New Member, looking for Ego trip and Helpful comments! | Page 1 | Author's Corner - Dump your mind here! | Guild Forums

Jared LeFoor

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Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:33 pm

My Deviant Page

http://russellk.deviantart.com/

Hey guys, I just joined the Guild and look forwards to some half decent RP time on the PC, (It's my gf's and the only time she isn't on it is when she's asleep eek )

Anyway, I want to be a writer and I'm going to use my Deviant page to post the first chapter of each one of my books, just to give people a taster of my work.
So please comment, if not to boost my ego, then to boost my writing ability biggrin

P.S. To any keen artists out there, I'm always fond to see how people depict my charecters wink

P.S.S. I am dislexic, please don't point out spelling or grammer errors, I'm well aware of them, even the subtle change of balconey to baloney xp

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 6:00 pm

Eh, average. Good motivation, but it needs some work. Sorry, no ego boosting here. An ego is an evil thing. It makes people think more of themsleves than they are, eventually leading them to a great fall. 'Tis sad.

Yoder

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Jared LeFoor

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Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:59 am

Yoder

Eh, average. Good motivation, but it needs some work. Sorry, no ego boosting here. An ego is an evil thing. It makes people think more of themsleves than they are, eventually leading them to a great fall. 'Tis sad.

Das cool, what would you say needs work? The more direct the comment the better biggrin

Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 3:51 pm

Well, ou use a lot of extra phrases that could be eliminated. I am guessing that they are put there to add to length.

Here's a basic example of what I'm trying to say:

That information could not be communicated if there were no messangers.
This could be better written:
That information could not communicate without messangers.

I hope you get what I mean.

Yoder

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