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 Posted: Sun Jul 09, 2006 10:20 pm
Allrighty, so my boyfriend and I have every intention of getting married if I do end up pregnant.
We are currently trying to get pregnant. Honestly, at any given time, I've got live sperm waiting for an egg. confused But for some reason am still not pregnant. Go figure.
Anyway. In the event that I do, in fact become pregant, what is the best way to go about telling my parents. HIs are no problem. The worst we could get is a 'oh really?' look from his dad and step mom and a 'oh' look from his mother and step father. Mine...well mine are difficult. Mom was raised catholic and believes in no sex before marriage, no exceptions, period. I am my dad's little princess. Dad will NOT be happy that this man has touched his 'little girl' (even though his little girl is pushing 20 adn trying to get in a good position to move out). I just don't want them to hate my boyfriend and act like he knocked me upa dn took my life away from me.
Technically, we are not financially ready for a child, but his dad is well off adn would be willing to help us out. My boyfriend is not the kind of man to just take money though. He works for everything he has and is willing to pick up an extra joba dn is currently looking at getting a better paying job soemtime soon (especially after the slap-in-the-face crappy kind of raise he just got at work). I myself and getting a promotion at the end of the summer. I have already spoken to a manager who confirmed it for me. Once all the seasonal people ahve left, I move up to full time and front office staff. (hopefully including a dollar or more pay increase).
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Posted: Sun Jul 09, 2006 11:09 pm
Since I'm in a situation similar to yours, I would say wait until you have the money (and the education if necessary) to have a baby. If this means going on birth control or abstaining from sex, perhaps that would be better for now.
Don't get me wrong, I can see where you're coming from. I'm stuck with maternal drives and really I think I'd like to be a mother at my age. But even with support from my family and my boyfriend's, I know it would still be hard. And even if his family is ok with me being pregnant at 19 or 20, I'm not sure mine would react the same way.
So while we have both agreed to deal with it if it comes up (and yes we've talked about how we'd deal with an unplanned pregnancy), we're using birth control and hoping that a pregnancy wouldn't happen until we're older, and have more money and education. I think I would owe it to my child to have some education and a fair amount of money saved up before we bring any offspring into the world.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:58 am
I can understand the whole 'daughter being daddies little princess' bit, though it's not to my dad. I don't even know him. I'm my grandad's little princess. And believe me, he couldn't believe I was pregnant until I as lying in a hospital bed with the baby in my arms. My grandparents are old fashioned on the whole 'no sex before marriage' thing, though they're not religious. My mum was great, she was a great help, and she had an inkling I was pregnant anyway with all the sickness feeling. So my real problem was telling my grandparents. My mum did that for me, and the first one she told was my grandad. He loves his great granddaughter, but he was shocked. It made him realise that I am growing up (though I was sixteen when I fell pregnant) and that I would eventually of started having sexual relations with my fiancee.
But in all honesty, you shouldn't worry. You're an adult, it's your life and your decision. And religious people aren't all that bad towards people who have children before marriage. No one in my family is religious, but I have a friend who was really happy for me (she's Mormon).
I will say this though, get yourself in a position where you will be financially stable to look after this child. I have very few qualifications, not going to go into why, and me and my partner are currently on benefits to get us by. It's a struggle. I plan on working soon, or as soon as my little town has a decent job going (it's not one for top quality places and jobs are rare. I've got another month before I can do bar work and even then it's not something I want to do, but will most likely have to). Get yourself financially stable, and if possible buy little bits here and there so you're not forking out a lot of money in one go once you are pregnant. Babies are expensive BEFORE they're born, let alone for at least 18 years of their life.
Wish you all the best of luck though, and I hope all goes well telling your parents when the time comes.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:05 am
I agree wait it out as long as you can........Babies make trying to be financially stable even harder. AN analogy for you trying to raise enough money to move out is like trying to climb up a big hill trying to raise enough when you have a little one is like climbing a mountain. I wish you luck.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 6:37 pm
I think the "daddy's little girl" image isn't going to be helped if you are going to rely on his father to provide for your child. Waiting till you are capable of being an adult to take care of your wants will probably help with the little princess role. Whatever happens, it is your life and I wouldn't be overly concerned with their reactions, because nothing will probably change that unless you're willing to show you are going to be an adult in adult situations.
Now, this might be because my husband is military, but there's the old adage, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Till you get that raise, I wouldn't count it as gospel. I think it's pretty admirable that your boyfriend wouldn't take the handout from his father and is wanting to have a child the responsible way and in a good relationship, you should respect that. I will say, you also run into potential legal problems if family is going to be the providers (and basically caregivers).
I am not trying to be harsh, but believe me I've been there done that. I understand the urge to have a child, I had to use my head and common sense to want the best for the child, not for me.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 8:41 pm
lunashock I think the "daddy's little girl" image isn't going to be helped if you are going to rely on his father to provide for your child. Waiting till you are capable of being an adult to take care of your wants will probably help with the little princess role. Whatever happens, it is your life and I wouldn't be overly concerned with their reactions, because nothing will probably change that unless you're willing to show you are going to be an adult in adult situations. Now, this might be because my husband is military, but there's the old adage, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Till you get that raise, I wouldn't count it as gospel. I think it's pretty admirable that your boyfriend wouldn't take the handout from his father and is wanting to have a child the responsible way and in a good relationship, you should respect that. I will say, you also run into potential legal problems if family is going to be the providers (and basically caregivers). I am not trying to be harsh, but believe me I've been there done that. I understand the urge to have a child, I had to use my head and common sense to want the best for the child, not for me. We're not going to rely on his father. His father will only help if he askes and Matt wouldn't do that unless he was in on heck of a pinch. That doesn't normally happen either, he's good at working things out. It's just if we fall on our faces, we know we'll be bale to get help if we can't pick ourselves up on our own. I do respect Matt for that. It's one thing I love about him. He is so self-reliant and strong in that regard. The Daddy's little girl thing is just how my dad sees me. He still can't get over how I look like a woman and not that little girl playing in the mud when i put on makeup or a nice dress. What i meant was he still doesn't really acknowledge the fact that I'm not 5 years old anymore. Not really anyway. As for the raise, I'm not counting on it, nor am I really expecting it. But Matt and I have loosely looked into best case and worst case scenarios as far as money goes. We fully expect things to be incredibly rough and very trying. I am ready to be an adult in an adult situation, but I know my parents won't see that. They have never believed me capable of making my own decisions and for a long time raised me fairly sheltered. That's what my problem is really, they don't treat me like I'm an adult at all. Not even a young adult. I'm mature enough for it but they never do. They insist on trying to hold my hand through everything. It's that which made me hide from them the fact that I went into debt for a few months until I was out of it and back on my feet. I realize they're just trying to be helpful, but it has made it so hard for them to let me do things on my own and it's been becoming suffocating. I've tried talking to them about it before, but they pull the 'you're still a child and don't understand anything yet and we're the parents' card on me everytime or they just won't listen. I know you're not trying to be harsh (and I'm really hoping I don't sound harsh in my response, because that's not my intention at all) and I do really appreciate your insight. Matt and I are trying to get ourselves financially ready, it's just hard and taking time. We both want a baby and we want everything for it. We know we probably won't be able to have everything, but we're going to make sure we can get everything it needs to give it a good home. Neither of us would settle for anything less than that.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 8:44 pm
wotfan I agree wait it out as long as you can........Babies make trying to be financially stable even harder. AN analogy for you trying to raise enough money to move out is like trying to climb up a big hill trying to raise enough when you have a little one is like climbing a mountain. I wish you luck. I know this. We really do expect things to be very, very hard. We aren't looking for a cake walk. That's why we're trying to get financially ready now, granted we're trying to have a baby now as well, we're also working harder to get prepared money-wise.
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 8:57 pm
Kyra_uk I can understand the whole 'daughter being daddies little princess' bit, though it's not to my dad. I don't even know him. I'm my grandad's little princess. And believe me, he couldn't believe I was pregnant until I as lying in a hospital bed with the baby in my arms. My grandparents are old fashioned on the whole 'no sex before marriage' thing, though they're not religious. My mum was great, she was a great help, and she had an inkling I was pregnant anyway with all the sickness feeling. So my real problem was telling my grandparents. My mum did that for me, and the first one she told was my grandad. He loves his great granddaughter, but he was shocked. It made him realise that I am growing up (though I was sixteen when I fell pregnant) and that I would eventually of started having sexual relations with my fiancee. But in all honesty, you shouldn't worry. You're an adult, it's your life and your decision. And religious people aren't all that bad towards people who have children before marriage. No one in my family is religious, but I have a friend who was really happy for me (she's Mormon). I will say this though, get yourself in a position where you will be financially stable to look after this child. I have very few qualifications, not going to go into why, and me and my partner are currently on benefits to get us by. It's a struggle. I plan on working soon, or as soon as my little town has a decent job going (it's not one for top quality places and jobs are rare. I've got another month before I can do bar work and even then it's not something I want to do, but will most likely have to). Get yourself financially stable, and if possible buy little bits here and there so you're not forking out a lot of money in one go once you are pregnant. Babies are expensive BEFORE they're born, let alone for at least 18 years of their life. Wish you all the best of luck though, and I hope all goes well telling your parents when the time comes. I think my father might be the same way, in that disbelief right up until he has a grandchild when it happens. Like I've said already, we're doing our very best to become financially ready for a child. If we don't have a cushion by the time I become pregnant, we're going to apply for WIC and I can also pick up a little extra help from the company i work for (They have a program that last for the first 2 years of the child's life where they send you free books on parenting and very generous coupons on expensive baby items like formula and diapers and such. then after that one, they have another that also helps but is for children 4-6) I do like the idea of beginning to collect things and in a way we already have. But the things we've got now are more for baby's entertainment than for needs. We are going to have to start looking into the need ones instead i think. wink I do hope you can get the job you're needing. If you don't mind my asking, about how much do things cost you now and how much are the benefits helping out? How old is your child?
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:07 pm
Nikolita Since I'm in a situation similar to yours, I would say wait until you have the money (and the education if necessary) to have a baby. If this means going on birth control or abstaining from sex, perhaps that would be better for now. Don't get me wrong, I can see where you're coming from. I'm stuck with maternal drives and really I think I'd like to be a mother at my age. But even with support from my family and my boyfriend's, I know it would still be hard. And even if his family is ok with me being pregnant at 19 or 20, I'm not sure mine would react the same way. So while we have both agreed to deal with it if it comes up (and yes we've talked about how we'd deal with an unplanned pregnancy), we're using birth control and hoping that a pregnancy wouldn't happen until we're older, and have more money and education. I think I would owe it to my child to have some education and a fair amount of money saved up before we bring any offspring into the world. I'm already out of highschool with no intention of going to college (I went through too much crap with my highschool to even try applying to college again). Matt has already finished everything he needs but is currently looking at getting into fireschool. He does not, however, believe he'll get in because of his chest and his eyesight. Matt had serious reconstruction on his chest when he was a freshman in highschool and he also has an irregular heartbeat. He also has the most horrible vision. If he takes out his contacts or takes off his glasses, he may as well just be blind. The world is a blur for him. These were two things that turned the military off for him when he went to join. His vision was the main reason he was turned down. We're currently working on finances now. Its going to take some time though. We know we can't live on love alone. Matt's looking at picking up that extra job. He's going on vacation here soon and is looking for a part time job that he can start now to get some money. He has paid vacation and all so he'll be able to save up quite a bit, expecially when he picks up that second job.
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Posted: Tue Jul 11, 2006 11:29 pm
-[identity][crisis]- Nikolita Since I'm in a situation similar to yours, I would say wait until you have the money (and the education if necessary) to have a baby. If this means going on birth control or abstaining from sex, perhaps that would be better for now. Don't get me wrong, I can see where you're coming from. I'm stuck with maternal drives and really I think I'd like to be a mother at my age. But even with support from my family and my boyfriend's, I know it would still be hard. And even if his family is ok with me being pregnant at 19 or 20, I'm not sure mine would react the same way. So while we have both agreed to deal with it if it comes up (and yes we've talked about how we'd deal with an unplanned pregnancy), we're using birth control and hoping that a pregnancy wouldn't happen until we're older, and have more money and education. I think I would owe it to my child to have some education and a fair amount of money saved up before we bring any offspring into the world. I'm already out of highschool with no intention of going to college (I went through too much crap with my highschool to even try applying to college again). Matt has already finished everything he needs but is currently looking at getting into fireschool. He does not, however, believe he'll get in because of his chest and his eyesight. Matt had serious reconstruction on his chest when he was a freshman in highschool and he also has an irregular heartbeat. He also has the most horrible vision. If he takes out his contacts or takes off his glasses, he may as well just be blind. The world is a blur for him. These were two things that turned the military off for him when he went to join. His vision was the main reason he was turned down. We're currently working on finances now. Its going to take some time though. We know we can't live on love alone. Matt's looking at picking up that extra job. He's going on vacation here soon and is looking for a part time job that he can start now to get some money. He has paid vacation and all so he'll be able to save up quite a bit, expecially when he picks up that second job. I wasn't expecting a reply to my post, no worries. We've already met through PM's. smile I guess what I don't understand is why you aren't going to bother getting at least a little post-secondary education. Whatever job you have now, is it something you'd want to spend the rest of your life doing? And if Matt is the one making all the money, are you willing to be reliant on him (if necessary) for things for the baby, and for what the two of you need? What about any unexpected financial problems that might arise from one of you being unemployed, or Matt not being able tog et into fireschool, etc? Even getting a small 2 year degree would look better than having just a standard high school education, and it might come back to bite you in the butt later on in life. Are you willing to risk being limited in future career oppurtunities because you aren't willing to get any post-secondary education, or because you're not willing to pay for it? I mean, even though I'm taking a year off now, I have a year of college education under my belt, and 2/3 of another year. I would like to get a small 2 year degree of some sort when I go back to school in fall 2007, and from there I'd like to go on to get a BA in something. While my college education has been paid for by a trust fund up until now, I know full well I'll be putting myself through college and university soon enough. But again, that's just me.
Lastly, if you can't even afford registration fees for colleges and universities, let alone the tuition itself, how are you going to find the money to provide for a child, even with help from Matt's father? Not to mention any hidden fees that might not be covered by insurance, like medical emergencies, doctor's bills, hospital bills, etc. I know you've said repeatedly that you're ready to be an adult in an adult situation, but from what I've seen you post, I personally don't see how you're being an adult by being financially unprepared for a child, and by the two of you willingly going through financial hardship during a pregnancy and then later with a baby. That doesn't seem like a smart thing to be doing, and no offense meant, it comes across as being sort of selfish. It doesn't seem like you'd be thinking of what's best for your future child. Not to mention that going through financial hardship/job changes while being pregnant (and then later on with a baby) might affect your relationship with Matt. Logic would tell most people that they should get as prepared as possible before getting pregnant and having a baby. If the unexpected happens then it happens, but it seems foolish to me to willingly put yourselves through so much when a lot of it could be avoided by waiting a year or two, and acquiring more money and education in the mean time.
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Posted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 3:50 pm
Hey, in case you're looking for some "free" education, and you have a pretty good GPA coming in, you can check out the JC that I went to.
If you qualify (if your GPA is over 3.0), then you can get something called the Doyle scholarship at SRJC, which basically cuts out to you like a check. It paid for all my schooling and the teachers were amazing.
Plus, they have daycare facilities that, I think, are part of the program, so you could possibly work to get a licence to do daycare and make a little money on the side (while also being able to stay home with your kid and introduce him/her to other children).
check out the school here: www.santarosa.edu
Good luck!
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 9:02 am
Just for the record, I have no intentions of going to college. I can't afford it because I refuse to take out loans and I'm tired of getting the financial aid papers. I'm also very tired of people pushing school at me, that's another reason I'm not going. That's one of the main reasons I stopped applying beyond the fact of money.
Also, we did just a get a fairly decent break for finanaces.
The job I have now is perfectly for me, and I am moving up into management. When i get to the point of actually being able to enter a management position I'll have the option to either take it or go into a seasonal position while my company pays for me to take management classes. That is the only way i'll be going back into school.
I will be getting a raise once I get to front service. That has been confirmed. It'll bring me up to just below 9 dollars an hour. Matt was just given a promotion at work, putting him up to 10 dollars an hour. (apparently they gave him a crappy raise on purpose so that he'd still get a raise, plus a one year bonus and then his new promotion, that's not counting recent holiday and vacation pay he just recieved as well)
Most of what we're making has been going into a savings account. We're not being chldish or selfish. We really are trying. We want this to work. We want a child together. We want to give it everything, but we'd also like to raise a good person. We were btoh raised fairly poor at young ages. His family became well off when him and his older brother where about nine or ten. My family didn't get that way until about two years ago. We're good about money. I mean, we know how to stretch thinsg adn make things work. I grew up doing it and Matt's mother taught him how to do it. Matt's doing it now in order to save more.
Besides, how many people are ever really prepared for a child? We're trying to become as ready as possible before I become pregnant. We're also trying to become pregnant at the same time.
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 10:43 pm
Ok I can definatley relate to what you are dealing with because Im 19 and im getting married next week and we had unprotected sex and so I took a pregnancy test and it was positive so yeah.We are financally ready because My boyfriend has a reallly good paying job and he brings in about 1,000 or so a week.So overall I think we are ready for this.
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Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 2:57 pm
I know that what I'm going to say may make you think, "She wouldn't know", (I'm fourteen), but I think you are making a mistake.
First, I will tell you that from what I've read here, you are not financially ready for a child. Nine and ten dollars an hour is a bit over minimum wage. That is a small income to be having a child.
Secondly, I would highly suggest reconsidering you decision not to go to college. I know that it sounds like so much extra work, but it would make you more qualified for a job with good pay. When you get a better job, you will be more ready for a child.
Third, I'd suggest trying to go the distance with your boyfriends. Illigitament children are just not a good idea.
Finally, I think that even if you ignore my other advice, you should wait. At 20, you are too young, in my opinion to have a child. I can understand maternal urges (hell, I'm fourteen, and I have maternal urges), but I'd advise you to wait. I don't know about you, but the average 20-year-old female is not ready for a child anytime soon.
I hope you can understand my view point, as a fourteen year old virgin, and take what I say into consideration.
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Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 4:10 pm
I understand your frustration with your parents, but trying to get pregnant at the same time as saving up for when you're parents, is not something I would do, personally. I am trying very hard to get ready and set up my own life before I participate in the creation of another. If I were you, speculatively speaking, as you've decided to marry him, I'd tell my parents we're engaged. I'd then move out with him and get a morgage under way, furnish the place, have the wedding, and THEN try for a child.
I mean no offence when I say this, but it seems like your frustration with your parents is so great that you feel getting pregnant is trying to force them to accept you marrying and moving into an adult existence.
You say you've taken into account how hard it will be. That being said, WHY would you do it that way, when you don't have to?
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