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Eternally Tired

PostPosted: Wed May 31, 2006 8:28 pm


[ Message temporarily off-line ]
PostPosted: Wed May 31, 2006 8:35 pm


Chapter 10:
I saw before me two golden eyes. It stood before me sniffing at my body. The room around me was dark and I could smell the mold growing off the floor. The air was cold and I could not feel my body.
Two pale female hands came into view and they pulled a black fabric around my body. As she wrapped the bundle around me, she lifted me up and I saw around the area I was in black feathers all around the dark floor.
The woman handed me to the wolf. I heard him whine and then we moved out of the building, by the stairs and the out the front door. The sky was dark and the moon was hidden behind the few clouds. I could feel the rhythmic beats of the wolf's steps; we were running towards the woods. Beside him was the familiar black onyx sphere, there was a slight glow to it tonight, as if it was the angel that protected us all. My mind calmed, as I feel asleep in the bundle of silk I laid in.
I woke up in on a stone floor. The mold that grew on the floor reeked in the air. My body was weak. Not only had I not eaten, but also my dead blood that flowed through my veins was low. My eyes strained to see where I was. There was no light that glowed in this room and by the feel of the floor; it felt that it was not a room used too often. I crawled as to find anything in the room that I could use as support and I found steel bars.
Suddenly I heard a door shut and small footsteps down some stairs. A faint light came from a lantern carried by a small person only two feet tall. His face was child-like but his body was round and pudgy. He was a trite; it was definite to see in his body features. He came closer to my cell and placed the lantern on the ground. He looked at me with his sad eyes. "Raven?" he whispered.
"Yes," I replied. "Where am I?"
"My Lord's dungeons," he replied. He pulled a large bottle that looked like red wine out of his pocket. He unscrewed it and the smell flooded my senses. "Drink this."
I grabbed the bottle and stuck in my mouth. The blood was warm and I could sense the power emanating from it. I drank it until the last drop was gone. I took the bottle and gave it back to him. "Where did you get it?" I asked.
"When Krishna gets particularly angry he will send one of us to kill the person who did it. When he sent me I knew you were down here and instead of killing him and wasting the blood, I knew you would need it. He was a vampyre. A strong one, but a stupid one. By the way, my name is Derek; Aretha has been in contact with me for several months. I know what's going on and I am glad you are helping us out too."
"Oh you're welcome," I said. My energy was slowly returning and so I was climbing to my feet. Blood stained my shoulders; my skin was even paler than usual.
"Aretha and everyone at your castle saw what happened. They said that they have chained the traitor and are on their way. They told me to inform you that you need to wait two days, don't do anything that they wouldn't do."
I thought about what had happen hours ago, what I had seen. Then I remembered the tiger's eye. The device that I still wore around my neck, the same device that Craig wore around his neck. I could not understand how I did not see it. Still in the back of my mind, I could not raise any idea of why Craig would betray me. If it was for power, he was as strong as I was, which meant that he was stronger than Krishna and so on.
"I have to go ma'am, but I will be back in two hours. You need your strength," Derek said as he turned and began to leave.
"Wait! I read about a sword not to long ago. Krishna owns it. Do you know where it is?" I asked.
"My Lord keeps no swords in the castle. None that have been seen, and I know this castle from front to back, each hallway, and secret passage," he said and then he quickly left the room, leaving the lantern behind.
I sat back down with my back to the steel bars. I looked around the cell and watched as I saw small rats move around the corners of the of the cells, through the steel bars. I could hear their small heart beats racing, pumping their small amount of blood through out their hairy, diseased filled body. Every once and a while one would look over and sniff but turn and go its way.
I looked to the cell beside me and saw a form of a body in the corner, as I looked closer, I noticed that it was no body at all, it was only a skeleton of one. The clothing was torn and bits of it lay on the floor. Blond hair seemed to be stuck on to the skull of the body. The skeleton made me think of whom it was and what it had done to be stuck in this dungeon.
My body was still weak, and the lack of energy made me tired. I slid from the bars so that I was on the floor and my eyes were toward the ceiling. I closed them and thought of ways that I could escape from this place.
From my chest, I felt a warmness. I reached up and felt the tiger's eye heat up. I quickly took it off and placed it on the ground before me as I sat up. Like Krishna's in the fire, the tiger's eye before me floated off the ground and it glowed until it lit the whole room. I could see everything clearly, the mold, the skeleton, and the stairs that led out of the dungeon.
I looked back to the tiger's eye, which was now a large glowing orb. "Raven?" a voice echoed out of it, "Can you hear me?"
"Yes," I said. Slowly a picture began to form from it. I saw Ringu, Corin, and Samuel standing in the parlor, behind them was Craig. He was tied in a chair. He looked at me, his eyes were apologetic and full of sadness.
"Raven, we apologize for sending you there. Onyx and Isaiah are on their way. Onyx has informed us that she knows several secret passages into the castle. Aretha has informed us that you are being helped by the trites there, which is good news to us. It is a good thing that he did not realize you had this on you. We have taken Craig's and destroyed it. We still don't know how he came to have it," Ringu explained.
"I gave it to him when we first arrived. It was to shield him from mortal views. After we arrived I thought he had gotten rid of it, but I see he had different plans," I watched Craig shake his head violently, "I didn't know!" he yelled.
Samuel turned and said, "Tacet." Craig's mouth was moving but no sound came. Samuel turned back, "Your brother and Onyx should arrive sometime tomorrow. They will find you don't worry."
"I'm not. Just keep things going. We need to change a few things, but we should still be good," I said smiling. "Samuel, I know that your coven is highly experienced in weaponry. There is a book on my desk in the library. In the book is a description of a sword called 'The sword of many uses' or something on those lines; I was wondering if your coven and the Archers around the world could create a mass supply of those. They are very important to our strategy to win this war of the SNFA."
"Yes," Samuel said. "Well, it is good to see that you are all right. We must go know. We don't want you being in more danger than you are now."
With that, the tiger's eye dimmed and fell to the floor. The sound of the stone hitting the ground echoed through out the dungeon. Just as it stopped the door opened, the footsteps hitting the steps were loud and heavy. It was not Derek, I turned and saw Krishna standing there smirking.

He walked over to my cell and unlocked the door. "Come with me," he said.
I got up and followed him as he walked up the stairs. We came out into the kitchen. Dozens of creatures were making their rounds, whether it was the refrigerator or a map on the wall. I saw the different vampyres, who smirked as I walked by, and quite a few sprites and trolls. We made our way out of there and out into the library. Behind me, he closed the door, and then he went to his couch and sat.
He looked at me and smirked, "Give me that tiger's eye." He pointed at my pocket where I had put it.
I pulled it out and threw it at him. He caught it and in one move, he crushed it. I watched as the pieces fell to the floor. "Now, for your punishment."
He got up, went to the window, and opened the curtains. He moved so that the sun would not hit his body. From his pockets, he pulled a pair of dark sunglasses.
The sun glared into my eyes and warmed my body. I smiled to see it after the dark dungeon. I looked at him as he stayed away from the rays of the sun. He looked over behind his desk, "Olivia," he called.
Behind his desk, a young pale girl with black. The face was so familiar, then I remembered, it was the girl from so many years ago. It was the same girl that blessed my brother and me. "How?" I asked Krishna.
"I found her, and I was hungry and you had already left me. So I took her, she was my new companion. She returned upon hearing the attack that will soon begin. She is strong. Not only is she strong, but she is a sorceress, stronger than any of those coven members you keep under your roof. And just for you she is going to show you one of her more powerful spells that she has just perfected," he said wittingly. "Go ahead Olivia."
I watched as Olivia moved her pale hands. The white angelic dress she wore began to move as if an invisible wind was blowing towards her. Between her tiny palms, a small black ball formed, soon it was the size of a baseball. She looked at me, no longer were her eyes green, but instead they were pure black. An evil grin took over her innocent smile. "Lumen Naturale non," she said loudly. In poor English, it meant "Natural Light No."
She stopped her hands and the black ball was released from her hands. It flew and hit me in my stomach. My whole body felt pain. I took a glimpse at the sun, and felt my body begin to burn. Without thinking, I began to change into my raven form. I changed but the sun was still burning. The burning never stopped until Krishna shut the curtains. "Olivia take this wretched bird back to the dungeon," he said.
I watched as she walked over and grabbed my body violently. Before I knew it, I was back in the dungeon locked in my cell. My energy was depleted and I could not change back into my normal form. I sat floor and fell asleep.
I was woke from my sleep by being tossed around. Minutes later, I found myself wrapped in a silk cloth, and I was outside in the dark being carried by a wolf and beside him was a black onyx sphere. --Onyx? Isaiah?- - I asked weakly. I could feel my life draining from me.
--Raven get your whole body in that cloth, the light from the moon,-- the female voice sounded panicky. --Isaiah, we have to hurry from this valley so we can just transport ourselves with our power. If she does not get in the dark soon, we are going to lose her.--

Eternally Tired



Yoder


Invisible Phantom

10,775 Points
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Perfect Attendance 400
  • Tycoon 200
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 5:55 am


All right, I'll comment on the first one for now and get back to you on the second one:

Al in all, it seems to be a classic vampire story, but well structured with proper grammar adn spelling, along with a secretive storyline that has you wondering "what next?".

Quote:
Onyx appeared on the building, four stories above the heated nightlife. She knew nothing about where she was at, except she was sent there, to search, remember and return home, with an extra bonus of a foreign dinner.


Proper english would say that the word "there" in line 2 should be "here". She is already at this place, so the thought would be expressed as here and not there.

Quote:
By the time, Onyx figured out what to do, she was watching CJ walk out of the bar. She down the drink and got up to follow, forgetting her previous prey. She followed his faint scent, trying not to lose him.


She "downed' the frink. It is improperto mix two tenses of verbs unless there are two sepaarte actions in time, which, in this case, there aren't.

Quote:
Onyx sat at the bar and finished her drink. Sitting back, she yawned. She did not find anything, nor had she fed. Thinking of the two facts, she left the bar a bit frustrated. Stepping outside, she immediately felt eyes on her. She looked to the bar's roof and saw a man sitting there. She concentrated and then found herself standing on the roof before him. Looking him over she recognized him; it was the man she first saw and the man she was following, but his scent was different. She folded her arms and smirked, a bit of her fangs showing, 'Maybe I will get my dinner,' her thoughts called out.


In the middle of this section, you said "She concentrated and found herself standing on the roof before him.". What does that mean. What action took place on either part to allow her to suddenly teleport? I think it needs clearer explanation.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 12:20 pm


Thank you Yoder, and thank you especially for the critiques. God this stuff is so old, like a year but still I think I may add onto that first one a bit more

The second one I am kinda at a Block I know what has to happen but I can't see how it is going to happen. Figures I am on chapter 13 too heh heh.

Eternally Tired



Yoder


Invisible Phantom

10,775 Points
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Perfect Attendance 400
  • Tycoon 200
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 3:19 pm


Oh, it's no problem at all. I enjoy it actually! That selection was very interesting. I do hope you add on, because I would like to see how it continues.

I haven't read the second one, but I will soon. From my preliminary skimming, its looks good, as well. I would very much like to see all 13 chapters. If you can tell me your problem with your block, I might be able to help. I'd be happy to do so.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 7:00 pm


All the chapters and a few of my other works can be found at >> here <<

I do have to warn you though, the first few chapters over VC are .... crap i am working on refurnishing them

Eternally Tired



Yoder


Invisible Phantom

10,775 Points
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Perfect Attendance 400
  • Tycoon 200
PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 6:52 pm


All right, thanks. I probably get a chance to read them tomorrow or Monday.
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