I don't want to have to start over again.
I'm selfish and unworthy.
Yes it's true.
I'm mad at you for a simple reason.
You cared too much and I asked too much.
I wasn't suffocated.
Just overwhelmed.
I felt muffled and unheard.
I liked it that way until that night.
Something triggered my whirlwind of emotions.
I believe my family finally pushed all the right buttons.
Everything exploded in my face and I felt torn to the core.
It felt like shrapnel cut my face as I watched a horrible movie ending.
My blood turned to ice, my heart ceased, my eyes welled up with tears, and my breath got caught in my throat all at the same time.
I realized what a messed up family I had been dropped into.
I missed my chance to see my brother-in-law.
As well as my beloved niece and nephew.
Ah fate knows me well.
I was currently in another state at the time.
My sister however.
It's quite offical that she hates our family with a burning desire.
Oh how I wished I had been there to see them.
A pound of blood.
Brass knuckles with knife attachments.
A car with blood all over the seats.
An outfit covered in blood.
A possibility of death.
And me down on my knees screaming.
Crying for it to stop.
Why is my family like this?
I'm not quite sure.
I'm scared for everyone's safety now.
He knows where we live.
The cars we drive.
One has moved to another state.
It's quite possible he hit an artery.
Can I ask a simple question?
Why?
I'm utterly confused with my life.
I'm upset and confused.
I'm falling back on people who might just stab me in the back.
I'm falling back on people who tear me up when I think of them.
What an insteresting situation.
I'm disoriented and utterly shocked.
I'm feel at a stand still.
Normal objects and places feel alien to me.
I want to go to the hospital to visit him.
He's still not back.
He still can't walk.
He still can't move.
He still can't talk.
And I'm crying and wishing he could come back.
He's biological mother is tearing my mother apart.
She's trying to stay here.
Become part of their lives after she threw them to the curb so easily.
I'm confused with her as well.
To me she is nice.
But to my mother she's like the devil on earth.
I understand my step father is afraid of her.
But to let us go without food and money to live as he goes on vacation.
What is that?
I feel bad for my mother.
What a broken realtionship.
He married her so he could stay in the US.
Then dropped his kids on her.
He didn't even tell her he had kids till he was put in court for custody of them.
What a rotten trick.
It makes me laugh.
I remember nothing of my mother's and father's divorce till now.
I understand why I blocked it out so throughly.
As a child I spent hours crying.
Covering my ears from the yelling.
The cursing.
The hitting.
I wanted it to go away.
So I forgot it all.
But now I remember.
But why now?
I wish I had an answer.
Why now are things flowing back to me?
It feels like my mental dam has broken and I'm drowning in memories.
I miss my carefree childhood.
It's such a distant memory.
Clouded by the haunting memories of a time once forgotten.
What a interesting thing the mind is.
I'm so confused with myself and the way it thinks.
I remember fights, funerals, running away, and the late nights my sisters spent comforting a young girl about the age of six.
I remember watching my mother disipline them and disipling me.
I remember the bloody mess when my sister went through the glass door.
I remember hiding under the table covering my ears as my sisters and mother fought.
I remember when my father grabbed her throat and held her up against the wall.
I miss the days when I went to school happily.
When my parents smiled and waved at me as I got on the bus for the first time.
When they picked me up at school.
The finger painting pictures.
The badly drawn cards.
Making new friends that would soon fade away.
Remembering it all makes my face hot.
My throat dry and achey.
My eyes sting holding back all I can.
I don't understand why now.
Is it because of what is happening?
Will someone let me in on the secret?
Why did he even go there?
What on earth drove him to do such a thing?
Why in front of us?
Why in plain view?
Weren't we bad enough off already?!
Why is violence the way he dealt with that?
Here I am wondering all of these things as everyone continues their life like it didn't happen.
How can he seem so selfish and pig-headed in a time like this?
How can he still be such a leech?
Such a bossy iggnorant person?
How can we stand around like this?
I feel utterly worthless and helpless.
I feel left out in the open and stranded.
I feel tossed out of place.
I feel utterly and completely lost.
I'm confused still.
My brain thinks in fragments.
I find myself on the verge of tears all to often.
I'm not quite sure I'll ever understand.
Maybe I'm just tired.
Physically I'm not.
Mentally I'm completely dead.
And yet I'm still up thinking everything over.
Writing notes on my mental notepad.
Going back over my steps from the beginning.
All I've got to show for it though is the worry in my face and the saddness in my eyes.
Despite the way I force it.
I'm smiling empty.
I'm trying to understand but I keep coming to the same fork in the road. I'm going in circles and over analyzing things.
I'm about to rip my hair out and scream.
I don't understand my current situation and that's all I want to do.
I just want to understand.
