The humming was pleasant enough, eerily hesitant without going flat. Kenton strolled toward the sound with a half smile on his face, fingers tracing wavy lines along the smooth hall as he went. This was the start of a new story, the first where he'd truly had the means to be the hero he had paid others to be for so long. He was going to wield magic. He was going to hunt monsters and be a protector, all he had to do was go down into some creepy basement and grab a talking knife or whatever.

He paused when he found the top of the stairs, certain that this was the the place he was meant to find, mostly because the humming grew louder, vibrating through his chest.

"Hello?"

No reply. Just louder humming. Maybe this monster couldn't speak unless he touched it? Unless he—

I can. Not very well. Closer...

It was a wisp of consciousness more than a voice, barely more than a breath in his mind, but he could understand it. He even felt... protective of it... of something for the first time. Kent continued down the stairs, pausing as he first caught sight of the room at their end. Hundreds of scales lined the walls, small tablets that shimmered under the light of a single torch. He jerked forward as he swore something nudged him from behind, and the whisper melted into a laugh, tinged with sarcasm.

I am smart enough for the both of us, human.

A sour burst of indignation had Kent fast approaching the wall that contained that presence. "I'll have you know that I am plenty smart. All of my tutors said so." He reached out, poking at a plate faintly carved with a simple sword.

"I...

accepted...

least...

ivy...

Cambridge...

my...

So... kindly take that back." His finger was finally still, jabbing accusatorially into the tablet.

Please... stop whatever you think you're doing and keep your hands where they are. Pick me up. Yes. Now just... stop moving.

There was a sigh in Kenton's mind, and then the tablet was gone. In its place, a heavy metal weapon appeared, clearly a sword, but also indirectly a club. It was of a decent length, and across its back lay a row of wide, flat spines.

"What are you?"

I am Linus Campos. A special snowflake. Now that the voice was clear, Kent could clearly make out the exasperated amusement, the sneering scorn, the bitchiness. His weapon was an a*****e.

And yet, still nicer than most. I promise I'm not generally so snarky, at least I don't think I am, I've just been asleep a long time and it's taking longer than I thought to get this kink out of my proverbial neck. Here...

Linus paused, and this time Kent felt the shift as it happened. One second he was holding a sword, and the next, there was a intricately simple silver bracelet encircling his wrist.

So, tell me your name, Linus said, still just as clear in his mind.

"I'm Kenton Polk. Direct ancestor of James K. Polk, eleventh president of the United States."

I don't know who that is.

"So much for 'smart enough for the both of us.'"

I am, in the subjects that count.

Kent's frustration might have grown had the creature not sounded so immovably certain that what he said was correct. There was no fight behind his words, no joke. Linus believed what he was saying with such conviction that Kenton could find nothing to argue with.

"All right, well I'll just have to teach you... more subjects."

And I, you.

"All right."

All right.

Kent stood in place, admiring his new jewelry for all of ten seconds before...

Are we going to stay here all day or can we go someplace warmer?

"Right away, Princess Snowflake."