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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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 Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 2:34 pm
That good old skull.
And this...this is the true story of how I came to hold an ancient skull.
Really...he's something along the lines of a many times removed great grandfather...of some sort. At least...that's what I'm told.
I'm not actually sure this oddly macabre thing is really someone from the past. It gives me the creeps.
As the story goes, it's the first one of a set...a totem. Look, my family line is weird...like old school, pagan witchy protective ancestors weird. It's been over 300 years since this tradition started, and it's only those that want to take on the totem that deal with this weirdness.
The Skulls are from the parents that children view as a mental figure. The first skull...apparently he was protective of his family is a selfish manner, so his daughter, his eldest requested his skull. Bound with runes to become Protective and selfless in the life beyond. Apparently as the story goes, she didn't want him coming back to the same body. He could well enough be attached to his remains, or he could move on to his next life. But not return to this one. It's...weird. Strange. Abnormal...but in a way that makes sense if you've looked through the family history...
Anyway. He passed away, in what we like to call cascade failure. Cancer was what started it, the end was possible stroke, heart attack, anemia, pneumonia, three attempts to restart his heart, two successful and the last one failed...It took his whole system crashing to finally oust him apparently. Or so the story goes. His skull was willed to her. Legally. She looked up many different practitioners from odd magic based backgrounds. And asked for protective charms to bring good health, and good luck when etched into bone. And she had it engraved. And this wasn't even a time period where you could ask for this kind of thing and not get looked at like you were ******** nuts. This 300 years ago. The s**t storm she had to go through to get parental bone was blood well unbelievable. Legal matters, even with a will it was like...pulling teeth from a rabid chipmunk. Getting official engravings and not getting thrown out for being 'disturbed' was even harder because anyone could say it was against their religious beliefs and refuse you. It was a ******** up time. Ugh...got side tracked.
So yeah. This skull...totem thing, it's a throwback to older times. And you know what they say, enough people believe something, that thing gains power, possibly even sentience.
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Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:56 pm
House Rules
Everything follows rules, even the most evil of evil have rules they must follow. Belief keeps those rules from breaking.
If you believe, truly believe, then that belief can help you get through just about anything.
These words echoed through my mind as I thought back on what could possibly help me in staring at the imminent death. Rules.
What rules? What were the rules?
"No monsters after 9pm." My voice rang clear and loud.
The thing of nightmares frowned deeply, a voice both harmonious and dissonant at the same time growled the question, "What?"
I took a breath and looked at it squarely with the conviction my parents had instilled in me long ago, "House rules. No monsters after 9pm, you are in the house well after the time allowed, violating this rule, invoking a several day penalty."
It looked at me in what could be described as indignant, surprising considering the lack of eyebrows, "You have got to be joking." It's voice wavered, but my eyes did not look away from the dark pits that loomed ageless and becoming anger filled.
"I would never joke about The rules. No monsters after 9pm and none allowed in the house again until 11am. Violating monsters will be put on a day long ban for every hour into the 9pm to 11am Monster free hours." I recited the mantra that had woven into my childhood, to keep my mind safe, to keep my siblings safe, the deep belief I held to this ruling on things that qualified as 'monsters' growing with each word that left my mouth, "You are here at 1am. You have BEEN in the house for four hours. Terrorizing my family, which while that is within the rules, and allowable, you are in the house at a time when you are not allowed. You were not invited in by a member of this household, which is another rule broken, by the way."
Suddenly the beast paled. While it felt that the rule about monsters in the house was something it could ignore if it just killed her, it had broken one of it's own summoning rules. In order to be summoned and allowed to devour as it will, "How are you so sure?" It would not give away, if it wasn't known exactly that a member hadn't asked it to appear, it could get around that little detail.
A dry smirk appeared on my lips, "House rules. No monsters after 9pm. Those of my household know this. It could only be someone not of my household who would be ignorant of this rule." My eyes held no lies, and the thing before me snarled angrily at me.
"That is....RIDICULOUS."
"MY HOME, MY RULES. YOU are to return to your plane of existence. BANNED from my home for four days on the hour violation alone, and PERMANENTLY for being here without being invited into the home by a member of the house." My words rang loud, louder than its' voice, and with more power than I thought I could have in the face of something terrifying.
Anger, incomprehensible fury, and finally, acceptance, "FINE. Human. I will leave. Your house, your rules." It narrowed it's eyes trying to find a loop hole.
"That also means you are banned from coming after me and mine, whether we be in our home, or anywhere else. You are the one who didn't pay attention to the rules." It was the final spark that caused the thing to rage, and scream, but getting no fearful reaction from me, it stormed down the hall fading into darkness.
The house lights came up, and I was left there tied to the chair, and taking a deep breath.
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2016 10:59 am
Main character....NOPE!
The day I was born, it was announced because of the bright color of my eyes, "Welp, she's going to be a main character."
Those words echoed as I woke from my nightmares. All I wanted was a normal life. A nice, calm, normal, uneventful life.
This morning, I got up, freshman year. I'd avoided it much of my life. Glasses to hide my eyes, Hair though it grows out as a weird color dyed plain old mousy brown. My family is filled with main characters, but I don't want to be one. I've been steadily avoiding it my whole 15 years of life. My younger siblings have embraced their protagonist plots, same with my parents.
Leaving the house everyday is filled with traps and pitfalls, but I've become accustomed to avoiding it come hell or high water. I WILL LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!
No matter how much my name attracts weird things, no matter how much my family works hard to be their protagonists, I shall be the exception.
I try hard to not trip too often, but also not save myself. Difficult to say the least with inborn reflexes.
Taking a deep breath, I leave out the backdoor, proper breakfast packed, leaving early enough that I can avoid the classic run ins that start most highschool romances/adventures. And early enough that I can grab a nap on my desk.
No friends, no overt romantic interests and a back up plan to switch schools if anything starts. This was the way to go and be as PLAIN as possible. Mid range grades. Never standing out at all.
Happily I arrived, the gates were locked. Frowning, I waited, the gates should open in the next half hour....but did I really want to hang about and wait? Have that chance of someone coming along and things starting? Not on your life.
The gate and its walls weren't horribly high, so with a scrambling and indecorous leap, I clambered over the wall. Sadly, I'd forgotten to make sure no one saw me. First mistake, but not so major that I wouldn't be able to still avoid things.
Dropping to the other side, the ground was grassy, soft and well kept. Slinking carefully up to the doors, they weren't locked. That was odd. Paranoia shot through me as I thought what kind of beginning this could be. Instead deciding to back right out of it. The first day was going to be terrifying, but if I could make it through without being noticed it would be best.
I let the door go, carefully, turning back to see if anyone had seen me now. A young boy with daringly bright orange hair stared at me curiously from the unopened gate door. I pretended not to notice him at all and carefully trudged my way to an open bench beside the school. Unremarkable. that would be what this guy thought of a baggy clothed, mousy looking bookworm. Especially when the blonde bombshell best friend showed up. He blushed obviously as she clung to him. Ah, a nice childhood friend romance there. Adorable and perfect to avoid her being involved with them.
I carefully pulled out a normal unremarkable novel, one dozens had read, and found pleasantly entertaining but not amazing. the waiting game for the gates to open. No one would ask me anything. I blended in with the background. It was a delightful simple thought. That was until of course....I saw more of the student body....
There were some normal looking students, but there was an abnormal number of 'protagonist' types running around. I cursed and carefully made my way into the school with a rush of other students, my book already put away.
Heading to my locker it was smack dab in the middle of a raft of them.
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Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 10:12 am
Things our parents say.
All of this started with such a little interaction, something silly, and to me insufferably annoying. I was watching over a random group of children, they were running about, enjoying the day as it grew late. One child decided to slink off into the wooded area, for some reason. So I decided to give them a little advice, perhaps get them to go back to where they should be.
"You should be wary, monsters out there." I smiled gently at the small child. They were brave, and completely oblivious to what might be lurking outside their line of site.
"Monsters aren't real" The snotty little runt proclaimed proudly. Their parents had done an excellent job of blinding this child to the realities of the world. They'd be the perfect mark for something nasty later in life, perhaps even slightly sooner than even their parents could expect.
This is my dilemma when I hear these words. It's not that 'monster's' aren't real, they are. Fully in all of the world, they exist. Imagination can be a killer, and if left unchecked, those that imagine themselves as so, can become the monsters of fear.
Monsters may not look like monsters. Truthfully, I'd love to have a monster that looked exactly like one would expect. However, they don't. They look like normal everyday humans. It's their actions that make them monsters. Murderers, Rapists, Abusers. These are the real monsters that plague the world. Humans who've decided they can do what they want, and inflict their will on others. This also means that I find many Fundamentalist Religious types to be in the same category, because they preach harm to others that don't follow 'their god's' word. Hell, some parents and the way they view their children are in this group too.
Human Cruelty is the worst monster that the world can offer, and yet we are told when we reach the age of reason, Monsters aren't real. We are told this lie over and over again. Until we are aghast at the atrocities that humanity can cause.
We are our own monsters, no need for some demon possession, or summoning of an otherworldly beastie. No need for Satan, the Boogey man, or the things that go bump in the night. Any human can be a monster. Some are simply born that way, and we have no idea what allows them to become so. They're human, nice enough, and generally those that are quiet and unassuming as far as a personality is concerned, sometimes charismatic, sometimes friendly, and yet they hold a secret of being able to just bring pain to others without remorse.
Some monsters become that way later on in life. Trauma is generally the catalyst. Really any human can become a monster. A mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a good friend, a co-worker, a boss, an employee, a grandmother, a grandfather, a cousin, an acquaintance, or a stranger. We all have the potential, most are just never pushed to that point.
Monsters are very real, flesh and blood, as human as you and I, as anyone, and very good at being a better human than you.
Well, as with all things, I'm glad my parents never told me 'monster's aren't real', no matter how often they were chided for such a statement.
I mean, after all, if I was lied to like that, then how in the world would I know what I am? Now then, I've a few parents to teach the lesson to. After all, children should never be told, 'monster's aren't real.'
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2016 2:05 pm
I am silence, I am harshness, I am that which plagues your world at every little instance of true solitude.
Love me, fear me, hold me close in the embers of your sanity as it slips into the the darkness of your true self.
Know that I will devour you whole, know that you are mine long before your first breath echoed in the cold world.
Hear their voices, careful words tantalizing a savior, promising the empty lies of compassion, deliverance of the soul encased in flesh and bone.
Believe them, torture yourself for them, but understand deep in your buried memories that they hold no warmth for you.
They are deceivers, those that wish to chain you to their own whims, their own objectives, their truth is not yours.
Sweet one, my little horror, you are mine, forever and always, no matter how they pull you from me, nor how tattered your mind may become.
You will remember when I find you, delight in our reunion, revel in our conversations, long into the quiet nights.
We, dearest, are not meant for their world. Our darkness is not theirs, our hearts never belonging to them.
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Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2016 1:49 pm
Fear. This eats away at my mind when my kitten is not near me. Fear for her safety, fear of what others will say to her, fear of what others will do to her. Nagging, tearing, clawing fear.
Everyday those like my kitten are are harmed emotionally, physically injured, maimed, killed. I am often caught thinking of what my world would be like if anything were to happen to her. And it paralyzes me to the core.
Broken is a far cry from what I would be. Anger with no end, pain without end, reason would leave me. There would be nothing to keep my head for. My family knows this. They understand, she is my reason for not being a hateful creature filled with cruelty, filled with a desire to tear apart everything in front of me just to watch it scream in agony. The horrors that live in my head would become the reality of unsuspecting fools. Every name, every person who ever uttered a slur against us, exterminated.
I realize this is a terrible thing. I know this is what I am. Inside the skin of a human lives a monster that has been tamed, calmed, given a reason to behave.
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2016 9:36 am
I really don't know how I feel about this person passing away. My father passing hurt. Because even with his failings as a father when we all started, he was getting better. He was a foul person on many levels, but he'd started to be understanding, started to grow again.
Then died.
This person...had been a constant victim and unable to get past his view of the world. His opinions of women were horrific, his disturbing desire to make a pass at not only me but my sister despite knowing us since the day we took our first breath on this planet.
He was a disgusting, foul, creepy little man, who thought he was able to buy his way out of things, or terrify his way out of things.
Long about he propositioned me, making me feel disgusted with myself, making me feel as though I'd done wrong, and when it came to the choice between my dignity, my bodily autonomy, my well being, and my family continuing to have a place to live....I chose to grovel and give this person an apology, play sincere, and apologize for 'overreacting' to what happen.
I was betrayed when someone who had been family, an adoptive member asked me to accompany him on a trip to Vegas, he'd even pay me, and well all he'd expect would be a blow job. I needed the money for school right? I was 21, I was an adult, I could choose. But the shock and disgust, over someone I'd trusted as an adult in my life, rendered all reason in my life to be moot. I was in a deep relationship, and he 'wouldn't tell' if I was worried about my SO finding out.
I had placed my trust in the wrong person, I had felt a familial connection where there was none. I was never his family, I was just another 'slut' for him to get turned down by. A would be built in whore who should be grateful that he even opted to allow me the pleasure of orally pleasing him.
And here I sit with the memories of this disturbance standing in my mind, this person is now dead, their life has no meaning in my world any longer, do I attend the funeral and pretend to be sad, or do I simply go and stand, dry-eyed, somewhat happy that he's gone, no longer some looming reminder of the pitiful thing of my past? Or do I see it as a learning experience, something to understand, knowing that humans can be better people, and this person simply wasn't strong enough to move forward from what he'd been indoctrinated with from the day he'd been born? The fact that he as a person could never get beyond being a 'man', and thinking that all women needed were his d**k and his wallet, and that they should be swooning at the chance to be with him.
Understanding that he mentally wasn't capable of becoming a person, and got stuck being a cardboard cutout, a stereotype of white males that was brought up to be a failed carnivore, and an undesirable herbivore when it came to life. Basically he was just a pitiful person who for a long time I hated, someone that proved more and more that no one would look at me for me, but only look at me for my body. And now, After recent years, I couldn't hate him. I don't hate him. I don't even pity him. He was an example for me of what could be if I allowed myself to be stuck in the past and unable to move forward from what had happened in my child hood.
A lesson to show what happens when you don't confront what mistakes your parents made, and realize that those things that fester in you have to be excised, otherwise they will blind you and you will never move forward.
Granted this is just my personal observation, this is my thoughts on a matter of this person passing. Will I miss him? No. Have I learned because of his existence? Yes. And I will strive to continue to move forward from what my world once was.
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 12:18 pm
Breakfast...
His eyes lingered for a moment on the two forms still wrapped in sleep on the bed. A strangely content, smile on his face as he carefully slipped out the door.
He lingered in the kitchen for a moment, thinking on what owould be best to make after a night like that?
Running a hand through shaggy brown hair, he chuckled. Who would have thought, who would have guessed this would be how things would end up? Sure, there'd been the horrid fight over stupid teenage things in high school. But then...he'd made a choice.
He wasn't just some fool, some stereotype that everyone saw in the movies. He could grow from being that spoiled rich kid. And he had. He'd made efforts, even before the world he knew came crashing down around his ears. He smirked, pulling out eggs and bacon, and milk. It wasn't like he had wanted to be involved in things, but he couldn't leave them.
Couldn't leave her, or that asshat art student. He rolled his eyes at his old throught process, that possessiveness that loomed over her, because he'd been her first. She wasn't his first, but she'd been different than most women. She didn't want it to be official, she refused to be linked to him as 'his girl'. He was...a statement piece to start with. He knew it, but he'd wanted the notch. He'd worked for it, and then when it happened, there had been nothing more satisfying.
He snorted a bit as he mixed batter for pancakes, she'd been the same as ever as far as their relationship had been concerned, he'd grown affectionate, wanted to make it public, admonished his friends for being jerks when they made fun of her noises, he'd done everything he could think of to get some kind of progress, but then her best friend disappeared, and he didn't listen.
She got more distant, frustrated, wanting to find her friend. Falling into the arms of someone he considered a freak. Rolling his eyes at that thought. He'd let those two jerk-offs convince him that she'd slept with the art kid, he hadn't thought straight, and even though he'd started the fight, he'd lost badly. It was a wake up call. He was in the wrong. Really in the wrong.
On ALL fronts. Stirring from his repose he flipped another pancake on to the cooling plate. Bacon sizzled slowly, and he was about to start cooking the eggs. Over easy for Jon, Scrambled for Nan, and Sunny side up for himself.
College...that's where their interests had started.
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 2:54 pm
It was not your normal sort of reintroduction.
I yelled the old highschool nickname, and the blond came charging down the hill to meet me. A near tackle hug of excitment.
"What are you doing here?"
"Math placement exam." Came the out of breath reply.
"You're going here?"
"Yep!" A wild and joy filled grin graced their face.
"Oh, wow! I thought you would have gone off to some out of state school. You're more than smart enough." The disbelief was apparent in my tone.
"It was a possibility, but...really...eh." The dismissive answer wasn't out of the norm for them.
"Cool, maybe I'll catch you around campus then. I gotta get to a chem test that I'm gonna fail." Another hug and I trodded towards said chemistry class. My mind not remotely on the failure I was about to recieve. I still felt a burning desire that had been there since high school, but kept the idea to myself for the time being. No sense in getting my hopes up, or even trying at all. I was after all just the terrible troll, and damaged goods.
But this at least gave me more to look forward to when the fall semester started. It was enough to allow me to trudge through my remaining summer classes and get a decent grade point average.
Roll through a few months of sort of dating someone, then calling it off with them because I was not good for them. I didn't have real feelings for them to start with, and though I cared, they had too much on their mind to build something with me. Easily someone that could go back to being a friend.
The next day after that break up, I met up with the blond again. They'd cut their hair, they'd had a long glorious mane of hair, but they changed it for school. A new start I suppose? Even with that change I found them attractive still. Something pulling me towards them harder and harder.
My two close female friends at the time, were thinking on perhaps dating the blond.
The one I'd met at college was processing their attraction to the physical nature of the blond, but she detested their personality, and the other had dated the blond in highschool. While they were somewhat hemming and hawing over the possible desire to be with them...I made terrible comments at lunch one day.
They were being flirty, and I threatened, "Keep it up, I may just rape you." It was empty, and by today's standards a totally uncalled for comment. BUT it got the point across that they were poking at my sexual frustration.
"You can't rape the willing." Their reply was surprising as I though I was not nearly attractive enough in body type or facial features to attract their attention.
"Wait...willing?" The grin on my face was one that could be akin to the cat who ate the canary, "Seriously?"
A sly grin crossed their lips, "Maybe."
Electricity sang up my spine. I had to contain myself, we were in public and while I wanted nothing more than to jump their bones it was bad form to do so with such a large audience.
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 2:38 pm
This election has been something of a rollercoaster.
In the beginning I was filled with hope. I changed my status so I could vote in the primaries, pick the candidate I wanted.
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 2:26 pm
"You'll need to come with us to identify the body."
"What? What do you...?" The wave of realization caused a stinging pang of nausea. The world crumbled and numbness took the place of all sensations. I nodded and locked up.
Silence echoed in my mind as all of me had curled into itself. Hardly ever had I had a moment so still inside and here it was.
a sense of darkness loomed as the doors were opened.
Torn and broken, battered and bruised, there laid my kitten. No breath raised her chest. No color to her body was left save for the caked blood.
"He was dead on scene."
"She."
"He lost control of the vehicle, No alcohol involved."
"SHE." There was a strong and vicious desire to rip out the tongue of the person speaking.
They rolled their eyes, "Look, it's a male body, so I'm not giving some freak a..."
A snarl ripped from me, "You will refer to her properly, as her gender marker is changed, her name is changed and it is corrected on her birth-certificate. If you can't be professional enough to respect the ******** dead, then leave and get me someone who can."
The examiner blinked, "....whatever"
The last of the information was passed on a question of organ donation, and funeral prep. Millions of things flit through my mind. I have to call her parents. Let them know. Let my family know...let work know....pull information together, let her bills know...remove her name from accounts...make arrangements...cremation....
The days go by, numbness prevails. Friends, family all give condolences, heartfelt, caring. I smile weakly, knowing it's what I'm supposed to do. I can't feel anything anymore. It's all the facade.
I go through the motions. Go to work, work my days, people offer sympathy, I breathe. I turn in my two weeks notice the week before I leave on vacation, and shrug as they ask me why, "No reason to stay here."
I don't go out to eat, I buy as little as possible, clean the house and pack it all into a rental truck. There's nothing left, nothing to really hold onto, her ashes beside me, I don't know where to go.
A call, my brother, "Come help me on the farm."
"Cool. Send me directions." I hang up. and shoot a text to my best friend. 'leaving to kid brother's place. Won't be in contact for awhile.'
The replies were all short, only the important ones needed to know. I'd deleted my FB, after saving down all the pictures and memoralizing hers. I left up my other social things since They weren't so involved with people I knew.
The drive was long, silent, thoughts of the i love you's unsaid, the pang of grief that wanted to grab my mind and force me to think on it. "Not yet." I verbalized my need to get to where I was going. For now.
Hours passed, I pulled up to a place that looked ragged as people stepped out to meet the moving truck. More words of condolences as I moved to unpack and unload my belongings. My car unhitched from the trailer, I tossed someone who could drive the keys so they could follow me as I dropped off the truck, then could drive back.
I moved the things I had into the room where I'd be residing. bed set up, clothing in bins. Minor pangs of hunger nagged at me, a package of ramen would suffice.
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:52 pm
I have come to the conclusion that there are some things people need to take a LONG breath about and realize everyone has their heads up their asses.
Except maybe trans people who are getting the s**t end of the stick on a whole ******** of things by cis people who for some reason cannot get their heads around this crap.
SO! For everyone's edification and enlightenment, some defintions of terms that have been completely glossed over and twisted to fit each agenda of idiocy.
1. Racism: An institutionalized prejudice on the part of an entire system, educational, government, and societal that predicates stereotypes are true and therefore due to those stereotypes these people of marginalized groups are never going to get the same opportunities as those who are of the majority. IE those of African descent, those of Mexican descent, and those of indigenous descent in the American system have to work at least twice as hard if not more to get the same amount of respect and opportunity as their European descended counterparts. If they do not work this hard at the least, they are considered to be lazy, useless, uneducated, and unsuitable for societal acceptance.
2. Sexism: The institutionalized prejudice that women are sexual objects, and men are sexual aggressors. This allows for men to claim that the woman was asking for it by dressing a certain way, by not keeping an eye on her drink, etc. This also means that women who are abusers get away with being abusive because women are seen as nurturers, and incapable of violence that could harm a man. Sexism is more easily recognized when wielded against women than against men because it preys on the weakness that women are taught to exhibit from day one. Even when it is recognized it is societally expected to blame the person who spoke up about it for noticing it was a sexist reaction rather than owning up to the infraction.
3. Feminism: The fight against institutionalized Sexism. This group of people wishes to have equality for all sexes, in turn making the choices based on sex equal and just as viable for every single person.
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Rinial Sisterdragon Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 10:59 am
When your subconscious brain does things you'd really prefer it not. I've got an issue with an attraction to a person who is very off limits to me. There was an instant attraction the moment I met them in passing and then it just has proceeded to be worse.
I understand that my brain is something of a mess, and that knowing my overactive idiocy I see things that aren't there. I know that I'm easily infatuated, and those I find attractive I have a hard time not being affectionate towards. But I worry that I'm creepy or make them uncomfortable.
I've been told that others don't feel this person is able to have an emotionally mature and healthy relationship with me due to likely being seen as more of an adult than them. So pursuing something is unwise. AKA: stay away. you're going to do damage and make it worse.
Kay. Cool I was totally fine with that. I understood my place, Platonic,and affectionate but not anything else. Great.
I was saddened, but understood how to distance myself, and deal with the injury being done by my own hand in order to calm the idiotic emotions before there was anything too far along to keep a lid on.
I could do that.
Now....I've been told there was a conversation, and I didn't make them feel uncomfortable.
I just want to hide under a rock and never see this person again. I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable and feeling like I should crawl into a hole and be dead. While communication is good, sometimes leaving s**t well enough alone is a goddamn blessing.
Was already working on being NOT aware of this person and my attraction to them, but now my friends have clarified and made sure they know of my awkwardness. COOL. I'll be elsewhere now. All the time.
Because now I feel sick to my stomach and horrible. I wasn't looking for reassurance, I was EFFING VENTING.
sometimes...I wish I could rewind time and just NOT send any texts to anyone.
MEH. Well I vent here, where there's few that can sneak into this place to read things. I'm a disgusting person, and I know that well. so I'll just be in my corner of the universe and stay the eff away from people.
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