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Finbar_Naros

PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2006 6:55 pm


alright so im gonna post my story, and it has a name that i dont like(well i kinda do) but if u can get a better one out of my story please. BTW i have a friend that reads my stories but my printer isnt working so i cant print it off for her at the moment. AND i did print her off a copy but what you will be reading is ahead of what she is reading so your getting a sneak peak kinda... sorry for rambling here it is....


Midsummer Ninja's Dream
By: Finbar Naros
Grade Nine/Ten
Note: I have taken the characters and in some cases modified their personalities to my own writing needs.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.


Chapter 1

Team 7 had just gotten off from a day filled with unvarying D rank missions.
"So Sasuke, want to go get Ramen?" A tired Naruto asked.
"With you?" Sasuke answered looking at Naruto like he was a slug, "Meh sure." Naruto and Sasuke walked through Konoha to the Ramen Shop. They slid into their seats and both ordered Miso ramen.
"Ewww I think I stepped in some dogs crap!" Naruto yelled, looking at the bottom of his sandals.
"Meh at least that h I’ve of bees didn’t sting you, damn that hurt, good Thing Sakura had some of Hinata's medical jelly." When it caem time to pay, Naruto opened his green frog wallet and intended to grab some money to pay for the Ramen. Although when he reached in he got nothing but air.
"GYAHH! I knew I shouldn’t have bet all my money last night," Naruto said sadly.
"Didn’t you remember? Ino can read minds." Sasuke said sighing in disbelief, " I guess ill have to pay." Sasuke handed over a wad of money and walked out of the restaurant with Naruto. They started walking down the street, to Sasuke's house.
" You know, you don’t have to walk me home," Sasuke pointed out.
"Yea I know but my house is down this way,"Naruto lied.
"Right... Okay," Sasuke replied, unsure if Naruto was telling the truth. After a few moments they came to the front gate of Sasuke’s house. Sasuke opened the front gate and said, " You can leave now." As Sasuke turned to enter his yard, Naruto leaned in and pecked him on the cheek.
"Did you just kiss me?" Sasuke asked bewildered.
"N..N...No, I tripped on a rock, see," Naruto said, pointing to a rock on the ground.
"Right, you treat me to Ramen, which I had to pay for, you walk me home, and now your kissing me, claiming to trip." Sasuke pointed out, "there is only one Thing I have to say 'bout that."
"Erm... what’s that?" Naruto said, not wanting to inflict the wrath of the Ice Prince.
" Thanks," Sasuke said with warmth in his voice, as he leaned over and pecked Naruto on the cheek, "Sorry, damn rocks." Sasuke strode across his garden path and opened his door, as Naruto stood there shocked at what Sasuke had just did. Naruto picked up the rock that they had 'tripped' over, pocketed it, and walked home.

Chapter 2

"Hey, Naruto what’s that around your neck," Sakura asked, pointing to the leather cord around Naruto's neck.
"O, it’s a rock, I put a hole in it with an earth jutsu," Naruto said, holding the nights previous rock out on its new leather cord," I can make you one if you like?"
"Nah its fine," The pink haired Sakura said,"Want to go get our paychecks for yesterdays missions?"
"Yeah sure," Naruto said thinking of last night, "I have to pay Sasuke back because he paid for my Ramen yesterday anyways."
"Speaking of Sasuke," Sakura replied, thinking of something disturbing she saw last night, "Why were you and he kissing?" Naruto almost choked on air when he heard that Sakura saw them last night.
"We tripped that’s all." Naruto said.
"Right..okay sensible enough," Sakura said in thought.
"Hey Naruto, you and Sasuke wanna play tonight?" Ino asked running up to the yellow haired boy and ignoring Sakura.
"Yeah sure, I was just going to get my money now," Naruto said, with big plans in his head.
"HEY! Why can I not come?" Sakura said not wanting to Be left out.
"You know how to play Poker Sakura?" Ino asked surprised that Sakura knew anything aside from Sasuke's daily bathing schedule.
"Ummm yeah Lee taught me," Sakura answered,"I also know where he keeps his Sake." She said that because she just wanted to Be liked.
"Sweet well Naruto, you show Sakura where to go and tell Sasuke to come also, "Ino ran off back in the direction of her families' Flower Shop. Sakura and Naruto continued their walk to the Hokage's Office talking about Poker and How Sakura new all these things about Lee. They finally reached City hall and retrieved their paychecks. They said good-bye to each other and parted in different directions. As Naruto was walking home he saw Sasuke with groceries.
"Hey Sasuke!" Naruto yelled running over to Sasuke. This time Naruto really did trip, crashing into Sasuke his groceries went everywhere.
"Baka-yaro!" Sasuke yelled as he started picking up cans of food.
"Oops... Sorry," Naruto said backing off a little incase Sasuke exploded, "Um hey Want to come play Poker tonight? Sakura is coming." Sasuke could care less about Sakura, but the thought of winning money won him over. "And she is bringing Sake." When Sasuke heard that his head started to whirr with thoughts on How to embarrass Naruto.
"Aha only one last can!" Naruto exclaimed, wanting to Be the one who got the last can and not Sasuke. Both boys reached for the last can, bot touched the can at the same time, and each other's hands. Naruto sat dumbfounded and savouring the touch he was getting from Sasuke. Sasuke layed there with a look of shock, also enjoying the feeling except he couldn’t let Naruto know that. He grabbed the can and ran off down the street with his dented groceries.

Chapter 3

"Sakura! It's time to go!" Naruto yelled up towards Sakura's window.
"Hey Naruto! Be right down!" She yelled back. Naruto sat down on the ground and waited for Sakura. A few moments after Naruto sat down Sakura came out in a brown top covered by a brown jacket, and blue jeans.
" You know, Sasuke won't Be there," Naruto said, playing a joke.
"Right," Sakura said shocked," I better go change then." Sakura turned around and headed back inside when Naruto told her he was kidding, and told her she looked great. Blushing Sakura said Naruto looked pretty great to, in his yellow muscle shirt/ hoodie, his black sandals with wrapped up leggings, and his black shorts and spikey arm band.
"He he just wait till you see what Sasuke wears." Naruto said, trying to imagine the look on Sakura's face when she sees. Throughout their walk, Sakura kept asking How he dressed like, but Naruto would just not tell her. Finally they reached Ino's house, Naruto knocked on the door and Ino immediately opened the door.
"Finally you two are here," Ino said, taking the Sake from Sakura and leading them to a dimly lit room. In the center of the room was a large table and around it chairs with various people in them: Shikamaru, Chouji, Shino, and even Hinata just to name a few of the rookies. In the biggest chair was Sasuke, all laid back. Sakura gasped when she saw Sasuke. Mainly because all he was wearing was an opened jacket revealing his Abdomen, pants, and shoes.
"Can we get started?" Sasuke asked in a sigh.
"Yes lets," Kiba said, as Ino re-entered the room with glasses filled to the rim with Sake. After a bountiful amount of rounds, with Naruto broke and Sasuke rich, and everyone else in the middle, people started getting crazy. At one point Hinata, who was wearing less then she usually did and Kiba eyeing her lustfully, jumped across the table, ran over to Naruto and started confessing her love for him. After that ordeal, everyone started pairing off in teams to play. Sakura got stuck with Chouji. Naruto and Sasuke who had been using hand signals to communicate throughout the game, exchanged glances, nodded, and then stood up. Naruto used Sexy no Jutsu and started dancing on the table while Sasuke stole the game money. They exchanged another set of glances and ran out of the room with everyone's money. Both boys ran for about a block so they were clear from Ino's house.
"I hate you," Naruto said, as he took his money back, out of the pot.
"Yeah, I hate you to. Good Thing Sakura brought that Sake though." Sasuke said, " I guess she's not useless after all. Want a drink?"
"I thought all the Sake was at Ino's house," Naruto stated, confused.
"It was, but I grabbed this as I left." Sasuke said, pulling a bottle of Sake out of his jacket's pocket. Sasuke pulled of the top and started drinking. He offered it to Naruto who took it reluctantly, he took a big gulp.
"Eww Sasuke germs, AHH! I think I might Be mutating into another Ice Prince." Naruto said as he fell to the ground as started moaning.
"Get up idiot. Lets go to my house no one will look for us there." Sasuke said, as he helped Naruto off the ground. On the walk, and stumbles, to Sasuke's house they talked about How that Poker turned more into a dating service.
"Aww I think I got scratch marks on my chest, Ino is like a ******** cat," Sasuke said rubbing his chest.
"Yeah hehe, Hinata has some interesting stuff in her pockets though." Naruto said holding out his hand. In it were : A pack of condoms (to bad she doesn’t have them now hehe), some medical jelly , some feminine crap, and more money. They made it to Sasuke’s house practically tripping over every little bump they came by. They came to Sasuke's front door and entered his house. Naruto collapsed into an armchair, and Sasuke onto his bed. A few moments passed and both had started drifting off to sleep, when Naruto sat up straight and started to head over to Sasuke's bed. He took out the medical jelly, unscrewed the lid, put some on his fingers and removed Sasuke's jacket, to reveal the scars Ino had inflicted upon him. Naruto started rubbing the jelly into Sasuke's chest wounds.
"What are you doing?" Sasuke asked, still laying down.
"Well I can't let you go to bed with injuries, and I can't let this medical jelly go to waste." Naruto answered matter of factly.
"Right..well" Sasuke said propping himself up on his elbows, "Thanks." He leaned forward and kissed Naruto lightly upon the lips. "Sorry I tripped." Was How he explained it.
"But..but there’s no rocks here, and you are lying down," A very confused Naruto said.
"I tripped on the road of love." Naruto straddled Sasuke's chest, leaned down, and kissed Sasuke deeply.
"Sorry so did I." Naruto said with a slight smile.
"Oh shut up will you? Better yet.." Sasuke said, as he pulled Naruto on top of him and started kissing him. But it was Naruto who took initiative and shot his tongue through the gap in their lips into Sasuke's mouth. Naruto was just about as bad on Sasuke's chest as Ino was , and about 5 minutes into kissing each other both fell asleep with their arms wrapped around each other.

Chapter 4

"There you two are!" Ino said, as sunlight streamed in through Sasuke's windows onto the sleeping boys, "Come on you two, time to wake up." The boys did not get up only muttered a litte.
Don't make me get Sakura in here, god only knows what she will think." Both boys shot up at that, if Sakura saw Sasuke and Naruto sleeping together she would kill Naruto for sleeping with Sasuke and vice versa.
"So what did you two do last night?" Ino asked looking at the scares on Sasuke's chest.
"What?! What makes you think we did anything," Both boys asked in unison.
"Oh please after you two left everyone did something," Ino said, thinking back to last night, " Yeah we woke up and everyone woke up with one or more people's arms around them. Like Sakura for instance." As Ino said instance a loud bang sounded in the room immediately followed by a puff of smoke. Their sensei Hatake Kakashi stepped out of the smoke "Good morning everyone. Have a nice night?" Kakashi asked, completely clueless to the two semi-naked boys laying in bed, "Oh..." Kakashi said slightly surprised but ending in intrigue.
"Ino, can you please go fetch Sakura for us? But do please, take your time, let the boys clean up." Kakashi said, getting back to the point... for a few moments.
"Right away sir!" Ino said, as she saluted Kakashi and ran out the door.
" So what happened?" Kakashi asked, as the boys stood up and got changed.
"Erm...well," Both boys trailed off, looking at the floor.
"Ohhh I see, I think I know what has happened here," Kakashi said, slightly nostalgic, "Just like me and Obito."

Chapter 5

"I am here sensei!" Sakura yelled running through the door to see Sasuke and Naruto, "Sorry I'm late, I woke up to some unsavoury people."
"To much drinking at the poker game?" Sasuke asked. That earned him a sharp glance from Sakura, almost as if she didn't want Kakashi to know what happened.
"Right well, we can talk about your alcoholic problems later, right now we got a mission." Kakashi said.
"Well what are we waiting for? Lets go!" All three roared. They left Sasuke's house, and made their way to the Hokage's office while Kakashi reminisced about his days on a team.
"Aw finally here we are," Sasuke sighed, glad to have Kakashi quite. One of the Hokage's assistants ushered them into the central chamber, where they would receive their next mission.
"Hello Team 7," The Hokage greeted them, "Today's mission will be the hardest mission in your life." Naruto still a little tired was now paying full attention.
"You will be... Baby sitting!" The Hokage said, followed by a loud "GYAHH!" from Naruto.
"I'm sick of these loser missions, can we not do something better?" Naruto said slightly enraged. He was answered by a punch on the head from Kakashi.
"Do I have to explain how the missions are assigned again Naruto?" The Hokage asked with a sigh.
"Actually I think a mission where we actually do something could benefit us a little." Sasuke replied.
" Yeah I agree." Sakura said.
"All right... well There is an escort mission available," The Hokage said, not doubting their effectiveness.
"We will take it, tell our client to meet at the town gates tomorrow morning, we will then," Kakashi said gathering his team and leaving.
"Yeah finally," Naruto exuberated," A real mission. Thanks for backing me up Sasuke." Naruto said, leaning over and gave Sasuke a peck on the cheek.
"Your welcome Naruto." Sasuke said, giving Naruto a peck on the cheek.
"Do I get a kiss?" Sakura asked Sasuke.
"I heard you got enough kisses last night." Sasuke replied. Sakura made a sour face when she heard that they knew what had happened last night.
"What about me?" Kakashi asked, not wanting to feel left out.
"Yes Kakashi you may." Both boys said, standing on tippy toes and kissed him on each side of his face.
"Hehe, thank you." Kakashi said, looking at Sakura as her face maddened more," I'll give you a kiss if you want?"
"N...no thank you," Sakura replied sad now. (Damn women and their mood swings)
"Alright everyone, meet me at my house after lunch, meanwhile I have some reading." Kakashi said walking off down the street.
"Who wants Ramen?" Naruto asked," It is on me, honestly." Naruto patted his wallet, which was filled with last night's game money.
"Sure but you better be paying." Sasuke said, Sakura agreed. They walked to the Ramen Shop and they each ordered a bowl of ramen. When it came time to pay, it turned out the money in the green froggy wallet was fake.
" GYAHH! Who was cheating last night?" Naruto yelled confused.
"I'll pay Naruto...again," Sasuke sighed.
"No its alright I can pay." Sakura said, trying to get back in their good books. Both boys were happy, Naruto because someone was paying for him, and Sasuke because he didn’t want to pay...again.

Chapter 6

They made their way to Kakashi's house and knocked on the door. Strange, no one answered, so Sasuke kicked it down. When the dust had cleared from the door being kicked down, they were treated with the sight of Kakashi and Gai quickly pulling their clothes on.
"Hmpff," Gai grunted as he walked out of the house straight backed.
"Erm... This is a little embarrassing... but lets get down to business," Kakashi said cautiously.
"What was th..." Sakura started, being cut off by Kakashi in the end.
"Nothing, Nothing we were just wrestling," Kakashi said, "Anyways back to business." The team exchanged confused glances, but nodded in agreement.
"Right," he said looking at all three, "First,no gambling, second, no drinking," he said looking at Sakura, who blushed with embarrassment, "Third no one is to see each other after 5 tonight, so basically 2 hours after you leave here, And last, no one wakes up with some one sleeping near them, so basically dont have any affairs tonight."He said looking at Naruto and Sasuke who moved away from eachother.
"That goes for you to sensei," Sasuke said reminding them of what they saw earlier.
"Erm, yes of course." Kakashi muttered.

Chapter 7

They, Team 7, spent the day together. Eventually Ino ran into them and Sasuke took off with her discussing the previous night. Then as Naruto and Sakura rounded a corner they met Chouji and Shikamaru, so Naruto left a nervous Sakura behind and headed for home. It was 12:20 when Naruto put down his scrolls and sighed.
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace, damn Shakespeare." Naruto sighed putting down his Shakespeare scroll. Naruto stood up and walked od his house. Naruto passed Ino's house which was blaring with laughter, scowls and insults. Naruto wished he could be in there, Naruto just walked past it and continued walking. Eventually he entered into the ruined Uchiha district. Naruto turned around to leave when he heard a noise and it sounded as if it were coming from Sasuke's house, Naruto turned back around and headed to Sasuke's. Naruto inhaled and entered the young Uchiha's yard. Naruto walked up to a window to see if Sasuke was awake...he wasn't

Chapter 8

"Sasuke wake up," Naruto whispered eerily through a crack in his window. Sasuke heard this and sat up.
"Who..whos there?" Sasuke asked, breaking out in cold sweat.
"I know what you did last night," Naruto whispered again.
"It was all Naruto's fault I swear," Sasuke said.
"Hey don't bla... damn," Naruto whispered realizing he blew his cover,"Well will you open the door at least?"
"Hmmm, no," Sasuke said,"Instead I'm gonna come out."
"Why can't we just go into your house? Im cold." Naruto whined.
"I've prepared something special for you, but its not in my house so i have to come out." Sasuke said, getting dressed and leaving his house, "Come on follow." Sasuke started leading Naruto around town and eventually they entered the park.
"Is my surprise in the park?" Naruto asked excited.
"Hmmm maybe, but i have a question to ask you first."
"Really?!? What is it? Is it about my surprise? Come on ask me!" Naruto started spouting.
"What would get you to shut up?!" Sasuke yelled. When Naruto heard this he was sad, but then he started of things to make Sasuke embarrassed because obviously Sasuke would do anything to get Naruto to shut up.
"Well... You could hold my hand." Sasuke took his hand out of his pocket and slipped it into Naruto's. He looked away and flushed with embarrassment.
"So you saw Ino and me walk off earlier, right?" Sasuke asked , Naruto nodded, :Well we planned something for you, although it came at a cost."
"Really? So my surprise is at Ino's? Why are we in the park then? What did it cost you?" Naruto asked plaguing Sasuke with more questions.
"One question at a time," Sasuke said,"But for your first question, yes it is at Ino's." Sasuke had walked across town to give Ino more time to prepare, now he had to walk back across town to get back to Ino's. As they neared Ino's Naruto noticed the steam coming out from her window. As they approached her house, Ino cam out in a pink Kimino.

Chapter 9

"Welcome my esteemed guests," Ino said bowing slightly to Sasuke and lower to Naruto. Sasuke smiled and gave Naruto a wink, "Come in, Come in." Ino ushered them inside to the gambling room, that now only had two chairs and the big table. As Naruto was about to sit in the less attractive chair Sasuke intervened.
"Naruto that is my chair, you get the master chair,"Sasuke said pointing to a highly decorated chair . Naruto was shocked because when they gambled thats the chair Sasuke used. Naruto stepped over and sat down in the master shair while Sasuke sat in the less appealing chair.
"Today's special at Yamanaka's Ramen Restaurant is the Miso Ramen. A bowl each would it be?" Ino said in a waitress like voice. Sasuke nodded, but Naruto ordered two bowls instead. A couple minutes past and Ino came back with their ramen. Naruto scarfed both his bowls down and then proceeded to eat Sasuke's. Ino went back into the kitchen and brought out some more ramen. Once again Naruto ate his and Sasuke's. After that happened a few more times, Ino refused to feed Naruto any more ramen with the excuse that her father will want some tomorrow. After she left a pouty Naruto and a smiling Sasuke she came back with two bowls of ice cream.
"Can I get my payment now?" Ino whispered sharply to Sasuke.
"Fine, Naruto do you want to see what this has cost me?" Sasuke asked to Naruto. Naruto turned around with Sasuke's bowl of Ice cream in his hand, and his spoon in his mouth. Naruto watched in awe as Sasuke stood up, grabbed Ino behind the back and pulled her into a kiss. It was rough on Sasuke's partas he prodded Ino's mouth with his tounge and passionate on Ino's part as she fell into a dream like state. It ended fairly quickly and then Ino left the room leaving the two alone.
"Eww sick, that tasted nasty." Sasuke said, thinking back to the taste of Ino.
"Do you think some ice cream would taste better?" Naruto asked holding out his spoon.
"No, but I know something that would." Sasuke said as he got out of his chair and sat down across Naruto's lap and kissed him. Immediately Naruto shot his tounge into Sasuke's mouth and tried to repeat what he had seen Ino do. Sasuke broke the kiss moving his head back slowly.
"There finally something tastes good." Ino had come back to pick up their dished and saw them end their kiss, she was not happy.
"What the hell?!?" Ino yelled walking over to the chair, "I thought you were only doing something nice for him, not use my house to make-out."
"Erm... Sasuke came onto me," Naruto said. Sasuke sat their with his arms around Naruto's neck and gave Ino a cold stare.
"OUT!" Ino yelled at them, making a fist and moving forward. Before she could do anything Sasuke stood up and put his finger to her lips. Ino stopped as if it were fire. Meanwhile Sasuke used his free hand to subtly motion to Naruto to leave.
"Alright m'dear, its about time to leave." Sasuke said in the most suave voice he could muster. As he left the room Ino was still standing there. She enjoyed that touch more then the kiss they had shared earlier.

Chapter 10

"Right, so where are we supposed to go now?" Asked Naruto.
"A good question." Sasuke replied, "We can't go to either of our house, becuase that would be breaking the rules although we are already breaking them, lets just keep walking." So the two teens countinued walking through the deserted town until they came to the jounin barrack section. They unknowing entered this section of town and kept walking. They two of them walked hand in hand not realizing into until they passed a house that was making sound. They let go of eachothers hands, realizing it know, and continued to see through the houses windows. Whats they saw was Kakahsi, and Gai, Lee, Tenten, and Neji's sensei, having another 'sparring' match.=
"Eww thats sick!" Naruto yelled, alerting the two men inside.
"Who goes there?" Kakashi asked, standing up, naked.
"Shut up!" Sasuke whispered sharply to Naruto. The two boys were trying to be as still as possible, but it wasnt enough. The two men inside jumped out the window and grabbed Naruto and Sasuke.
"What did I say?" Kakahsi asked the two of them.
"Erm nothing yet." Sasuke replied.
"No the rules you idiot." Kakashi said sighing.
"Oh, No gambling, and no drinking." Naruto said, " And dont sleep with anyone."
"Yes and no seeing anyone from the team." Kakashi added. Gai just stood there arms crossed.
"Yea but you also said you wouldnt have any affairs tonight, so your also breaking the rules." Sasuke added. The two men picked up the stuggling teens and brought them inside, then they bound them to chairs. The three of them argued alittle more and Gai jsut stood there nodding whenever someone made a good point. Finally Kakashi and Gai left the room, and the boys, still tied to chairs. In the room over, a group of people were talking fervously.
"Its all falling into place," one of the voices said.
"Yes, tommorow there will be only one more step for the prophecy to be fulfilled. Kakashi you know your roll in this correct?" Another asked. The boys couldnt see who was talking or if Kakashi nodded or not because they were tied to the chairs and facing away from the closed door. Back in their room Naryto started freaking out after hearing what he did.
"Do you think they're gonna kill us?" Naruto yelled.
"No you idiot."
"Shh can you hear that." Someone in the room over asked.
"s**t! I forgot they were in there," Kakashi said realizing he let the plans be known, "Lets go somewhere else, and just leave them here till morning." The boys were not sure what they agreed to but they did hear the door close, indicating they left the house.
"Wahh! There jsut gonna leave us tied up to chairs!?!" Naruto yelled overreacting again.
"Your hopeless"
"How can he be hopeless if he still has hope?" A mysterious voice said to the left.
"Huh? Who said that, show yourself," Sasuke demanded.
"Im Chesh," The voice said again, this time from the right.
"SASUKE! Im scared, hold me." Naruto said wetting himself.
"I cant you idiot, im tied up"
"Cheshire for short," The voice said behind them. Naruto let out a loud yell as the stranger walked into the little light of the room. He was dressed in all purple, from his stripped kimono, to his purple hair, all the way to his pupils. He also had an eerie broad grin.
"Oh little pretties all locked up." Cheshire (for that was his name was short, as he said) said, stroking Naruto's face, who was petrified in fear. But before Chesh could do anything harmful, or helpful, four ANBU members popped into the room.
"Project C.A.T. you are under arrest by every nation in the surrounding area. No one knows how youve evaded every security measure weve got, but we got you now." One of the ANBU said, lunging for Chesh.
Sorry boys, seems I got to go, see you soon." Chesh said jumping and dodging any ANBU who came his way. When he got to the window sill he looked back and the boys and blew them a kiss, then he disappeared. No he didnt jump out of the window, he just disappeared, without a trace.
"Boys, what did It say?" The ANBU who rushed Chesh first asked.
"Not..." Naruto started, he looked over at Sasuke who gave him a nod, " Nothing but what you heard."
"Hmmm alright you free to go, but one question. Why are you tied up?" He asked uncutting them from their chairs.
" Umm... Kakashi's idea of interrogative resistance training." Sasuke said, thinking quickly, Naruto nodded in affirmation. Both boys exited the house, and parted ways.

***
On the other side of town Sakura woke up covered in sweat, she looked at the clock and it read 4:25 in red digitalness.
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 4:08 am


....
....
....Awkward...

You could match your title with your story... if there is anything there...

Here is my advice, I'm going to harsh for my criticism...

Your plot... is totally empty, there is nothing to pick up there. It could be a dabble but no plot nonetheless.

You need to edit your story for typo and have to correct your spelling and grammar. You have a lot of typo and a few spelling mistakes, also a little grammar mistake too. Some of the Naruto cast seems OOC.

So pretty much some people would stop reading at Chapter 1, there is other people who is willingly to read this story.

So I suggest a rewrite, because that story didn't came out naturally...

I don't know what else to explain but to also suggest to practice writing like I am.

Soul of Deflection

Newbie Noob


Finbar_Naros

PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 10:52 am


hehe actually i know there are quite alot of mistakes, but im still just writing and yping it, its not finished yet actually... although i did waste alot getting up to where its going... the reason why there is little spelling errors is becuase spellcheck biggrin razz , and if you did read the first little bit... the Note it did say im taking characters and changing them to my own writing needs... owell thnx for reading it anyways razz
PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 4:37 am


No problem, it is better than nothing. I thought I should give you advice even though I'm not good at it either. I'm just want to help you as best as I can, we can't leave possibly good writers without advice. ^^

Soul of Deflection

Newbie Noob

Reply
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