Here goes....
xp I was raised in a single parent household in a very devout Christian setting. We always believed in God, my siblings and mother and I, but were not so big on organized religion itself. That means that we didn't go to church all of the time, weren't always on time, but we had family devotionals and communion on occasion. The fact that I grew up hearing about God, however, did not absolve me of a strong spirit of anger. I wasn't angry at God, but we'd moved a lot as a child, I had no father to speak of, and I had no friends, because after the first few moves I stopped making an effort, and began to hate everyone. I was going to move away from my friends anyways, and some of the people I just didn't understand. This anger spurned loathing and laughter from my classmates, until I was a centralized enemy that everyone could pick on, and no one would stand up for me. I began to fight with everyone (I'm a very stubborn person), until I finally began to hate myself for it. Then, when I was insulted, I just began to agree.
Then I was given a horrible class. All of the roughhousers and bullies in school were my math class. Not only was math my worst subject, but the teacher was a pushover in every way. It took her about two weeks or more of having someone act up in class, before they'd even have to go to the principal. There were paper airplanes and rubberbands always flying when her back was turned, people shoving papers off my desk and whispering at my back (or out load
rolleyes ) and it was a new personal hell. There was also someone I thought I was in love with in this class, who had just been told by others that I was some new form of retard. So, he began to pick on me too. Mind you, I started the animosity at this school, and I knew they were reacting back, but by the time I realized I'd made an enemy of everyone, it was too late. I was hated.
I was at this school for about two years. By the end of my first year there, I began to want to change it, but it's hard to do when you're still honestly angry at everything, and you cry yourself to sleep every other day.
Something eventually happened in my horrible math class. During a very crappy day, the boy that I'd liked began to become more and more horrible to me, until he was making a game of it. He would tell me I was pretty...ugly (haha), and things like that. Eventually I was tired of it, and I got the point, he didn't like me back. Well, this day walked over to me holding a pencil. Then he smiled and said, 'this is you.' and snapped it in half. I sort of snapped with it, and became inwardly outraged. The boys in class thought it was a good joke, but I was silent, and didn't say anything back, just stewed. until I got home. That's where I yelled out to God for help. I knew I had issues with my anger, and I also had problems with self worth. I wasn't really thinking about suicide, I'd thought about it when I was younger, nine or ten, and realized that it was just another way of giving up. So when I called out to God, I cried again, and determined that I wouldn't cry anymore, until the situation was resolved. From that point in my life, whenever I've been angry, I stop to pray about it. But that day, and the few weeks after, God did a great work in me, and everytime I'd pray I could feel myself calming down, and feeling his peace. Eventually, I had that same peace in class, and I became less amusing to make fun of. (This was also accelerated by the fact that I bit the kid who kept knocking papers off of my desk, but whatever...
wink )
By the next year, I was making friends and placing my troubles and identity issues on the cross, where they belong.
Thanks to all who've taken the time to read this insanely long post!!
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