|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2020 3:59 am
Episode 1:
A Voice Through The Cloud Of Time Meanwhile in the town of Endsville, it was a pleasant morning, the sun was up and the storm clouds perpetually covering the space above Kokujo's house weren’t quite as gloomy as usual. This had the general population of the town slightly worried, as usually Corbenik had at least tried to break something with a giant robot by now, and yet little known to everyone, this was where a brand new adventure would begin. "....No Corbenik, that doesn't count..." "Why not?""You just used coffee in your cereal instead of milk" "There's milk!""Where?" "Hot chocolate mix""That's not-" "It's milk-chocolate! It counts! I'm going to eat this cereal and become the next ******** Mr Universe, you watch these abs grow!""You don't have abs" "I will after this healthy bowl of cereal""You're eating coco-puffs!" "Still milk chocolate!! Don't fitness-splain me, your haircut basically tells everyone you've never seen a PE class in your life!"The dark duo exchanged pleasantries over a fairly normal breakfast as Corbenik lauded his sugary, and also now highly caffeinated cereal. Defiant in his certainty that surely after eating something he perceived to be healthy, he would wake up tomorrow with a brand new set of at least a thousand super swole abs. "Urgh, whatever, at least you don't need to cook that" Kokujo conceded, reasoning correctly that nothing logical he could say would snap his feline companion out of the latest of his many successive delusions "I still can't believe you managed to almost set the house on fire after you already broke my cooker, the repair person told me it would never work again before that...." "Oho! He was sorely mistaken!""Indeed..." Kokujo looked away for a moment as he tried to push the painful memory of the experience back into the recesses of his mind to join the heaping mounds of others "Well, in any case, there was a package for you today" Kokujo reached over to place an oblong parcel on the table, wrapped neatly in nondescript brown paper "It wasn't beeping, leaking toxic substances, or trying to have a discussion with the postman about the merits of satanism, so you can have it". "Oh boy!" Corbenik stopped as he was about to dig in to his new wonder food cereal to gaze excitedly at the package "It's probably more of those Yo-Gurt-Oh cards I ordered. Did I tell you the new Revelations of a Musty Pantry set got released just last month? That stuff's super ill!"Corbenik hurriedly ripped open the wrapping paper, and without faltering for a moment, the top of the box as well. In this instance having cat claws served him quite well, particularly since he wouldn't bother to clean up the clouds of cardboard confetti sprinkling an ever more unamused looking Kokujo. "Hmf, whatever" Kokujo said rolling his eyes to the side "I still have no idea how you manage to be so good at that game, yet have an IQ that's not even in the whole numbers" "You're a whole number!..." Corbenik started reflexively, then paused, having not thought as far ahead as what his witty attachment to that line might be. There was a slightly awkward moment of silence, yet Kokujo decided simply to humor him and remained expectantly quiet ".... A... whole number of shits I don't give!" he finally added, donning about him the look of elated satisfaction that a 10 year old gets when they just called into question the sexual orientation of someone's mum. "Oh no... how will I ever come back from that one?" Kokujo replied in a sarcastic tone so flat it could spawn its own scientific conspiracy theories. "Looks like it's not cards you've got there however..." Kokujo glanced down at the package Corbenik had just shredded open, revealing two neatly fitted and substantially more bulky items. One of them seemed to be some sort of arm mounted device. Kokujo couldn't immediately make out what its purpose was though other than a tiny arm shaped cuff that almost looked like it was small enough to fit Corbenik, and some mechanical components indicating the device could likely fold out in some way. The other thing however, Kokujo did recognize, and he reached to pluck it carefully from its ripped container. "A VHS tape..." He mused, turning the brick shaped recording medium over in his hand. "A what?" Corbenik exclaimed, perplexed "I didn't order this, what is it?""It's about as old as your earlier use of the word 'ill' " Kokujo replied "Also, it's a video". "A video, on this? Hah, I find that unlikely! This thing should be auditioning for a role in 2001, because it's black, angular, and so big you could fill it with any number of stars... like Sean Connery" Corbenik protested, grabbing the video tape from Kokujo's hand "What do you even do with this thing anyway?""Well first I'll need to find my old VHS player and a SCART cable" Kokujo glanced to one side, rubbing his pale chin in thought "Then maybe w- oh" he stopped himself as he looked back to find the tape halfway inside of Corbenik's mouth, the black cat stopping his consumption for a moment to meet the shadowmancer's unimpressed stare with a very 'What? Is there something on my face?' kind of expression "...Part of me feels like I can't be too mad, because I should have expected that, but really, I looked away for about one second... one!" Corbenik simply responded with a few loud slurps as more of the tape slowly descended into his maw. "Well..." Kokujo sighed "I guess we're not finding out what's on that thing, though I dare say it was healthier for you than your 'cereal' will ever be" "Out of control abs, man!" Corbenik replied, having finished consuming the archaic media storage. "Hmf, just try not to eat whatever else is in here" Kokujo scolded "if you didn't order this, then I wonder who could have sent you this strange item... it all seems very suspect" "It's a shame whoever sent this thing didn't include some manner of communication to explain why they sent me this" Corbenik shrugged, pausing for a moment to burp up a few stray pieces of plastic "Maybe it's a promo pack from one of those big game companies, they must have finally heard about my sweet Gutube let's-play channel, I knew it was lying when it told me I had negative 2 subscribers. Now I just need to- Ooooh, hey Edger Poe, you got a Skype call"Corbenik swiftly became distracted from his fantasies of internet fame and add revenue when Kokujo's laptop on the nearby coffee table sprang to life, emitting a noise not unlike an electric organ submerged in barbeque sauce. "Hmm, it's from an unknown user" the computer's dark-clad owner raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "On screen!!" Corbenik commanded, turning dramatically in his seat to point a commanding digit at the laptop. Rather than the swift sci-fi-esque response one might have expected though, instead a moldy sponge with gently bouncing googly eyes stuck on to it hauled itself up to the table with a slightly gooey mycelium appendage, flopped over to the laptop, and clicked the 'accept video call' button.  The screen quickly changed to an image of a sinister looking man set against a darkened, nondescript room. At least nondescript was the only sense you could get of the room based upon the fact the man's overly eccentric hair style blocked most of the view not already covered by his leering face. Kokujo narrowed his eyes in apprehensive curiosity as he noted the strange eye marking the man had on his forehead, exuding a soft yet eerie pale glow, matching the warmer orange glow emanating from a pair of intense - and slightly mentally unstable - looking eyes. "Who are you?" Kokujo demanded of the crazy looking man "Hahaha, I see th-... huh what?... Oh, damn Skype lag" The strange man grumbled before clearing his throat to continue. "I see that my message went, unreceived...""Well maybe you should have given it to me on something that doesn't look like Moses' grocery list" Corbenik complained. "Hey, I taped over some of my favorite home videos for that, it was really cool and well rehearsed" the mystery man griped in reply "but fortunately I had this backup plan should that method fail" he proceeded to don a deviant looking smirk "Allow me to introduce myself then, my dear player. I am known as Qelid, the King of Games, and creator of those cards you have in your possession, the cards of Yo-Gurt-Oh trademark". "Just, all games?" Asked Kokujo, raising an eyebrow "Like checkers, or poker, or that game Corbenik invented last week to see how many magic markers he needed to sniff before actually becoming magic?" "There were some rules and objectives to that game, but I forgot what they were after marker number 8" Corbenik clarified "Well alright, King Mostly of One Specific Card Game, but that's beside the point, I come before you now so I can invite you to be part of a much grander game" he chuckled menacingly "Consider this message, and your other 'gift' in the package, to be my official invitation to the ultimate Yo-Gurt-Oh tournament, the likes of which has never been seen before. You see, I've been watching, watching as my creation made its way into the hands of gamers all around Gaia, watched as games were played and battles fought, and I have decided to choose only those I've deemed truly worthy to join my grand tournament""Well, Qelid, as curious of an individual as you are, I have better things to do than enter a silly card game tournament for a prize which I can only imagine would be a lifetime's supply of hair gel, so I refuse" rebuffed the dark clad home-owner. "Oh, but I'm not inviting you Mr Atradeus, I'm inviting him" Qelid said, pointing a finger toward Corbenik "It seems your companion there is most worthy of this, unique opportunity...""Urgh, of course it would be him" Kokujo grumped, running a hand down his face in frustration. He wished that once in a while maybe Corbenik wouldn't attract crazy people. Glancing over towards his fur-covered companion the shadowmancer saw to his dismay the childlike excitement on his face that told him Corbenik was totally into the idea, despite the fact that it was at this point clearly obvious this weirdo with the glowing eye on their forehead must have some ulterior motive. "The alternative is I could just end the Skype call, block your number, and Corbenik will have nothing to do with your silly children's card game tournament" Kokujo had to admit though that maybe, just maybe he was also a little incensed that apparently he wasn't considered good enough at Yo-Gurt-Oh to be the one invited. "Ah, but what if I make him a more.... persuasive invitation?"The curiously haired man narrowed his eyes, and the soft glow that emerging from them seemed to pulse, building in intensity along with the glowing eyeball glyph upon his head. A flickering static interference started to slightly warp the LCD image, and from it emanated a heavy feeling, that of a powerful magic being plied, and as Kokujo stared back at the image of Qelid, distorting occasionally into strange shapes by the magical interference, he noted the image of that eye symbol remained unchanged on the screen, as if it transcended the physical bounds placed upon it. " Tch, this guy... to think he has magic strong enough to influence things even through a screen" Kokujo narrowed his eyes, realizing he might have brushed off the spikey-haired oddball as mostly harmless a little too carelessly. He drew back a little, expecting some kind of life or death battle with a dastardly evil minion, as per the norm when he was around his usual company at the Lunar Hope " What could he be up to?". Corbenik however seemed completely unconcerned and continued watching interestedly, reaching over to take a swig from a nearby Coke he'd been enjoying with breakfast, and having the general air about him of someone watching a pretty neat movie. "Oh my, I say, I don't seem to be feeling so chipper right now my chaps..." Soggybegone, still situated next to the laptop screen, did not look too great right now, and for a creature consisting almost entirely of a moldy sponge to not look great compared to the norm, this was quite worrying. The spongy gentleman sagged down, almost looking out of breath, if sponges could even manage that. "...I, think perhaps... a pick-me-up is in order... like some, delightful Darjeeling teeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" The sponge's sentence was cut off with an extremely polite sounding scream as the fungal being was engulfed suddenly by a mystical energy and seemed to phase out, vanishing like a ghost and leaving only a few patches of spore-encrusted moisture to mark where the gentlemanly cleaning utensil had been. The foreboding presence of magical energy faded from the room, Qelid's forehead eye returning to its normal dimmer radiance. With a satisfied grin he held up what looked to be a Yo-Gurt-Oh card of some sort. On closer inspection though it could be seen that the image on the card was that of the unfortunate abducted gentlesponge. The printed image looked about as distressed as a collection of usually inanimate objects could, or maybe it was just imagination on the part of the viewer... probably the latter. "And now, your little companion belongs to me" Qelid grinned triumphantly "What? Did you think I was just some powerless card game enthusiast with too much time on their hands? Haha, if only you were so lucky. As it happens, I'm actually quite a magically adept card game enthusiast with too much time on their hands""What have you done?" Kokujo growled at the screen, now even more guarded, not really knowing the depth of the strange individual’s power, but very wary of it if he could affect things remotely like that. "Simple, really, I just took this creature's essence and grafted it into this more - compact - medium which you refer to as a trading card" Qelid casually flipped the card between his fingers "Should you want to have any chance of getting your friend back, then you'll join my tournament" he threatened There were a few quiet moments as the effect of what had just transpired sunk in to Corbenik's mind "Dude..." he said, blinking dumbfoundedly "...That was ******** sweet!" the cat grasped the sides of his fuzzy face with his paws, as if it was all he could do to contain the sheer amount of excitement "You have the power of turning things into trading cards?! Can you do Kokujo next?""...What?""Oh, what rarity is ol' Soggy there?"Confused, Qelid glanced at the card almost out of instinct "Uh... looks like just a common""Aw man, that's lame. Hey, I’ll trade you for a couple of Concerned Clothespin Wizards though" Corbenik offered. "Dude, those cards suck, I'm not trading for them, at least offer a set of 3 of 'em so- Ugh, wait, you don't care that I just stole your friend's immortal soul?" Qelid asked, very indignantly perplexed by the lack of almost all of the ******** he had expected the dark cat to provide. Corbenik shrugged "Eh, I can always indoctrinate some more moldy objects. I mean, have you seen Kyla's basement?" replied the cat, completely unphased "I'm gonna need you to fill in as my official button presser in the mean time though... unless you tell me the secrets of making card-people". "That does it! If you don't care about your roomies, then I'll take something you DO care about!"Qelid's luminous forehead sigil began to shine brightly again, the ominous feeling of ancient magic returning. You could also get the feeling though, that this time he was being a bit less overdramatic with the whole thing, and rather quickly and with far less fuss, the bowl containing Corbenik's dubious 'cereal' concoction began to slowly fade into the aether. "NO!" Corbenik shouted, a stubby paw flying out to grasp at his cereal bowl, but ineffectually wisping straight through its fading ghostly image as it was spirited away "My cereal! My abs! You sick b*****d!" he clenched a furry fist, glaring at Qelid on the screen "How could you!? You'll pay for what you've done this day, mark my words! Mark them with permanent marker, like the kind substitute teachers ruin whiteboards with!""Well well, now I have your attention my feline friend-""We are no longer friends, we are now 'It's complicated' ""... Allow me to explain this game of mine. In the box I sent you, you will find a particular device that I have created specially for this 'event', I call this the Battle Gage also trademark" the figure of Qelid on the screen indicated towards what was left of the package and its remaining unconsumed item "It will allow the wearer to call forth effects of cards, and visages of monsters in a far more 'animated' sense, to play the game the way it was always intended. The device will also keep track of certain data, such as your life points, naturally, but also you standings in the tournament and various stats... not that you seem like the stats sort of person mind you" he went on "Of course, there will be others participating in my games, and the Battle Gage comes equipped with a locator that allows you to find other nearby duelists who have one. Just remember that if you can see them, they can also see you" he chuckled sinisterly "Oh, and it's also USB chargeable and Wi-Fi enabled""Well that's still pretty sick, but I'm also still going to find you and eviscerate the very Platonic concept of your existence with this fork...""It was cereal, why do you have a- ugh, I don't even care any more" "Muahahaha, well, you'll get your chance, if of course you can cut it in my tournament. The first round will consist of 1-off non-elimination duels with your other fellow competitors that roam Gaia, and at the end, only those with the best records will advance to the finals, taking the form of elimination matches" Qelid explained "If you manage to come out on top, then and only then will you reach the final test, me" his face tugged itself into an arrogant sneer "Only then will you be worthy to fight for the title of King of Games-"There suddenly came a loud and deliberate cough from Kokujo. "....Of one Specific Card Game, and only then too will you get your precious cereal back. However, if I win, hmhmhmhmm, well, you'll just have to wait and see"Kokujo in the mean time had been more closely examining the so-called 'Battle Gage', having figured that at this point he'd heard crazy villains monologuing so much he could have written the guy's speech himself. Now he looked more closely he could sense an odd energy from the device, a subtle but powerful magic the likes of which he didn't quite understand, but immediately knew that it probably meant trouble. "Corbenik... that battle gadget-" "-Gage""... I don't think you should put that o-" "I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, YOU SNACK SNATCHING PARTY STRIPPER!!"With a lack of caution and personal restraint completely expected of Corbenik, he grabbed hold of the crazy man's strange possibly-magical device and shoved it onto his right wrist. The bracer-like attachment on the device's base automatically clamped down on the cat's furry arm, being crafted to fit the tiny being perfectly. As soon as the device was affixed to its new owner, a circle of odd arcane symbols grafted into the casing of the accessory illuminated themselves in a swirling orange-yellow glow, emanating from them the similar ominous aetherial pressure as Qelid earlier. A portion of this incandescent power began to flow into Corbenik's arm in slim yet eager arcs of ghostly energy that wound their way up towards the black cat's bulbous head, upon which the mystical currents traced the faintly luminous outline of a stylized eye on the dark creature's forehead. Though it slowly faded from view shortly after its deposition, there was the distinct feeling it was not really gone. Corbenik struck a diabolical power-stance as took in whatever strange powers Qelid had packed into his trade-marked gizmo. Feeling that a good power-up stance was only proper for this sort of thing. "Muahahaha, yes! I feel... I FEEEL... mostly the same as I did 5 second ago to be honest, but this thing looks hella' pimp" the cat said rather anti-climatically, a little disappointed that despite his well-practiced power-stance he wasn't now either cursed with terrible dark powers for all eternity, or mysteriously blonde. "Hahaha, well, now you're part of my game, whether you want to be or not" Qelid gloated, apparently satisfied with whatever effects his fancy arm doo-dad had far more than its current wearer "I'm sure you'll learn quickly what my mark can do, and you'll need to. Now you're part of the tournament, no doubt the other competitors will be eager to put you to the test, muahahaha. For now though, I guess I'll be holding onto your so-called breakfast" he made a show of turning over the card trapping Corbenik's sucrose-filled cereal bowl in his hands idly "If I were you though, I wouldn't get too attached""Hey, ******** you"
"COME FIGHT ME AT CARD GAMES, YOU WON'T!!"
With that the conversation window abruptly closed
"...Couldn't you have at least waited until after breakfast to attract the ire of some villainous basketcase this time?" Kokujo grumpily huffed "I can't believe you fell for his crude scheme so easily... actually no, I can completely believe that, but still-"
Before much more could be said, there came a sharp rapping on Kokujo's front door, prompting the shadowmancer to cut the conversation short with a quick 'got my eye on you' motion before wandering over to open the door. For a few moments that the dark man would almost use the word 'nice' to describe - probably after finding it in a thesaurus - the feeling that he might actually see someone normal this morning. Surely the laws of the universe themselves would not permit any higher a concentration of weirdness in such a short span of time. One could imagine his disappointment when he opened the door to find someone who looked as if he was just came from Grease, and Kokujo wasn't sure whether that was the musical or the oil-based lubricant.
"Eyy, my man. It's ya boi here, Spike, Spike Cheezit, y'probably heard of me, y'know, from cool places"
Kokujo's wryly unamused expression remained entirely unperturbed at this introduction. Admittedly he had stopped paying any attention to it after the word 'boi', and instead his dull gaze drifted down to the man's left arm, around which one of Qelid's so called Battle Gages was firmly attached.
"Yo, anyway though, I'm lookin' for- " The greasy man's request was quickly thwarted as Kokujo - without so much as a single word - rather casually closed and locked the door on him.
"Hey who was it? Mormons? Kold?.... I feel like you'd have the same reaction" Corbenik's ears perked up with interest.
"No one" Kokujo replied flatly yet with a sense of grim purpose "No one. at. all"
"Ah man, I was hoping it would be like, a second mailman or something, maybe this time with those freaking cards I ordered"
Suddenly, there was an almighty crash as part of Kokujo's wall was suddenly caved in by an unknown force. Kokujo whipped around to see what the heck had just busted up his wall (for about the 12th time this month), but was only in time to catch a brief colourful shimmer of dispersing magic before the leather-clad individual he had just shut out wandered in through the rubble.
"Ain't nobody stoppin' Spike Cheezit from gettin' his game on, not even if that nobody is a solid wall, my man" he declared, in a manner that instinctively made Kokujo slightly incensed at the very notion that the words so much as touched his eardrums.
"....Get. out. of. my. house" Kokujo narrowed his eye at the man, giving him a death glare that might have already been followed up on if Kokujo wasn't at least a bit wary of whatever strange force he'd used to destroy his wall.
"Oh, woah, hey my dude, chill" Spike backed away a few paces from the seething shadowmancer, putting his hands up defensively "Spike Cheezit don't want no whack business with you. I'm just here to play some dope cards, coz' that's what Spike Cheezit does!" He jerked a thumb towards himself for emphasis "You're lookin' at a bonafide Yo-Gurt-Oh pro tour playa' boi-"
"Never call me that again..."
"Aight, listen cuz-"
"Also never call me that"
" -Here's the 411 on the sitch, I'm a pretty big deal in the card slammin' circles, so Spike Cheezit gots himself a place in the greatest tourney of all time, and as usual I'm intending to slay! I'll prove that only Spike Cheezit gots those bill-payin' skills to be top dawg, you followin' me fam?"
"...Why do you speak only in those strange riddles Corbenik sometimes uses?"
While Kokujo was momentarily wrestling with the conflicting emotions of anger and severe confusion, Spike took a moment to quickly glance around the room, picking up on Corbenik, and more importantly, the device he was wearing that mirrored his own.
"Don't sweat the deetz homes, Spike Cheezit's only here for one thing" He turned to point at Corbenik "To throw down with him!"
"You broke my wall!"
"I just saw yo' a** poppin' in on my bloopity-doodly-dohicky here. Looks like you've just joined the tournament, that makes you easy pickings! Spike Cheezit is gonna' enjoy paddin' some stats on you, bruv"
"Dude, sweet entrance, that was even faster than I hoped. If it's card games you want, it's card games that I also want! I'll take your challenge!" Corbenik struck a dramatic pose
"Don't ignore me!"
"Hah, you don't have a choice homie-slice" Spike retorted as the softly glowing outlines of Qelid's eye emblems started to appear across both of the competitor's foreheads, reacting to each-other's presence as if in response to the issued challenge "This'll be an easy W for Spike Cheezit. I don't care if ya' got pro skillz under the hood, you're still a newb when it comes to this version of the game" He smirked, evidently hoping that by catching his competition off-guard when they hadn't even figured out what Qelid's invention was capable of, he would get an easy game.
"The only W you'll be getting is a double-u-lose-buddy" Corbenik shot back "C'mon ya meta-gaming weirdo, I've watched all your tourney games, and you're the lamest thing since Kokujo's wall was still standing!"
"Just... why do I even bother?"
"That's some outta' control BM there bud, don't hate the player, hate the game. I'm just using the tools I got, dig?" Spike shrugged very unapologetically, looking rather smug in the process.
"...What am I digging? Or do you just mean do I dig holes in general? Not sure if you saw the garden out there, but I'm almost as good at digging pointless holes as I am at playing cards" Corbenik adopted a smug look of his own, despite completely misunderstanding the situation.
"...Spike Cheezit was kinda' wondering 'bout the holes, but enough of your stalling G, it's time to get your game on! Spike Cheezit's got more games to win today"
"Ooohoho hell yes, it's time to duel!" Corbenik gleefully fished in his plot-convenient fur of holding, grabbing his Yo-Gurt-Oh deck and slotting it into the appropriately marked holder on his wrist device.
As if detecting that the cardboard gauntlet had been thrown, the Battle Gages on the respective player's arms buzzed into operation, parts folding out a compact platform marked with various illuminated outlines, symbols, and arrows to indicate places were cards of certain types were meant to be placed. The arcane symbols etched into the central portion's angular surfaces gleamed as the makeshift playzones fixed in place with a mechanical click. Upon the centre of the machine, darkened screens swiftly blinked to life, displaying the competitor's life totals, a healthy 8000.
"Due to the effect of me being overwhelmingly amazing, I'll go first!" Corbenik declared.
"Hey wait, can you just do that?" Spike raised an eyebrow "You know these things have dice rolling functions and-"
"Too bad, I just did" the cat retorted as a green light appeared next to his life point total, apparently indicating it was his turn "The game knows".
The competitors drew their opening hands - Spike a bit more begrudgingly than his hairy opponent - and Corbenik wasted no time making the first move.
"I summon Butterscotch the Delicionatior in attack mode!"
Promptly digging a paw into one of his ears he tossed a small candy pumpkin down in front of him, which transformed into his cupcakubus cohort in a delectable puff of icing sugar.
"Aaaah, what devious machinations have you stirred me for this time my dark master?" Butterscotch yawned, eyeing her surroundings. A pissed off looking shadow mage and a large hole in the wall, pretty normal, though as she caught site of Spike her expression faltered a little into one of slightly offended displeasure "Eugh, who's this?"
"Use rotten cupcake attack!" Corbenik pointed towards his bamboozled opponent.
Without much second thought the sucrose-infused daemon materialized a crusty cupcake in an elegant hand, one that looked about ten centuries past its sell-by date, and pitched it at Spike.
"OW, hey!" the leather-clad gamer protested as the hardened snack bounced quite painfully off his face.
As if in extra insult to his injury, the LP count on his Battle Gage dropped from 8000 to 7999 with a short beeping sound.
"You can't do that!" Spike rubbed the large red mark on his cheek "She's not even a real card! If I find a judge to call over you're gonna be sorry".
Corbenik shrugged "Aw fine then, I place 3 cards face-down, your move gel-lord"
The runes adorning Corbenik's Battle Gage pulsed as he placed the cards down, causing enlarged images of the three face-downs to materialize infront of the conniving kitty.
"Super nifty" his ears twitched excitedly "Take five Butters, the magnificent and dashingly evil dark hero can take it from here. Your very important task is to make me a feast worthy of a king for my imminent victory... a very overweight king who doesn't watch their diet much"
"As usual the masterful complexity of your dark plots completely elude me my lord, but as ever I know you will lay sugary waste to all before you" Butterscotch gave her feline benefactor a graceful bow.
She had no idea what the ******** was happening, but found this to be usual, and her likely misplaced faith in Corbenik had granted her the assumption that he must surely know what he was doing. Throwing a last mean glace towards Spike, she wandered over to the sidelines to join Kokujo and Corbenik's sentient bowl of soup, Boogaloo, who had hopped over in the meantime to see what all the fuss was about.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:20 am
"Haha, not summoning any proper monsters huh? My boi's greener than an electric car, here, let Spike Cheezit teach ya' a lesson 'bout what you've gotten into, I draw!"Spike drew a card, placing it into his hand, then wasted little time in summoning - this time properly - a monster of his own. "I summon Toxic Squirrel, in attack mode!"Toxic Squirrel ATK: 1200 DEF: 600 This time the mystical letterings on Spike's Battle Gage surged with power as he placed his card, emitting a stream of energy onto the battlefield before him. As he declared the summoning, the eye symbol upon his forehead shone brighter as if kindled by the released magic, or perhaps the magic partly kindling it. The metaphysical miasma quickly coalesced into the form of the monster he had summoned, a large and rather irritable looking grey squirrel. "Holy Pandemonium, real monsters!" Corbenik exclaimed in a mix of astonishment and child-like wonder. "Hmf, they're probably just holograms created for the soul purpose of enhancing the experience of a children's card game" Kokujo cut in, unimpressed. "Nah, they're real monsters" Spike stated casually "What?!" "I use Toxic Squirrel to attack your life points directly"The angry acorn hoarding mammal quickly heeded the command, and took a running leap at Corbenik, landing a flying tea-bag maneuver as its fluffy crotch connected squarely with the black cat's face like a much ruder drop kick. Taking the - very much real - impact, Corbenik was sent flying into the wall, crashing though a coffee table and chest of drawers, and eliciting a groan from Kokujo in reaction to his house being further damaged. "I told ya'" Spike gloated as the dust settled "You ain't playin' with paper and ink now fam, we gettin' real, and when you take damage you be takin' damage" he emphasized with a cocky chuckle "Anywho, I'm throwing down a couple of face-downs and calling it a turn. That is, if y'don't want to give up rather than getting beaten to a pulp by Spike Cheezit""This... this is..." Corbenik coughed as he slowly dragged himself from the debis and back to his place at the duel "....the BEST. DAY. EVER!" he exclaimed. Kokujo could practically see the sparkles in the dark cat's eyes. Last time he could remember Corbenik getting like that was when Endsville shopping centre had made the grave mistake of opening a new sweet shop, and even now they were still cleaning up the wreckage... "Give up? No way man, do you know how badass this is? I spend like, half of my time dreaming about real Yo-Gurt-Oh. I even wrote some sweet fanfiction that had this Egyptian guy from the past as the main character, but he like, has to possess a 10 year old who looks just like a tiny version of him, and there's these ancient Egyptian artifacts that can shoot lasers! It was rad""You don't want to know what he dreams about the other half of the time..." "Not to mention I have my posse here to watch me kick butt; Boogaloo, Butterscotch, and of course Soggybegone..." Corbenik paused as he noted the area he was pointing to was empty "....Oh, yeah that... well anyway-""You didn't even mention me" Kokujo spoke up from beside the motley crew. "That was completely on purpose..." Corbenik turned his attention back to the game. "What now then? Does that thing poison me or something?""Hm, oh, nah bro, Toxic Squirrel's not poisonous, he's just an a*****e"As Spike noted this, the squirrel made an energetic 'up yours' motion with its stubby arms, chittering something in squirrel language that, despite not knowing the words, still felt very offensive. "Well you're going to wish it was, because your direct attack triggered the special ability of a monster in my hand. If I take direct damage to my life points, I get to special summon this high level monster directly from my hand following the combat. So I summon Disappointed Father!"As Corbenik slapped the card down, the figure of a very large and sternly unhappy looking middle-aged man materialized on the field. "I'm not angry son, I'm just disappointed in you" it said, shaking its head in a way that conveyed a deep sense of guilt. Disappointed Father ATK: 2200 DEF: 1500 "Hah, Spike Cheezit ain't tilted by that whack vanilla beatstick, your move""...Does this human speak some sort of forgotten tongue? What did he say?""Your guess is as good as mine..." Kokujo replied disinterestedly, busy dialing some number on his home telephone. "Now, I draw!" Corbenik energetically whipped a card from his Battle Gage. Corbenik | Spike LP: 6800 | LP: 7999  "Hello, yes, yes it's me again, sadly" Kokujo spoke to whomever he had phoned. "I now summon Marxist Preschooler, in attack mode!"A small, somewhat cross looking toddler proudly wearing a military cap with a large red star on it appeared on the field. "A dawk shwadow hangs ova Ewope!" It declared, pushing up its cap - quite a few sizes too large for its head - as it slipped in front of its face. Marxist Preschooler ATK: 500 DEF: 600 "No, no fire damage this time... probably..." "Its special ability changes the level of monsters in my hand to the average cost of them and Marxist Preschooler, and his level is quite low. Everyone is equal!""The pwolitariate will inhewit da meens of pwoduction!" Agreed the Preschooler, flinging up its arms which quite comically caused its hat to again flop over its rosy red communist face. "Yeah, I was wondering if you could send someone over to have a look and see if my magical disaster insurance covers it..." "Marxist Preschooler, Attack Toxic Squirrel!"The Bolshevik toddler reached into its oversized cap and withdrew a worn looking revolver that - much like the cap - seemed a few sizes too large for the far-leftist infant. "As I have a Parent-Type card on the field, whenever my preschooler attacks it gets a 1000 point boost! Your rodent is no match!" Corbenik declared, clenching a small fist triumphantly at Spike. His monster took careful aim and proceeded to cap the Toxic Squirrel right between its mean, beady eyes. The Squirrel disintegrated back into magical particles as it was defeated, some of which lashed out at Spike, catching his side and causing the man to grunt in sudden discomfort as the small chunk of lifepoints were taken. "Death to enemwies of da state!" the Preschooler proclaimed triumphantly. "...the cause? Well..... card games mostly... no, no I'm always serious" Kokujo continued in the background. "Now, you're wide open! Disappointed Father, direct attack!""This is for your own good son"The Father leapt into action, lunging at Spike with the most dangerous weapon at his disposal, a rolled up newspaper. "Thanks, oh, and you might want to hold off for an hour or so before sending someone round... yes it has to do with the crazy shouting in the background, believe me, I'm doing you a favour... ok bye" Kokujo hung up the phone and returned to watching the unfolding game, much like an unwilling spectator of a train crash. Only the train was his house, and the crash was also his house. "Hah, y'all think Spike Cheezit's fallin' for this rookie level s**t?" Spike grinned, probably also in the third person. "....Yeah?" Corbenik answered the rhetorical question after a moments deliberation. "....Well uh, think again!" Spike retorted, not having been fully prepared for an actual answer. "Mmm, answer's still yes""Well I'm not! You freakin' rude-a** cuck! I activate my continuous trap card, Smurf Account!" Spike clicked a button on his battle gauge, causing one of his face-down cards on the field to flip up. "This ballin' trap let's me summon a 'smurf' token in either attack or defense when I activate it, and once on each of my subsequent turns so long as it keeps chillin' on the field" he explained with his usual naturally irritating smugness "and Spike Cheezit is choosin' to summon this one in attack mode"On Spike's field a rather scrawny looking blue goblin creature in a ragged white beanie materialized, emitting a harrowed gurgle akin to a chain smoking fish before hunching over into a Gollum-like stature. Smurf Token ATK: 500 DEF: 0 "Have you tied your shoes today man? Because you're trippin' all over if you think that Avatar reject is winning this fight!""Not if Spike Cheezit activates THIS card!" A greasy wave of Spike's hand revealed the second of his face down cards "My trap card, Pay to Win! It makes even the lowest level bois look broken AF. All I need to do is pay life points equal to your monsters attack, and I can set your monsters attack points to a big fat zero!""Zero!? Crap, that's the same number of responses you'd get on a dating site!" Corbenik exclaimed in surprise, not really clear whether he was being purposefully or just incidentally rude, and this caused Spike to falter for a moment in the middle of his villainous description just to figure out whether or not he should say something in his defence, before continuing anyway. "...and that means my Smurf Token is about to lay yo' monster out flatter than a forgotten soda! Urgh"Spike tensed in pain as a diabolical aura of in-game currencies enveloped him, draining his life points into their digital coffers before blasting the Disappointed Father with an evil, affluent energy conceived from poor life choices and parent's credit cards. As Kokujo looked on, he noted a genuiness in the pained expression upon Spike's face, perhaps he wasn't just putting on the stupid act the shadowmancer had imagined, this was curious and also somewhat concerning. What happened if one were to lose one of these games? "I have another trick up my sleeve though!" Corbenik shot back, swiftly slapping a paw on one of his own spell/trap buttons. "Yo, you don't even got sleeves fam!""That may be so, but I do have things up them!""I... Wha-""Including THIS! The deadly disease, Afluenza!" the questionably sleeved cat loudly announced as his own trap card revealed itself. "This allows me to immediately sacrifice one of my monsters, while I receive life points equal to its defence points, and I choose Disappointed Father""You'll never fill my shoooooes" The forlornly disappointed lament of Corbenik's monster echoed as his magically conjured form became consumed by overly large and oddly coin-shaped bacteria. "And as you played a finance-based card this turn, I additionally get to draw a card from Afluenza's effect" Corbenik added, swiping his extra card from his deck. "That ends my turn, and by the look of things, it won't take many more 'till Spike Cheezit's goin' down"Corbenik | Spike LP: 8300 | LP: 5499 the rather miffed card game pro complained, drawing his card. "Heheh, you ain't the first wannabe playa' thinkin' they got the dunk on ya boi, but the only thing my man be playin' is himself""Could you just, pick a perspective! Please?!" Kokujo loudly protested from the sidelines, only to be lamentably ignored once more. "First though, as it's Spike Cheezit's turn, I get to make another Smurf Token-""Oh for crying out loud!" "-Which I'll throw down in defence"A second deformed goblinoid sprang onto the field, emitting another dreadful gurgling noise that never the less seemed to be more defensive in nature. "Now, with no Parent cards on the board, your Preschooler is wide open- uooh that didn't come out right" Spike stopped himself mid-sentence with a slight cringe. "I'll take 'statements most likely to elicit court orders' for 400, Alex""Joke's on you short stuff, I already have several. Now, Smurf Token, attack!"Spike's attack mode Smurf Token heeded the slightly vague command, proceeding to throw itself at the pre-adolescent revolutionary before it. The two hapless creatures, each with the same attack points, proceeded to destroy one another in a cascade of magical detritus. "Now, after bringing some cataclysmic capitalism to your Preschooler, it seems only right to play this mad lad here; my Pawn Gnome, in defence mode!"The vapour-like squalls of magical essence coagulated once more to reveal a rather unkempt and somewhat sleezy looking gnome in a bright red - mildly stained - hat, and shifty looking coat that matched the narrow-eyed expression on his rosy red, Santa-Claus-esque face. Pawn Gnome ATK: 300 DEF: 1600 "Hey kid, I gots me some sweet deals on used lawn orniments, if ya know what I mean" The gnome grinned slyly. Although nobody else present actually did know what he meant in the slightest, there was a deep sense of discomfort that the gnome did. "Now check this hot fire out! Pawn Gnome lets me 'pawn' 2 cards from my hand into my deck, in exchange for taking any one card from my deck and putting it into my hand" Spike sniggered in a way that maybe would have felt threatening if he didn't speak almost exclusively in internet slang "And I know exactly which one I'm taking""Ooh, which is it?""I don't have to tell you""Can you though?""No, you'll be peepin' it soon enough anyway broski""....How about now? Is now soon?""-NO!"With a huff Spike took his 2 cards, slotting them back onto the top of his deck. The machine proceeded to automatically shuffle them back into his deck accompanied by that really satisfying paper flipping sound, and when it finished, it popped out a single card off the top of the deck which Spike took into his hand. It was unknown how the machine knew what card Spike had chosen without any other interaction, but perhaps the odd magical connection the devices seemed to forge with their wearer had something to do with it. "I'll just throw this sucka' face down, then from my hand I'll play the magic card: Predatory Loan" Spike took a moment to brandish the card in question for extra flair before slotting it into his Battle Gage "If I slam this badboy with no other cards in hand, I can pay 1000 life points to draw an extra 2 cards. Unlike real life though, ya boi can't just blow these on buying loot boxes"As Spike reached to grab at his two cards, a long furry arm looking to belong to some kind of non-descript predatory wild cat appeared out of the device, giving Spike's hand a vindictive rake with its sharp claws as he drew his cards before disappearing back into the aether from whence it came. "OW, jeez!" Spike complained, grimacing as he retrieved his cards, seeming surprisingly alright with the fact his hand was now bleeding somewhat profusely. "....Hey, you...eh... don't want a bandage or anything for that?" The spectating shadowmancer chimed in from the sidelines, eyeing the dripping blood "I don't think I really care if you bleed out, but at the same time I don't want your blood and/or unconscious body on my floor" He continued very unsympathetically "....Really, I don't even want your conscious body on my floor either but that choice seems to have been made for me" "Nah, this is fine bra. Spike Cheezit's done worse for extra subs on Gutube. You should check my sweet vid where I do the hot pepper challenge with that latest pepper strain genetically engineered to taste like you're eating the sun. Man, you know you got some a' that deep cut GM hotness when the pepper's name is just an alphanumeric string. You'll know which vid's mine, 'cause the title's in all caps and it has a bunch of big red circles in the thumbnail""Anyway homes mc-domes, it's your go" the prospective internet star returned his attention to his whiskered opposition. "I'm pretty sure you're just making up slang now..." Corbenik | Spike LP: 8300 | LP: 4499 Corbenik joked as he drew his card for the turn. "Life points are just a resource bro, whether Spike Cheezit's cruisin' through with fat stacks or clutching it with a single point, a win's still a win. That's why I'm the pro, I'm lookin' at the game in like, 8K widescreen and you're lookin' at it on a Nokia 3310""...But, you're playing a game in which losing life points equates to you quite literally taking physical damage. Would it not be preferable to win with as much life left as possible?..." Kokujo spoke up somewhat hesitantly, mostly because he'd only managed to decipher about a third of the words the dubious card-slinger had just expounded, inferring the remainder from context. Spike looked like he was about to brush the comment off for a second, but stopped for a fleeting moment to actually think about Kokujo's argument, possibly the only time either player had done so during the entire game. He carefully looked at his cards, then slowly over towards his still bleeding hand, and then back up to gaze vacantly into the distance. One could very easily imagine the scene of an entire galaxy of fresh neurons being born in Spike's mind as a slow dawning realization passed across his features like he had just experienced a life changing epiphany. After a few glorious moments he turned back to the concerned shadow mage, features still set in a slightly doe-eyed expression. "Woah... that's actually an extremely good point" He conceded. "Eeh, well, I'm still lookin' at this game with at least 1080p widescreen though" the man's attention was returned to the game, sadly leaving the brief moment of common sense behind. "Yeah? Well you're about to be lookin' at the 1080p slowmo replay of me kicking your stupid Elvis haircut's a**" Corbenik punctuated the taunt with the clicking sound of a spell card being harshly shoved into his wrist-mounted artifact. "I play the spell card; Save Scum! This allows me to shamelessly reload the data from one of the level 4 or lower monsters in my graveyard, returning it to the field, and I choose my Marxist Preschooler!"The cat's Battle Gage let out a mechanical whirr and deposited the named card out of the device's graveyard slot, to be hastily snatched by its feline master and slapped back into play. "As my Preschooler averages the level of all monsters in my hand including itself, I can now play THIS: Freudian Slipper!"Corbenik threw down another monster card, spawning from the cascading magical essence a giant slipper with a large pair of eyes set seemingly permanently into the dubiously averted gaze of someone attempting, very poorly, to conceal their lecherous intents. "Oh hello there, pleased to ******** your mum- I mean, to meet you" the partially sentient footwear tittered. Freudian Slipper ATK: 2000 DEF: 69 "But that's not all!" Corbenik swept his hand round dramatically "My monster has a special ability! When I go to battle I get to special summon one psychology-type monster directly from my hand! The only drawback is that I must return it after combat, much like when Kokujo makes me return shoplifted Blu Rays""...And the occasional shoplifted shoplifter" "They never expect it, hah! Now to my battle phase!" Corbenik skillfully flipped another card from his hand onto a vacant spot atop his Battle Gage, summoning fourth what appeared to be some nightmarishly grotesque amalgam of the upper torsos of dogs conglomerated into a rough spherical shape, all of which seemed to be taking their situation quite well in spite of this, and were smiling and yapping playfully. This last fact was partially comforting, or worrying, depending on how long you spent thinking about it. "Using the effect of my Freudian Slipper, I summon my psychology type Pavlov-craftian Horror to the field from my hand in attack mode! Who's a good doggos?" the furry duelist explained, somehow managing to make his last question grammatically acceptable, and also rhetorical, because they were, of course, all a very good doggos. Pavlov-craftian Horror ATK: 730 DEF: 370 "Hey, that's a stylin' dog monster, my dude. My favourite's still gotta' be Updog though""What's Updog?""Not much, what's up with you?" Spike made a pair of waggly finger guns at Corbenik, features adorned with the widest, silliest grin that could fit there. After a short silence, no doubt as the joke was sinking in through the tar-like barrier of Corbenik's perception, he also split into a wide grin, making a pair of his own finger guns back at his opponent. "Eeeeey nice""...and these are supposed to be some of the greatest players of this game in the world... amazing" Kokujo muttered sarcastically. "And now, I'll attack using-""That's what you think cuz'. You were hollerin' earlier to get the drop on what sweet card I drafted, well now Spike Cheezit will show you. I activate; The Great Host Migration!""Oh no! That's one of the lamest cards in all of Yo-Gurt-Oh!""Better believe it boyo, lame is Spike Cheezit's middle name... really though, my parents were massive douchbags. Anyway, when I rock this trap card, I can choose to sac' 2 internet-based cards from either my field or hand, and I'm binning the Smurf Account on my field and the Net Neutrality card in my hand" Spike explained, removing the appropriate cards and sending them to the grave. He went on to raise his free hand dramatically towards the sky as the manifested effects of his contemptible card already started to be felt rippling through the invisible aether. "In exchange, The Great Host Migration removes all monsters in both our fields, hands, and decks from the game! Haha, looks like this game is peer-to-peer in more ways than one, dawg"With the requisite sacrifices the activated card began glowing intensely, bursting into darting firefly-like lights that left thin trails in the form of network code overhead as they circled. Eventually they met above the field in another great energetic surge, forming into a cyclonic rift engulfing the majority of the room's ceiling. Amid a cacophonous backdrop of dialup modem noises the monsters on both sides of the field, along with various items of Kokujo's furniture, were pulled upwards by the vortex, sucked in my the intense energy and the desire to play video games with a half decent ping. Corbenik leapt up to catch some of the cards he had been holding in hand before they too became victims of nefariously shoddy netcode. From each player's deck, the various monster cards within their confines also adopted a similar glow to that of the portal, vaporizing right out of the respective stacks as their essences were also absorbed into the rift. As it finished, the portal snapped shut, sending odd bits of crumpled furnishings that it hadn’t absorbed crashing down around the players, and their very irate owner. "Yeah, see that s**t? All your monsters are interdimensional toast, but that ain't the end, 'cause now I activate the effect of the 3 copies of Dr Whome I just zapped outta' my deck, and best believe this playa' didn't time travel through 8 years of school to be called mister. Whenever Dr Whome is removed from the game from anywhere I get to draw one card due to wibbly wobbly non-Euclidean geometry, and with 3 removed, Spike Cheezit counts 3 cards to draw-""-Wait!" Corbenik suddenly yelled, causing Spike to abruptly halt in confusion, looking on at the cat in apprehensive expectation. Corbenik frowned intently for a second or two, then blinked and waved cheerfully back at Spike. "Ok, so do I... carry on""...Yeah, so I get to draw 3" Spike drew his cards with a flourish. "You and your crappy arithmetic are pretty much donezo. Your whack monsters can't hate on Spike Cheezit now. This is what ya get for dissing the dueling skills of the big cheese, my man. Better buckle all of those pants I just awkwardly realized you don't wear, 'cause this game just got a whole lot worse for you, but for me it's all just E. Zee. $""Tch" Corbenik frowned, ears twitching irritably, and free hand clenched into an angry fist "Curses, maybe I have underestimated your power. I never expected to encounter someone who could vocalize a dollar sign, a formidable ability"The dastardly kitty's face then split back into a sly grin. "However, when it comes to playing pointless trading card games, and to fitting as many sea cucumbers into a single mattress as possible, you'll find I'm numero uno!""I think that latter one is by default..." "Now, let me show you a thing or two! Your trap also activated a special ability of one of my cards, which allows me to special summon it to my field if an effect removes it from play while in my deck. Let's see how you like Hyper-Dimension Petunia!"Corbenik swung an open hand out dramatically and - as from the immaterial aether that consumed a large chunk of his cards not long ago - one card reconstituted with a brilliant flash into his expectant grasp, played immediately with a triumphant papery slap. Summoned fourth was a creature with the head of a giant petunia plant, coloured a deep black with vibrant violet highlights, and a large pair of somewhat unsettling anime eyes that shared a similar shade of violet, gazing with steadfast determination. The rest of its body took the form of a visually indecipherable shifting amassment of geometric shapes and objects too bamboozling in their higher dimensional complexity for the eye to follow. Occasionally when the churning masses of intersecting lines and vertices mercifully happened upon a shape comprehensible to the human brain they reflected the same black and violet colour scheme as the more relatably three dimensional head. Hyper-Dimension Petunia ATK: 1000 DEF: (n!/(n-m)!m!)2^n-m "But that's not all! Because my Hyper-Dimension Petunia can occupy the 4th spatial dimension, she can't be blocked by any 3 dimensional monster, so any more of those dumb smurf spawners won't prevent s**t, but most importantly, also won't prevent my monster from attacking you. Now, it's still my attack phase, so I think it's time for some hardcore, tesseraction" Corbenik proclaimed, followed by the barely audible snicker of someone who was way too proud of their own dumb joke. By some mysterious means of locomotion not entirely discernable outside of complex vector spaces, the Petinia shifted across the field to the opposing duelist, affixing the Yo-Gurt-Oh pro with its unnervingly kawaii glare. part of its abstractly mathematical body formed into a hefty looking polygonal fist which the higher dimensional plant used to punch Spike squarely in the gut. "UUOGH!" Spike doubled over, rubbing his delicate food-digesting organs with one hand. "... that... that wasn't very cash money of you" he groaned. "Well I'm about to cash your cheque, and that cheque reads 'Pay to the bearer: 1 extremely cathartic victory only', and then the cashier will probably be like 'It's 2020 grampa, why are you using cheques?' and then I'll be like 'Listen ugly, you want to lose at cards today too?' and they won't..... your turn by the way""Truly master Corbenik is always thinking many steps ahead, I just sometimes wish I could understand any of them" Butterscotch rubbed her chin thoughtfully with a delicious finger "Still think you got a shot at the champ huh? Lemme show you just how hard you've been sandbagged fam. My move!" Spike drew his card, still steadfast despite his apparently dwindling health.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:35 am
Corbenik | Spike LP: 8300 | LP: 3499 Without warning a flying filing cabinet with a small blue flashing light taped to the top smashed in through the wall behind Spike. It tumbled awkwardly into a series of clumsy clattering bounces before coming to a halt stuck upside down - one edge partially lodged in Kokujo's previously well-kept wooden floor - on Spike's side of the field. There was silence for some moments amidst curious stares from Corbenik and the small audience, before the cabinet started to shudder, letting loose a piercing metallic rattle as one of its drawers very slowly ground open. Then, rather unexpectedly, the entire cabinet spontaneously detonated, ruining what little floor it had left untouched, and flinging to the sky puffs of singed paperwork which rapidly coalesced into a spinning ball of intense energy. From the sidelines Kokujo looked on, trying not to think too hard about the increasing amount of destruction suffered by his residence, and becoming more concerned with the emerging extent of the powers that Qelid's Battle Gages seemed to grant to their wearers. As his eye glanced from the forming portal to Spike, the shadowmancer noted the eye symbol on Spike's forehead had become a lot more visible, gleaming brighter, slowly pulsing. It raised questions for Kokujo about the purpose of the sign in the summoning of the cards, and of whether some cards drew more energy out than others. As Spike triumphantly slapped his recovered card down, Kokujo also noted a small crackle of sizzling magic leaping momentarily from the surface of the cardboard visage as the Battle Gage's magic took ahold of it, like a spark in a slightly over-volted circuit, almost as if this particular card had a little too much power for the device to contain quite as perfectly as the others. Were they not just paper though? Curious. "And the card Spike Cheezit's bringing back is: Vinayaka of the Clear Path!"From the portal's yawning maw a pale white arm adorned in golden bracelets and jewels emerged, followed by another, and then two more, and finally the slightly tubby body of a massive elephant-headed man shadowed by a radiant halo of warm gold that constituted part of the near impossibly elaborate crown resting between its huge flapping elephant ears. The elephant-man-thing floated serenely in mid air, one leg crossed, and four arms extending outwards showing off crimson red tattoos winding along ivory stained skin that matched the being's spotless tusks. It had a slightly bored look of unattached ambivalence about its pachydermal visage, as one could quite reasonably expect from a conceivably divine being that had just been dragged into a children's card game between a couple of complete morons. Vinayaka of the Clear Path ATK: 2500 DEF: 3200 "When this absolute unit hits the field, the opposing player chooses an amount of trap cards from their field, hand, and deck to remove from the game equal to the total number of cards removed from the game this duel. In this case the number of monster cards in both our decks, d- ok look-"Spike paused his dramatic monologue as he noticed Corbenik start to count numbers on his paws. "If you work this out yourself we're gonna be here until the damn Morlocks take over, I'm gonna tell you right now that's all your trap cards, all of 'em. Don't sweat the number crunching Einstein, Vinayaka's abilities of elephantastic elucidation will suffer no obstruction to Spike Cheezit's victory!"The eyes of the elephant-headed demi-god gleamed brightly, releasing a rumbling wave of unseen force that made short work of dispersing the two face down cards on Corbenik's field, and another large chunk of his deck, into glistening ephemeral particulates. The Battle Gage gathered and reshuffled the remainder of his deck, and Corbenik couldn't help but notice the pile left was a tad thinner than he'd like, much like those fancy after dinner chocolates. Though to be fair, those were a few mega-tads thinner than he would have liked. "My cards! Without those I can't play card games!""And that's ain't even the end of it fuzzball, Vinayaka has another, passive ability! While I have him on my field, the top card of my deck is revealed to both players, so like browsing Pinterest I get a sneak thumbnail peek at the por- eh, the content comin' up next"On cue Spike's Battle Gage flipped the top card of his deck over in a smooth motion with a couple of clicks and whirrs, revealing the telltale purpleish hue of a trap card. " 'Counterspell'!? Wow, you're almost as boring as Kokujo""You take that back! Besides, that s**t's top tier""You haven't even known me for half an hour, we've barely talked, why did that offend you!?" "Now I'll show you what I think of your big dumb chubby elephant-kin there. You've just walked right into a trap card!""Wow man, I don't think ya need to show me whacha' think of him, you pretty much just outright said it. Even then dude, I just nixed all a' your traps. Next time ya swing by the Vet you need to have 'em check those ears... and like, your brain too probably.""Ohohohoho, but taking my traps is exactly what set it off. I activate the trap card; Gottem!"With a overexaggerated wave of Corbenik's arm that looked partly flashy but mostly just silly, one of the dissolved trap cards reassembled itself before him. "Gottem activates only when it's removed from the field by my opponent’s effect, and when it does I get to destroy all monster cards on your side of the field! I think it's time for your Dumbo cosplayer to pack his trunk!"Even the transcendently composed Vinayaka couldn't keep from rolling its eyes at the cat's terrible pun, as a massive white gloved fist backed by a similarly proportioned spring erupted from the card's surface, catching the divine avatar right in its betrunked face and propelling it unfalteringly straight through the wall behind Spike - widening by several orders of magnitude the hole from the filing cabinet that delivered it - and into the far distance with a twinkle. If one listened closely the echoes of a mysterious voice could just be heard from somewhere amidst the morning sky shouting 'Game!'. "Pah, think you're a real smooth operator huh ya beedy-eyed lolcat knockoff?" Spike grouched as he placed the card into his grave. "...Is that a trick question?""Well the only thing goin' down here is you drawin' out your own L, buddy. You're like a video rental place tryin' to fight the internet. And if you still ain't picking up what Spike Cheezit's layin' down, maybe this'll convince ya"Spike complacently plucked another card from his hand and slotted it neatly into his Gage. "I'm rollin' on out the continuous magic card; Steampunk Magicannon!"Aetherial wisps assembled themselves in the air to one side of Spike, clearing to reveal the shape of a giant brass-coated gun, the gleaming metal sheets dotted with 18th century dials, valves, and random gears with no obvious purpose held together by thick bands of riveted iron. At the rear end clamped between intricate mechanical pieces was fixed a large roughly cut green crystal, radiating a mystic light that occasionally arced in luminous filaments into the stone's housing. The unwieldy cannon dropped a couple of meters from where it had been spawned, eliciting a wince from Kokujo as its substantial mass smashed down onto the floor, obliterating part of his coffee table. The barrel extended further outwards with a metallic whirr extending past Spike to point towards its owner's furry nemesis, while the bulk of the huge weapon including the crystalline power source sat just behind him. A couple of vents opened at the machine's sides, momentarily venting torrents of steam in great rolling clouds that lathered Spike's field in slowly settling mist, throwing an eerie shade over the cocky card gamer that highlighted the persistent glow of his third eye emblem as its subtle omnipresent radiance seemed to pierce unnaturally though the space between it and any observer. "This nerd culture contraption may look like it was built by art students on Etsy, but it's packin' more hashtag-fire than all those peppers I stuffed into my mouth for sweet ad revenue! Here's how it works, so listen closely""I can promise nothing!""When I activate the Magicannon on my turn I get to call what type of card is on top of my deck, spell, trap, or monster. If I call it right I send that card to the grave and get an effect based on which card I called. Monsters allow me to destroy a facedown card, traps allow me to destroy a monster, and spells let me blast you in the face for 800 points of damage. If I call correctly I get to go again, but if I call it wrong at any point it backfires, and deals 1600 damage to me instead. Now do you see why Vinayaka's passive effect was so useful?" Spike smirked, extremely proud of himself. "I do, but I also never really cared""Hmf, well even though you yeeted my Vinayaka to ******** Pluto, he still got to let me peep that top card for a hot sec, and Spike Cheezit remembers quite clearly what kind it was""Impossible! Nobody has a memory that good!""I think it's time to prune that petune! I activate the effect of Steampunk Magicannon, calling trap card, and wouldn't you know it, the top card is a trap" Spike sneered as he drew his card, slotting it immediately into his grave. "Press F to pay respects to your silly geometric bedding plant, Magicannon fire!""s**t, I can't get to an F key in time!"The olde timey gun creaked around to point at Corbenik's Hyper-Dimension Petunia, power crystal buzzing to life with arcane force, and promptly let fly a high velocity energy globule with a loud boom that smashed any of Kokujo's windows lucky enough to not already be broken. The fate of the windows was however, almost merciful compared to the violent disintegration suffered by the higher dimensional flower shortly thereafter. "Looks like that flower got put to flower bed, hah. Since I don't know what my next card is I'll let my Magicannon chillax for a few and just throw down a couple face downs. Your turn Katnip Everdeen."Corbenik | Spike LP: 8300 | LP: 3499 Spike gestured lazily to his sides in a very 'come on man' sort of way "Spike Cheezit's completely outmatched ya. Look at your deck, I took away all your monsters and your traps. I'd say you ain't got s**t left there, but I'd be frontin' since all a' your cards are s**t anyway. Even if I don't do a single point of damage the rest of the duel, Spike Cheezit can just wait 'till you run outta' cards and lose the game by default. There's no way you can win this duel with only magic cards left in your deck. Face it, your jank just ain't meta, boi""I'll make you eat those words!""I don't think so! The only thing Spike Cheezit eats besides novelty streamer challenge foods is Lucky Charms... I tried smoking some a' them once and BOY. That was a trip let me tell ya""That may be so...""-Just going to accept that one huh?" "But I have something on my side you'll never have!""A tail?""Multiple arrest warrents?" "Friends?"At this last rather savage guess Spike looked over at Butterscotch with a deeply hurt expression, slowly raising a hand to his heart as if to clutch the existential knife that had been callously thrust into it. A few beeps from his Battle gage removed 100 life points from his total. "No... well, I mean, technically yes to all three, but I have something on my side even more not-had-by-you than all those combined!"Corbenik dramatically pointed a finger at his now slightly emotionally scarred foe. "The heart of dumb luck!"Spike's reply to this mainly consisted of the confused expression of someone not quite knowing whether to be annoyed at having something stupid said to them, or to sympathetically humor whoever said it because they were obviously mentally unwell. "I know somewhere in my deck I have the answer to your b***h-a** strategy" Corbenik continued before Spike's taxed brain had the chance to put together any reasonable criticism "And I know that through the power of absolutely random chance, it will come to me!""...I have several questions-"Spike's attempt at a complaint was quickly steamrolled over as Corbenik continued undaunted. "Not only that, but my faithful minions are all here, counting on me to win at card games! Thier tireless adoration of my unquestionable skill will see me through, no matter the situation!""I have complete faith in you my dark lord!" Butterscotch encouraged Boogaloo made a series of off-putting squelching noises that seemed to be intended to convey the same message, simply in a far more disgusting way. "I hope you lose!" "Get ready to be wrecked back to the 1950s motor garage you came from you pop-culture pinata! My draw!"Corbenik | Spike LP: 8300 | LP: 3399 Corbenik glanced at his fresh draw, wasting no time playing the card. "I play the spell card; Pot of Need!""Pot of Need?! What does that do?!" Spike gasped extremely sarcastically, pretending to be entirely surprised. "Well listen up! When I play this spell card- ""Nah homes, I was just jerkin' your chain, 'course I know the effect""-Pot of Need allows me to-""Bro I'm literally a professional at this game, I know what ********' Pot of Need does!""-draw 2 cards-""We're really doin' this?""-from my deck!""... ""You're welcome, now let's see..." Corbenik surveyed his three cards with the almost convincing illusion of deep thought "Yes! Just what I needed!""Woah back up there Furaffinity, you seriously topdecked the card you needed?!" Spike asked in disbelief. "Haha, nope, wouldn't that have been good though? Just imagine!" Corbenik laughed. "Hah, oh man yeah, I'd have crapped my retro jeans fam, that woulda' been so statistically unlikely!" Spike joined in the laughter. This continued for a slightly uncomfortable amount of time before Corbenik slowly settled down, rubbing an eye with a paw as he took a moment to catch his breath. "Ahhh... yeah... but nah, actually I've had it in my hand since like, turn one...""...Wait what!?" Spike reeled in surprise "Prepare your jeans for a dry-cleaners bill of immeasurable proportions! I play the magic card-" Corbenik began, holding aloft a glimmering card, light reflecting in a brilliant chromatic collage off its surface. "Woah, hold up homie-slice! Is that a limited edition foil?!" Spike quickly interjected. Corbenik paused in mid card-slapping motion, lured into the excuse to show off his Yo-Gurt-Oh street cred. "You better believe it dude. You had to send away like 200 ringpulls for this thing. Do you know how hard it is to eat a canned drink without eating specifically one part of it! I had to do some freaking mouth-yoga to deal with that one!""...Why didncha' just take the ringpulls off before eating 'em?""Time is money, friend""Corbenik, I keep telling you that phrase isn't just a get out of jail free card for logic" "So you say, but I've yet to see a situation where that isn't the case""Well anyway, can I peep that sweet card for a sec fam? I've never eyeballed one outsida' the internet before, much like a lot a' things actually..."Thinking this potentially suspect request over for approximately no time whatsoever, Corbenik shrugged and wandered over to Spike. "Sure, just don't get marks on it, this is a collector’s item. In like 20 years I'm gonna use the cash from this baby to buy the moon" the cat related his entirely realistic expectations as he handed Spike the card, which the man carefully took, thankfully with the hand that wasn't covered in blood. "Dude, sweet, thanks" The leather-clad memester looked the card over for a moment, then with nary a second thought proceeded to tear the card in half and casually fling the two remaining parts over his shoulders. "You fell for the oldest trick in the book!" Spike triumphantly smirked "now with the card torn up you'll never be able to play it!""Hah, but you fell for the second oldest trick in the book, I knew you'd do that, so I swapped that card for a fake!" the dark furred protagonist shot back "The one you tore up was just a foreign knockoff made by deprived children!""No! Those are the least prived children!"Corbenik then turned a paw over to reveal a card he had somehow palmed despite his comparatively tiny paws. Spike however, seemed suspiciously unmoved by the revelation. "Hmhmhmm, but you've now just fallen for the third oldest trick in the book, I suspected you'd switch 'em so I lifted the real one while you handed me the fake!" he announced "Take a closer peek!"Corbenik turned the palmed card over in his paw to reveal a library card with a poorly shot photo of Spike's dumb grinning face staring back at him. "Oh no, it's expired!"Spike pulled out the real card from a worn faux-leather sleeve, motioning to tear that one up too. "However! You have just fallen to the classic fourth oldest trick in the book!""There's no such thing!" Spike paused in shock, taken aback by the sheer notion. "Yes, I peed on that card before the match started""EEEUGH!" Spike recoiled in disgust, reflexively flinging the card as he did so. Seizing the opportunity, Corbenik jumped up to victoriously swipe the card as it fell. "Hahaa! Adios sucker!"Corbenik made his getaway before Spike could snatch the card back, in the form of what he imagined to be a swift athletic leap of Olympian proportions that would carry him into a neat roll ending with him back on his own side of the field. What actually happened was that Corbenik's stubby body haphazardly flung itself about a quarter of the required distance before faceplanting into the floor with a visceral crunch as his furry noggin forcefully displaced some of the scattered debris there. In the silent aftermath of the monumentally blundered maneuver, a few beeps from Corbenik's Battle Gage removed a good 400 points from his life total. Spike looked down at the unflatteringly sprawled feline with an air of awkward concern, like he'd just witnessed an old person tripping over in the street. "Uh...yo, you alright there homes?" He asked tentatively "...Ugh...yeah dude, I'm... I'm good, I'm good"Corbenik slowly dragged himself the remainder of the way to his side of the field and pulled himself unsteadily to his feet, brushing off his face with a paw. "Get ready you card stealing git, it's time to show you how shameless thievery is really done. It'll take more than your Reddit upvotes to save you from this""Try me!""I play the magic card; Sticky Wicket Stick-Up! As long as I have no cards on the field, I can steal one of your continuous magic or trap cards""That's mad whack yo!"A large and cartoonishly proportioned revolver materialized, holstered at Corbenik's waist. "And the card I'm pilfering from you is your Steampunk Magicannon, put 'em up ya varmint!"The black cat drew the revolver fanning a stubby hand over the hammer in classic wild west fashion that looked undoubtably fantastic after the first three times that he missed the hammer completely. After finally nailing it, the gun fired out a long string tied at one end to a large red suction cup that landed on Spike's Magicannon with a wet slap. "Hnnnngh... hyuuurgh... huuuugh..."Corbenik strained as he very slowly hauled the gigantic cannon across the floor by the attached string towards his side of the field. Each laborious heave was accompanied by the earsplitting screech of metal being dragged over well-kept, nicely polished hardwood flooring. ".....Really?" Kokujo commented. Finding no more emotional space for being annoyed today, instead he had simply become incredulous at how much the universe itself seemed to refuse him the luxury of owning anything for any reasonable amount of time without it being destroyed. "Pfft, so ya jacked my gat, I ain't sweatin' it. Whacha' gonna do with it anyway? Yins don't even have a way to scope your top-deck""Eh, let's just say I'm feelin' lucky. Magicannon, activate!"Corbenik declared, dramatically laying his paw on the top of his deck. "Draw! Magic Card!"He swiped the top card from the deck, attempting to strike the most impressive pose possible whilst doing do. This ruined the effect slightly when he had to awkwardly flip the drawn card around in his palm to show what it was. "Got it!"The cat reported victoriously. "That means my hecka' sweet new shooter here does 800 damage directly to you and your dumb hair!"The energy crystal on the cannon burst to life once more as the cannon creaked around to point at its rapidly paling previous owner and his offending hairdo, letting fly another glob of magical energy. "Aargh!"The force of the impact took Spike off his feet, causing him to faceplant into the floor with a yell. After a few moments of pained wheezing he pulled himself back to his feet, just in time to see Corbenik pulling a second card from the top of his deck. "Draw! Magic card!"A second shot smashed into Spike, glancing him on the right side, the force and associated severe discomfort causing him to drop the remaining cards in his hand to the ground. "Haha, you see, as long as I have unwavering faith in the heart of dumb luck my deck will never disappoint me! ...Oh, and you probably helped very slightly by milling literally every other card in my deck so that I only have magic cards left" Corbenik's mouth curled into a smug, toothy grin. Spike's grimaced expression shifted to that of daunting realization, and then one of profound fear. "Only... wait, no.. NO!”Corbenik reached over to his Battle Gage again and proceeded to remove the entire remainder of his deck "I choose to call magic card for Magicannon, and draw, hmmmmm infinity cards... " Corbenik narrowed his beady eyes. "...Plus one"He slowly raised a thumb to his mouth and gave it a drawn-out, slavering lick before placing it firmly atop the stack of cards in his other furry mit. "This ain't happenin', Spike Cheezit can't lose! I had the freshest strats and the streetest tats!"Spike's protests went uncared for as Corbenik proceeded to start flipping cards rapidly from the top of his remaining deck like bills of currency, scattering them into the air in a deluge of fluttering cardboard, periodically reflecting brilliant green flashes as the Magicannon rapidly pounded out its arcane blasts as quickly as it was able. Spike was soon lost within a veil of billowing smoke and debris thrown up from the relentless barrage as it assailed him and - much to Kokujo's ever continuing dismay - most of the remaining home furnishings situated nearby. The 'ammunition' eventually spent, a moment of silence finally fell over the card game battlefield. As one, the magically-projected forms of the player's cards dissipated back into fading, scattering glimmers. With a sharp beep the life point display on Corbenik's Battle Gage disappeared to be replaced by the word 'VICTOR' in bright green text, which given the situation was rather the understatement. As the smoke cleared, it revealed the lightly sizzling body of Spike, face-down at the epicenter of a substantial number of craters in the space where a large section of Kokujo's furniture and lovely wood paneled floor had previously existed in some form other than their individual atoms. The rest of the assembled group moved to gather around the severely damaged card game enthusiast, sharing in the mutual feeling of not really knowing what to do now the whole escapade was over. "GG no re"Corbenik broke the silence in the only way he knew how: completely insensitively. "I... I think you killed him, or put him into some sort of card game related coma" "Hah! If I lost a card game that badly, I'd want to be dead too"Kokujo reached down to place a couple of fingers against the dilapidated body's neck. "...Nope, he's somehow still alive" He reported, not quite managing to hide the shred of disappointment this brought him. He let out a sigh that was equal parts exasperated and exhausted as he surveyed the aftermath of the magic-charged card game. "I suppose I'd better call an ambulance then... I suppose..." Already moving on from his gamified attempt at first degree murder, Corbenik turned to look wistfully out of one of the many gaping and sometimes burning holes in Kokujo's house, and clenched a fist dramatically. "I'm on my way Qelid, and when we finally meet, in glorious cardboard combat, I'll defeat you and become the true king of one very specific card game!""I'd like to remind you Corbenik, that my deep, seething hatred of you and every successive action you perform encompasses 99% of all the human emotion I feel on a day by day basis...." "....Hey, that's not 100% though"Corbenik replied to this with an energetic thumbs up. "True, but I feel it just got a little closer" And so, Corbenik's quest of card games and secret card related occult magic began. Who will be this next opponent? Will he finally find his match? Will they actually speak in something approaching English? Gaia can only wait with baited breath, and generous home insurance plans. To Be Continued
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
