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 Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:58 pm
I really do.
Here's the basic story (and trust me, this is the SHORT version).
When I was 17 (I'm 20 now), I met a guy. We got real close real fast (I know, I know, sure sign for disaster), and I got pregnant despite my best efforts of birth control.
We had talked about the future beforehand, and both readily agreed that we wanted kids someday. So, even though the pregnancy was unexpected and we were so young, we chose to keep it.
I moved in, and things were fine at first... they honestly were. Some of my happiest memories still come from that time.
Things started going bad. Very bad. And in retrospect, I think a lot more was my fault than I realized before. I hadn't seen a doctor yet, and was having complications I didn't know about that were making me feel like crap. All the time. And of course...that affected my mood and sex drive. That only helped feed the fire. He started acting...different. To the point it scared me.
Eventually, the fighting got so bad, I left.
I moved back in with my dad.
My ex left the country at this point. Meanwhile, I was hospitalized for the complications I was having during pregnancy. I had no way to contact him, and that left me very angry and bitter. I came too close to losing the baby and myself then. It was terrifying.
So, when he returned to the US, I didn't talk to him. I didn't want to.
After Ky was born, I softened. For her sake, I wanted her to know him. But things got bad again...he refused to help at all with her care, and I finally had enough of the lies. It was always "When I get my check, it's yours I swear", but I found out through his mother he didn't even have a job. neutral
After months and months of listening to the same excuse, I had enough. I told him to help, or disappear. I was so angry and hurt that he wasn't helping her. I hoped that saying it would give him the incentive to do something.
But he chose the latter option.
That was back in October of last year. I've heard from mutual contacts that he's said some fairly vicious things about me since then...maybe he meant them, maybe he was trying to save face, I don't know. But I can't help but think I have a shot of resolving this peacefully.
It's been eating away at me. I can be a pretty big b***h, and he can be overly sensitive, and I wonder if maybe my harshness drove him away. I don't mean that as an excuse for him...giving up on your kids when they need your help is not something you can excuse away.
But every time I look at her it breaks my heart that one day I'll have to tell her why he's not around.
I don't know if I can do that. Not without trying again.
It's not in my nature to be overly forgiving, but I do believe in examining one's own faults before picking apart the faults of others. And I can't say I was completely blameless here.
So for the past few weeks, I've been mulling over the idea of contacting him.
Today, I actually wrote out a message to send him:
"It's been a long time since we talked. I understand things got ugly between us and all that, but I'd be willing to put that in the past for Kylie's sake.
I'd like to make you an offer. No strings, no conditions, none of that crap. I just want you to see Ky. And I want her to see you. You're her father. You're her blood. And she's yours.
Plus, she's getting older. Having her father in her life would help her. A relationship between you two would really make a difference.
Anyway, that's all I really had to say.
Ball's in your court now. Is there a chance?"
I haven't sent it, but I'm just staring it on my screen. I'm scared out of my wits. My stomach is in knots. I seriously feel nauseous. This is my daughter's father, whether he wants to be or not, and stupid though it may sound, I think part of him still wants to be. What kind of parent would I be able to call myself if I didn't at least go to him calmly and try to discuss this in a reasonable way?
A sane one, probably. But it'd never feel right to me.
She's at the age now where she's identifying mothers and babies...but she has no concept of a father, because she's never really had one. I grew up without my biological parents (one due to death, and the other chose not to keep me), so I know what it feels like to wonder. And if there's a chance I can keep her from feeling like that, is it so wrong to take it? Even if it means my own humiliation? Because really, I'm gonna feel like the world's biggest idiot if this doesn't work.
I don't know what I'm looking for by typing all this up. Support so that I know I'm not crazy for wanting this? I don't know. But it's been weighing heavily on me for quite some time, and it's killing me. I can't even seem to talk to my boyfriend about it all, 'cause he just tells me I don't have to worry about him and that it's no big deal that he's not around. I know he means well, but he doesn't really understand what this feels like, and none of my close friends have kids...
I guess I'm just confused? I'm not sure. I guess any input you guys might have would help. Maybe not advice...but just...hope?
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Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 4:21 pm
I think if you're ready for attempting contact again, then you should. And like your letter said, the ball would be in his court from that time on. I'd say to go for it.
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Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 6:27 pm
badloki I think if you're ready for attempting contact again, then you should. And like your letter said, the ball would be in his court from that time on. I'd say to go for it.
You have no idea the amount of relief your post gave me. It's a good feeling when you don't think you're entirely crazy. sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 8:54 pm
Having a feeling is never crazy, so if you feel the need to do this, then do it. Because we can't validate your feelings. No one can.
HOWEVER.
Your story makes me question a bit what's been going on [was this an actual abusive situation...or something else?] and why you two never worked out custody/child support before this point. Whatever arrangement you two work out should be on paper and on file. He can say he's going to give you money until the cows come home, but you really need to get this taken care of and make it official. It's not right that he never sees his daughter and doesn't in any way support her.
I understand you want her to have a father, but if this was a case where he was abusive and he's flakey about seeing her [which has been said to be the case], well, she's better off without him. Are there other positive male role models in her life, like grandfathers, uncles, maybe even friends of yours that are pretty upstanding? I think it's more important that she have positive men in her life to show her what they should be like rather then a father who doesn't deem her important enough to even visit or inquire about that's only going to break her heart and affect her sense of worth.
I think you should contact him, because that's what you really want to do, but I also feel you should take care of the legal aspects like support and visitation rights. If he chooses not to visit, well, that's his choice, but the option was there and it's all nice and legal so he can't claim you've been keeping her from him and denying him his rights.
As for explaining it to her as she asks? Well that gets tricky and I'm not sure what to tell you on that one, other then not to drag him through the mud and be as supportive of her as you can be and let her know it doesn't mean she's a bad or deficient girl just because Daddy doesn't want to see her. As she gets older, she'll figure it out and realize it's about him, not her, but when she's smaller, that might be hard to do.
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:17 am
Because there's been no answer as yet from the thread maker, I'd like to give my input.
I totally agree with what Dirge has said. If the relationship had been abusive, in a way, it may be best not to subject your daughter to that just because you want her to have a father. On the other hand, she does deserve a father, and I'm glad to hear you feel you should contact him for your daughters sake, and give him the choice. But, do get things on paper and legal. If he chooses not to be a part of her life, it's not going to completely screw her over, if at all.
My dad left my mum as soon as he found out she was pregnant (though recently I got in touch with him, (I'll explain the story as it went before getting in touch,) he says my mum wouldn't let him see me). Mums reasons for him leaving was that his mum didn't like mine, and he was a mummys boy.
I lived a good eleven years, knowing my brothers dad as my own, even though he was hardly in our lives either (and now completely isn't) It hurt me that my mum never thought to tell me the truth,as I only found out the truth when looking through my baby book. When I hit 14, my dad got in touch with my nan, and I saw him twice, never hearing from him or being able to get in touch with him again until recently. And he's having doubts I'm even his (he can't conceive naturally, only through the 'sperm in a tube' method) So I'm a 'miracle'.
My point is, I was hurt not even knowing why my dad was in my life, led to believe someone else was my dad, and never told the truth until I questioned it because of some now 17 year old baby record.
You're wantnig your daughter to know her dad, I'm happy you do, but if things were to change, or he doesn't want to know, don't hide it from her. But also, if that is the case, don't let her believe it's her fault.
I do hope you try to work things out and to give your daughter the father she deserves. But take Dirge's advice. But as you said your story was the short version, it also makes me question whether the relationship was abusive at any point. Children without fathers, doesn't mean they don't have a male rolemodel. Mine was, and still is, my grandad. If she has an active male role-model in her life, then if things don't work out ith the father, she still has someone to teach and guide her.
I hope this has helped, whether it be you decide not to get in touch with her real father, or he chooses not to be a dad in her life. And I hope you make the right decision that suits you. Good luck smile
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 11:58 am
I thank you both for putting a very real outside perspective on it. Sometimes I'm just too close to see the whole thing. D:
He wasn't abusive. I had feared then that he would become abusive because of certain behaviours, but looking back now, I can safely say that was most likely my own paranoia, stemming from my previous history with those kinds of situations. I wouldn't dare bring Ky around him if he'd been abusive.
The only male figure she would have in her life without at him (at this point, you never know what the future brings) would be my dad. But he's 70, has a heart condition, and as absolutely terrible as this'll sound, I don't really know how much longer he'll be here.
I do believe I'll be taking the legal advice, though. If I do decide to do this (I'm still up in the air about it, but at least I know I'm not in the wrong for considering it), I will definitely make sure there's no way he can say I never gave him the chance. 3nodding
Thanks again guys. <3
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 4:45 pm
I know I'm probably a little late for this, but I do have my own imput if no one minds.
My advice actually stems from being in Kylie's position. I was very young when my parents split, so where as yes i knew my father I didn't KNOW my father. And my mom had the same dilemma of whether or not to let my relationship with him drop in his lap (if he wanted me he'd make the first move) or whether or not to keep my vision of him intact.
She chose the latter. And there were times growing up I wish she hadn't. I hated always beingup in the air whether or not I'd see him, or hear from him, or if he'd keep his promises and such.
So like everyone else has said, if you feel you should, or you feel its the right thing then by all means do it.
However, I think you should also ask yourself if Kylie will benefit from this or if she'll be worse off from it should he respond to be in her life.
I would think if he honestly wanted to be in her life, he would've made some sort of effort by now regardless of yours and his relationship. He's already made it obvious he doesn't keep his promises, and that he's hard to get in touch with. So IF he does the same thing to Kylie that he's done to you, is it worth the pain it will put her through?
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Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 6:40 pm
After this email I definitely think you've given him enough chances.
I'm not sure what you mean by acting differently though. If he was scaring you then there was something wrong.
I assure you she'll be fine though. I'm not sure how your family works, but I have so many men in my family that would be willing to help me if it came down to my son and I having difficulties that way. It doesn't have to come from her father. It just has to come from a male that she's close to.
You can always talk to me.
I know what it's like to have an ex that scares/scared you.
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Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 11:25 am
I would like to advise you to keep a diary of what you do to make contact and effort with him, and what he does in return.
You never know what is around the corner, when reading your post I got this feeling that he is not good news, certainly not a good dad. But someday he might decide he wants her after x amount of time not seeing her/providing for her and you will be obliged to let him.
Also, I believe you need to sort this financial situation out, he is a dad and he needs to start acknowledging his responsibilities. How would you feel 5 years down the line if he had a wife and a new family and he sure as hell paid for them, but had never paid anything for the family he created with you? It's hard to take a legal route, but you certainly would not be alone in doing so, and why should you have to be?
One day your daughter might decide she wants to see her Dad, and seek him out, then he could shower her with gifts and holidays and all of a sudden she would think he is the bees knees as he can spoil her rotten, when you may only be able to pay for yourselves to survive. Why should he get that satisfaction?
All this said, I think that you are doing the right thing by initiating contact. Please consider the diary thing, it may not ever be needed, but it doesnt take long to record something down, and someday it may be very helpful.
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Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:07 pm
Hmm... This is a very touchy situation. Now, most people know i live with Josh, but he is not Naaman's biological father. That guy was left when i was 8 weeks pregnant after he gave me ultimatums and i threw them in his face. [that's a long story] Anyways, Naaman is now gonna be six years old in june, and Jason has never come to meet him ONCE! I kid you not. He pays his child support, but he hasn't made a damned effort to meet him or anything. He did tell me his parents want us to find time to go down there and visit, but they aren't willing to come here. Well, i was very open to wanting him to see naaman and all the first few years. But, he was always trying to play the "i don't even know if he's really my kid or not" bullshit. After the child support went to friend of the court, and they did a paternity test that was clear as glass that Naaman was his. Then, his parents want to now years and years later meet him. Well, Naaman is in school, and our financial situation doesn't allow for us to just up and take lengthy vacations.. not to mention that I don't want naaman to miss school. And, so what if we go ther for a weekend ? Naaman won't have a clue who these people are. It takes him a long time of regular meeting of someone to be ok with them. For these people who'll meet him once at htis point of his life, he'll be polite.. but he'll want to ignore them. He doesn't know them from a hole in the ground. But, now take Josh. He's been around all of his life. And, i think should there be a day where josh and jason are both in the same room with Naaman. Naaman would clearly choose josh over jason. and for child support, i only get like 140 a month every month. I am told all the time by people that it's practically nothing.. and how i can get more if i want to be bothered with teh red tape of pressuring Friend of the Court to up the amount.
Ok, now i'm gonna slip into another story. My mom's blood parents. My grandma, and norman.. my mom's real dad. She didn't know he was her real dad until she was 11, but she knew who he was. Her real dad and his remarried wife would go to visit her every so often, but she knew him as a "friend of the family". But, she grew up with my grandfather who had five other girls by my grandma. My mom loves my grandpa. She did care about Norman, and we get together with her youngest sister from him. But, when he passed away, I don't think her bereavement will be anything close to what it'll be when the day comes that my grandpa passed away. I mean.. heck, all of us call him Norman.. or Grandpa Fraley.. rather than my other grandpa we just call grandpa. and, you know what... my mom was never bitter at all for not having known Norman. Getting to know how their family is.. my mom is glad their life went the way it did.
Ultimately, what you want to do.. is up to you. But, you know.. just because it's blood doesn't really mean jack crap. I mean.. even if you can't see it now.. what happens if later on you meet a great guy who loves you and steps in as a father to her.
Digressing to my own situation, I've already told jason. Should he finally come around to meet him and stuff, I am not introducing him to naaman as his "daddy" cuz he's not. Should he become a regular presence in his life, then he will be daddy jason.. but that's it. If he wants to be called "dad" he is gonna have to do more than meet him once. Cuz that is a shitty excuse for being a father. and, you know what else? my dad was a crappy dad. and my parents had marital issues. and, I think we all like our parents apart. and, i'm the only one out of four kids who talk to my dad in a normal way. the others all begrudge him because is rather jerkish... he thinks himself a sensitive person deep down if you can get past his jerkiness.. but my siblings feel pretty much why should they have to. He was the one who was never there for them emotionally growing up. Honestly, I am planning to write my dad emails telling him how he needs to be the one to be making effort to cultivate relationships with them. They aren't gonna want to just all of a sudden be chummy with him. Expecting it is crazy and ridiculous. It's also inconsiderate to them as it's not acknowledging their feelings about how he treated them when they were growing up. But, of course, my dad is a proud SOB... who doesn't like to admit anything he does is wrong...
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