Welcome to Gaia! ::

Honey, you're forgetting about one very important detail in all of this. You're forgetting that God is always with you, every day. You said that you felt that the world was all falling on your shoulders. God tells you differently. When the world is on your shoulders, put it on God's. You can make it with God's strength.

And these words are not empty. I know many people might have told you that at some point, and your thought is "you don't know what it's like." But, see, I know what it's like to feel like the world is always on your shoulder.

My parents are deaf and don't know English. In that my sister and I have always had a bit more responsibility than your average kid. My sister more so than I because I am the youngest. However, when my sister went to college, all that fell on me, and I wasn't used to that. Also, unlike my sister, I loaded myself down with hard classes in high school my last year, and I actually did my work. So, it was hard to balance.

Then came my father's brain cancer. That tore everything apart. My family's structure shifted. I couldn't lean on my mom emotionally because she was too busy leaning on me. I couldn't break down because if I did, I was scared I wouldn't get back up to continue coordinating dad's treatment, insurance, etc. I was responsible for getting help, I was responsible for talking with the doctors, I was the first to know how serious it was, I was the one who had to break it to my parents. I was the one who could hear, so I was the only one who could help dad when he fell that one night. The world had been put on my shoulders, and suddenly.

I was so scared to collapse or go to God because inside I feared that God wouldn't handle it. God kept telling me to trust Him. Within a week of going on my own, God convicted me so hard. There was literally a pain in my chest and this burning in my spirit as God pressed me to let go to Him.

For the rest of that school year, I leaned on God. It was funny because I heard so many people say that I was strong. It wasn't me, though. I had fallen into God's arms. God gave me the grace and the ability to handle it. And God has healed the wounds that it caused. And I have learned a valuable lesson: That God really is my strong foundation. I never have anything to fear because God is with me. I still had to do a lot, but God lent me His strength, which is everlasting. I had energy to handle things I never did before. And though I was troubled, I was never spiritually tired.

That same God wants to be with you in your ordeal, if you will let Him. He can be that soucre of strength when we can't do it. When you can't, He can. Trust Him.

God is your crying shoulder. Use Him. He's someone to be feared, but He loves you. He gave His all for you. He wants you to lean on Him.

And another thing. You said something about not wanting your grandfather to die just because God was testing you. You're wrong.

I have an older brother and a few siblings of unknown gender, a.k.a. miscarriages. My older brother died as a baby. Somehow, I got the notion that he died to make room for me. And indeed, my parent's finances are only enough to support two children through college, not three. That and a few other things drove me to the point one day where I said, "I'm a total screw up. My brother died to make room for me and my parents must really hurt when they look at me. I shouldn't be alive now, he should be. I don't deserve to live. I give up on life."

What God told me the instant I said that to myself still brings tears to my eyes. Half of it is the way He told it to me. He told it to me in love and with a sense of urgency, like He could feel me slipping away and He was not going to let me go. He said, "You are my child and my servant. I bought you with my blood! I gave what was most precious to me so that we could be together! You don't get to decide when you die, I do! You are forgiven of your sins, so stop holding that against yourself. Also, I was the one that took your brother's life. Do not hold against yourself something that I did. My motives are my own, but he is happy with me. It was my decision, not yours. I love you. Do not give up on life."

Needless to say, I wept a lot. But also, I have never held that against myself again, nor have I felt suicidal since. I think He allowed me to get there to finally end that depressive cycle that I'd been going through for a year or so.

The bolded part up there applies to you very heavily. If your grandfather dies, it will be because God wanted it that way. It has nothing do to with you. If he lives, it has nothing to do with you.