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If ever a story was meant to confuse, this is it. Quite amusing, though.

rofl Hilarity in great abundance!

And lo, ‘twas high in the Горы Леденца, or the Mountains of Sugar Candy as they are known by mortal man, that there rested a village. Its inhabitants had aptly named the village A Hole as it is, in fact, in a hole. In this village, the men leave each day before dawn to wrest nougat and chocolate from the crystallized rock candy mountain side. The women stay behind, fulfilling the functions that the men seemed incapable of comprehending. Well, most did, the priestesses of Edna refused to do so and tramped about their temple wearing pants while singing songs replete with the phrase “We will overcome!”

The children ran about in little groups doing what children do when running about in little groups. Some of the boys fought with the branches of the Tumtum trees that bordered the village, wielding them as one would wield a vorpal sword against one another. Others swam in the Milk River, shrieks of laughter echoing into the village as they petted the catfish.

And it was here, in this village that mighty Hero was born. And the wise elders of the village knew that his birth portended something important, for on that day there was an eclipse of the Sun, and a three headed goat was born, and Billy found a four leaf clover, and fire rained down from the heavens, and a million Swiss insurance salesmen burst forth from the Earth and began to chant Hero’s name over and over again in binary saying “01001000011001010111001001101111”, and all the sheep of the village bleated simultaneously, and all the elders were suddenly granted the ability to look into the future, and magic Dolphor, aquatic Lord of the Witches, flew by cackling madly and, finally, the moon burst into flame.

Actually, the elders still didn’t put it all together until they were granted the ability to see in the future. At that point they saw far enough into the future to the point where they spoke of this event and the fact that Hero’s birth portended something. What it portended was not known to the wise elders as the wise elders of the future wisely in their eld wisdom granted to them by Bill did not mention what the event portended for fear of upsetting the fragile fabric of time.

But even so, the wise elders began to say that Hero was the Chosen One, not to be confused with all the other Chosen Ones who existed down the ages, that would finally defeat Ras Morlock and the dreaded construction of the Зал Бильярда и Вечной Пытки и Разрушения, known to mortals as the Hall of Billiards and Eternal Torture and Destruction.

Hero was a cute child by the way.

*Blink blink* what the heck did I just read? I'm so confuzzled. whee

Hero’s first year of training began at the age six weeks. This was four weeks late, but the trainers believed that with hard work and a little bit of body altering magic, Hero could be brought up to speed. Now, as it was his first year, the training was fairly easy. Swimming in lava, wrestling bears, dodging rocks while blindfolded- Simple kid’s stuff.

Wait, no, actually, that sounds rather rigorous. I-I don’t think I could do any of that.

Get on with it.

Okay, I’m just saying that these exercises sound really difficult.

People are made of sterner stuff in Absolam. Hero is made out of steel and the lost souls of telephone car insurance salesmen, whereas you are made out of potato chips and bacon grease.

So Hero is a robot possessed by insurance salesmen?
What?

Well, you said he was made out of steel and the lost souls of insurance salesmen.

One, its telephone car insurance salesmen, and secondly, it is a saying.

People say that they are made out of steel and-

No. They say they are made out of sterner stuff.

Then why go into all that steel and salesmen talk?

Because I wanted to show that the people of Absolam are tough, and steel would be an excellent way of conveying this.

Then what is all this talk of car insurance? If this is leading up to a joke about Geico, I swear you will not see the Sun set.

I added that for whimsy’s sake. And I never see the Sun go down anyway.

You go to sleep rather early then, don’t you think?

Just get on with it.

Hero did catch up with the rest of the students by the eighteenth year of training. By that time they were into the really rigorous stuff, like transporting an ice statue while swimming through magma with lead weights attached to their ankles and other body parts, wrestling avalanches with one hand behind their backs, and dodging assorted objects while blindfolded and nailed to the ground.

Wait- Potato chips and bacon grease? Are you calling me fat?

After stocking up on more socks, Hero left the mountain fastness of Главное Здание, в котором Вы изучаете пути Солдат Высшего качества Совершенствования и Освещаете то же самое как Другие Вещи, Которые связаны С общей Этикой and began his long trek down to A Hole. He walked through all the obstacles that the party which brought him to Главное Здание, в котором Вы изучаете пути Солдат Высшего качества Совершенствования и Освещаете то же самое как Другие Вещи, Которые связаны С общей Этикой was forced to endure except for the Обширная яма огня агонизирующей боли which was under renovations at the time.

All the while, the people of A Hole were putting up bunting and trying to keep the avian pig doodles out of the potato salad. Little did they know the horror that was in store for them that day.

Hero passed by the final sign which warned that going up this mountain on this particular trail was really just a bad idea and that he should instead try the other side of the mountain as there is a ski lift that has recently been installed at great expense just for people like you who are crazy for wanting to get up this mountain in the first place. It was, however, slightly hidden behind a bush.

Hero made camp that night and recorded his adventures thus far into a journal. It looked something like this:

deer gernal,
i haf jest getted ofe tha montin and am going to tha vilage of a hole whar my mastar the nite ferdinard told me to go so that I kold komplet mi traneing in tha metal arts wich wil improv mi brian and halp me lern to spel wich is dum becuse I spel jest fyne as it is.

Like it was mentioned before hand, Hero does not know many things.