just started always bringing up our own snacks and cookies for dessert.

Important Note: my son gets vitamins with calcium in, an extra vitamin that's mostly just calcium from greens (easily absorbed), and loves drinking calcium-enriched rice milk. He also loves edamame (now that he can have them), thinks tofu is fun to eat (ditto), and eats at least some of his greens every time. I think even the American Dairy Council would have a hard time arguing that he's not getting what he needs.

Then again, maybe this is all some grudgy payback on their part because whenever they go to my house I have unaccountably not stocked up on dairy and alcohol, their two favorite food groups. rolleyes

It's like I said before, they are veteran line-dancers and extremely good at "I don't know what you're talking about." They'll tap-dance right along the line of acceptable and not, and it never occurs to them that it makes them look either really stupid or really mean.

But that's okay. Their favorite daughter is married, so once she has a kid, our kids will be inconsequential anyway. stare I sincerely hope her first child is born with galacticemia (REALLY bad sensitivity to dairy, enough that mama has to stop having any, or else switch to soy formula, or risk permanent brain damage to the baby). Nothing against unborn children or anything, but I think they could all use an object lesson in giving a s**t when somebody else has a legitimate dietary issue. And I could talk to them all day long without making half as much of an impression myself. I think they secretly think I'm making it all up anyway.

Well, see, for now they hold at least some favor because they have a cat, a dog, the two favorite aunts (and their also-favorite boyfriends), and Spongebob Squarepants DVDs at their house. He likes these things, therefore he likes visiting. I suspect things will change dramatically once the aunts move out, since they seem to be the primary draw. As my son grows older and develops perspective, I also expect he'll view them a bit differently. I'd personally prefer that he have an actual relationship with them, but...*sigh*...I can't exactly make my in-laws behave nicely. It's their call whether or not they want to act like real grandparents - and they keep maintaining they're just too young for that sort of thing. rolleyes

I remember having lousy grandparents myself, and it isn't much fun. I mean, blanking out and drooling at a TV screen for hours on end has some appeal, but it doesn't exactly make for fond memories.

On the other hand, he demands random visits to my mom all the time, because she plays with him outside, cuddles with him, tells him he's wonderful, feeds him all sorts of good stuff (she has grandchildren with sensitivities to dairy, soy, and eggs, so she tries to have goodies with none of the offending ingredients on hand at all times)...it didn't even matter that, for the longest time, she had no cathode ray of any kind (my husband's helping her hook up a DVD player and TV this evening - she's tired of not having a clue what movies her grandkids are talking about).