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So she had the Abortion..should she tell him?

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ka tana-bozu

PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:17 pm


Ok. We're done with the "no it's murder!" "no it's not!" phase, this certain woman has had an abortion, should she tell the father? Since this issue for many is not just a yes, no answer here are 3 situations.


Situation A:
Chelsea and Mark are not married but seeing each other, and planning on marriage. After sex, using a condom Chelsea still found herself pregnant, after listing pro's and con's she decided to abort. Should she tell Mark?



Situation B:
Amanda and Derick are married with several children. Derick believes abortion is murder while Amanda takes the side of pro-choicers. They've had 3 children and Amanda has found that each of her 3 children (now 14, 16 and 12) have grown to the decision of all being pro-life. After have sex with Derick she has found herself pregnant and got the abortion.


Situation C:
Linsey and Laurence are not married, after a drunken party Linsey ended up pregnant. She is not in a relationship with Laurence but knows it is his child and had an abortion.
PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:28 pm


I think that, in any case where the couple is in any relationship ('relationship' in the denotion of 'knowing each other.' Not only sexual relationships but nonsexual relationships; not only those but friendships; not only those but acqaintances. What does this exclude? Almost nothing except rape by a stranger), she needs to tell him.

A relationship between to intelligent, comprehensive people includes working past/around/with life issues. These affect the relationship and the development of the people. Facing these issues together is vital to the relationship (remember, not just the marriage/sexual relationship. The frienships, even). If she doesn't tell him, it profoundly injures the relationship, and that effect ricochets into her and the child's father.

It is also important to consider the father's present and future involvement with her. If he believes that his actions left her unharmed or unaffected (which, physically they obviously did not. Also, she has also been affected emotionally), he may continue, and it would be difficult for the relationship to work in this case. This is especially true in the cases of marriage and serious physical intimacy.

Overall, I think it is important for a woman to inform the father (if she is able) of her decision: it is important in the relationship to overcome the issue (because, pro-choice or pro-life, an aborted pregnancy is an issue), it is important that she not keep the emotional weight of the issue upon herself, and it is important that he understand what the consequences of his actions were.

Diadema


Trite~Elegy

PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:21 pm


[ Message temporarily off-line ]
PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2006 4:42 pm


I think they all should tell them since they all know them,exspecially A and B since one is getting married (or planning on it) and the other is married, their both in serious relationships and those relations are based on trust. How can you really trust someone if you lie or hide big secrets from them? It's basically saying you don't trust them. Now C. I still think they should if they know each other well and are at least friends. No if she didn't know them at all and never see them again then I guess it wouldn't matter.

rweghrheh


Shard Aerliss

PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2006 8:46 am


I'm in agreeance with Trite here. As with all the decisions involved in this it is ultimately up to the woman.

What would I do in those situations? Well the only one I can see myself getting into is B. Quite frankly the only reason to tell my boy I got an abortion if I had, for some reason, not told him ((like he was away for a week or something)) would be if something went wrong or I got an infection. It would actually be an amusing conversation in some ways...

"Hey luv... while you were at Malestrom I found out I was pregnant. Went to see the student nurse and got an abortion."

"Well at least now you can debate on Gaia with the advantage of having firsthand experience of an abortion."

Can I ask a question along similar lines... ignoring all Pro-Choice and Pro-Life views of these fictional characters... should the women tell ((in your opinion)) thier partners if it was a spontanious abortion of an unplanned and previously unknown pregnancy?
PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 8:58 am


sachiko_sohma
I think they all should tell them since they all know them,exspecially A and B since one is getting married (or planning on it) and the other is married, their both in serious relationships and those relations are based on trust. How can you really trust someone if you lie or hide big secrets from them? It's basically saying you don't trust them. Now C. I still think they should if they know each other well and are at least friends. No if she didn't know them at all and never see them again then I guess it wouldn't matter.

Except that in some serious relationships, one person doesn't completely trust the other for various reasons (ie. past cheating, past alcoholism, past drug use, past lying in general, past abuse). It's not up to you to decide what the woman should tell the man. For all you know, she could be pregnant and in an abusive relatiosnhip. It could be lower on the scale, he will harass her about it, tell family members, friends, maybe even coworkers. It would be on the higher scale, he could beat her, maybe any existing children, maybe even kill her/them.

You have no idea how he will react, so you really don't have the right to tell ehr what to do. Only she knows (or has a pretty good idea) what will happen. We don't know, he could support her, but we don't know for sure.

I would leave the choice up to her. For me, it would depend on how far along I was. Later in pregnancy, I might tell. Early on, unless he picked up on it, I wouldn't say anything.

MipsyKitten


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:35 pm


Shard Aerliss
Can I ask a question along similar lines... ignoring all Pro-Choice and Pro-Life views of these fictional characters... should the women tell ((in your opinion)) thier partners if it was a spontanious abortion of an unplanned and previously unknown pregnancy?


If she just woke up one day and had a miscarriage... I'd say it's about as relevant to those partners as a dream about having an abortion. I'd say no, unless for whatever reason there's a benefit to telling the partner (such as picking up birth control, etc.)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 8:43 am


Should she? In most cases where there is a relationship, I'd say yes. In fact, even if there isn't a relationship, I'd say yes unless telling the man would put her life or health in danger (such as a history of abuse).

Should she legally be required to do so? No, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Passing such a law in an attempt to help all the "poor hapless men who just want to know" will only give them a tool to control women. If it were legally required, abortion clinics would have to get some sort of statement from the father indicating that he has been made aware of the pregnancy.

Passing such a law would have the same effect as passing a law that men should be able to decide whether the women they impregnate should be allowed to get an abortion or not. Therebye putting the woman's body under their control. What if he wishes to hurt her, to use her, to abuse her? He could simply not admit that he has been told about the pregnancy. He could make himself "unavailable" until it is too late for her to get an abortion.

And what about cases where he's raped her in an attempt to gain control over her? I have a friend who was raped multiple times by her abusive husband. Two of those times resulted in pregnancies and he then used her children to control her. It was because he got her pregnant the first time that she even married him, and, once living in his house, he began beating her and severed all her contact with her family and friends. It's THESE types of men such a law would help.

And how could she prove that she was raped? Nearly all rapes are by someone known to the victim, often a boyfriend or a husband. This is called date rape and proving these in court can be an extremely long and painful process (since the woman's sexual history will undoubtedly be brought up and she will have to endure the humiliation of having her character publically ripped apart). Chances are that such a court battle would go on longer than the amount of time within which the woman can legally abort.

The only thing such a law would achieve is putting women's bodies into the hands of their rapists and their abusive partners.

Is it the decent thing to tell someone that they've fathered a child? Sure. But it should NEVER be made the legally required thing.

Akhakhu


Sypherengel

PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:08 am


In my opinion, it is generally 'right' for the woman to tell the man, as long as it is what he would wish to know. The scenerio where the woman gets pregnant at a drunken party...It is more likely than not that the fatehr wouldn't neven hear about the pregnancy, so why tell him about the abortion? So he could have guilt resting on his shoulders, or maybe even an argument beteween the two could arise?

I do feel, like I said, as long as it is truly an important issue between the man and woman, that the father should be imformed, but there are countless exceptions.
(i.e. The father turns out to be a violent person, is upset that he was not consulted, and begins beating the woman for her decision.)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 2:34 pm


Personally, I think that if she cannot bring herself to tell him BEFORE the abortion, then she shouldn't tell him afterwards.

I've talked to my fiance about abortion before, and we both agree that if I didn't tell him about it, I would probably either end up resenting him because he didn't have to deal with it and I did (or maybe even because I might feel like it was "his fault" that I chose to do it anyway), and that it would be really immature if I didn't tell him.

Of course, HE would want me to get an abortion and I would probably not. But I think we could work it out because I would think about the fetus and what would await it if I did carry to term, and since I am a selfish b***h, I would never abandon it to an adoption agency, and I know that I just couldn't give it the home, the health care, and the time that it really should get.

I don't think I'm good enough to be a mommy right now, so I would probably (even though I'd hate it) abort, if I got pregnant.

But maybe I'd just run away and raise it on my own, if my childish impulses won out. Heh.

Oni no Tenshi

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The Velveteen Violinist

PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 1:55 pm


Really, should there be a law saying "If you had an abortion, you must tell your husband?"

Legally, what you think she should do has no place in anything.

Personally, I think she should. Open Commincation and Honesty, yo!

If they're gonna break up over it, they weren't much of a couple.....
PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:35 pm


MipsyKitten
sachiko_sohma
I think they all should tell them since they all know them,exspecially A and B since one is getting married (or planning on it) and the other is married, their both in serious relationships and those relations are based on trust. How can you really trust someone if you lie or hide big secrets from them? It's basically saying you don't trust them. Now C. I still think they should if they know each other well and are at least friends. No if she didn't know them at all and never see them again then I guess it wouldn't matter.

Except that in some serious relationships, one person doesn't completely trust the other for various reasons (ie. past cheating, past alcoholism, past drug use, past lying in general, past abuse). It's not up to you to decide what the woman should tell the man. For all you know, she could be pregnant and in an abusive relatiosnhip. It could be lower on the scale, he will harass her about it, tell family members, friends, maybe even coworkers. It would be on the higher scale, he could beat her, maybe any existing children, maybe even kill her/them.

You have no idea how he will react, so you really don't have the right to tell ehr what to do. Only she knows (or has a pretty good idea) what will happen. We don't know, he could support her, but we don't know for sure.

I would leave the choice up to her. For me, it would depend on how far along I was. Later in pregnancy, I might tell. Early on, unless he picked up on it, I wouldn't say anything.


It's called opinon, they asked what I think so I said. If she is a abusive relationship, then she should try to leave him or report him. Not just do nothing.

rweghrheh


The Velveteen Violinist

PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:54 pm


sachiko_sohma

It's called opinon, they asked what I think so I said. If she is a abusive relationship, then she should try to leave him or report him. Not just do nothing.

Aye-aye. If it was an abusive relationship and she had an abortion, I think that she should just stay away from him. PERIOD.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:10 am


sachiko_sohma
It's called opinon, they asked what I think so I said. If she is a abusive relationship, then she should try to leave him or report him. Not just do nothing.

I don't care if it's your 'opinion'. Some women are in abusive relationships, because they feel there is no way out. It's easy for you to say she should just report it, or leave, but it's not that easy. Unless you've actually dealt with it, or studied it first hand, I suggest not acting like you know what's best.

MipsyKitten

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The Abortion Debate Guild

 
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