Welcome to Gaia! ::

Introduction.

So yeah. I have a feeling I'll be doing quite a few critiques a month, so I'll be posting my insane thought processes here, my published critiques, and a bit of my personal favorite critiques I've given. I'll also write back-up reviews for those times that everyone else is busy. If anyone has a bone to pick with this thread, tell me. If its not liked, delete it. biggrin

neutral = You are Here!

It's Like The Subway, Only More Cramped.

1. Introduction neutral
2. Critiquing Ways and How to Survive a Critique
3. Published Rants from SF [Published Critiques/Reviews]
4. Critic Rants and Raves

Published Rants from SF [Published Critiques]

1. Gaian Press, Issue 17.0, June '06
2. Gaian Press, Issue 19.0, August '06

neutral = 3. Published Rants from SF [Published Critiques]

Oh god. I'm going to be talking to myself! surprised



I'm not sure about this title. It feels... Boring. Like, really boring. I think you could make it have the same effect, but this ain't cutting it.


Hmm. I think this a pretty good start. I like the whole 'I can't sleep on your couch' vibe.


Well, I believe that blankets wouldn't make skin more aware of the cool. Also, that second line feels pretty weak. Maybe it's something with the line breaks.


Wait. It just said that you were covered with blankets, right? Be a little more clear. Also, I do like how it's stating that the blankets were skimpy. Interesting way of saying it, but this format isn't working.



I find this really kiddy-cute. I think the question is okay, but I'm not sure about leaving it unanswered. The whole 'snail-mail' thing; is it a ploy to say you think its too expensive?



Okay, too young for what? I think I know what you're implying, but let's make sue that everyone knows, shall we? The 'look in the mirror' is kinda borderline cliche, too. I think it's acceptable to keep, though, in this setting.



Ah, sharing memories? Well, let's make sure you know that the reader will pick up on this memory-vibe.



I think that 'music' could be replaced with 'FM radio' or something to stay with that mainstream air.



Crunchy photographs? Cool! I think that 'notes' could move to the line above it.



Color me bored? Hmm, I'm not sure if this is cliche or not, but I'd be careful with it. The first line break wasn't very good, either. Also, are we going back to the feeding the ducks theme? I like it. I think you've got a little redundance with 'stale'.



Heh. Cute.



Okay, and all I can say is WTF? I think this would be a lovely concept if it weren't so bluntly put out.



Ooh. And now we go to the pressure-of-Mother that everyone feels. I believe someone took a little note from Ms. Plath on that first sentence.



This first sentence just screams "SO NOVELTY-LIKE THAT ITS CHEESY". Now, c'mon. You can do better than that.



Very smart right here. Taking the video game trials to the extreme? I do believe that 'broken dream' was cliche, though. In fact, that first sentence could use some re-wording.



Oh, I like this ending. Very watch-your-words like.




Overall: Okay, not exactly the best, but its acceptable. I liked all the ideas, and how it felt very transitional throughout a young life. Nice for the whole underlying autobio. BUT. You need to make sure everyone knows what the hell you're talking about. Its okay to be abstract, but there's no need to go abstraction-overboard.

I'd go with a different title. This just exudes immaturity, from my point of view, anyway. I mean, there are so many different ways to title this poem; I think this one just does it injustice.



Fix that comma to a semicolon or something of the like.



I think that the second line here feels too much like fillers in meat. Just, not too nice and doesn't taste that good on your tongue. So, I'd just go ahead and omit that second line and those commas.



That last sentence feels too tell-ish. The other part is passable, but the 'few shining bright' and 'slight glimmer' just sounds too much like its already been used. I'm pretty sure you can do better.



See, this is what I mean. I'm not sure about the 'black hole of ignorance', though. It feels pretty straightforward for a metaphor.



Is 'the' really needed? You could omit it, really. I like the idea of creativity breathing and dying, and the way you presented it. Nice job there.



Since you just used a semicolon, the 'and' isn't needed. I don't like the idea of the 'bless their souls', but I like the idea of the lack therof.



I'm not sure if the wording of the first line is doing justice, really. Its a nice idea, but the way its presented just doesn't work out too well. Also, the copying part feels a bit straightforward, like you just stuck it out there because we couldn't understand it otherwise.



I love the playfulness of this stanza.



I enjoy the internal rhyme in the second line. I think you could change 'commentating boys' into something like those people who report the golf games and such.



Change that first comma to something like a semicolon or dash or such. This is a nice little stanza, though 'mumble-grumble' does feel a bit elementary, compared to what I've read from this poem so far.



I'm not sure if this first line break is such a good idea, but the faux-goth/faux-wood repetition is just splendid.



The second line feels very filler-like, which isn't too good. This metaphor is very nicely done, though.



Couldn't you delete the fourth comma? I mean, there's a dash right beside it. Also, the last line break isn't that appealing, in my opinion.



Total love for this. Its a great simile set-up that almost no poetry I see nowadays uses.



And, this just falls flat. Its boring compared to how nicely you just showed us that teacher and how she speaks. The slight repetition of 'diagram' isn't all that nice, even though it sounds alright. 'Ever-so-prettily' is a downslide, as well.



No real qualms here. Its not bad, but its not exactly good, either. Can't put my finger on what makes it so okay, but not great.



Pure love here. Though, I'm not sure if 'coke' is such a good word to use here. It'd be pretty cool if you'd use a somewhat scientific word for it, but have context clues so we don't totally have no idea what you're saying.



No qualms here, either.



Oh, that last line falls a bit flat. Other liens are very nicely done, again, though.



I do completely hate 'Teacher-dearest'. I don't really know why, but it just irks me so bad.



I'm not a fan of that second line. Its probably just subject to some bad line breaks, but it doesn't hold much of anything, really.


This seems to remind me of a Catholic school so very much.



Oh, I don't like this much at all. I know there is a better way to make this personification a good one, and you could play with this to no end to make us readers think.



There's no need for those parentheses. That one's a given, compared to the wound personification. I like the Care-Bear color vibe, however.



YES. I know how this feels, and those last two lines just made me so relieved that this would be brought up. This is quite possibly my favorite stanza.



The second line is a bit bland. Its like a fill-in. This is a nice ending from my thoughts.

Overall: Wow. This is a very good piece, but there are a few places that need a deal of work. But, its a lot better than most of what flows through here, and you know you agree.

I know you. You're a Deus Ex Machinan. Would you like someone to talk to, or would you rather people didn't post in your thread? I'm worried that people aren't going to read mine, although I only posted it a little while ago so they may yet ^_^ Anyway, I liked your examples on how to critique a lot. Where did you find the poems?

I suppose I really would like to keep excess posting down to a minimum in here -- sorry. These poem-critiques are from the Gaian 'zine or the Mound/Oasis. 3nodding Thanks.