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 Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 4:10 pm
yes, ladies and gentlemen, i have officially gotten the short, not-very-good prologue writen. and what do yeah know...it took like fifteen minutes sweatdrop
check out my journal if your interested in seeing it. or, if you'd prefer, request that i post it on here. you choose! and let me know whatcha think.......but be nice sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 9:08 pm
It's a decent beginning, but there were several things I noticed about it....
" hand grabbed her arm and shook her limp, sleeping body"
Using both limp and sleeping is a bit of an overstatement. Just sleeping would be fine.
"She muttered through the haze of sleep that struggled to keep her from reality."
Try to avoid using "that" in your sentences like that. Often, it gives the feel of a novice to the work.
"In place of her roommate’s voice, a tiny male voice whispered into her ear, and the hand that gripped her arm and shook her, was tiny"
Overuse of the word "tiny". Simply stating that the hand couldn't wrap around her arm would be enough.
" hazy fog"
Again, an overstatement. Haze and fog are the same thing.
"or a wisp of her dreams escaping into her reality"
This sentence could do without wisp. "...her dreams escaping into reality" gives a clear enough picture.
"glinting with small jewels. In fact, his entire person seemed to be covered in expensive, but small, jewelry"
Overuse of "small". "...his entire person seemed to be covered in expensive, but small, jewelry" would probably be enough.
"defiantly"
What you're looking for is definitely.
Overall, it isn't a bad start, although it does leave the reader wondering if they missed something before that. It sounds like an interesting story!
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