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Chapter one--Feedback please!

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Tiva Boon

PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2004 12:34 pm


*This is Chapter one of my time-travel Young Adult Sci-fi series. Feedback is appreciated*

Mixi ran through the starship at warp speeds. Luckily, no one else was in the corridor. Then again, that usually meant something was happening. She hated being left out of everything that was going on, but being the youngest girl on a ship of mostly men didn’t help. She reached the end of the corridor that led to the command center. Her father was there with his crew.

Catching her breath, she glanced at the door. The computer panel next to the door glowed red. The ship was on high alert. She frowned knowing she’d never get through without clearance. She spun around quickly and ran back the way she came. Once she reached the opposite end of the ship, she banged forcefully on another door.

It swished open and she tilted her head to the side then jerked her head back toward the corridor, her eyes giving all the information needed. Trouble. He nodded and followed as Mixi ran back toward the command center. As they skidded to a halt, she watched as he studied the panel. He scrolled through a few of the options on the screen and frowned. He motioned back to the main corridor she obediently followed. They approached another room. Mixi glanced over, and she began to shake her head. He took her hand in his and smiled reassuringly. She felt calmer, if only for a nano-second.

He tapped a code into the keypad next to the door and it swooshed open. He walked in pulling her along.

“Can’t be in here, can’t be in here,” she said then cursed in Japanese.

“Don’t worry, Mixi, I know what I’m doing.”

“Pop’s gonna blow a warp injector coil. Pop’s gonna blow a warp injector coil.”

“Relax will you? The ship might be at high alert, but it’s no big deal, just a nebula. I checked the sensor log. He won’t even miss our bio readings.” He chuckled pulling her deeper into the room.

“Emrey, I don’t wanna see it. I don’t wanna see it.” Mixi struggled to get away.

“Mixi, don’t have a fit. I hate it when you repeat yourself, you make me nervous.” Emrey stopped his march and looked down at her. “Listen, Pop said that it works pretty well, and it just needs to be tweaked a bit. I’ve been studying mechanics and temporal theory for years now, I know more than he does. I can make it work, I know I can.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” she stammered. “Playing with time is like flying through a black hole. Not good, not good.”

“Just think of all the things we can see…maybe even Mom.”

“Emrey stop!” Mixi stomped her foot on the ground. The thump vibrated the thin metal grating they were standing on. Mixi glanced around the room, having never been this far inside before. The sleek metallic walls were covered with conduits, control panels, wiring, power cells, and other odds and ends that were needed to make a time travel device operational. She saw the device itself in the middle of the room. It looked nothing like what she imagined. After reading all sorts of stories about time travelers and their methods, as well as all the old Earth television show’s she’d pirated copies of, she expected something more…stimulating…especially from her imaginative brother. “This is the time thingy?”

Emrey moaned, “Just call it the PoD.”

“PoD?”

“Yes, the portal of dimensions.”

“Now that’s just plain silly. It’s not a pod, a portal, and you can’t use it to cross dimensions, Emrey.”

“Mixi, you’re thinking like a clone. The PoD opens a portal inside…and time is a dimension. It’s a measurement just like weight and height and just as flexible.” He chuckled. “Try and use your genetic enhancements for something other than acting like a blonde.”

“I resent that.”

“No, you resemble that.”

Mixi grunted and touched her wrist. Her fingers curled around a thick metallic band. She turned a dial, then pressed a button, and stuck her tongue out at Emrey as her hair changed from dark blonde to dark purple. She moved closer to the PoD and put her hands on her hips. “This piece of junk can open a portal?”

The PoD reminded her of a fancy oversized garbage dumpster with an escape hatch. It was sleek and black, six feet high, had no windows or propulsion system.

“I can show you,” he answered sharply. “That is, if you are open minded enough to watch.”

“Fine, fine. I’m telling Pop it’s your fault if we get caught.”

“I’ll get yelled at anyway, I’m older.”

“Not by much.”

“Three seconds.”

“Exactly.”

“Three seconds is a life time to the Jilura virus,” he frowned running a hand through his spiked dark blond hair.

Mixi rolled her eyes. “To bad it was eradicated.”

“I could have done wonders with that bug…anyway. Hand me one of those chronometers,” Emrey said, pointing to a nearby table.

Mixi picked up one of the small round timepieces and tossed it over. She peeked in as her brother opened the hatch to the PoD. He placed the meter on a cushion near the center and raised his hands, displaying the interior. Her mouth dropped, the PoD was hideous. No doubt, it was her brother’s decorating style—tacky. She stepped closer seeing the vibrant colors and lights inside the dumpster. It made her dizzy. Bright blue paint covered the entire inside panels of the PoD. All types of designs in white decorated the walls. A large velvet red couch stretched across the back of the container. On the neon orange ceiling, was a monitor with a date and time display. Another small console lay at in the middle of the floor.

“Now, I’ll program the PoD to send the chronometer back to yesterday, and then we’ll wait ten minutes and have the PoD retrieve it the very second it entered the past. When it comes back it will be the exact same time displayed when it left, only a second later of course.”

“I am not stupid Emrey, I understand time travel. Do you have a sensor in the PoD so that we can see what the portal looks like inside?”

“Give me a little credit, dear sister.” Emrey smiled and backhanded with his thumb toward one of the other workstations. “I’ll program the PoD, you can bring up the sensors and start recording the output. I have to make one minor adjustment.”

Mixi exhaled heavily and made her way over. She tapped on the console a few times, ignoring the beeps and whirls of the room around her. She slid her finger from one switch to another and hit a blinking key to start recording the information. A few more rapid keystrokes and the computer monitor imbedded in the station lit up, as did the inside of the PoD. She checked the monitor. The angle of the sensor showed the center of the PoD, which was empty.

Emrey’s head soon popped up on the screen. Startled, Mixi jumped back. She chuckled feeling foolish, but satisfied her brother hadn’t seen the humorous display.

“I’m recording,” she yelled out.

“Almost done…” Emrey mumbled back. “On your left should be a green button to power up the PoD, press it.”

“But, Emrey, you’re still inside.”

“Don’t worry, it’s just the charger. It needs to warm up a little.”

Mixi searched the console and spotted it. She crossed her fingers, held her breath, and pushed and entire room went dark.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2004 3:28 pm


Is it really that bad? No one commented...

Tiva Boon


clarion

Cat

PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2004 6:08 pm


You gotta be patient in here--longer posts require more commitment and it might take a while for somebody to have a chance to look at it. wink

Quote:
Mixi ran through the starship at warp speeds.

I don't know if I really like that opening line...if nothing else, I'd change "speeds" to "speed". I'd say you could also combine the next two sentences into one for better flow.

In the third paragraph we pick up a new character, the mysterious "he." Who is he and where did he come from?

Once you start introducing the time-travel aspect, things got a bit confusing. I think mostly due to pacing issues--you might slow down slightly (the mood of alert does need a fairly quick pace though) and add a line or two here and there to explain what's going on a little better. Looks like this is a pretty well-thought out idea though, and the writing is clean and easy to read. It just needs a little polishing to work out some of those small kinks.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2004 8:42 pm


Thanks for the tips, all round...

~Jenn

Tiva Boon


I Have Eaten the Plums

PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 12:31 am


its not bad. I like the idea
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The Cranky Writers' Guild

 
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