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ok. here I go.

There's a guy who reeeeally needs to take a dump. So he runs into a local club. all he can see is the bar, people, and a stari case, no bathrooms. So, figuring they may be upstairs, he runs up there, walks into a room, and sees nothing but a hole. Thinking it may just be the base plumbing, he does his business, and walks back downstairs. Getting there, he sees the place is empty, except for the bar tender. Walking over he asks "Where'd everyone go?" bar tender say "Weren't you here when the s**t hit the fan?"

You are?? When did this happen?? >_O

Any way. xd


Once there was a man who always fell asleep during church. His wife tried and tried to keep him awake, but nothing would work. So one day, as a last resort, she took him to a hypnotist. The Hypnotist examined her husband, with an unsure look on his face. Finally he came up with a solution. He handed the wife a pencil.

"All you need to do is poke him with this pencil when he falls asleep, and eventually he will cease to do it at all." Said the Hypnotist.

The wife thanked him, and was on her way.

The next Sunday the Wife and her Husband went to church. During the Cermon, the man fell asleep again.

Preacher: "Who created all existance??"
Wife: *poke*
Man: *jumping up* "GOD!!"

Preacher: "Who died for our sins??"
Wife: *poke*
Man: *jumping up* JESUS!!!!

Preacher: "What did Eve say to Adam after they had their nine hundred and thirty first baby??"
Wife: *poke*
Man: *Jumping up* "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll snap it in half!!!"

Alright now I know people are against it and think it is a bad thing and everything but I was smoking with my friends one time and we were high as s**t I will tell you what. Well he took one look at me and he said "Guys look at this kid he looks like a freaking rodent" and I was like what the f***. And all of a sudden he yells out "KILL THE RODENT" and freaking pushes me into a damn pricker bush xd

http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/index.php?mode=view&u=59085


Losarn's journal, He's a good friend of mine and he posts the funniest crap whee xd blaugh domokun surprised

Yes, I got them!! These are the worst things to say to a police officer when you're pulled over:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer...
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
9. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops?"
10. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
11. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
12. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
14. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
15. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
16. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
17. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
18. Hey, can you give me another one of those body cavity searches?


My favorite is 16 xd

*finds this incredibly funny!!! xp

Drags this one over from another guild: Dislexic satanists sell their soul to SANTA!!!!!

Aaaaanyhow...my roomie told me this one:

(I apologize in advance to anyone who is Catholic.)

A traveling salesman was driving down a lonely stretch of road in the middle of nowhere with only the occasional billboard signs to keep him company. While most of them contained the usual "Eat at Joes" or "Have a Coke!" slogans, one sign he passed made him blink. It read:
Sisters of Saint Francis Holy Church and Brothel - 3 miles

At first the driver thought that eye strain from his long hours behind the wheel had caused him to misread the sign, but about a mile later, low and behold another sign loomed. This one read:
Sisters of Saint Francis Holy Church and Brothel - 2 miles

At this point the poor guy is thinking this is either some sick joke or some excellent graffiti. I mean a church /and/ a house of prostitution? Run by nuns? It just can't be! Yet not ten minutes later, another sign appears:
Sisters of Saint Francis Holy Church and Brothel - 1 Mile (Exit 30)

A thought had been simmering in the man's head for some time now and that last sign crystallized it. He didn't have any reason to rush to the next town, he had some money in his pocket and he wasn't married. He would pay a visit to the sisters and get the real scoop on the signs...and maybe something else too if they were legit. eek

So...exit 30 arrives and the man takes the off ramp. As the exit becomes an intersection, a new sign greets his amazed eyes:
Sisters of Saint Francis Holy Church and Brothel - Next Right

A short drive and one right turn later, he is pulling into a parking lot in front of a large, cathedral-like church, all stone and spires. The sign on the door reads (you guessed it):
Sisters of Saint Francis Holy Church and Brothel-For Service Ring Bell

An old woman in a nun's habit comes to the door when he rings the bell and gives the man a smile. "How may I help you my son?"

"I...er...well, the sign says this is a church and a...er..." The man replies, turning more and more red by the minute.

"Ahh...I understand. Please, come inside and follow me," the old nun remarks without a qualm and stands aside to let him enter.

Once inside, the nun leads him down corridor after corridor for what feels like a good 20 minutes. With so many twists and turns, the man's sense of direction becomes hopelessly muddled. Luckily, the nun finally stops at a wooden door then turns to him.

"Step into this corridor, my son, and place fifty dollars into the bowl on the table. Once you have done so, walk through the other door and you will have what you came for."

Swallowing hard, the man does as instructed. He enters the corridor, fifty dollars in his sweaty palm. The table is there, as the nun had indicated it would be, so he places the money in the wooden bowl atop it and rushes to the other end. When he moves through that door, however, he find himself outside, staring at the far end of the parking lot. By now the door behind him has been swung shut and locked. On the door, to his chagrin, is the following sign:

Go in peace, my child. You have just been scr*w*d by the Sisters of Saint Francis

this is really old but i like it

ok so this guy walks to a really tall hotel and at the top floor is a bar, so he enters the bar and sees a man and the bartender. the man orders his drink and turns to the guy next to him and says "wow you look incredibly bored, what do you feel like doing?" the man replys "lets jump out the window!". the man in amazment says " are you crazy?! you'll die" the man replies calmly "no really! if you jump out the window, by the time you reach the 10th floor a strong wind will come and blow you to the 11th floor window!" the guy goes "no way.. your joking" so to prove it the man jumps out the window and sure enough a while later he comes up using the elevator and walks out smiling. the man was speechless he didnt believe it "no way do it a again". sure enough he did it again. the guy goes "oh what the heck if he can do it i can" so the man jumps out and hits the pavement. few seconds later when the amulance comes the bartender turns to the guy and says "you know super man, you can be a real jerk when your drunk!"