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Blasphemator

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 11:56 pm


Hey, I havn't really done much here, in fact I only posted once in the I'm new forum.... uh... ANYWAYS! I am about to make a halloween story. Listen to this music as you read my story please. Here I go:

It was halloween night. Jake, David, Luaren, Margrate, Ammanda, and Alex went to a halloween party. When they got to the party, they had a great time, and after a while a couple of guys, Evan and Bill, came up to the group and said "Let's each bet in 500 bucks, and the one who stays the longest in that house on Jefferson lane wins all the money."
"Your on!" Exclaimed Jake, who had two too many drinks that night.
"Yea, who's with us!?" Cried David, even more drunk.
They all agreed to it. They gave all the money to a friend of theirs, and off they drove to the house that would be a nightmare of hell gone real.

When they got inside, Jake, Bill, David, and Luaren took Tower bedrooms. There was a circular hand mirror on a desk in Luarens room, a circular wall mirror in the hall way on the second floor, and one on the 3rd floor, a circular wall mirror in David's room, a journal in Bill's room, and a fireplace in Jake's room. Jake walked on the 2nd floor hall way, and stoped and looked at the hallway mirror. He stared intently, makeing out the shape of a small child in the mirror, when suddenly, a dark figure walked in the mirror, some what quick, and was very shadowy, and seemed to lean forward. Jake was taken aback, and decided that his eyes were playing tricks on him. They explored the house a little. There was a few bathrooms. "They say that there's a ghost who always washes his hands in one of these bathrooms." Evan said.On the 1st floor was a great dining room, and a kitchen right next to it. "They say tthat there's a ghost who always cooks something in this kitchen. And that there's a ghost who always eats in that Dining room."

There was a living room, a foyer, and a stairwell. On the second floor was a libary. "They say that there's a ghost here who always reads a certain book." Evan said.

"Shut it Evan!" Jake exclaimed.

"They say that the owner of this mansion was the mayor of the town. I can't remember his name at the moment. But his wife had an affair with his butler. He found out, and killed the butler, and buried him somewhere in the back yard. He threatend to kill his wife if she told anyone, so late at night she poisened him." Evan recited a ghost story he had heard. "She gained all the wealth, and her eldest son wanted all the wealth, and he killed her. The second oldest brother found out, and black mailed the eldest. So the eldest killed him too. The youngest in turn grew crazy from all the unexplained deaths, and from what he said were voices in his head. The voices of his dead family members."

"Wow, what a nice family." Luaren said sarcasticly.

"That's not all," Said Evan.

"Oh, great there's more." Margrate said, also sarcasticly.

"The eldest son killed the eldest brother and the second youngest. He was almost executed, but he plead insaniity. He got life at an asylum. So the origanal mansion's owner's brother inherited the mansion. He went disapearing. He had no children and wasn't married, so the owner's only other brother inherited it. This guy just sold the place. The new couple that lived there were found dead. They had supposadly done suicide. But rumor says that no one found out how they killed them selves.

Luaren, who's room was on the 3rd floor, walked into the bathroom. She used the bathroom, and washed her hands, and looked into the mirror above the sink. It had the outline of a face, but she, too, decided her eyes were playing tricks on her. She heard noises coming from her room, went in, and there was no one there. She went to bed, and felt breathing on her legs. She soon felt hands carresing her legs, and she looked under the covers there was no one there.

Ammanda went strait to bed, and as she was sleeping, she felt breathing on her. Margrete did the same thing, and felt breathing on her neck, she turned and looked towerds the window, and there was a face! As visable as any normal human head, but it was a greenish face, and it's eyes were black! And it started to moan. Marg screamed, and soon Bill was in the room.
"What the hell was that about!?" He demanded to know.
"I'm getting the ******** out of here! You can have my money!"
"Fine! Great! Now get teh Hell out!"

She ran out of the house, down a couple of blocks. She got out her cell phone, and dialed her friend at the party. The phone rang and rang, and then it was the moaning sound. The moaning sound of the face. She screamed and ran and ran, and she eventual got home, were she turned on all the lights, and locked all the doors. The phone rang, adn she was scared deathly. She picked up the phone, shivering as if she were butt naked in the middle of the south pole. And it was her mom. She talked and then said good bye. Then the phone rang again, marg picked up, and the moaning began, as all the lights went out. Her parents found her the next morning dead, no one heard from her again.

Meanwhile... Luaren felt hands squeez her legs very tighly and firmly, she looked over the covers, and there was a big hump under the blanket. She looked under, and the horror she saw was just too much for any one to state, beyond that it had bleeding eyes, and a stump where the nose would have been. No one ever heard from her again. Some say that she was draged down to hell. Others say she was murdered by the other kids.

((I'll work more on this later.)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 1:24 am


I would read that . . . but it's like 3:20 in the morning and I haven't slept for 2 days. >_o
It looks like a very nice story. =B


Mrs. Fluffy Elizabeth


Greedy Noob


Blasphemator

PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 2:55 pm


Anyone wanna give some positive feedback mabey please?
PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 10:57 am


It's not bad, but it kinda seems like you rushed through it. It would be nice to hear a little bit on the background of the house and more of what it looked like inside, you know? It kinda adds to the creepiness. xd It's interesting though. 3nodding

xD0Gx

Destructive Cutesmasher


Blasphemator

PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2006 3:20 pm


DiogieDOG
It's not bad, but it kinda seems like you rushed through it. It would be nice to hear a little bit on the background of the house and more of what it looked like inside, you know? It kinda adds to the creepiness. xd It's interesting though. 3nodding
Thanks, I actually was kind of in a hurry. I guess I'll edit it adn say the rooms and stuff.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 12:17 am


needs a lot of work

grimbloodlust


Blasphemator

PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 4:29 pm


grimbloodlust
needs a lot of work
Yea I edited it. I'm going to work on it more now.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 5:39 pm


Please some one give me feedback! gonk crying

Blasphemator


Rieffer5

PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 5:54 pm


Seems good. I like it.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:12 am


i like it
but like other people said, it seems a bit rushed
and liek they said again, it would greatly benefit it if there was more detail
backround, if u will
but its a great story ^^
very good
(:3=

xXxHarlequinGirlxXx


lmaosjdasfdf

PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 4:48 pm


twisted
PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 10:46 am


It's a good premise, but like everyone said it needs A LOT more detail, and not just on the house, but the background of the characters involved. Like all good horror movies and books, you should start the story a day or two before Halloween, give readers a chance to get to know the characters, that way as they die, readers will actually care.

Another thing that would make it really good is to leave all the characters fates in question till the very end. For example Amanda I think it was who died at home, don't explain that her parents found her dead. Leave her story hanging say right as she got the phone call of the moaning.
And leave Lauren's story hanging right after she saw the creature under her sheets.

Then at the end when everyone's fate is still unknown, but you left each character hanging, fast forward to the next year and have some high school student or something explain what happened to each person, possibly while he/she is in the same house with a bunch of friends about to repeat the whole thing. And then let the story end.

This has the potential to be a whole book, if you add enough detail to it. And attempt to explain the horrors a bit more, make sure the readers know that the characters are scared, which will in turn scare the readers.

(I read a lot, thus the input)

Asetkat66613


Jackie Aiden

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 3:36 pm


Asetkat66613
It's a good premise, but like everyone said it needs A LOT more detail, and not just on the house, but the background of the characters involved. Like all good horror movies and books, you should start the story a day or two before Halloween, give readers a chance to get to know the characters, that way as they die, readers will actually care.

Another thing that would make it really good is to leave all the characters fates in question till the very end. For example Amanda I think it was who died at home, don't explain that her parents found her dead. Leave her story hanging say right as she got the phone call of the moaning.
And leave Lauren's story hanging right after she saw the creature under her sheets.

Then at the end when everyone's fate is still unknown, but you left each character hanging, fast forward to the next year and have some high school student or something explain what happened to each person, possibly while he/she is in the same house with a bunch of friends about to repeat the whole thing. And then let the story end.

This has the potential to be a whole book, if you add enough detail to it. And attempt to explain the horrors a bit more, make sure the readers know that the characters are scared, which will in turn scare the readers.

(I read a lot, thus the input)

I agree completely. It has great potential, but is horribly rushed through. The more details in horror stories...or any story really....are usually the best.
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The Halloween Guild

 
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