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 Posted: Thu Apr 27, 2006 1:15 pm
.::Journal Entry 1::..::Every Story has a Beginning::. Thats not the beginning of the end
Thats the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Love...devotion
Feeling...emotion
-Enigma-
-Return to Innocence-
--------------------------------
Where does one start when telling the story of their life?....
Well, I suppose this is as good a place as any. Bax gave me this journal as a place to write down my thoughts and experiences. He said that maybe having everything written down would trigger new memories, and over time I'd remember everything that happened. He seems hesistant though...telling me that he hoped my past was something I wanted to uncover, since some things are better left forgotten. Come to think of it....I know nothing of his past either. He remembers it, I know he does, but he doesn't seem to want to share it. Can anything really be that bad?....
Anyways...the beginning. Sad to say, I don't remember much of it. Before finding myself at Bax's place, I remember some pain...and some odd feeling of disappointment. After that was total darkness...and then the cold and wet ocean. Next thing I know, I'm at the home of a half blind Audio, who claims he found me on the beach and was nursing me back to health. Those days were rough, I was totally drained of any energy, and every part of my body ached.
As I stayed there, helpless and in the care of Bax, I struggled to remember just what had happened. But everything before that in my life was a total blur... I felt like a boat at sea...lost in the waves of half emotions and memories tumbling in my mind. Oh...didn't mention that did I? For some reason, I can't feel like others...I get hints of sadness and happiness and stuff like that, but not full blown emotions like normal people do. People would be surprised to know that though, since Bax always said it looked like I was going through the same emotions as anyone else.
So...over time I grew healthy again under Bax's watchful eye. He cared for me, like a member of his family, and I'll always thank him for that. He helped me relearn as much as possible, and I rediscovered my talents with music and water. Over time he started taking me to places nearby, trying to help trigger my memories...but nothing worked. He tried though...
Now, he's taking me to an agency nearby, where more of our kind are gathered. Maybe...maybe one of them will hold the key to my past.
Hopefully....
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Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 6:06 pm
.::Journal Entry 2::..::First Impressions::. Well the first trip to the agency was....odd.
Lesse, where to start. Well, the first one I ran across wore the same cloaky robey thing as I do! That was rather interesting... He carried this big pink weapon, which Bax later told me was a scythe. So I talked with him a while and found out his name was Marluxia. He said my name was weird...and I was scrawnie. Wonder why he said that oO...
We also ran into another robed Audio. Wow...these things must really be a fashion rage or something. His name is Saix, and he's got this freaky x shaped scar on his face. He's not too nice though...he kept chasing me around with his giant...sword thing.
Come to think of it, Marluxia wasn't all that nice either. He kept trying to hand me over to Saix so he could hurt me! I eventually just ran off to get away from them all.
Maybe this wasn't such a good plan afterall...but I want to remember!....Sigh....
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Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 10:02 am
.::Journal Entry 3::..::Meeting Saige::. So, after the first rather frightening trip to the agency, I made another quick trip just to see if things had calmed down.
And....two seconds into the building Saix starts chasing me around again. Fun guy that one....not.
But while fleeing from him, I was tackled down by a girl, who didn't have one of our robey things. Well, that settles that question, not every other Audio in the world wears these... Anyway, she kept looking me over and calling me cute oO() I was happy to have attention though!
Eventually, after a tripping from Marluxia, I ended up on a high shelf thanks to this girl. She's got cool little wings that let her fly! ^_^ She wanted me to play a tune on my Sitar, so...since she had saved me from Saix and all, I played for her (besides, I LOVE playing for anyone that'll listen). She really seemed to like the music, singing along and using her wings to let her dance in the air. We had a lot of fun!
After spending some time with her and playing some more music, I left the agency for the day. This place isn't so bad afterall...so long as I avoid certain Audios...namely Saix.
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Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 6:48 pm
.::Journal Entry 4::..::Time Flies...::. The next few trips to the agency went by in a blur. So much happened...it's really hard to go back now and write about it.
Let's see....
Others would say Bax was being rather mean to me during these trips, but really he was just trying to protect me. He says there's lots of really really mean people in his past that would stop at nothing to cause him pain, and hurting his friends would be a good way to do it...
Saix somehow decided that putting a collar on me was a good idea. He dragged me around by a leash for a while, but quickly grew tired of it, thankfully. That wasn't too good for my rocker image...
I've been talking with Saige a lot. She's really cool, and fun to be around ^__^...There was that time she pulled the daggers on me though...mmrph...but that got settled.... We've even kissed o.o...I dunno what to do with the relationship though, right now I kinda just want friends ^^() Hope I don't hurt her feelings...
So....yeah, lots of random things happened, nothing too life shattering though. I'm glad for the experiences though, as I made my first friend during these days (Saige!) ^_^
OHHH!! And the cute fluffy things appeared around this time too! Marluxia was the first to get one, and later on it actually grew while sitting on my head o.O. Saix also got one...mmrph, the jerk...he won't let me pet it .__.
So...yeah...lotsa stuff. I need to keep up with this better...
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Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 12:35 pm
.::Journal Entry 5::..::Reunion::. Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
-Enya-
-Only Time-
--------------------------------
Such a long day....
It started off innocently enough. Sitting in the agency, playing on my sitar and making water dance. It's a fun talent...really. Saix walked by and we talked for a bit. I showed him the weird shapes that keep popping into my head...it's odd, I look at the other cloaked ones and start thinking of these shapes, but have no idea what they are. He says they're numbers...if that's true they're rather odd looking. So, he says his shape (which is VII) is a seven, while mine (IX) is nine. He also said that was probably our ranks within the Organization...he didn't seem too happy to only be number seven. Personally I wonder how I got to be nine...
Soon enough, another robed Audio showed up! He spooked me at first, 'cause Saix said his title had something to do with flames...and I wouldn't think fire and water would get along well. But he turned out to be pretty cool...he even said my water shapes was TALENT, and not just some stupid game like Saix thinks they are. His name is Axel, and the shapey thing (VIII) for him is eight...
Then yet another robed one showed up, though this one seems different....I can't think of a shape for him oO. He wears a blindfold yet seems to be able to see...we didn't get to talk much.
Saige showed up, and she seemed to agree with Axel that some things are better left forgotten. Sigh...I want to remember though... Saige didn't seem too happy when I spoke up about not caring who said I shouldn't remember since the choice should be mine and mine alone... -_-... The blindfolded one, Riku, broke back in with nothing is better forgotten, since we can learn from our past. Seemed smart to me.
As the others talked, I found a little ball of fluff attatched to my boot oO It turned out to be one of the cute creature things that were following Marluxia and Saix, and this one wanted to follow ME! So so so SOOO happy! I quickly named the little critter Puffzorz McPuffinstuff, Puff for short. He seemed to like it...the others didn't ._. .
Speaking of, the others started bickering...I just don't get it. If we're somehow connected, shouldn't we be able to get along? And even if we aren't, fighting isn't going to help any of us. I sat in a corner of the room, watching them and wishing they'd stop... Eventually I spoke up, telling them all to cut it out...and for a while they did. Axel even came over and sat with me a while! ^_^ He's really nice...and he wanted to pet Puff. I talked with Axel, wondering just why we all had to fight...he said sometimes you have to fight for what you believe in. I still hope we can all get along though...
Axel's really really nice...the first of the robed ones I really felt a connection with. Even though he doesn't seem to want to remember, he said he wouldn't stop me from finding out about the past...he even said he'd have my back. He's a friend, and I soooo appreciate that... It's hard to explain to anyone how desperately I really needed a friend like me. Bax is a great brother, and Saige is a great friend...but Axel's been through some of the same stuff as me. That makes him the best friend I've got.
So, while talking, yet ANOTHER robed one shows up. Man how many of us are there?! This one's shape (II) meant two...he's really high ranked. And like, right after that another one showed up...this one being ten (or X...though that looks like a letter). And this is where everything fell apart. So many of us gathered in one area...ugh...everyone started bickering and betting and yelling at each other. I tried to help out Axel but the one, Xigbar, shot down my water clones. And...well this turned into one big flurry of motion. Everyone fighting and throwing threats, and then some other girl showed up and ughhhh. So confusing...
Xigbar eventually grew tired of it, and somehow poofed us all to another location O_o By then, even I was frustrated, and ready to fight with Axel to make the others back off. Saix threw his swordy thing at Axel and hurt him, and that's what set me off... I tried to get between them, protect Axel with a water wall, but Xigbar pulled me out of the fight and wouldn't let me help, the jerk! I was forced to watch my friend get hurt, beaten even by Saix...it hurt so bad not to be able to help...
So, Axel lost...but Xigbar stopped the fight before Saix could kill him. I finally broke away from Xigbar and rushed to help Axel... Saix talked Xigbar into letting him punish us...and you know what? He SEPARATED us! He said we can't talk to each other! Why?! We're just friends! And and and...I just don't understand....what's so wrong about it?... He also made Axel be his personal servant til Xigbar calls it off...this so isn't fair...
I miss him.....I really do.......I hope Puff can keep him company until this is over....
I hate the other members, I just don't get it! We're a GROUP! We shouldn't be having stupid arguements and splitting up friends for spite! I wish this all made sense...
Maybe tomorrow will be better....
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Posted: Wed May 03, 2006 2:10 pm
.::Journal Entry 6::..::A Talk With Xigbar::. One goal could be your happiness.
One goal can make you sad.
One goal can be desperation.
One goal can become your hope.
One goal can do a lot of things.
One goal can change the world.
One goal can be your brotherhood.
One goal is the score of your life.
-Eiffel 65-
-One Goal-
--------------------------------
Sigh. Lonely, so lonely. It hasn't been that long but I totally miss Axel and Puff already. I really hope this doesn't last long...
Wandering...lonely. It didn't help much, wandering the halls of wherever we're at trying to find answers. Every new step brought more questions, new waves to the sea of torment inside. When will it end? I don't like feeling like this...everything was so happy before. But now that some memories are drifting back it's just.......I don't know anymore...
Wandering the halls eventually brought me to a room Xigbar was in. He looked so...deep in thought. Even though he remembers more than us, he seems to be troubled... It took him a moment to realize I was there, but when he did he turned around... His body...it's so marked with scars! What has he been through to leave that many wounds?! I felt horrible for staring, but I couldn't force myself to stop. I also felt an ache....like....sadness that anyone would ever have to endure that much pain....
He soon realized my problem and covered the scars back up... He knew I had questions, and after a moment I asked as many as I could in the span of a minute or so. Poor guy...I didn't mean to flood him with so many questions at once! But one just led into another...and another...
So Xigbar tells me that he was the one that found me in the first place. There was the original founders of the Organization, and then the other members joined through different ways...and my ticket in was through Xigbar. He tried to explain to me why he let Saix and Axel fight...but I just can't understand it...
He also says I'm special oO that I remember what it was like to be...human. I don't get it...we're Audios, right? Shouldn't we all already know what it is to be ourselves? It was nice to be called special though...at least someone thinks I am.
He seemed tired of answering questions, so we went off to the kitchen. There we had cookies and sandwiches! Cookies are the best food EVER! I hope this place has a big supply of em...
After that, he tried to teach me how to use the dark portal thingers that he used to bring all of us here. He told me to use the nothingness inside to make them...lemme tell you, that is the weirdest feeling...just so empty inside, and I don't know why. Is that normal? Does everyone feel that? Or just us...? After a few tries I got it to start forming, but I'm nowhere near mastering that...I will one day though, that'll make Xigbar proud.
I do feel like I need to make him proud...he may confuse me, but he seems to want to take care of me too...kinda like a parent? I don't remember my parents...at all.....maybe Xigbar will fill that part of the emptyness for me.
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Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 6:50 am
.::Journal Entry 7::.
.::The Spar::.
After the talk with Xigbar I took to wandering again. Didn't find much...just more questions...
I eventually found myself in this neat balcony like room...unfortunately Saix and Xigbar were already there, and fighting.
Just as I had walked in, Xigbar had been knocked out of the air by Saix...yeah he can do this neat floating trick! But that's not the point... I hid in the shadows, watching and cheering for Xiggy, though I really didn't want to see either of them hurt. They fought for a few more minutes, but suddenly Saix struck Xiggy with his sword thing! He recovered though, and held his gun (eep...) to Saix.
I had to stop them! There's no reason to kill each other! Sooo I did the only thing I could think of, which was run out and offer some cookies! Cookies should stop the fighting, they always cheer me up afterall!
Unfortunately, even with the cookies, Xigbar shot Saix right in the chest! I was...horrified... That's the worst thing I've ever seen, though something in the back of my mind is trying to tell me it really isn't...
BUT!..somehow...Saix got back up! Scared the heck outta me that did...
And and and...they talked to me, and Saix explained that we don't have hearts...that's how he took the shot without getting killed. But...how?! How can we not have hearts? We HAVE to....don't we?....Is that what the weird feeling was when Xiggy was trying to show me how to do the portal? That emptyness......
I hate it....
AND! Saix said I could go see Axel! I don't think he freed him yet, but he said he didn't care if I talked to him! But...I couldn't find him when I went looking for him...oh well. Maybe tomorrow?
Until then, I found some paper and some crayons...I think I'll draw some pictures for Axel for when I find him tomorrow ^_^
It's been a tiring day anyway.
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:03 am
.::Journal Entry 8::.
.::Catching Up::.
I've let this go far too long, so this journal entry will be devoted to catching up. It's a lot, and I apologize for this journal, but life's been so busy lately that it's been hard to sit down and just write.
I'll break it up a bit though, so it's easier to read ^^()
--------------------------------
.::Roxas and the Superior::.
Morning time,
I sit and watch the sun arise,
And everything seems so different now,
Than it was just before.
Dawning sun,
As you go down my soul will run,
I feel it all slip away.
Slip out of my hands
-Eiffel 65-
-Morning Time-
--------------------------------
How does one keep up with life when it moves a mile a minute?
Okay, let's see...
I did manage to find Axel, and after excitedly talking to him I gave him the pictures, which he loved! The meeting was short lived though, cause soon enough even more of the cloaked Audios showed up. Roxas, number thirteen (XIII) was the first, and he seemed to be stuck with a giant key like weapon. That key brought out odd reactions in everyone, no idea why. It make me feel akward just looking at it...but it was the key bringing that feeling, not the one holding it. Saix however was just angry to see it, and even tried to attack poor Roxas! Xigbar stopped him though, thankfully. Saix freaked out even further, yelling something about being killed, and then ran off. First time I've ever seen him react like that...I hope he's okay....
Axel introduced himself and me to Roxas, and we talked for a few minutes. Immediately after that though another Audio showed up, and this one made everyone quiet down. Xemnas, number one (I) was back... Saix walked in with him, looking rather smug. At least he was back to himself. After breaking up a mini arguement between Saix and Xigbar, Xemnas explained to us about being Nobodies (beings that aren't supposed to exist? huh?...) and our mission for Kingdom Hearts. Saix ran off and soon returned with Marluxia, and the Superior explained things further, talking about finding some reports.
That day was particularly confusing, and hurtful...you see journal, that day marked when my memories really started to flood back. And as much as I had wanted them in the beginning, as time goes on I want them less and less. I should have listened to Axel, but now it's too late...
I should keep a note somewhere about what I learned, just so I don't forget it. I'll just put it here for now.
1: We are apparently Nobodies. Nobodies are, as the Superior explains, empty shells of a being that once existed.
2: Nobodies are created when a person is separated from their hearts. That's why the members here keep saying we don't have any.
3: Nobodies, due to their heartless nature, aren't supposed to have any emotions. I think this is a total lie as I certainly have emotions, and I've even seen them in Saix! So obviously we have them!
4: Our mission in the past was to find this thing called Kingdom Hearts. Somehow this will lead to the recovery of our hearts, and with it our previous ways of life.
5: Something about a key and a door...at this point I was really scared and confused, so I don't remember this too well.
6: The Superior wanted us to hunt down some reports. These reports hold information we need for our mission, and might also help our memories.
Despite not agreeing with everything said, somehow just knowing this stuff makes me feel less control over my life. I want to help the others, I really do! I'd do anything in my power to help any member, from Axel all the way to Saix, I just get the feeling we're all going to be really hurt during this journey.
--------------------------------
.::Family::.
Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life
-Byan Adams-
-Summer of 69-
--------------------------------
The next big thing to happen was meeting Luxord. I met him and Zexion while wandering the halls lost in my thoughts. After getting over the initial shock, I told them all I knew about the Organization and the plan for the future. Luxord was interested, but Zexion had nothing but a bunch of insults for me. What a jerk... After Zexion left, Luxord introduced me to the yummyness of cupcakes. Mmmm, those are so good!
Now, I'll take a break to say that so much happened while in the company of Luxord that it'd be really hard to explain it all. Really, a summary works the best...so lesse...
1: Luxord agreed to let me stay with him! This was good, 'cause I hadn't really picked out a room for myself yet.
2: He also taught me lots about his card deck, and how to play games. I lost a bunch, but I won too! I love playing games with him, even if he usually wins.
3: After talking about family, he told me that a family wasn't something you were necessarily born into, you could make your own with those you care about. After some more talk, Luxord became my 'daddy',. thus our little family was started.
4: We found lots of stuff in the castle, like the pool, and I showed Luxord where the kitchen was. Turns out he can cook yummy food!
5: Zexion was a jerk some more XP
6: I showed Luxord the dark portals, and told him how to make them. I knew he'd pick up the technique quickly.
7: Er...heh heh...after letting me spend the night, Luxord showed me how interesting a day in bed could be.
I really enjoy being around Luxord. He gives me all the attention I want, and actually thinks I'm strong. If him and Axel ever become friends, then life will be perfect! Til then, I'll enjoy staying with the gambling Audio, and visiting Axel every chance I get.
I guess I should also add that during time with Luxord, a bunch of headphones showed up ^_^() five, actually, though I have no idea how... Well, wherever they came from, I'll help take care of them anyway I can.
--------------------------------
.: razz ains of the Past::.
I think I'll find another way
There's so much more to know
I guess I'll die another day
It's not my time to go
-Madonna-
-Die Another Day-
--------------------------------
If there was any one day I felt more lost in the tides of life, this was certainly it. What started as a simple trip to the kitchen to get some cookies for myself and coffee for Luxord, turned into the most painful memory the past could bring.
Minutes after ending up in the kitchen, Saix joined me there. He kept saying he had something important to tell me, but he wanted to be sure I was ready to handle it. Odd, Saix was worried about me? Or...something. Desperate to learn about the past, I told him I could handle it.
I wish I hadn't...I wish I had walked right out of that room and left this part of our past unknown.
Right after assuring him I could handle it, Saix told me the news. That thing that Axel said was bad in the past? Yeah...bad doesn't desribe it. You see, we died. Every last one of us died. I guess that feeling of disappointment I have was the final thing I felt before going out...
The news sent me into shock, insantly a crying wreck at the mercy of Saix. He slapped me, telling me to snap out of it, and went on to further explain that he was involved in a lot of the deaths, including mine and Axel's... He didn't kill us himself, but somehow he was involved.
Saix...he tried to leave, leave me in the kitchen as the useless crying thing he always thought I was. But for once I wasn't going to let him just walk off. I hopped up, ready to follow him no matter the danger. And then perhaps the most shocking thing of all happened...Saix explained to me just how he feels.
See, I still remember my feelings, and apparently the others don't. Saix said he can feel, but only negative things like pain and hate. No wonder he's so upset all the time! I tried to talk to him, tell him that I'd be willing to help him if he'd just let me, but Saix spent the next several minutes screaming in my face while throwing me around. Next thing I remember I'm in the pile of rubble that once was the kitchen table, staring up at daddy....
I don't remember much after that. My head had taken a nasty hit from Saix during the little fight, so everything's really a blur. Still, that day really hurt, physically and mentally.
--------------------------------
There you have it journal. A lot happened, both good and bad. But I'm still here! Handling it the best that I can.
Here's hoping the future is brighter.
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:50 pm
.::Journal Entry 8::.
.::Sora and Larxene::.
*Entry to come at a later date, since the RP is on pause. Just wanted it in here in the right order.*
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Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:25 pm
.::Journal Entry 9::.
.::Reflections::.
Time for another long entry, sorry journal ^_^()
I thought it'd be a good idea to write down what I've learned about the others, and what I've pieced together of the past so far.
The others would probably be surprised if they saw what I wrote here. I hide a lot, in the effort to keep myself happy. That's all I want in life, really, I don't care if I'm missing my heart, and I don't care how bad the past was, in the end...all I want is to be happy in this life. This journal is the one place I'll open up, because I can safely get my thoughts out here and go back to my happy self.
--------------------------------
.::Organization XIII::.
.::Xemnas::.
.::Number: I - 1::.
.::Title: The Superior::.
How do you think I’ve lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to
-Linkin Park-
-By Myself-
Xemnas, the Superior...just the sound of his name sends shivers down my spine. The boss is the scariest Audio I've ever met. That first time he walked into the room, and everyone went silent...it's obvious he's one that demands respect, and those that don't give it to him are so in trouble. He always looks so cold, his eyes showing no other emotion besides determination. I guess I can admire the way he wants to complete his goals, but he's still one really creepy guy.
Xemnas is our leader, and I had imagined that our leader would be tough enough to lead us, yet caring enough to understand us. I was wrong... I get the feeling that if the boss was offered the choice to complete his goals by sacrificing us, he'd do it without a second thought. He probably keeps us around when we're useful, but the moment we use that up we're nothing to him. I hate feeling like this, but the thing I hate the most is the guilt I feel over thinking this way. It's like my mind is telling me it's dangerous to rebel against the boss and think such negative things, but my 'heart' (heh...) is telling me that it's true.
Saix once told me that I died, and while he was involved in it he didn't personally kill me. I now think that it goes farther than that...past Saix and maybe all the way to the top. I understand now what Saix meant, because as I sit here and think harder about the past I remember more and more. It's blurry still, but I know it involved some orders, and those orders came from Saix, which would be his part in my death. But I don't think he wrote them, I get this feeling that Xemnas ordered Saix to give me those orders...
I don't trust him, I can't... I'll give everyone else the benefit of the doubt but I just can't with Xemnas. Something happened, some horrible thing tore apart the Organization, and if it wasn't caused by Xemnas himself than darnit he should have stopped it! Our boss doesn't care about us, and I'm going to do whatever I can to keep myself, and the others, safe from him. I've lost so much in my life, and I think a lot of it came from the Superior.
Though I think that if he came in here right now and gave me a mission, I'd do it just to keep myself out of trouble...I'll just have to be really careful with anything he tells me to do.
.::Xigbar::.
.::Number: II - 2::.
.::Title: The Freeshooter::.
Xigbar is a really sensitive subject with me... He was fine, at first. Though he frightened me and took me out of that one fight with Saix and Axel, I came to understand just why later, and respected his decision. He taught me the portal trick, which I will always be grateful for, and took on a sort of teacher role for me.
But now...the more I think about it...I just don't understand, ya know journal?
He's gone now...he's been gone for so long. I dunno where he went, but it's like he's abandoned us here at the castle for other things. I've tried to find him, tried to talk to him, but on the rare chance that I do see him he has nothing to say to me. No one person has ever made me feel so...worthless....not even Saix. It's like Xigbar has cast me aside to find someone else to use to his advantage.
I hate the feeling...it's too similar to the empty feeling we use to call up the portals.
At this point I have to wonder if there's anything worth saving between me and Xigbar. I liked the way things were before, when we'd talk and learn together. But after the way he's treated me lately I don't know if he was honestly trying to help me before, or just using me while he could.
I used to think that if I had powers over time, I'd go back and enjoy the peace while it lasted, now I wonder if I'm better off going through this, no matter the pain....
.::Zexion::.
.::Number: VI - 6::.
.::Title: ???::.
Zexion is one member I wouldn't mind not getting to know better ._.() I try my hardest to understand everyone here, but Zexion is just too....confusing. Luxord said he likes to manipulate people into doing everything for him, and the more I think about it the more that makes sense.
Zexion is a jerk... I know everyone will tell me Saix is too, but I understand why Saix is like that now. I haven't found a reason for Zexion to be so mean towards me, and I really don't think I want to find out. At this point, I'd rather just avoid him. If I run into him I'll try to talk, but I won't go searching for him unless it's really important...
.::Saix::.
.::Number: VII - 7::.
.::Title: The Luna Diviner::.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.
-Bette Midler-
-Wind Beneath My Wings-
Of all the members here, I guess most would think I'd be the most afraid of Saix. Well...yeah that's true, I am really scared of him, yet at the same time I look up to him. Call me crazy, but I actually care about number seven.
Everyone says Saix is mean, heartless, downright cruel...and on the outside he looks that way, but I know there's more to him than that. That one talk with Saix, right after he told me I...died...that conversation made me understand more about Saix than ever before. He's not mean because he wants to be, or at least he wasn't in the beginning. I'm sure anyone that was only capable of feeling negative emotions would react in the way he does. Maybe, in his own way, he's acting cruel to drive others away so they don't have to feel the same way he does. If one thinks of it like that, then Saix is actually kind and protective rather than the jerk everyone wants to make him out to be...
And even though he does treat me like crap, sometimes I really have to thank him for that. In his own way he's been pushing me along this whole time. Back when we first met, I was just lost in life, confused and wishing to find some way to figure out what happened. Saix scared me, yes, but he shared a similar dream and when I realized that there were actually others out there like me it raised my hopes that everything would be okay. Since then he's appeared at key times for me, giving me the shove, however rough it may be, I need to keep my life going. I know it seems odd, but everything he's done to me has helped in some way, and yes journal I even mean him telling me I died. It was hurtful, but in the end it made me even more determined to help the others in any way I could, so we didn't repeat the mistakes of the past. Saix, if you ever read this, thank you...
Number seven is strong, and not just physically but mentally too. I really doubt that many of the others could carry the burden he does and manage to make it through the days. That is my reason for looking up to him. I break down over every little thing...Saix hardly loses his cool. I wish I could be more like him, and I also wish that someday he'd let me help. Doubtful as that may be, I hold the dream that someday Saix will open up and let me help instead of push me away. If he'd ever allow it, I'd love to spend time with him and learn. I know he has a lot he could teach me, and Saix would probably be able to help me past my fears. But he's so occupied with keeping to himself that I doubt he'd even let me ask such a thing of him...
Maybe, just maybe, one day everything will change, and the two of us will actually be friends.
A guy can dream, right?
.::Axel::.
.::Number: VIII - 8::.
.::Title: The Flurry of Dancing Flames::.
Axel was the first of the cloaked ones to actually be nice to me. He's a great friend, and I love every moment I get to spend with him.
Number eight, however, is a bit strange... When I first met him, Axel seemed to hold no interest in finding out the events of the past. Actually, now, I don't blame him...it was awful what happened to us. Even so, Axel refused to stand in my way of finding out what happened. That's a great friend there, despite his own feelings he was able to shove them aside so my own dreams weren't crushed. I thank him for that, however much pain it ended up causing. With the return of Xemnas, Axel seemed interested in finding the reports the Superior spoke of, so maybe now he wants to know what happened?
Saix called him a traitor, and I still don't get why. Did Axel somehow betray someone in the past? And, even so, why does that change things now? He's a nice enough guy, and he's very protective over me... I just wish I could protect him as well. Maybe one day I'll be strong, and brave, enough to actually help out my friends.
Axel's personality matches his title... He can be very sweet and calm, but get him angry and he's a flurry of flames. Come to think of it...that kinda matches my personality o.o Maybe that's why we get along so well? I can kind of understand where he's coming from...maybe he understands me...
.::Luxord::.
.::Number: X - 10::.
.::Title: The Gambler of Fate::.
Luxord...er...daddy, is of course my favorite of the Organization ^_^ Axel's my best friend of all of them, but Luxord is....more. He cares for me...protects me...he loves to listen to my music, and to talk to me and calm me down after stressful things...
I don't think I could ever thank him enough, and sometimes I hate the way I get all fidgety, or I'd try and tell him just how much it means to me. I hope he can just...tell.
Zexion told me that Luxord isn't really nice. He said that he just wants to collect pretty boys or something like that. Well I don't get it...Luxord's been very nice to me o.o I don't see any reason not to trust him. But this all probably goes back to what Luxord said about Zexion wanting to manipulate everyone around him. Maybe number six doesn't want us together? Really that's too bad...because I don't think anything will ever tear me away from daddy...
Luxord loves gambling, and anything relating to it. His cards are so cool, and I love looking at them any chance I get ^_^ I hope he teaches me more games in the future, they're fun to learn.
.::Marluxia::.
.::Number: XI - 11::.
.::Title: ???::.
Despite knowing him the longest, I don't know that much about Marluxia yet. Saix calls him pinky, probably because of his odd colored hair and his scythe...^^() Marluxia was the one that remembered what our home was called, before we all got transported to it by Xigbar. The World that Never Was...heh...
He seems like a pretty cool guy, though I never really know what he's up to. He can go from tripping me up one moment to helping me the next, so he's pretty confusing... He was the first to get one of the cute pets, and his actually grew on my head ^_^!
Anyways, I'd really like to get to know Marluxia better. Someday Ill have to track him down and talk with him.
.::Larxene::.
.::Number: XII - 12::.
.::Title: ???::.
I haven't known Larxene very long, well...this time around at least, so it' s kinda hard to write much about her. She's very nice from what I've seen, but I get the feeling that she wasn't always this way. But considering all that's happened to us, I guess it's possible for her to be different now, right?
I dunno how we got along in the past, but I'm glad we're friends now. Her and Sora seem to really care about each other, and I hope everything goes well for them. I feel protective over them both, and despite not knowing them long I'd do whatever I could for them.
.::Roxas::.
.::Number: XIII - 13::.
.::Title: ???::.
Roxas, the last member of our little group. When I first met him he was stuck with this key like weapon. Poor guy seemed so confused over it, and everyone else freaked out... It's weird how seeing something can trigger so many forgotten memories. That key, that key did something to us in the past, and obviously not something we enjoyed considering Saix went nuts on poor Roxas. I feel bad, because that key freaks me out too, but somehow I know it's just the key and not Roxas himself that brings those feelings...
Roxas is a nice guy...I like being around him, and Axel seems to have some sort of connection with him as well. He's another one I need to get to know better... Next time I see him I'll try and talk to him for a while ^_^
--------------------------------
.::Memories::.
We should think about,
What we got right now,
Cause the good things are made up of time.
Smile to your problems,
Leave the past behind.
Never forget this.
Find the truth in your soul,
Keeping you alive.
Going on from minute to minute.
Don't shade the future,
With all that's behind.
Live for today.
-Eiffel 65-
-Now is Forever-
I used to put so much effort into finding out about the past. It was so important to me, for whatever reason, to find out just where I had come from. Now...I'd still like to find out, of course, but I figure that maybe I'll find out over time? If I'm meant to of course...
I'm still missing pieces, but I remember enough to realize that the past was not such a nice thing.
I don't know where it started, and I probably never will. I suppose my 'somebody' lost his heart and I was created ._. I hardly remember a thing back that far, but I do remember a feeling of confusion, and being lost...
Apparently Xigbar found me, and brought me into the Organization. For what reason? Who knows...maybe he thought I was 'valuable', maybe he just wanted to use me, or maybe...just maybe...he wanted to protect me. For whatever reason I joined, and again my memories are...not complete. I remember being sent on missions, and not really enjoying them... But I also remember spending hours just playing my sitar and enjoying the music. That's the best memory I have of the past really, just playing with not a care in the world...
It didn't last ._. Saix must have given me orders to do...something. I'm not sure what. But those orders led to me meeting up with Sora...and after a fight......
It's best not to dwell on that really. I like Sora, the past between us is horrible, but the future doesn't have to be.
The past is still important, but I think I'll let the memories come back on their own. I guess if I'm meant to know, I will, and that's that... Besides, isn't it better to make new memories? These ones filled with happiness instead of the sadness the past brings...
--------------------------------
It's late...I really should give it a rest. I wrote a lot, huh? ^_^() I guess next time I'll see what I can piece together about the ones I've met outside the Organization...
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Posted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 11:19 am
.::Journal Entry 10::.
.::Lunaris::.
Today was a pretty slow day...mostly. After relaxing most of the day, I went off to the kitchen to try and find some cookies. Found Saix instead ._.() He immediately called me out and introduced me to an odd looking silver and black Audio. I didn't know his name at the time, but I've later found out it's Lunaris.
Anyway, I hardly had time to react to this newcomer before Saix told me that this Lunaris had killed Luxord. Such a thought...just...wow.... So much anger and hatred boiled out of me so fast, honestly I didn't even know I could feel that way... Within seconds I had slammed the newcomer into the wall with a water jet. I had no control, honestly... My anger just took over and did what it wanted.
Well, obviously, things went differently afterwards or this entry wouldn't be so calm. After knocking Lunaris out, Saix told me he had just said that to get me to attack, and Luxord was fine. After erm...venting...a bit, I ran back to Luxord's room and found this to be true. Erf...that hurt so much....I wonder if Saix even understands how much pain that caused....
Still...I'm angry with him...but I did find out that I had the power to attack, if properly motivated... I don't like fighting, but there's certain times when it might be right...
I wonder if that Lunaris guy will ever forgive me...
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Posted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 11:21 am
.::Journal Entry 11::.
.::Ransom Notes and Mall Trips::.
*Entry to come at a later date*
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Posted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 9:42 pm
.::Journal Entry 12::.
.::Cookie Baking::.
*Entry to come at a later date*
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