Welcome to Gaia! ::

Stephanie made his way solemnly toward the gardens having already dismissed Humphrey before leaving his room. He trusted the man implicitly but this was to be a conversation that needed to be completely private, even from his manservant. Not because he intended to speak of state secrets or intrigue or anything of the sort, no. It was something much more personal than that. He needed to have a talk with his sister.

Aleithia had been much on his mind ever since a particularly fateful history lesson. The professor had unintentionally managed to perhaps teach him a lesson that applied to his personal life rather than the fate of nations. He had sat with his thoughts, swallowed the bitter draught of his own inadequacies, and it was past time he faced the light of day and the sister he had behaved most egregiously toward, however unintentionally.

At this time of day, Stephanie expected that he could find his dear sister taking tea in the gardens and a brief telepathic scan confirmed that expectation. He supposed he could not ask for a better setting as he did find the scent of flowers relaxing. Stephanie stepped into the garden, his pace quickening somewhat as he neared his goal.

Finding Aleithia sipping tea in peace, Stephanie briefly hesitated to interrupt her. He did not imagine that this conversation would be pleasant for either of them and it seemed a shame to disturb her. But Stephanie knew that those were the thoughts of a coward and he would be even more loath to start a difficult conversation if Aleithia was already distressed. ”Sister, might I join you? I would like to have a word.”

As Stephanie approached, he quickly began to realize that the peaceful quiet that Aleithia sat in was only a facade. He could not see the tremble of her hands, but he could sense the disquiet that caused it. He considered changing tacks and asking after her troubles; under any other circumstances he would not even question that it was the right thing to do. But if he made this conversation about Aleithia, once more swooping in unbidden to save her from her troubles, that would defeat the purpose would it not? He would offer his sister his ear if she wished, but he would not presume to behave as though she needed him to intercede.

When he spoke, Aleithia surprised him with her naked concern for him. But even more surprising was the realization that she knew, or at least suspected, that he was blind. How long had she…? No, it did not matter. He had already decided that he would tell her today, during this very conversation. Perhaps the fact that she already suspected would make it easier to speak of and give him a good place to launch into this difficult conversation.

Stephanie gestured briefly and the empty seat lifted and set itself down closer for him to settle into. He had not missed Aleithia’s brief stutter, a clear indicator that she was troubled even if he could already sense it in her thoughts. He wanted to comfort her, Aleithia never wore her anxieties so openly, but he was reminded of his purpose here when his sister asked if he was well.

He wanted to downplay it, as he always did. The prince swallowed that urge and shook his head slightly. ”No. No, I am not. There is much I need to say and I promise you I will come to a point with all of this. But first I must make a confession.” He hesitated, even knowing that his words would be no surprise to Aleithia. ”I am blind… almost entirely so. I have been for years. At best I can sometimes distinguish bright colors, but that is all. I have thus far managed to get by only by making extensive use of my abilities. Which, as you know, I was stripped of during Professor Langali’s hands on lesson.”

It was the first hurdle he had to jump, but not the only one. The rest would be just as difficult, but it needed to be said and at least he had finally begun. ”I was helpless. I have not felt that way in years… not since we were all very small. Had Miss Alosa not assisted me, I likely would have done unintentional harm to myself. But I still… I resented it. Please do not misunderstand, I was grateful for her help, but a part of me resented that I was put in that position to begin with. Powerless, sightless, unable to do for myself and so obviously so that she offered to help without my asking. It was utterly humiliating. But when I finally tired of feeling sorry for myself, I realized…”

“I have made you feel that way for your entire life… haven’t I?” Stephanie had lowered his voice and dropped his head under the weight of the shame in his words. ”I remembered that night in the main hall, when the pillar fell. For just a moment you had the very natural thought that perhaps I would not treat you as I do if you had powers like Milo’s. And I reacted like a child, offended that you would ever think I would stop protecting you just because you had such a power. But I missed the far more important point; I realize that now. You must have felt as humiliated as I did in the dream. Only you have been made to feel that way for years, even over matters you are perfectly capable of handling. You are not blind, or missing a limb, or in any other way impaired; what does it matter whether you have powers? And yet it has mattered every day of your life and my actions have only compounded that sin. For that, I am truly and deeply sorry. It was never my intent and you deserved far better.”

“Your Nadia thinks me no better than a prison warden and I begin to think she is right. You were safe when I reached out to you. You were happy. I could have merely asked you to be careful and shared what I knew. And I do not know why I did not do that. Had I done so, you may never have been in any danger to begin with. How many other times over the years have I similarly robbed you of dignity, secure in my self-righteousness as the protective brother? As blind to my own cruelty as I am to everything else.”

Stephanie frowned deeply, his sightless eyes directed at his fists balled in his lap. But then he shook his head, brushing aside his self pity as best he could. ”Lest you misunderstand, I am still your brother and you can ask me for anything, anything, and I swear it will be done if it is within my power. But my place as your brother does not entitle me to abuse you as I have. It disgusts me to use that word, but it is true. I will do better. I will become the brother you deserve. And I will hope that you can forgive me for my failings.”

Stephanie absolutely hated making Aleithia worry at all and he most especially hated making her worry for him, but he wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to open up to her as he never had before. He hoped that perhaps if he did, it would be the first step toward fixing what he had broken. Gods help him if he was wrong and he was burdening his little sister for no reason at all.

As he spoke, Aleithia’s first reaction was a brief moment of smugness but that faded quickly to guilt and dread. In truth, he would have much preferred for her to remain smug. It was not the prettiest emotion, but it would have weighed far less on her delicate shoulders; that was all that had ever mattered to him. But allowing that to be all that mattered had led him to make very poor decisions for a very long time.

He did not know if he was making the right decision now either, but he knew that he needed to change something. And he knew that it would be uncomfortable to do, but what was that in comparison to Aleithia’s struggles? He could sense the volatile shift in her emotions and knew when the first tears began to fall from her eyes. He hated to make her cry. He had sworn to himself he never would again. Stephanie’s fists tightened in his lap at the thought.

Aleithia spoke after a long moment and at first Stephanie felt a measure of relief in spite of himself. He would not forgive himself so easily, but it was a balm to his heart to know that Aleithia was not angry with him. But relief soon turned sour in his gut as he realized that Aleithia had instead seemingly turned her anger and disappointment onto herself. He had tried to comfort her in those times, but what good were his words when he still treated her as though she was something fragile?

Stephanie wanted to interject, to vehemently insist that Aleithia could never be a burden to him. But she knew that he felt that way; it wasn’t enough. And how could he argue when it had changed nothing? Nearly everyone around Aleithia had treated her as though she was being a nuisance just by existing. He had thought he was at least better than that and he had loved his sister not even an ounce less than he would have if she had powers. But he had trapped her behind cold stone walls every bit as much as their parents had. And he never spoke of it, just as Aleithia said. He never spoke of anything with anyone. He had always believed he had the best reasons, but it seemed so cold in retrospect.

As Aleithia spoke of Nadia, her emotions tugged slightly in another direction and Stephanie mentally retreated a step. He was not unaware of the tender feelings between his sister and the strong-willed woman she cared for, but the least he could afford his sister was a measure of privacy for a delicate matter. He was not here to expose her secrets, but his own.

Stephanie rose from his chair to stand by Aleithia’s and pulled her into a gentle hug as she spoke of being lucky. He knew she was right and he had long feared what might happen if anyone learned that Aleithia had no powers. But it wasn’t enough; allowing her to exist without fear should not have been even the bare minimum!

”I will never hate you. I would not even know how to; I love you more than anything, Aleithia. All I have ever wanted was to spare you pain and anguish. But that was never a realistic goal and I’ve only hurt you in trying to reach it. I kept everything inside, but please know that was never your fault. It was never because you were lacking in any way. It was always because I was weak, I was scared, and I…” Stephanie swallowed heavily as though the words at the tip of his tongue could just be washed away. Then he sighed and let them fall, his voice softer.

”I hated myself. For not being able to make our parents see your worth. For falling at all, but worse than that I was too frightened to save myself. And then I went about wailing and carrying on. You were so young, Aleithia… even if I was terrified I should have been comforting you, not making matters worse. What kind of brother makes his little sister cry? I swore that I would eradicate my weakness. That I would be strong enough for my sisters to rely on and I would never need to be rescued or make you cry again. That is the truth of it, sister. You were never the flawed one; I was. I still am, and I have made you cry again. But I will not make the same mistake of shutting you out again.”

For a moment Aleithia was genuinely confused followed by a sense that this was inappropriate and far too public. Perhaps she was right; normally Stephanie was so reserved and was very careful about touching anyone publicly, even his sisters. But even in acknowledging that, Stephanie just did not care. If anything, he would hold on even tighter, propriety be damned. How could he do anything else when his sister’s eyes were wet with tears? Perhaps that was even the right move as Aleithia’s small hands fluttered up to ball up in the fabric of his shirt.

Stephanie gently stroked his sister’s hair and held her as she cried. Seconds ticked over into minutes unnoted. Eventually a rather unladylike snort escaped Aleithia followed by a bit of light laughter. Stephanie smiled fondly in spite of himself. It was such a candid moment between them and he could not remember when last they had shared one. It was almost a shame when she pulled away, but he could not hold onto her forever. There was a sentiment he could certainly read into if he let himself.

It was an impossible goal from the first. As a man grown now, Stephanie should have realized it long ago but he was blinded by his own zeal and far too stubborn to give up on his goal. He could not and should not shoulder the responsibility for everything and everyone. He was not sure if he even knew how to let go; he had tried to be infallible for so long. And of course no one was, but he had given no less effort for that knowledge,

”My feelings.” Stephanie repeated with surprise, his eyelashes fluttering slightly as he processed the thought. His feelings… Had he really put them on the back burner? He had not thought so, but had he really considered it from Aleithia’s perspective? If his feelings were so locked down that she had to be reassured of his love, then perhaps he had been holding them far closer to his chest than he had realized. What feelings of note did he even experience outside of love and concern for his sisters? He barely even had friends and certainly not a lover.

But he was getting ahead of himself. One step at a time. For today, what he needed to take to heart was that he had made himself unapproachable and that was something that he needed to address. ”You are right, of course. You are absolutely right. I do not think I realized how unapproachable I had become. Very well; I shall do my best.”