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 Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:39 pm
n.n! Hey everyone. Call me Jinshia, and I'm new. Just wanted to say that. Now, this is a poem I made about something my girlfriend is going through. She recently told me about something she was going through.. concerning feelings for her ex-boyfriend and what-not, and him still wanting her. Anyway, it is titleless, like most of my poems. Leave some feedback. n.n;
A long journey down a jagged path;
Lava on either side
You've run so long that starting now
Your feet have a blood bath.
I know you're confused
because the pursuer pursues well
even though you run fast,
But time is running
even faster than you;
What, oh what can you do?
In the front lies your goal
but behind lies your past
It rushes fast to catch you now
Please do something fast.
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Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 7:53 pm
stressed >_> People read it and vote on it but leave no feedback. sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 11:32 am
Well, you made your point clear, but it wasn't very original in structure and vocabulary. Also, it seems as if you tried some sort of rhyme scheme, but it's very messed up.
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Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 4:05 pm
Well, the rhymes I made work.. you just can't tell because of the way you are reading it. It sounds different if read out loud. e_e; But what do you mean by it wasn't very original in structure and vocabulary?
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Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 2:25 pm
No I mean that there is no rhyme cheme. You can't just throw rhymes in there at random. Either have a scheme or not at all. rhyme cschemes are things like abab, aabb.
Vocabulary wise: "pursuer pursues well" It just doesnt have any eye popping words, they're just plain. Nothing out of the ordinary. Using better words can help it flow better and give it a different feel. It's good to use words that some oeople might not know, because every word here, a 3rd grader knows. It shows talent to be able to use an odd or new word and have the reader know what it is by context.
Structure wise, not many can pull of free verse with any meager success. I'm sorry, but you're just one of the masses. The point of free verse is not to just write down what you want with no rules, because the purpose is to utilize the natural euphonic and cacophonic sounds of the English (or other) language so that they flow eloquently and smoothly. It comes with MUCH practice.
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Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:17 am
Hm.. well this being one of my firsts... do you think it is good?
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Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 2:51 pm
Oh, this is? Well then, I would say it is quite an accomplishment. I just figured that you had been writing for a long while, because of the line: "Like most of my poems." I had no idea you haven't been at it long. You could very well become talented a free verse. Keep at it! wink
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Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 8:29 am
n.n Yay. What I meant by that is that I have written a few other poems, but they were all like during the same week. I have .. four or five I've made now. Lol
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Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 11:56 am
Oh, ok. I see what you meant now.
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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 9:04 am
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Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:45 pm
Very nice. Makes sense. Reminds me of a song actually...though I can't quite put my finger on which one. confused
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Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2006 6:14 pm
I agree with the Yoder fellow, but for a new poet, you're doing well. wink Keep practicing, http://www.Dictionary.com/ is a good source for thesaurus and dictionary needs smile Use it! XD
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