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song i wrote,does it suk? can some1 please give me feedback?

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the song lyrics are...
  really good
  ok
  could use some work
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_Built_to_Offend_666

PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 8:09 am


this is a song i wrote, can someone please give me feedback as to weither you think its lyrics are any good or not?


fReak

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k
I am violent - I am silent - I'm some perverted twilight
I am road kill - I'm going to hell - I have to be very ill
I must be everything that everyone calls me

Of coarse I am
You know me better than anyone else
You know what I am
That's why you cast me off and don't come close
Don't like what I am?
Then go away and pray to your holy ghost

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k
I am haunted - I am faulted - Stay away or I'll slaughter
I am a creep - I am a freak - I stay away from society
I must be everything that everyone calls me

Of coarse I am
You know me better than anyone else
You know what I am
That's why you cast me off and don't come close
Don't like what I am?
Then go away and pray to your holy ghost

Let's choke this ********]
Let's leak this freak

What the ******** - makes you so damn sure?
Why the ******** - do you stare and take pictures?
My angel - ******** all the priests and clergy
No control - a victim of vendetta surgery

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k

I can't scream '******** you' loud enough!
A thousand ******** needles and you still say your god's so tough

(Your) god hates me - I'm an evil piece of heretic hurl
I don't fit - in your perfect wholesome world
I shouldn't - be the things I am because it's not right
I am s**t - in your holy self-righteous eyes I need to see your light

I can't scream '******** you' loud enough!
I am hate - of course you know what I represent
I'm some freak - every ******** thing I say gets you bent
Masturbate - I don't see your reality of morality and shame
You still seek - ways to change everything that I am

And this song won't be heard by "God's chosen few"

{
I can't love - I'm never enough
Apparently you say I'm too rough
} - [x2]

I can't scream '******** you' loud enough!
Banish me - by everything in your society
Hate me cause - I am your world's disease
I can't see - because I don't respect your bullshit authority
There I was - begging down on my knees

Hide me from your child's eyes!
Make me cry - fill our heads with idealist lies
Ignite me - it's time to douse me in gasoline
I'm not right - your god wants me to be a carcass eaten by flies
Covet me - drain my eyes with knives and kerosene

I must be everything that everyone calls me
Cast me off - I'm a portion of everything that's immoral
Don't save me - I couldn't care less about your values
Beat me off - because I'm ******** tired of you and your blow-hole
Don't change me - just because you let them all sell you! <******** you - ******** you! <******** off c**t - I don't need your judgmental face in my life
Slit your wrists - the greatest gift you could give your god
I love sluts - you will never change that part of my life
Drink my piss - because you will never change any ******** part of my world! <******** off ******** <******** off ******** <******** you ********
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 8:08 pm


Where do I begin... Well, for the most part it's pretty good; I have to say though that you used an excessive amount of sexuality, but my opinion as to sex orientated songs is negative... good lyrics in rhyming and rhythm. Keep it up!

(Kind of ironic how you posted it on Mother's Day... don't you think?)

William Mondry


_Built_to_Offend_666

PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 4:48 pm


Hiroshi Meisuke
Where do I begin... Well, for the most part it's pretty good; I have to say though that you used an excessive amount of sexuality, but my opinion as to sex orientated songs is negative... good lyrics in rhyming and rhythm. Keep it up!

(Kind of ironic how you posted it on Mother's Day... don't you think?)


wats so bad about sex orientation? to me, ppl with profanity/sex/rebel/etc hangups really annoy me. just like censorship, all it does is limit our lives to live without some of the best things we have in our shitstained lives.
PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2006 5:38 am


again i still love your work it reminds me of vampirism and the sexuallity involved with it but it seems some one tryed to convert you or change you which is totally unacceptable you are who you are and you wont change for them ever...ever

grotesquekreeple


Solomon 469

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:10 am


Nice
PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:39 pm


_Built_to_Offend_666
this is a song i wrote, can someone please give me feedback as to weither you think its lyrics are any good or not?


fReak

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k
I am violent - I am silent - I'm some perverted twilight
I am road kill - I'm going to hell - I have to be very ill
I must be everything that everyone calls me

Of coarse I am
You know me better than anyone else
You know what I am
That's why you cast me off and don't come close
Don't like what I am?
Then go away and pray to your holy ghost

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k
I am haunted - I am faulted - Stay away or I'll slaughter
I am a creep - I am a freak - I stay away from society
I must be everything that everyone calls me

Of coarse I am
You know me better than anyone else
You know what I am
That's why you cast me off and don't come close
Don't like what I am?
Then go away and pray to your holy ghost

Let's choke this ********]
Let's leak this freak

What the ******** - makes you so damn sure?
Why the ******** - do you stare and take pictures?
My angel - ******** all the priests and clergy
No control - a victim of vendetta surgery

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k

Give me your mental-disease, your fleas, and your STDs and I'll be at ease
Make me sick
I'll be your d**k
Stand still now, you'll feel a small p***k

I can't scream '******** you' loud enough!
A thousand ******** needles and you still say your god's so tough

(Your) god hates me - I'm an evil piece of heretic hurl
I don't fit - in your perfect wholesome world
I shouldn't - be the things I am because it's not right
I am s**t - in your holy self-righteous eyes I need to see your light

I can't scream '******** you' loud enough!
I am hate - of course you know what I represent
I'm some freak - every ******** thing I say gets you bent
Masturbate - I don't see your reality of morality and shame
You still seek - ways to change everything that I am

And this song won't be heard by "God's chosen few"

{
I can't love - I'm never enough
Apparently you say I'm too rough
} - [x2]

I can't scream '******** you' loud enough!
Banish me - by everything in your society
Hate me cause - I am your world's disease
I can't see - because I don't respect your bullshit authority
There I was - begging down on my knees

Hide me from your child's eyes!
Make me cry - fill our heads with idealist lies
Ignite me - it's time to douse me in gasoline
I'm not right - your god wants me to be a carcass eaten by flies
Covet me - drain my eyes with knives and kerosene

I must be everything that everyone calls me
Cast me off - I'm a portion of everything that's immoral
Don't save me - I couldn't care less about your values
Beat me off - because I'm ******** tired of you and your blow-hole
Don't change me - just because you let them all sell you! <******** you - ******** you! <******** off c**t - I don't need your judgmental face in my life
Slit your wrists - the greatest gift you could give your god
I love sluts - you will never change that part of my life
Drink my piss - because you will never change any ******** part of my world! <******** off ******** <******** off ******** <******** you ********


zzzzzzzzzz... nonsense violence non style

Dafnea


MOD66

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:03 pm


it wasnt bad i just whish you hadn't used the c word and a little much on the F bomb too
PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 9:43 am


i don't na liea to you but i don't whant to heart you eyther so i'l just shut my blood drayner

ru-ten


_Built_to_Offend_666

PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 12:40 pm


ru-ten
i don't na liea to you but i don't whant to heart you eyther so i'l just shut my blood drayner


i dont quite understand your post, but i think i might. if ur saying that u dont like my song but dont wanna say why because u think im gonna get pissed or something, just know that i can take harsh critism. i doubt urgonna be much harsher than "if you died, the world would be a better place because we wouldn't have to be nausiated by your shitty lyrics" and other critics to that effect.
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