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 Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:29 pm
This is a poem I just wrote I think it is okay...
I dont know...
No face
I have no face.
I have no breath.
I have no name.
I have no face
Just want to be noticed
but I am a shadow in a dark room.
non exisitent, not there
I walk by so why cant any one see
what I am and what I am meant to be
I walk with no reflection.
An ant in the sea.
Maybe I am invisable.
Or maybe theres no space for me.
Cast into the darkness I walk alone no light in my hand
just a blindfold of steel in which I cant see.
go ahead spill it....
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:38 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:40 pm
Heyhe. Be patient. We only have 40 something members, most of whom are offline. And personally, I didn't like your poem. Its very overdone with overdone phrases and suck.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:46 pm
Why thank you!
Your opinion counts
*smiles*
Thank u
It comes from my point of view...
just remeber that.
How does that person feel when they wrote this?
That is the intresting thing about reading someones poem.
Its a chunk of there souls spills on a piece of paper...
*smiles*
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:46 pm
nyx-thanato And personally, I didn't like your poem. Its very overdone with overdone phrases and suck. Whoa, . O_O Critique is good but that's about as close to flaming as I've seen on this board so far. On the poem: I agree that it feels overdone, but I liked it (and it's syntax) until the vampire reference, because I felt it could go somewhere different and still be non-cliche up until that moment. Take out the vampire and concentrate on imagery and I think you'll have a pretty decent poem.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:49 pm
The_Robin nyx-thanato And personally, I didn't like your poem. Its very overdone with overdone phrases and suck. Whoa, . O_O Critique is good but that's about as close to flaming as I've seen on this board so far. On the poem: I agree that it feels overdone, but I liked it (and it's syntax) until the vampire reference, because I felt it could go somewhere different and still be non-cliche up until that moment. Take out the vampire and concentrate on imagery and I think you'll have a pretty decent poem. Thank you I will start to try different things to poems Sorry I didn't do so well... *smiles.* Thank you very much I love when people tells me things like that it makes me learn more...
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 2:02 pm
girly88 This is a poem I just wrote I think it is okay... I dont know... No face I have no face. I have no breath. I have no name. I have no face Just want to be noticed but I am a shadow in a dark room. non exisitent, not there I walk by so why cant any one see what I am and what I am meant to be I walk with no reflection. An ant in the sea. Maybe I am invisable. Or maybe theres no space for me. Cast into the darkness I walk alone no light in my hand just a blindfold of steel in which I cant see. go ahead spill it.... Is that better? I saw the problem when you said it. Your right it is a decent poem without that part..
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2004 2:11 pm
In your revised version... *ponders* Which is nice, actually, the imagery sort of clashes. Well, not so much clashes as seems to be pulling in different ideas all under the same roof of invisiblility.
Perhaps if you stick to one image theme, it would be more forceful. For instance:
The ant and the sea metaphor brings in the idea of smallness, when before you'd been speaking about shadow, invisibility, and loss of individuality. While the idea that you're one alone, insignifigant within a larger space, while connected to the idea of being faceless in a crowd is just different enough to throw the reader off. (( At least me. wink ))
The rest also mix together many different ideas that, in such a short poem, are a little bit discombobulating. ^^ I do like the beginning, however.
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Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2004 7:49 pm
The_Robin nyx-thanato And personally, I didn't like your poem. Its very overdone with overdone phrases and suck. Whoa, . O_O Critique is good but that's about as close to flaming as I've seen on this board so far. Lalala. *sings the "It's Not Flaming, It's Critique" song*
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Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 6:43 am
nyx-thanato Heyhe. Be patient. We only have 40 something members, most of whom are offline. And personally, I didn't like your poem. Its very overdone with overdone phrases and suck. Lol That okay I will under line flaming and critique! Critique is in green Flaming or close to it in red! 3nodding *hums until it sleeps by Metallica.*
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Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 10:02 am
girly88 nyx-thanato Heyhe. Be patient. We only have 40 something members, most of whom are offline. And personally, I didn't like your poem. Its very overdone with overdone phrases and suck. Lol That okay I will under line flaming and critique! Critique is in green Flaming or close to it in red! 3nodding *hums until it sleeps by Metallica.* not flaming. sad
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Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2004 11:52 am
Alright, There is no serious flaming in this critique it just seems like the way she writen it was to be flaming.
Just my opinion.
*whistles master of puppets.*
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