ok, stuff started to escalate for me when my fiance went off to basic training and when he said we needed to get married as soon as possible. We were planning april of next year, now its been moved to this november and im going to be moving from here (atlanta georgia...born and raised basicly) to about a hour north of toronto canada. I have no family up there, and...he doesn't really either. So it will probably just be him and I for a while.
then my best friend tys came to visit me.
When I was 12-16 we dated on and off. He was my first love, he hung the moon and I always kept that deep inside of myself kinda secretely. Ive....done things with him in the past I was never proud of. I thought I was over it and fine.
but i wasn't.
we've always had such a messed up relationship. We act like friends, but some how weither were drunk or something else if were left alone long enough..stuff happens. But never to the extent that it did this time.
I did the worst thing imaginable. I slept with him...twice while he was visiting.
Now, hes the type of guy to screw and move on. But ive never been like that, ive always had emotion and love when i do that.
and the fact i feel like ..im just a knoch on that bed post basicly..hurts me to no end. I was never good enough for him in the past, and i never will be.
Im just his friend, we talked about it allot...yesterday. I thought we had it all worked out..it..just......*sighs* some how it continues to hurt. And im worried that if i make a fuss about it, he will disapear completly for months . cause in his mind when he does that, hes some how protecting me and stopping the pain by taking himself out of the equation. (hes done that in the past...>.<)
also, since it happened i desided not to tell my fiance....I think its best to take this one to my grave. Hes in basic training, hes going through hell....and i can't put him through any more then thats needed. I just can't.
Anyways, Tys left today. I thought I was fine, I really did. I talked to my fiance....everything was fine. I was so happy to talk to him and get that chance cause im never sure when I am.
Now i know he sounds like a heartless b*****d, but hes ...been there for me through everything i can really remember, he and I have truely been to hell and back so hes not ever going to leave my life. If he did, i would just curl up and die.
anywho moving on, about a hour ago i feel apart. I did something I hadn't done since I was 16 years old. I cut the fool out of my wrist. I always cut on the side of it, so no one give me a lecture about calling a doc. cause im fine, i know how to handle that sortof thing.
just latly..i llook in the mirror and I barely know who i am any more. I don't know how the hell i got to where i am.
I just don't know whats wrong with me....I don't know if im asking for help with this, or simply venting.*just sighs* help...
i just ache.....i ache for love. I ache for adam(my fiance) and i ache for tys too. Everything is on fast forward almost for me and I cant seem to find the pause button. Its......idk how to discribe..it..
then my best friend tys came to visit me.
When I was 12-16 we dated on and off. He was my first love, he hung the moon and I always kept that deep inside of myself kinda secretely. Ive....done things with him in the past I was never proud of. I thought I was over it and fine.
but i wasn't.
we've always had such a messed up relationship. We act like friends, but some how weither were drunk or something else if were left alone long enough..stuff happens. But never to the extent that it did this time.
I did the worst thing imaginable. I slept with him...twice while he was visiting.
Now, hes the type of guy to screw and move on. But ive never been like that, ive always had emotion and love when i do that.
and the fact i feel like ..im just a knoch on that bed post basicly..hurts me to no end. I was never good enough for him in the past, and i never will be.
Im just his friend, we talked about it allot...yesterday. I thought we had it all worked out..it..just......*sighs* some how it continues to hurt. And im worried that if i make a fuss about it, he will disapear completly for months . cause in his mind when he does that, hes some how protecting me and stopping the pain by taking himself out of the equation. (hes done that in the past...>.<)
also, since it happened i desided not to tell my fiance....I think its best to take this one to my grave. Hes in basic training, hes going through hell....and i can't put him through any more then thats needed. I just can't.
Anyways, Tys left today. I thought I was fine, I really did. I talked to my fiance....everything was fine. I was so happy to talk to him and get that chance cause im never sure when I am.
Now i know he sounds like a heartless b*****d, but hes ...been there for me through everything i can really remember, he and I have truely been to hell and back so hes not ever going to leave my life. If he did, i would just curl up and die.
anywho moving on, about a hour ago i feel apart. I did something I hadn't done since I was 16 years old. I cut the fool out of my wrist. I always cut on the side of it, so no one give me a lecture about calling a doc. cause im fine, i know how to handle that sortof thing.
just latly..i llook in the mirror and I barely know who i am any more. I don't know how the hell i got to where i am.
I just don't know whats wrong with me....I don't know if im asking for help with this, or simply venting.*just sighs* help...
i just ache.....i ache for love. I ache for adam(my fiance) and i ache for tys too. Everything is on fast forward almost for me and I cant seem to find the pause button. Its......idk how to discribe..it..
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