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 Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 7:21 pm
We're close enough to split bones
and share them-
only in distance, or the lack of it.
Maybe our skins rub in line
for our very first time
at the DMV,
but that doesn't keep
doorstep bouquets in water.
What's going on is
I'm dancing with broomsticks,
painted with faces.
They have your nose, you know,
but my sort of muttering voice
that changes the topic
to your you is so beautiful.
Dammit it sucks, I swear to you. It's not done yet, s'for Pi's contest. To be filed under 'Songs of Longing.' Meant to be sung by a chorus. So. Help. Suckage.
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Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:38 pm
I'll try to help, but I'm not the best.
The main problems seem to be that:
A) It has no definate flow. Chorus is still singing which makes this a song, and all songs have some sort of flow to them.
B) I can't figure out what exactly you're talking about. I read this for the fourth time and figured that it was about someone meeting another person and falling in love. This is only a guess, though. In most songs, if you listen to the words and think about it for a minute you can figure out for the most part what they're talking about. Even Bjork.
If you're going to try and go for the 'deeper meaning' or something of that sort, you have to be extremely clever. Then again, you should know this as a poet.
Some good examples of songs with multiple/deeper meanings:
Insanity by Oingo Boingo
The Boy With The Bubblegun by Tom McRae
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