Welcome to Gaia! ::

Here's a look into what's going on with me:

1) Two years ago (I'm almost 16), I moved away from all of my friends, I was so sad, I didn't try to make new friends and I kept very quiet and thought about my friends everyday. Last year, it got better and I decided that, given the choice, I'd rather saty here for the sake of my grades. I slowly drifted away from my friends and I've been drifting further away to the point where I hardly ever call any of them.

2) I now have a great boyfriend and we've been going out for over nine months. I almost broke up with him because he sometimes makes me sad by digging deeper into my problems, especially the ones that really get to me like my terrible relationship with my best friend as a result of moving away from her. I feel as though our friendship is hanging by a thread, and it kills me. I feel like it's my fault for staying here of my own accord and never talking to her. (She became depressed when I left.) My boyfriend says that it's not my fault and tries to cheer me up about that and many other things.

3) On top of that, my parents' relationship has been terrible for the past five years or so and they got devorced after a few years of seperation. I am actually quite happy with the fact that they are no longer together because my dad was absuive and he's verbally abusive as well. Oftentimes, he talks bad about my friends and about groups in general (he's a racist and a biggot.) My mom is gone a lot and doesn't seem to care about me, my sister, or our 6-year old sister and stays out until late at night sometimes. We can take care of ourselves, but we've told her that our little sister isn't our responsibilty. She often leaves her in our, and our 21-year old sisters' care, but she leaves a lot too.

4) For the past six or seven months (possibly more) I've been having pains all over my body. I went to the doctor after enduring it for months and she didn't know what it could be but said I need a blood test. I can't get one though, (insurance reasons.) I went to the hospital a couple of Sunday's ago because the pains became so intense and unbearable that I was crying. I went to the emergency room and they didn't do anything. They also said that I need a blood test. I have no idea what it might be but ever since then, the pains have been worse than they were before. They happen everyday and I usually just get annoyed at the pain, but sometimes, I feel like crying.

5) I feel that I'm depressed, and I've felt like this before. I sometimes hurt myself (I don't cut though) when I get really sad and I feel like everything is all my fault. I find myself crying or feeling like crying for no reason at all other than a deep feeling of sadness. I have thought about suicide and I was very close to committing it a few months ago, but I convinced myself not to. I still think about it though, but not as strongly.

6) I have talked to my mom about seeing a psychiatrist, but she doesn't do anything about it. I feel that I need help and that makes me feel worse.

I know that these things contribute to my depression (?) I try to deal with it, but it's hard. (I've felt this way before, but not as sad and not for the same reasons.)

Can somebody help me?
Sorry for writing so much.

- One weird thing is that, I'm often happy, but if I even think about these things for a little while, I get very sad. I try to keep these thoughts and feelings repressed though and I often try to repress or forget my problems rather than try to solve them.

My mom suggested that, but I'd much rather talk to a psychologist than a school counselor who'd tell my teachers that I'm nuts.

Maybe, but I don't want to have to go to a counsellor as opposed to classes.

My mom wouldn't do anything even if a school counsellor said that I needed help, she doesn't care.

If you feel bad about not callign your friends, than try calling them, talking to them, talk to them enough to where you still keep in touch, but not to the point as where your grades fall.
Your boyfriend only digs because he cares, atleast that is what I think, but just tell him, that talking about them makes you more depressed, and that he needs to just give you time, that you will talk about them when you're read. And for your friend, just talk to her, let her tell you her problems, and if she has gaia you could point her towards our guild, which helps people who have been abused (in any way) or are suffering from depression.
I think it is best to just cut off contacts with your father, if you can because by the way you described him it hardly seems healthy to be around him, and as for your mother I think you need support from another sort, you may even need to call social services because she doesn't take care of you, or your little sister, and while she may not be your responsibility, try and help her out, she is just a child and can't take care of herself.
And for the paints you really need to see a doctor for those, even if it costs money because somethign like that sounds like it could be very serious.
Try seeing a school counsler, try talking to them a few times, just see if it helps, they can be very helpful if you give them a chance. And please don't hurt yourself, when ever you get the urge, or feel like you need to, try calling a friend or your boyfriend, just talk to them, you don't have to tell them why, just tell them you need someone to just talk to, just to be around, talk to them until you feel better.
Here are some things that help me when I feel depressed, singing (sh...don't tell any one. ninja ), listening to up beat music that I can dance to, painting, drawing, writing, reading, growing my plants, and talking to my friends.